In a way, no one can. As much as I’ve ragged on Dancing With the Stars cohost Samantha Harris in recaps (come on, even her direct quotes come across as jokes when you type them out), her oft-bumbling manner has kept me endlessly amused for eight seasons and she’s even one of the 15 Reasons I’m a ‘Dancing’ Fool! Love her or hate her, Samantha and her ridiculously toned arms have been integral members of the DWTS family for a long time. The woman can rock a jewel tone and, occasionally, ’80s hair.

So, Samantha’s leaving. I think Tom Bergeron can and should handle the front-of-the-line hosting position himself, so they’d just need someone to interview the contestants and their pro partners backstage. There’s been recent speculation that Paula Abdul could be joining DWTS, but in the cohost position I think she’d be even more of a general mess than Samantha. I love her, but you know she would. I’m thinking a former contestant or maybe a rotating stable of former contestants would be appropriate here. They could even cast specific alums based on which dances they excelled at during their own seasons, so they’d be able to provide insight and/or (brace yourselves!) humor.

Drew Lachey filled in for Samantha when she was pregnant in season 5 and most people seemed to like him even though he used the phrase “get on the horn” (meaning “please vote”) too much for my liking. Really I’m just jealous because I want the backstage interviewer position myself. The only problem is that I’m six feet tall and they make you wear 11-inch heels. So unless they wanted to use two cameras, I’d need to be seated the entire time on some sort of sparkly throne, perhaps stroking a stuffed disco ball instead of an evil cat. Princess Sparkle (house band singer and Hidden Gem of the Week inspiration Carmen Carter) could come back there every other segment to dose the Red Room with her forehead jewels and some light ‘tude. The whole thing would be very Pee-wee’s Playhouse chic.

But that’s about as ludicrous as the premise of Dancing With the Stars itself, so let me know who would be your real choices to replace Samantha, in the comments!

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett