'Parks and Recreation': Best lines from 'Ron and Tammy'?

parks_recreation_mullallyForget angels vs. demons and Yankees vs. Phillies (insert “woohoo!” here). Last night’s Parks and Recreation staged one of the greatest battles of all time: Parks versus the library. Based on the jokes alone, Parks came out on top. Below, my favorite lines from “Ron and Tammy” (featuring guest star Megan Mullally, pictured, as Ron’s ex-wife and library employee Tammy).

Tammy: If I’d had a park like that growing up, I probably wouldn’t have gone through such a prolonged mall-slut phase.”

Leslie (Amy Poehler): ”Pawnee’s library department are the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I’ve ever seen. They’re like a biker gang, but instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy and shushing.”

Ron (Nick Offerman): ”Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working at the library. The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.”

Leslie: “What do you mean, ‘no’? Everyone has a weakness.” Ron: “Not machines. I honestly believe she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.”

Ron: “Tammy is a mean person. She’s a grade-A bitch. Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man, but you know the worst thing about her?” Leslie: “She works for the library.”

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  • m.

    I love how Megan Mullally is actually married to Nick Offerman.

    • Penny

      What? Really? That’s funny.

    • PMD

      So I like yesterday’s episode but was expecting a bit more. But somehow by you telling me that tidbit made me love last night’s episode!!! My fave parts were the Tammy and Ron exchanges!

    • dave

      Really? I didn’t know that.

    • izikavazo

      That’s insane, who knew?
      Honestly, did anyone else know that?

    • Justin

      Wow!! Did not know that. Very interesting and cool at the same time.

  • kim in kentucky

    I agree – one of the best lines: Even telemarketers avoid her

  • Knope Knows

    Great list of quotes for an awesome episode.

    Here’s a few more good quotes!


  • Tim

    How do you not have the greatest line in the entire history of the series?!…”That woman REALLY knows her way around a penis.”

    • Rob Grizzly

      Agreed! lol

    • Ceballos

      Double agreed!

  • Troy

    I can’t stop laughing at “Every time she laughs, an angel dies.”

  • Jen

    How could you leave out Ron discussing his love for brunettes and breakfast foods.

    And personally I would rather be Eleanor Roosevelt than Cleopatra.

  • Penny

    Hey did you notice who didn’t have any funny lines and never does? Yep, that’s right, Ann and Mark. The most boring couple in the world.

    • E.

      Actually I really like Ann and Mark. I think their subtle, drier humor and more grounded persona are what make the whole ensemble cast work. (Plus, I’ve thought Paul Schneider was adorable since I saw him in the movie All the Real Girls, so…)

    • C

      Brendanawicz is my my favorite character (althought Jerry is getting pretty close). And I know that they are trying to make him the normal guy, but he was so much funnier in the first season. I wish they would give him some more comedic lines because his dry humor is terrific.
      The scene at the political dinner celebrating Leslie’s mom where Brendanawicz, Leslie, and Ann mocked the board members was super funny. His lack of funny moments this season has not been for a lack of talent on his part.

  • Ceballos

    “Is part of your mustache missing?”

  • Thea

    OMG, how could this line be forgotten? I almost spit my soda out when I heard it.

    “It’s like doing Peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours”

  • Lucy

    Hahahah! I don’t even follow the show, but that’s funny stuff.


    YAY SANDRA!!!!!

  • eli

    I know I’m not going to get this right, but when Ron asks Leslie about staring into the “eye of the Devil’s butthole.”

  • horrorgeek

    It was “What’s it like to stare into the eye of Satan’s butthole?” If I had food in my mouth, I would have spit it out laughing.

    • laylagalise

      That was hilarious! I also thought “That woman knows her way around a penis” was pretty funny as well.

  • bb

    GREAT show last night! Loved it when they were running into the hotel room already 1/2 undressed

  • Justin

    “I honestly believe she was programmed by someone in the future and sent back to destroy all happiness”. ROTFL!!!

    • Justin

      Also, the scenes with Tom and Andy were funny, too.

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