'The Real Housewives of Orange County' finale recap: Tamra demands a divorce, Alexa wants a martini

real-housewives-ocImage Credit: Mitchell Haaseth/BravoThe finale of any proper season of O.C. shenanigans always ends on an outdoor patio, with passed trays of sushi rolls, sparkling chardonnay, and cast members’ gathered families dressed in odd, swishing dresses and unfortunate shirts and dark jeans. Usually it’s a gay enough affair, with the ladies complimenting each others’ hotness and Vicki getting a little sauced. This particular finale though, much like the whole season, showcased the dreary splat of a failed marriage.

Simon behaved like a needling, petty, insecure, angry sumbitch from start to finish. He doesn’t want his wife to dress like she’s 20 years old. He doesn’t want her to dress like she’s single. He doesn’t want her to dress like Lynne. He doesn’t want her breasts hanging out. He doesn’t want her to show too much leg, or too much back, or too much elbow. Tamra picked the most conservative dress she has ever worn in her life — a boxy black shift paired with some nifty scene-stealing shoes — and he was none too pleased. “Cheers to my slutty dress,” she sighed in her closet. We’re used to seeing her roll her eyes over her disapproving man but the weariness of this whole interaction was exhausting for everyone involved. She’s painfully miserable. In the car, the couple fought the way truly unhappy people fight when there are no cameras present. He suggested she was a distracted, often absent mother. She told him to get a job. It ended with Tamra angrily demanding a divorce, and Simon meanly smirking. Outside of the party, he pulled her into a crazy embrace, demanding kisses she would not give, and pronounced that everything in their marriage was peachy so it was her job not to screw it up. If she ever gets bummed that he’s always on her case, maybe she could use that as motivation to change. Simon has officially left the railroad tracks, bound for crazy town.

Donn — mwah! mwah! love you buddy! — gallantly steered Vicki away from Simon’s bitchy glare. I groaned when Tamra later sought out her former BFF to sob about the state of her lousy union. It was an unfair position to put her friend in and would only give Simon further ammunition in his crazed attempt to blame Vicki for their troubles. But her grief was real, and Vicki is a good pillowy presence to lean on. Of course, then Simon sensed betrayal from across the party and tried to wrench his wife away from the conversation. When Tamra didn’t follow after him, pledging her allegiance, he stomped off to go Facebook about his wife’s transgressions.

Why must Alexa take up air? The girls showed up drunk to the party, after apparently sneaking some booze into their Glaceau water bottles on the way over. Lynne doesn’t know what the heck happened. “They were all the way on the other side of the limo,” she said. “And it was a really big limo. I didn’t know what they were getting into.” Raquel finally had enough of her little sister’s loud-mouthed shenanigans so she took off. That, of course, caused Alexa to break down into wounded tears. All she wanted was one martini, guys! Raquel had like 500 drinks, it’s all so miserably unfair. “She’ll be alright,” Lynne warbled to Frank. “She’s going to grow up,” he said happily. I threw the couch pillows at the TV and pronounced my 14-year-old cat, who barfs up every meal, a smarter and more valuable member of society than the lot of them.

Elsewhere at the party, Jim wore what appeared to be a sleeveless white blouse and bullfighter’s vest. He invited Frank to go to church with him and Frank wondered about the presence of donuts. Shane may have been hitting on Alexis. Jeana crimped her hair, which is never a good look for her. Lauri got a little catty with Gretchen but seemed to still be happily married to George, who always gives off a slightly sinister air.

In the end, we discovered that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Alexis is now working for her plastic surgeon, Ryan is unemployed but working on his pecs, Slade is still snipped, and Raquel is forever over it. The season is over and to celebrate its conclusion I poured myself a Manhattan.

What did you all think? Didn’t Simon creep you out? Did you too feel genuine sympathy? Why were Gretchen and Slade dressed as cake-toppers? Is George a force of evil or good? How badly would you ground Alexis’ a–?

Comments (143 total) Add your comment
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  • Madd

    Once again, Don and Vicki are my favorites (I can’t believe I just typed that). Lynne should’ve pulled a Lauri and left the show when her kids were having problems. Gretchen…ugh, she deserves Slade.

  • madduxfann

    Once Jeana left it was pretty much over for me. I kept watching just to finish the season but no more OC for me. Thank goodness the NY women are back!!! Please no more Alexis!!

  • Jenn

    Simon is the worst. He’s a controlling douche. I did like Tamara and Vicky together at the end. In a season filled with catty fights, it was a sad and honest moment between two women.

    • Azure

      You must not have any good friends if you thought it was an honest moment. Vicki was in her witchy glory to see Tamra and Simon fighting. She just kept excitedly saying “Simon is controlling (fast breathing) and it’s just what I’ve been telling you all along (faster breathing and smiling). Manipulative troublemaking bitch! I believe that Tamra is cheating. Did you see the way she was flirting with the limo driver when he picked them up? She did it right in front of Simon. Disgusting trashy display!

  • geegee56

    Simon is a pig, very controlling, get away from him, but hey, Tamara looks more like that blonde chick on Absoluty Fab. every day, especially when she cries.

    • AbFabFan

      tamara looks nothing like patsy. NOTHING. nor does she resemble her what so ever.

  • jenimaria

    I never really liked Tamara nor Simon, but after last night’s finale, I truly came to dislike Simon’s controlling, bitter manner even more. He was so cruel to Tamara at every turn and then truly schizophrenic when he’d demand that she allow herself to be pulled into his ‘caring’ arms and kiss. Honestly, I hate him. I’d like to punch him in the face and I don’t usually consider myself a violent person. But this guy sucks. She’s a b*tch to begin with I thought, but perhaps she became what she was as a result of Simon’s torture. Who knows. I still love Gretchen and never liked the way Tamara self-righteously treated her. So now I guess karma reared its head on Gretchen’s behalf against Tamara. As for Simon – go take a long walk off a short pier, you nut !

  • Appalled

    Lynne–just how big was that limo??!! Honestly, I think those girls were drinking long before they even got into the limo because they were plenty soused at that party when they arrived. Personally, they would’ve gotten the spanking of their life if they had been my kids pulling that stunt. But noooo…Lynne and her husband tries to be their friend….typical.

    Tamra really put Vicki on the spot at that party, and I really do feel like that conversation should’ve been held somewhere else, away from the cameras. I felt bad for Tamra, as it seemed like Simon was doing everything he could to ruin the evening. I suspect that when he quit his job and opened up a home based online company, their sudden 24/7 togetherness, on top of lack of funds, is what really did them in. After all, it was probably easier for Tamra to play the perfect wife and mother for some hours of the day, instead of all day.

    • KBS

      true. true

      • Geechee Dan Buford

        Vicki and Don are the best. Yes, they both have jobs. I can’t believe that Tamra is dating Simon’s friend? Cant be true …

    • Ann

      Lynn and Frank are unfit parents.
      I’m shocked that they have not been contacted by the local police for allowing minors to drink. They need to be stopped before those kids wind up killing themselves or worse, others. Stupidity is NO excuse.

    • Mary

      Wow….I wholeheartedly agree. Also, I don’t know what would have been done if I had addressed my parents in the same manner as they address theirs. Their language is deplorable. No wonder California wants to pass a “no profanity” law.

  • betsy

    I love jeana. does anyone know the dress kara (jeana’s daughter) is wearing? it was beautiful

    • Ashley

      i loved kara’s dress. she always dresses the best out of all the housewive children.

      • heather

        YES! Where was her dress from LOOOOOVVVVED IT!!!

      • Brenda

        It is a BCBG dress from a few seasons ago. You can probably go to the BCBG final cut store…they’re usually located in outlet centers.

  • Fatima

    I haven’t seen the episode yet, but I did see the first 5 minutes as I was preparing to go out. My friend who had never seen the show before saw 10 seconds of Simon and went, “That guy’s a jerk.”

  • betsybug

    Having only started watching the OC at Season 3, I had no context for why most of the wives loathe Slade. Then I watched the Top 25 Moments special on Monday and saw him a) gleefully put Jo in the french maid’s costume when she lost the go-kart race, and b) break up with her on the therapist’s couch. What a sleaze!

    Simon’s too concerned about what people think in OC society. Tamra’s going to act “trailer-park” when the cameras are on because it makes good television; Andy Cohen eats that s**t up. Losing his job at Fletcher Jones coupled with his silk purse of a wife reverting to a sow’s ear when the red light is “on” made him a nasty control freak. She’s allegedly dating a former friend of his, if you believe the tabloids. Hilarious and pathetic. I still love her, though.

    Watching Kara and Ashley back on screen made me weep missing Season 3. I miss Jeana and Lauri equally because I miss their daughters (no comment on the sons). Those two ladies REALLY highlight how badly Lynne and Frank have done at parenting.

    If you read Vicky’s blog on the Bravo website, when asked what she thought Alexis brought to the show this year, she said “nothing”. Aw, Vicky, that’s unfair – she brought comic relief (manicures for her 2-year-olds at the nail salon) and hypocrisy (her religious habits) to the show. Plus, Alexis encased her mother in carbonite – how tragic. Jeana didn’t pull such crap.

    Lastly, anyone notice that Casey James on “American Idol” is like the lost fraternal twin brother of Brianna? There’s a passing resemblance there.

    • Ms_Fu

      I agree with you about Simon, but the truth about Tamra is that she’s always been the way she is. From the time we first saw her on the show she was a wild girl with a loud mouth and a provocative dress style. Simon has probably been trying to change her from the day they wed. Unfortunately, you can’t change a person by force.

      • Lex

        It probably suited Simon at the time to have Tamra as a hot wild child trophy on his arm. But now that he’s in a financial pickle, he picks on her. What a controlling, verbally abusive bully. He needs therapy.

      • LS

        Tamra has been a spoiled brat from Day 1, and unfortunately began viewing herself as “all that” because of this reality TV “stardom”. Read anything Simon has written about this whole thing. HE is the one with a decent head on his shoulders, she is just a starry eyed brat.

  • B Ro

    “I threw the couch pillows at the TV and pronounced my 14-year-old cat, who barfs up every meal, a smarter and more valuable member of society than the lot of them.” Damn, that line had me cracking up.

    • Coach

      I actually cracked up, out loud, too! Good stuff, and I agree…

    • chrissie

      i actually laughed out loud and my husband had to see what was going on…that is a good one!!

  • Kat

    How crazy is it that after getting on my nerves for several seasons the only housewife left on this show that I actually like is VICKI?! Was it just me or was Vicki the only sane and intelligent one on the show this entire season? I love that she & Don were able to work through their relationship issues-they seem to have a healthy and loving marriage. Those other “ladies” need to learn something from Vicki…especially Alexis-she got on my nerves more than anyone else this season!

  • Johanna

    WHAT ABOUT THE INSANE GET UPS THAT GRETCHEN AND SLADE WERE WEARING? SLADE ESPECIALLY…HE LOOKED LIKE A LIMO DRIVER CIRCA 1983.

  • max

    Devils Advocate here, but i like Simon. All he wanted was his wife to be more present at home and be less materialistic and stop chasing this false life with Vicki. Also, PROPS TO SIMON, for wanting his 40 something wife to DRESS like a 40 something woman! 40 year old women dont need to dress like 20 year olds!

    Even more props to him because most men want their wives to slut it up, and they want younger girls, and he is proud that his wife is sexy and older!

    All the reports of Tamara cheating on Simon dont help her case at all. I think shes trash at the days end.

    Sorry, but Simon didnt do anything more then care about his wife and then get fed up.

    • jem
    • Ms_Fu

      I agree with you about Simon, but as I said above, if he wanted a more traditional wife, he should have married one.

    • Diane

      @Max, I couldn’t agree with you more!! If people careful watch through the seasons Tamra changed. Yes she has always been fun loving and loud but she was crazy about her husband and family. She ended up like Vicki who at the end of last season thought that she did not want to be married. Vicki should have never become an issue btwn the two. That was Tamra’s fault, I don’t like Vicki but it was not her fault either.

    • Sissy

      I agree with Max. Tamra was unable to handle being on Reality TV, fame came too fast for Tamram she really wanted to fit, but let her family down. Lynne and Frank need parent counseling.

    • Mike

      you ever consider that Tamra does all of these “events” because she is getting paid by Bravo? Could this be the main source of household income??

    • Susan

      Vicki… wow, can she be any ruder…. she says the most horrible stuff, then looks at you like your on drugs if you call her on her stupidity. Tamara… I think she has been looking for an out for a long time, and just made an excuse to walk away that she was afraid of Simon…. Simon wants his wife to act her age, not her shoe size…and for the shows sake, next time you wanna cry at least put something in the handkerchief that puts real tears in your eyes not that fake sob crap and there were no tears at all…. get a life stupid cow
      Don of the famous Don and Vicki, since when does his opinion count to Vicki… I truly don’t believe that she is trying to be nicer about anything, including to or about Don, she just learned to curb her tongue about Don, but it eked out in other ways by her being so nasty to others… Lynn and her hubby…. They both need to quit pretending to care about their children, her statement at the beginning of the show says it all , it’s not about how much money you have , but how good you look spending it…. she is such a loser all around, when life isn’t going her way, she gets drunk and mouths off and blames her hubby for all their woes…
      and he takes it

      Gretchen and Slade, so what if he’s a housewife hoe… if Gretchen puts up with him, what’s it to anyone else…

      Alexis and her Jim….. I liked them, to others they seemed pretentious and over the top, Vicki couldn’t stand all that religious crap as she once said in one of the episodes…. or something like that… but you know what, in today’s world, you gotta believe in something and it’s Jim and Alexis’ right to believe in God and talk about it…Get over yourself Vicki….

      Can anyone tell I really don’t care for Vicki and her high horse attitude….

      Anyway, that’s my three cents…

      such as it is… and one other point that bothered me, if less people worried about their looks, we’d have less kids worried about weight and less anorexia/bulimia in this world… be careful of your words housewifes…. your children might be next in the bathroom or storing their throw up in jars in their bedrooms trying to emulate mommies like Lynn or Tamara to be perfect and skinny bitches as Tamara toasted

  • heej

    They needed to play symphonie fantastique whenever Simon and Tamra were onscreen.

    • Lola

      I definitely felt that way at times. Simon alternately seemed like he was trying to make an effort only to turn around and creep me out.

  • Doug

    Karen V.,

    Your weekly “Real Housewives” recaps are priceless. I look forward to them even more than the show!

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