Jennifer Love Hewitt suffering from 'love-aholicism': Dating memoir recommends spray tans, Spanx, and tiaras

Jennifer-Love-Hewitt_240.jpg Image Credit: Rob Kim/Retna LtdI’m increasingly unsure if Jennifer Love Hewitt is simply harmless and corny — a big-boobed Bambi with nothing but heart-shaped intentions — or if she is in fact some kind of evil genius.

The young woman, a favorite punching bag on blogs and in rags over her unremarkable weight and dating history, has what appears to be a thriving TV show even if I don’t know anyone who has ever caught an episode. She gets work, even if it often is in direct response to her romantic woes. Now she’s gone and capitalized on all those splattered shots at love and poured them into a new Hallmark card-sized book, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I’m a Love-aholic. The book is pocket-sized, possibly 350 words in length, with a busty cartoon caricature of the young author on the front and a Harlequin romance-style head shot of her on the back. In the photo she is all blushing cheeks in a field of flowers, wearing what appears to be a Danielle Steele creation of pink wispy negligee. The writing itself feels ripped straight from any high school girl’s binder, lots of hearts and P.S.’s. There is an awkward example of sex-texting that doesn’t bear repeating. There is an unfortunate ode from her now ex-boyfriend Jamie Kennedy to the marvels of a shapely woman’s rear. (“Ladies, ladies, ladies, let me tell you something. Stop trippin’ on yo’ butt.”) There is even a chapter on what to do when you find skid marks on your fella’s under shorts. (“I have been introduced to Mr. Brown before and I didn’t handle it well at first,” she confesses. Her giggles jump right off the page!) And of course, as you may have already seen on her promotional rounds for her debut book, there is the sincere recommendation of self-crystallization.

It’s hard to pick out her choicest revelations, but here is a random sampling.

1. Don’t take a diuretic before a date.

2. Give your vibrator a name. She recommends Brad.

3. Don’t call six times to confirm plans. And don’t worry if he’s late picking you up. And whatever you do, don’t get on a scale while you’re not worrying that you’re being stood up.

4. If you find yourself home alone on a Saturday night, cheer yourself up by wearing a tiara in the bath.

5. If all else fails, remind yourself of things you love about yourself and your life. For instance: She loves monkeys! And scrap-booking! And Christmas!

There is not a doubt in my mind that one day, should Love Hewitt ever walk down the aisle, it will be in a behemoth of a dress, with swans limping in the background and released doves fleeing overhead. It will be in front of a production crew under the softest, gauziest of lights. She most likely will have met her groom on a dating show on Lifetime. And while we will roll our eyes over this silly little thing, the woman will be collecting money hand over fist.

Should we feel sorry for Love-Hewitt or fear her growing power? As of this morning, Amazon ranked Cupid the #1 selling dating book. So who out there cops to buying a copy? Do you miss the girl you used to know on Party of Five?

Comments (49 total) Add your comment
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  • Eliza


    • Kevin Malone

      She’s kind of a dork. That I’d like to make sex with.

    • Claude White

      I would love 2 meet Jennifer Love Hewitt I think she’s hella sexy and I wouldn’t mind marryin her, Time iz not on her side or mine either She’s a lil older than me, But I promise I would stay with dat woman 4 da rest of her life, I mean really she’s absolutely beautiful!

      • Claude White

        If your listenin Jennifer Love Hewitt Please Marry Me, I promise 2 treat you right 4 the rest of your life, Omg no wordz can explain how beautiful dat woman iz!

  • JPX

    “what appears to be a thriving TV show even if I don’t know anyone who has ever caught an episode.” Exactly! I’ve never met another human being who has ever seen a single episode of her “popular” television show. I’ve never been a fan. She tries far too hard to be “precious” and she’s obviously a nightmare to deal with. I find it hard to imagine that anyone would ever marry her.

    • ian g

      I’m sure your parents thought the same about yourself…

      • mark

        haha oh snap, Ian! Love it!

    • IMHO

      Ghost Whisperer rocks! Unlike most of the stuff on T.V. right now. And it has a great cast.

    • Sharlin

      I love Ghost Whisperer. I’ve been watching since season 1.

  • DT

    Edie Brickell once sang,”Choke me in the shallow water/Before I get too deep.” I think she was being ironic when she penned it, but poor JLH has taken it as her mantra. The girl has fallen.

  • Steve

    30 going on 13. JLH took the one thing she had going for her — a girl-next-door charm — and sacrificed it, and her dignity, with desperate stunts for attention and a husband. I wonder if she still fancies herself a 21st-century Audrey Hepburn as she glues rhinestones to her ladyparts and tells the world about it.

  • Firecat

    I love JLH.

  • Lisa

    What’s wrong with sweet and naive? Really? With the “Bombshell”, f***-up Lindsey, Miley, and the Kardashians…at least she isn’t some skanky drunk whore who steals other women’s husbands! Give this girl a break. Obviously someone is watching her show and buying her books or she wouldn’t be talked or written about….stop hatin’!

  • Chrissy H.

    Wait a minute, I watch Ghost Whisperer. Are you insulting me? Hmph. Regardless, it’s some featherweight comedic dating book, I’m not sure what the big deal is.

  • sbwm

    Seems pretty innocent. Sounds like she really wants a true love and wants others to feel good about themselves. Not profound but someone is buying it. Could do without the bedazzling but she’s just searching for something.

  • ian g

    chill out, Karen. apparently nothing and no one is good enough for the EW writers… except Lost.

    Karen is a hate-aholic.

    • tigersmurfette

      and anything twilight related

    • jenn

      Karen is awesome. Her Mad Men recaps in particular are genius and almost as good as the show itself. I mean, she is a critic, afterall. She’s paid to be critical. Go to Eonline or People if you want to read some ass-kissing.

  • Katherine

    I LOVE Ghost Whisperer, and I don’t like any other shows on TV. JLH is awesome, beautiful, and has a kind of glow about her. I think it’s funny that she’s not even allowed to be human by the media, but truth is, her persona resonates with a market that isn’t being tapped by the other female stars in Hollywood.

    • Jan

      This is the funniest comment I’ve read so far, particularly cause it sounds sincere! Thanks for the out-loud chuckle.

  • mike

    I think she’s cute in that deer-in-the-headlights sort of way, and though I’m in the camp of the Unsolved Mystery that is the Ghost Whisperer (my theory is desperate housewives on friday nights), I did LOVE Heartbreakers and her sassiness alongside Ms. Weaver

  • Ben

    So, essentially, her bra size is also her IQ?

  • jenn

    Aww, let her have her crazy birthday parties for one outside of Tiffany & Co. dressed a la Hepburn and all the embellishments that come with that sort of thing. She is beautiful and probably sweet, but I don’t think she will ever find what she so desperately wants more than anything–Prince Charming. No man will ever worship her to the extent she needs in order to feel good about herself. She just needs more than anyone can offer her with a straight face. The tiaras and all that? It is very Mariah Carey of her, and probably should’ve been grown out of by now. When things are lacking within yourself you look for a partner to make up for it–in her case, it’s bubbles and My Little Ponies–and there’s only so long a guy can play Barbies with a girl just so he can hit it before it all gets old. She just needs to grow up and learn to not need so much from a man and she will be fine.

    • sorella

      Love your post…so true!

  • Jennifer Kate

    I have always hated her and the “vagazzling” thing makes me vomit. It’s like she was thinking “What would get me the most attention?” PUKE.

    • IMHO

      I am wondering how many ER visits are to follow this new revelation… men choking to death on ‘bedazzles’ … LOL!

  • WhitneyD

    I admit it. I watch Ghost Whisperer, but not particularly because I’m a fan of hers- mostly because the story arcs are interesting. She’s entitled to write books that point out how desperate she is to live a fairy tale and be in love- but we don’t have to buy it. I just hope that someday she realizes that love isn’t that head over heels dizzying feeling, that it’s a lot deeper.

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