'Modern Family' recap: How much is that doggie butler hanging out the window?

For you, sirs? It’s free. No, take it. Someone please take the hideous butler dog. Last night’s episode of Modern Family, “Not in My Home,” revolved around household anomalies treasured by one party and reviled by others: Barkley the Dog Butler at Jay and Gloria’s, a nudie pic promoting agribusiness at Phil and Claire’s, and a troubled gardener at Mitchell and Cam’s. As usual, hilarious dialogue abounded but my favorite parts were the sweet bonding moments among the family — you know, when they bitch and moan (to our delight) for nearly half the scene before realizing how alike they sound and how maybe their respective relationships aren’t so bad after all. I loved the heart-to-heart Claire and Mitchell shared over an invigorating beaded comb sheath crafting session at Luke’s birthday party, for example. Anyway, this time, it was Jay and Mitchell who decided to focus on how good they had it with their unlikely spouses. “Just drop it, kid,” Jay told his son. “We’re both with people different from us, and that’s gonna create stuff. But you want different.” Awwww! These stop-and-think moments resonate with me the most, even if we’ve heard them before. But it’s not like you wanna go around quoting THAT all day, so after the jump, I’ve listed some of last night’s best lines. If I missed your favorite, beam it up to the dirty old Internet “like a torpedo” in the comments!

“You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.” –Phil, to Claire, who’s horrified by an online photo of “the woman with the biggest boobs I have ever seen driving a tractor.” (You see, there’s a guy at work who sends out these links. Gil Thorp.)

“I don’t know, he comes when we need him. He’s like Batman, but straight.” –Cameron to Mitchell re: their gardener, “Caesar Salazar,” who would like to make water in their bed. “He is a human being!” “….Named Caesar Salad.”

“I could be a chump, do the usual, give the money back to the casino. Or I could do something for myself and get something from the casino store.” –Jay, who really stuck it to the man by purchasing Barkley, a.k.a. The Dog Butler, a.k.a. El Diablo, a.k.a. “an unholy mix between man and beast.” As a sidenote, I love when TV dogs are named Barkley because it’s fun to be reminded of Big Bird in China/Japan.

“You’re just mad at the old balls and chain.” –Jay, to Mitchell, who brought “little fortune cookie” Lily by the pool. Mitchell’s cringe right after Jay mentioned Barkley was definitely my favorite Reaction Face of the episode. Sometimes, those are just as important! There’s another gem when Mitchell opens the door and comes face to face with Barkley.

“Mangia!” –Phil. (Three pizzas for five people including three miniature, skinny ones = sweet deal!)

“He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.” Jay, re: Barkley. “Well, they love that,” chimed in a sympathetic Cameron.

“You’re all the porn I need.” Phil, to Claire. I found this rather romantic. Sometimes Phil shows astounding levels of ma-toor-ity…

Your turn!

Follow Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

Comments (107 total) Add your comment
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  • lefty

    Can we get style hunter to find me my own doggie butler? Please??

    • OMG

      The latest issue of EW said it was going to be a different episode this week – did I miss it?

      • Harry

        that episodes next week, I was so confused too!

  • Jaime

    I have to say I loved when Claire said she was going to tell Luke that everytime someone looks at porn God kills a puppy!!!!!!!!! I laughed so hard.

    • Anona Muss

      Ha ha, forgot that one. I picutred Gil Thorpe at home, telling his wife it was forwarded to him from Phil Dunphy.

      • Tom

        that was a good line — reminded me of the one the previous night on “Better Off Ted” when someone said, “Every time you smoke a cigarette, Santa kills an elf.”

  • Ceballos

    Last week I said Ed O’Neill was the heart of the show, and this week he has that great little scene with Mitchell….before delivering that great “Balls and chain” line.

    Ed O’Neill = Golden Globe (Oh that’s right, no actor on this show was nominated! Here’s hoping Emmy shows this cast some love.)

    • Ceballos

      Also, not a quote, but the montage with Glorida being frightened by Barkley was priceless.

      • JayNYC

        I was ROTFLMAO at that!

    • Sluggo

      The “balls and chain” line was my favorite. Disappointed in no Manny, though.

  • paige

    any scene with Barkley were my favorites of this episode- First, with Gloria repeatedly calling him “el diablo” and then Gloria catching jay bend barkely over, admitting his love of barkley by the pool, and then proceeding to marry barkley. Awesome awesome episode

  • Anona Muss

    Phil is gonna fix that step! I was expecting Barkley to be a gift the newlyweds but no.

    “Was it hot?” – Luke

    More Manny!

    • Ceballos

      “You were asking about the weather, weren’t you?”

      • Anona Muss

        But of course. :)

    • paige

      yea there was nooooo manny in this episode… he was missed

  • Jason

    You stole my line: “Was it hot?” “You were talking about the weather, weren’t you?”

    I also loved from Luke: “Some of it’s real, right?….Like Anne Frank?”

    • paige

      I thought Claire gave the best reaction to that line (as usual Julie Bowen excels at reactions)

  • Rock Golf

    Claire: “The only thing you have to be embarrassed about [in her daughter’s diary] is the horrible spelling.”

    • Damon

      I jumped up and laughed my ass off at that line..Claire was excellent last night..and Mitchell’s facial expressions are priceless..I love this show!!

  • crispy

    Jay and Barkley at the altar… could not stop laughing!

    • Diggity

      I thought it was funny too, but why was the priest still there?

      • Joe

        Waiting for a gratuity. Priests don’t do it for free.

    • Mike

      Yes… when Gloria walked in on what appeared to be Jay and Barkley getting married… I literally have not laughed that hard in months. Years, maybe. I had to pause the DVR for at least five minutes before I could recover.

      • crispy

        I am STILL laughing at it today. And her line “You called about a wedding?” just before seeing Jay, which they had set up several scenes earlier with Mitchell telling Jay to call Gloria. This show is perfectly scripted.

      • shonna

        i laughed out loud so hard and for so long. this show always makes me laught but that sight gag gave me the best laugh i’ve had in a long time.

  • JLC

    The whole closing credits sequence, with Cam doing Barkley’s voice while they took him to the thrift shop, was hilarious.

    • Lisa

      i agree. hysterical and it just kept going and going.

    • mscisluv

      Oh no – I stopped watching before that!

    • MsSuniDaze

      ha… ‘I can pay you, I’m a comfortable man. I’ve been stealing from your father for days’ and ‘Is there any better feeling then having your ears flap in the wind?’. So funny.

  • Patrick Murphy

    Watching Jay trying to clear all of those pillows off the bed was hysterical. And Jay picking a fight with her about it as payback for Barkley was so like a husband. Then her zinger, “Oh, don’t worry. It’ll be a long time before I bother you again with my pillows.”

    • Anona Muss

      Oh yeah, that was probably best line of the night.

  • Emily

    Happy to have my favorite recapper recapping one of my favorite shows! Wish it had just been a little more indepth. Still love the quote highlights!

    The “balls and chain” quote was definitely the one that had me laughing out loud the longest!

  • TorontoTom

    DIDN’T LAUGH ONCE. This show was great for the first couple of months. Not anymore.

    • crispy

      You need to see your doctor about your sense of humor then!

      • KingLion

        This guy is an obvious troll. . .suck a loser.

    • Anona Muss

      That’s too bad, TorontoTom. I don’t find that the humor has changed in style so I don’t see how you can’t find it still funny.

    • lefty

      While I overall enjoyed the episode, I didn’t find the scenes with Phil appearing to be in love with the dog funny. Cheap laughs/humor. But the Claire/Phil story was good. Also, I didn’t laugh much with the Latinos storyline. But overall, still good :)

    • darthwilson

      You’re an idiot!

    • M

      I actually thought this show gets funnier and funnier. Last week’s with Benjamin Bratt was hilarious.

    • Alan

      You didn’t laugh. And we should care because……?

    • Tomm

      We don’t care, next…

    • Mothra

      Yeah, Tom, I usually laugh out loud at this show, but not at this episode. Thought the thing with the dog was weird for the sake of being weird and got old quickly. There were a few good lines, but overall, not the best effort from this normally funny show. I guess they can’t all be epic…

  • darthwilson

    I love this show! So many funny lines last night but my fav was “How is the little fortune cookie doing”. I haven’t laugh that hard in a long time.

  • M

    “Breasts are like these scary, mystical things he’s drawn to, like Frodo to Mordor.”

    Phil is priceless!!!!

    • darthwilson

      That was great a well!

  • Ambient Lite

    “You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.”
    Laughed til’ my eyes leaked, so great! I will NOT be letting this line go for a good couple of months. Perfect for the awkward flip past the late night skinemax movies.

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