'The Millionaire Matchmaker' premiere: Haulin' junk

Dear Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker: Please, for the love of sweets-induced sex favors (“If you give a woman chocolate, I bet you get a blowjob”), no more crossovers with A&E’s Hoarders and TLC’s Clean Sweep! Last night’s season premiere featured Nick and Omar, two dudes who clearly weren’t as interested in the bevy of skanks national treasure Patti Stanger and her Millionaires Club had to offer as they were in getting their moving business, College Hunks Hauling Junk (already pimped on Shark Tank), promoted on cable TV. (And now this blog, kind of. No link for you!) Tool of the century Omar fears that women only want him for his money, so it makes total sense that his first stop on the road to dating happiness was Patti. He insisted on bringing his date, Rachel, “on a job” with him to clear some strangers’ crap out of their garage (pictured). The Strange Stange was in her element, warning Omar that “it is not gonna be fun to any girl to haul junk unless she’s an unattractive, desperate zero.”

The most delicious part of this whole mess was when Omar realized a few seconds in that it wasn’t just hot women who didn’t enjoy performing manual labor on dates. It was EVERYONE. Including him. This particular unattractive, desperate zero couldn’t even lift a giant-ass TV, on which we all should have been watching White Collar on USA instead, onto a ramp. “Coochie ain’t gonna get wet, honey, it ain’t gonna happen.” I’m sure this choice string of Patti’s wise words were particularly haunting as Omar announced, while gingerly lifting something more manageable, like a speck of dust on his little finger, “this frickin’ sucks.” Oh, hahaha, and then they arrived at a fancy restaurant and Omar warned the valet, “Please don’t scratch it up.” PLEASE DON’T SCRATCH UP MY JANKY-ASS MOVING TRUCK, you plebe! Omar confessed later that the junk haul was “like the elephant in the room,” but I’m pretty sure the elephant in the room was his overstuffed, plasticized bouquet of roses that Rachel could barely bring herself to touch.

Nick and Dakota had a much better time on their date, taking phone pics of themselves near the Hollywood sign despite being surrounded by video cameras, and eventually kissing after realizing they were both cool with never really seeing each other as they both travel constantly. They are still dating! Rachel, however, decided she was looking for more hunk and less junk. I feel like this entire episode may have existed solely to offer us the preview of Patti saying “When I close my eyes, I see c—k” later in the season.

Have you ever cringed harder at an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker? (And wasn’t it kind of fun?) I realize this is a pretty steep extreme, so take your time to decide.

Follow Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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  • GeeMoney

    I love this show, regardless if Im cringing all the way through it or not! I just enjoy Patti sticking it to all of those idiot millionaire guys who want to date the stereotypical LA girl. Those dudes need a wake up call.

  • Sarah T.

    So Omar was afraid that all girls only wanted him for his money (what? not his stunning good looks?!) yet he goes to “The MILLIONAIRE Matchmaker” to help him find someone… Because the girls won’t know that he has money there and everyone will be completely genuine. Seriously dude, you’re ridiculous. I’m sure there are those out there who are after you for your money but unless you tell girls that right away when you meet them or I don’t know, say go on a show called “The Millionaire Matchmaker” they probably won’t find out. And even if they did, use common sense and weed them out. But it’s pretty obvious from last night’s ep that you have no common sense or you would have realized that was a dumb idea. At least, if you were going to pull something like this wait until a few dates into it and give the girl warning so she can dress accordingly. Nitwit.

    • Ceballos

      EXACTLY -

      I also find this show compulsively watchable and you did an excellent job pointing out why Omar is a Class A moron!

      It’s funny because, during the first half of the episode, I would’ve bet money that Nick’s date would go worse. I mean, he didn’t even seem like he wanted to be there (he claims he tagged along because of Omar) and his Jew-fro/hip-hop antics were seriously tragic. Still, I gotta give the guy credit for picking a girl who was outside of his comfort zone and acting like a charming guy on his date.

      Then again, almost anything he did was gonna come up smelling roses compared to the disaster of a date Omar planned for his girl. (Also, great job by Annie pointing out how depressing Omar’s flowers were.)

      • Ann

        I agree with your entire post. Omar is shallow. He expects to receive what he intends to give. He is a user of people and expects the same shoddy treatment in turn. He is right to worry. What goes around, comes around.

  • brian9

    Annie, I agree with you totally. From the beginning of the episode all I could think of was how these guys were just trying to promote their janky junk halling. That’s why Omar wouldn’t give up his date idea, he just wanted the truck on TV…so obvious (but smart on his part). I can’t understand why Patty allowed them on the show when she had to have known their motives.

    • Nancy

      Maybe Patty is planning a big move and traded air time for services.

  • Sue

    As annoying as Patti is, I just can’t stop watching this show! This episode was great – I was impressed how Nick started out being the jerk, and he took all Patti’s advice, and ended up being the better man (at least in this show). Omar – what an idiot, on so many levels.

    • Sue

      P.S. Never thought about them just wanting to promote their company – I totally agree with that.

  • Cardsgal

    I can’t get past Patti giving advice to women on how to dress and prepare for a date, when she looks ridiculous in the leather, too-short skirts, etc. It’s like getting advice on make-up application from a circus clown…

    • kj

      … or a whore

  • Erin

    Everybody on here is saying exactly what I am thinking. I have no idea how Patti stays in business or finds these ego-driven idiots who just want to be on TV promoting their overestimated wealth and all the desperate skank that just want to quit their day jobs and take them in the future for all their $$. But its so addictive to watch you cannot help it.

    Seriously, who in their right mind would drive a junk truck to a nice restaurant to impress a date unless they wanted only to have their truck sign displayed on TV.

    I wish Patti would sit her team down and have a serious talk about how inappropriately they dress not only for the TV audience, but for their expected $M+ paying customer. I cannot imagine walking into such a business and paying their ‘assumed’ high fees, and seeing this bunch of pink haired, pierced weirdos greeting me. Classless

    And the intro always mentions her extremely high rate of success. I bet if someone researched the past guests they’d have a difficult time finding anyone who was still seeing the person Patti fixed them up with. But I’ll still watch!

    • mostboringseasonever

      I watch, too, but totally agree that Patty and her tea need to fix up their appearances. Mohawk guy and his girlfriend look like drop ins from a freak show. The whole show is totally staged and fake, but it’s a train wreck that you have to watch.

  • Frank

    What amazes us is how so many of these people have found some $$ success (also I question what their real net worth is), yet they have zero personality or basic common sense in general.

    Only in America.

  • NotWithoutMyTV

    Annie Barrett, I hope you get your potty mouth washed out with soap. I feel filthy just reading all the filthy filthy filth you wrote here!

    • Nancy

      I agree, and Patti has a filthy mouth also. My God – what is America becoming?

  • Paz

    I roll my eyes sometimes at Patti’s criticisms, but to tell the girl at casting, Can you be less Puerto Rican? floored me. If she wanted her to be less flashy or dress more modestly, then say so, but don’t link that to a person’s ancestry. That’s just astoundingly racist.

    • m-1

      Patti thinks she is above manners and respect – and besides being a racist, her dirty mouth remarks are offensive.

  • mauraoleary

    patti-patti-patti,
    i have to say that this is one of the most unsure shows ever-and i have been a fan since you have been on bravo- however this guy with the first date with a trash pick up- oh no-no-no-
    patti school him better and if you have him back on again i will be very dissapointed-you teach people better than that!!!!!!!!!

    however, i will still watch ya
    love ya,
    m.

  • tom

    Omar is a loser. His date was hot.

    Also a quick google search of their company shows that its revenue was only 2.5 million. After all of the expenses and costs of the running the business are removed, he isn’t anywhere close to a millionaire.

  • FoxLondon

    You didn’t mention the most cringe-worthy moment of the show!! When that 21-year-old bimbo Nick didn’t choose (thank God!) said to him, “No, I haven’t been outside the country … I’ve only been to Mexico and the Caribbean.” (cringe, wince, hurl!)

    • Charlie

      I had to rewind it twice to figure out if I heard her right!! Do you suppose she was allowed to graduate from high school?? Ugh!

    • LR

      hahahaha that was the best

  • Brenda

    Really, no mention of Patti’s hideous heart-shaped engagement ring? Vomit. Of course it is gaudy and WT, so I guess it suits her.

  • heather

    i loved that girls black dress in the pool of women. know where she got it. The girl who was picked but the trash guy.

  • deensies

    Let’s be fair here people: while I don’t disagree that Omar was a tool and not terribly attractive, he’s far from the “Tool of the Century” compared with some of the other douchebags who have shown up on MM. Who can forget last season’s Zagros, the Kurdish Iranian “entrepreneur”? So fugly and uber-creepy, I jumped every time he appeared on screen. Or how about David Golshan, who had his butler feed him grapes and kept talking about how “hot” he was? Then he would do this weird pursing thing with his lips that made me think he was Zoolander’s skeevy little brother. Blargh!

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