'The Real Housewives of Orange County' recap: Possibly homeless Lynne refuses victimhood, goes shopping

Why won’t anyone treat Lynne like a grown up? She can handle the truth! If only Frank had told her their new beachside apartment came with a $10,000 deposit fee. (Dear, all apartments come with stiff starter fees.) If only Frank had told her that times were so tough. (She could have talked to “the lady!”) If only Frank had spelled out in big colorful letters the family’s new budget. (She would have added a nipped and tucked smiley face in the margins, surrounded by dollar signs and puffy hearts.) “You don’t want to hear the truth,” Frank sadly scolded his horrified wife. “You don’t want to deal with reality. You live in this little microcosm and it’s not even real.” The couple had come to a crossroads. This was Lynne’s chance to grow up. Instead she acted like one of her spoiled teenage girls and called bull—-. “I’m not going to be able to get over this!” she cried nonsensically. “I’m just over it.” Is there nothing that can save this family from a life on the streets? The camera kept zooming sadly on her dumb bracelets. Wonder cuff powers, activate!

A furious Lynne and the girls — who hit a new vulgar low by giving the Bravo camera the finger and complaining of hangovers while rolling their eyes over the eviction papers — went to Grandma’s. Frank slept in a hotel. (Frank buddy, why spring for a room? Sleep at home while you still can.) Lynne was distraught but figured she ought to take advantage of a Bravo-sponsored trip to San Francisco. Even Jim condoned the girls-only weekend. Alexis was sad that they would sleep alone for the first time in six years. (Her children were sad that they would have to sit in soiled nappies for two days since their Daddy refuses to change diapers.) We were all happy that Vicki invited Briana to join the women because that girl is the only one of the bunch who routinely displays some good sense.

I’d like to take Briana out for a Skinny Girl margarita and say cheers to her graceful handling of her health scare. Turns out that lump on her thyroid was potentially the sign of something serious. The doctor told her her neck was covered in nodules, and that they’d need to remove the larger ones and have them biopsied. No one out there can doubt Vicki’s undying devotion to her children but the silly goose couldn’t help herself from bemoaning how Briana’s doctor’s appointment would interfere with an important business meeting. We all love you Vicki, despite the fact that you can’t compliment your daughter’s hair style without wondering if you could get away with a similar look or bring up work when your daughter is worried over her biopsy.

So perhaps Briana’s health crisis brought out the best in the women that first night in San Francisco. Yes, Alexis took a dozen phone calls from Jim at the table. (“Hi bay-bee, now go take a bath like a good boy.” Please let her have been talking to her son, please let her have been talking to her son.) Yes, Alexis gagged rudely on foie gras which then caused Vicki to dry heave in response. But nobody got slapped and no tables were tossed. When Briana met up with the women later at a bar, Gretchen was so moved by the slim possibility of a cancer diagnosis that she cowered behind Vicki’s back and cried softly to Briana. You know emotions are sincere on this show when they’re being shyly hid instead of hammed up for the camera.

The next day the women went shopping. Lynne, who came into the store already wearing a black leather jacket, decided she deserved a new one because it had a neat buckle. “I just got paid,” she crowed. “The check is in the mail!” How many cuffs would it take to pay for that $1,185 jacket? I’m guessing 1,185. She claims that Frank betrayed his entire family with his fiscal irresponsibility.  When Lynne spends money she doesn’t have it’s different. It’s her sport! Victims don’t wear leather! Yay grown-ups!

What did you all think? Good for Gretchen for sitting calmly while those two yik yaks barfed over her entree, right? Would you want to be pals with Briana? How can we convince Tamra to ease up on the kohl eyeliner? Is Jim a “smelly dork?”