After thoroughly eviscerating the 2009 People’s Choice Awards, I was honored (possibly not the correct word) to be asked by my editors if I would watch and comment on this year’s ceremony. And while I do not believe I deserve any credit or thanks — send your notes of gratitude to whoever hired Survivor producer Mark Burnett – I am thrilled to announce that the 2010 People’s Choice Awards were at least 47 percent less utterly moronic than their predecessor. In fact, it is possible I legitimately enjoyed entire seconds of the broadcast.
Because of this enjoyment, and because I am, in fact, a People, I have decided to hand out my own series of awards, interspersed with the actual televised results, after the jump. You can get the full list of winners, scads of which (including “Favorite Animal Show”) did not appear on the telecast, at PeoplesChoice.com. I have been told you can also register your preference for everything else on earth somewhere on the site, and that people who feel powerless in their own lives achieve a sense of purpose in doing so. The rest of us just blog. Onward!
Favorite Incredibly Disturbing Lyric
“All the best will win awards / the losers will be bound and gagged like spies on 24.” — Queen Latifah’s opening number
(Runner-up: “You can run but you can’t hide from the People’s Choice Awards.” — Queen Latifah’s opening number)
Favorite Way To Reference Twilight Phenomenon Without Making Entire Show About Twilight Phenomenon
Actually pretty funny parody in which Queen Latifah tries to get Edward Cullen to appear on the 2010 People’s Choice Awards
Favorite Moment In Actually Pretty Funny Twilight Parody
“I’ll just get the werewolf to do the show.” — Queen Latifah
Favorite Thing That Looks Awfully Vaginal
The new People’s Choice Award trophy
Favorite Comedy Movie
The Proposal
Favorite Moment of Total Honesty
“You don’t care what I have to say.” – The Proposal director Anne Fletcher, after being summoned to the mic by Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock
Favorite Thing That Made Me Long For Bryan Adams
The world premiere commercial for the upcoming Robin Hood remake
Favorite Reason Why The Show Had To Start At 9 p.m.
Cloris Leachman, dressed in bondage gear, engaging in a threesome as the punchline to a not-totally-embarrassing Paranormal Activity parody
(Runners-up: Paula Patton’s drug dealer joke; George Lopez; everyone sexually harassing Taylor Lautner)
Favorite Person Who Is Incapable Of Leaving The House Without Something Shiny On
Rascal Flatts singer Gary LeVox (possibly not his real name)
Favorite R&B Artist
Mariah Carey
Favorite Personal Assistant
Nick Cannon
(Runners-up: Nicole Kidman)
Favorite Local News Commercial That Could Have Been Referring To Tonight’s Show But Wasn’t
“Mariah Carey’s bizarre acceptance speech! Tonight, at 11.”
Favorite TV Comedy Actor
Steve Carell
Favorite Acceptance Speech Gag Ever, Tragically Wasted On A Slow Room
“That’s what she said.” — Steve Carell
Favorite TV Comedy Actress
Alyson Hannigan
Favorite TV Comedy
The Big Bang Theory
Favorite Introduction
“Please welcome, from The Forgotten, Christian Slater.”
Favorite Performance Of A Song That Was Performed On The Exact Same Stage Just Over A Month Ago
Mary J. Blige, “I Am”
Favorite Person I Was Shocked To See In The Audience Because I’d Already Gotten A Press Release About Carrie Underwood Winning Favorite Country Artist
Taylor Swift
Favorite Category I Forgot About
Favorite Female Artist
Favorite Country Artist
Carrie Underwood
Favorite TV Actor
Hugh Laurie
Favorite Use Of The Moat Monster From Willow
The world premiere commercial for Clash of the Titans
Favorite Most Horrifying Moment In Awards Show History
Slowly realizing what George Lopez meant by “Mr. Skin”
(Runner-up: Thinking about George Lopez and “Mr. Skin” in relation to his sexual harassment of Taylor Lautner)
Favorite Movie Actress
Sandra Bullock
Favorite Reason Why I Love Sandra Bullock
Her ability to immediately negate the horror of George Lopez
Favorite Rumor Sparked By The 2010 People’s Choice Awards
Sandra Bullock slept with Tiger Woods
Favorite Action Star
Hugh Jackman
Favorite Independent Movie
Inglourious Basterds
Favorite Transition From Indifference To Deafening Pandemonium
Inglourious Basterds actors Eli Roth, Diane Kruger, and B.J. Novak awarding Favorite Breakout Movie Actor to Taylor Lautner
Favorite Breakout Movie Actor
Taylor Lautner
Favorite CVS Commercial
kill me
Favorite Male Artist
Keith Urban
Favorite Least Favorite Thing Keith Urban (Whose Yearly Income, When Combined With That Of His Wife Nicole Kidman, Could Probably Get China Off Our Backs) Has Ever Said
“I don’t care if you download [my music] illegally and give it to your friends.”
Favorite “Musical Performance” I Totally Fast-Forwarded Through
Former-joke-band-assembled-for-the-benefit-of-Snakes-on-a-Plane-soundtrack Cobra Starship (f. Pussycat Doll)
Favorite Web Celeb
Ashton Kutcher
Favorite Web Celeb Who Really Did Deserve Their Award
Ashton Kutcher, who UStreamed his entire evening, including his acceptance speech
Favorite New TV Drama
Vampire Diaries
Favorite New TV Comedy
Glee
Favorite New TV Comedy Acceptance Speech Totally Bastardized By Product Placement
Glee
Favorite Pizza I Will Never Eat Again
DiGiorno’s
Favorite Only Redeeming Quality Of Above Two Awards
The looks of dread on the faces of the cast of Glee as they marched inextricably towards DiGiorno’s product placement
Favorite Female Artist
Taylor Swift
Favorite Snarky Comment You Knew Was Coming About Taylor Swift
Must be saving her astonishment for the Grammys
Favorite Uncharacteristically Earnest Moment That Still Did Not Accomplish Goal Of Getting Me To Text Them $10
Commercial for Children’s Safe Drinking Water campaign
Favorite Actor of the Decade
Johnny Depp
Favorite Introduction for Johnny Depp
“Johnny Depp doesn’t follow trends, he creates them. He singlehandedly made being a pirate fashionable again. Which is great, unless you’re sailing an oil tanker off the coast of Somalia. Also, his harrowing documentary about the late 19th century confectioner, Sir William Wonka, has made it acceptable once again for creepy middle-aged men to approach children and offer them candy. Thank you for that, Johnny. Later this year, his starring role in Alice in Wonderland will hopefully make it acceptable for creepy middle-aged men to invite young girls around for tea, and offer them hallucinogenic drugs. Thanks again, Johnny. Johnny’s dedication to research for every role he does is immense. Prior to Pirates of the Caribbean, he spent almost six weeks at a Sandals resort in Barbados. And for Corpse Bride…it’s better you don’t know what he did. Ladies and gentlemen, he’s the greatest character actor of his generation, and he is the most popular movie star in the world for good reason. It is my great pleasure to award Favorite Actor of the Decade to Mister Jonathan Depp.” — Sacha Baron Cohen
Favorite Reason Why Johnny Depp Is An Actor By Trade As Opposed To Something That Requires Extemporaneous Speaking
“Bless you so much. Bless you. First of all, I think — bless your heart, thank you — I’m gonna have to thank Sacha Baron Cohen, the great Sacha Baron Cohen, for not, um, verbally decimating me here tonight. So thank you, Sacha. Well. Here we are. Oh, so sweet. Thank you. I am deeply humbled by this great honor, which comes from you, the people, which means everything to me, certainly, it means everything to us all. Because the only reason any of us are up here is, is because of you. So thank you for that, all of you. It has been quite an amazing decade. Incredible ride. And I sincerely thank you all for bestowing upon me all your great treasures. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good night.” — Johnny Depp’s acceptance speech
Favorite People’s Choice Awards Acceptance Speech Cliché
“The only reason any of us are up here is because of you.”
(Runners-up: “This is for the fans”; “This means everything to me”; any and all references to “The People”)
Your turn, PopWatchers. Got any awards of your own?
More People’s Choice Awards:
News: ‘Twilight’ wins big at People’s Choice Awards 2010
PopWatch: People’s Choice Awards 2009: You showed up? Here’s a trophy!
Abso-freakin’-lutely hilarious. I wish we hadn’t changed channels for the only tolerable part of “Launch My Line” thinking Lady Gaga was going to guest judge – I would have loved to have watched the Johnny Depp bit.
All of this – so right on.
I didn’t watch it, but I was lucky enough to change the channel right when Johnny Depp got his award, so I saw that delicious part. Two of my favorite actors- Sacha Baron Cohen and Johnny Depp on the stage at the same time is a can’t miss moment.
you’re an idiot!
The feeling is mutual, ted.
I don’t know a single educated person who wastes time watching these award shows. Soooooooo boring! They are just lame last-ditch efforts to boost sales.
Favorite Award That Was Unfairly NOT Presented During The Ceremony… Best Fantasy/Scifi Show (SUPERNATURAL finally wins something and nobody says squat??? I’m outraged!)
I TOTALLY AGREE! I’m super excited that Supernatural is finally being recognized. But why couldn’t it be on the telecast?
Agreed. Supernatural is one of the best shows on television and everyone ignores it. Not cool.
Stupid and pathetic show that won’t be around in 2 years! Ridiculous that it won over Lost!!!
@ted – have you seen it? I’m not saying you would automatically love it. IMO it’s a great show with wonderful writing and characters. Just like Lost. I can like two shows, ya know, and be happy when one wins something or is finally recognized like others have said. Why are you so bitter? Do you realize that Lost won’t be around in a 2 years either? It’s in its last season, as is Supernatural most likely, because both are planning to end after this season.
@ Ted
You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about. Supernatural is one of the most insanely well-crafted shows in the last 5 years, and while it builds intrigue, suspense, and intensity like Lost, unlike lost, it actually “puts out”…basically, the mind-bending twists on Supernatural are explained or at least adhered to while the twists on Lost just start to get annoying. If there’s anything pathetic and stupid going on around here I’m sure it would have something to do with you. Such hostility, you really make Lost fans look good. XD
I agree completely!! Supernatural is my favorite show of all time, and it has the best storyline! It can’t even be recognized? I don’t know about you, but I wanted to see some hot guys give an acceptance speech… (Jensen and Jared. lol.)
I was REALLY disappointed that not only was the Fav Sci-Fi/Fantasy Award NOT presented to Supernatural DURING the broadcast, but there was also not even a mention of it (or any of the other categories that they also didn’t air).
I really feel that as the PCA’s headed off to the commercial breaks they could have – either via announcer voiceover or doing a screenshot listing several of them – made mention of the categories/winners there (apparently) wasn’t enough time to actually present awards to during the on-air broadcast.
Whitney, thank you so much, bless your heart, thank you…this is for you, part of the “people”..thank you for entertaining me so early in the morning! I’m so glad I didn’t waste any of my precious 24 hours yesterday to watch this award show..you filled me in brillantly! But I still question..who are the people who vote for the People Choice awards?? Keith Urban??!! Wah??
I totally agree, Keith Urban is an amazing singer but best male??? out of all the amazing singers in other music genres??? sorry but no….
Totally agree!
Amen AnaB. The best show on tv that apparently someone IS watching after all – GO SUPERNATURAL!!!
pretty good stuff there, I LOL! at the favorite CVS commercial…kill me!!! too funny! I turned it off after Alyson Hannigan won and TBBT won best commedy. Glad to see Glee won too!
Okay I’m sorry…how do you spell “comedy” wrong?
Typo, maybe?
Her key probably stuck on “m”. At least she didn’t spell it “komidie”.
Can we for once NOT have a post that complains about grammar or spelling? Jeesh!!!!
ohkay gramir pulise.
Great write-up! I didn’t see any of the show but this gives me the total feel. Ho-ho-Hilarious!
Nicole Kidman looked amazing. Johnny Depp FOREVER!
OMG I had to LOL when I read this -totally what I was thinking. What a waste of time. I will never get that 2 hours back! Heard a rumor (apparently) that Adam Lambert would be on so sat through it. Mariah’s drunk speech and the Twilight parody were the only things of value. Felt like one longggg commercial. So sad.
Favorite person who did not attend and saved their career: Adam Lambert!!
You are a sad person if you sat there waiting for a glimpse of nasty Glambert. He needs all the help in saving his sorry career.
Mindy, I completely agree! I waited up to see if Adam won Breakout Artist of the Year, and they didn’t even bother to announce the category. I’m fine with Lady Gaga winning, but why not on the telecast? And Kristyn, I love nasty Glambert. He’s really a sweetheart underneath. I’m just sayin…
Chelsea, I’m glad you don’t like Adam. All of his fans are nice people, who don’t go out of their way to degrade others. You wouldn’t fit in.
Excuse me, I meant Kristyn. Kristyn, you wouldn’t fit in.
Mindy,
I was hoping to see Adam too. Happily I recorded it on my DVR so I didn’t waste too much time.
Opening was mediocre at best and stomached through to Maria Carrey who was first or second award. What a waste of time to listen to over egotized people who can’t seem to speak properly without the help of a good writer. Who calls this entertainment. If Hollywood is in trouble it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why.
You’re the lucky one. I sat through the whole two hours and besides Sandra Bullock’s speech after winning Favorite movie actress it all went downhill from there. I love Queen Latifah but she shouldn’t be a host of any type of awards show. I got sick of hearing her voice after awhile.
Great recap thanks!
Favorite Totally Inexplicable Presence: Mary J. Blige instead of Lady Gaga performing
Favorite Man who must be sleeping with someone at ABC: James Denton. He’s in their ads with the muppets, presenting the Awards, etc. He’s handsome and charming sure, but so is everyone else on Desperate Housewives. Someone’s b***ing James Denton!
I feel like this show is the ugly step-child of awards shows. This is the one that no one wants to acknowledge and it is sooo painful to watch! I did watch last night and I too would like those 2 hours back! Nice recap though! The only part that was worth watching was Johnny Depp!
Exactly. I didn’t watch it, but I remember thinking that I can’t wait for the REAL awards shows to start aka SAGs, Golden Globes, Oscars, Grammys, and all the other legitimate ones. People’s choice is definitely the illegitimate child that no one wants.
haha I know, can’t wait for those shows
Actually, nominess and winners are the first ones to CARE about this award show.
I’m sick and tired of watching Hugh Laurie robbed at Emmys every single year and Eva Longoria never even snabbing a nod (though she’s such a delight to watch).
Btw, PCA are also one of the reasons why people like Jennifer Aniston stay under the spotlight (even if her movies are bombs) and others like Katherine Heigl can keep doing their diva on set: people just like them.
“snabbing a nod”? That’s not English, but I’m totally going to use it!
Queen Latifah and Mariah Carey (and whoever dresses them) should realize that backfat and popping sides of boobs are really not appealing to look at. Cover up the fat, ladies!
That was hilarious. I always love pointing out the fact that everyone who wins is there to accept, and that those people are the celebrities who are kind enough to come to such a horrid awards show (Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, Taylor Lautner—all nice guys. The other ones are just attention whores, for example: Mariah Carey) The only good part was Sacha Baron Cohen.
I actually think this is the best show to watch. Most of the time, the films, songs, etc. picked by the so-called critics are not somehting I would care to see anyway. This show most reflects the feelings of the fans. Some if my favorites did not win either, but I still respect the show.
That said, Mariah Carey needs to get a life and off the “stuff” she’s on. Queen Latifah was funny sometimes, but missed a lot of the time. And please, put Cloris Leachman out to pasture already – the sight of her in that leather is permanent burned into my brain and will not leave.
I actually enjoyed most of the show. Love Sandra Bullock – she’s very funny. Mariah Carey was wasted and Taylor Swift needs to eat a sandwich. Also loved when Sasha Baren Cohen came out and said “I’m British”.
Sasha’s entire gig was great.
Keith Urban certainly deserved his award. If you haven’t seen him perform you are missing something great!!!!!!
Keith Urban is amazing. I was at his concert this summer and fell in love with his performance. He is humble and a great human being. His voice is great but when he played his guitar I was out of this world. Country music is changing fast and he seems to be the last of the legends