Like the Subway sandwich I ate for dinner last night (depressing, I know), this week’s venture into Hell’s Kitchen was serviceable but completely forgettable. For one thing, it seemed a whole lot less Hell-ish. Gordon Ramsay waited all the way until the show’s second half to start throwing hissy fits, and even then, his Swearengenesque putdowns seemed artificially escalated. Ramsay never appeared convincingly pissed off in an “I’m ending my life and taking all of you with me” sort of a way. I’m still new to the show, as I explained last week, but I’m quickly learning that each episode’s success hinges on the authenticity of Chef Ramsay’s anger; although, alternatively, I would cherish seeing an episode in which Ramsay pretended to be a charmingly courteous Brit, á la Jim Broadbent, until the credits rolled. Nothing would freak the contestants out more than that.
So we’re down to the final dozen, and a leading candidate has yet to emerge. Right now the remaining six guys look to be in pretty good shape, with “aw shucks, I’m from Georgia” Van and “aw shucks, I’m actually nice” Jim at the top of my list. But it’s still way too early to tell, and Episode 5 didn’t really help us narrow down the list — we all knew Tek was going to be eliminated sooner rather than later.
This episode’s catch was that the contestants were going to prepare a “Welcome Home” feast for Marine Staff Sergeant Otis James, who was returning from a 13-month stint in Iraq. This is a swell idea and all, and I hope Sgt. James and his family enjoyed the experience, but didn’t the whole thing seem very 2003-ish to you? I have nothing against reality shows honoring America’s finest in Iraq, but every single reality show capitalized on that idea a few years ago, and now it feels stale.
For the first challenge, each team had to whip up one appetizer dish and two entrees, which would be tasted by James’ wife, Lytasha. Before the cooking commenced, Ramsay selected Robert and Suzanne to meet Lytasha and learn about her and her husband’s food preferences. Robert returned to the blue team, announced a general country-cooking style and helped guide his teammates’ dishes. Suzanne, on the other hand, transformed into a culinary dictator as she ordered around her teammates and scorned their suggestions. I gave Suzanne a pass last week, but I bet her “my way or the highway” approach isn’t going to be tolerated much longer by her fellow chefs. Lytasha picked the blue team as the winners (of course it came down to the last dish), and the guys hit the skies in fighter jet planes (because nothing complements fine dining like nausea-inducing nosedives). The gals got stuck with Ramsay’s wife, Tana, who orchestrated the decorations for the night’s dinner service, but mostly the chefs just practiced their Chipmunk voices by inhaling mucho helium from the balloons.
The girls have yet to win a dinner service, and in this episode, it didn’t help that the guys essentially cheated. Since the blue team won Lytasha’s vote, the entire kitchen had to cook their menu: bouillabaisse, fried catfish with collard greens and mac and cheese, and Surf ‘n’ Turf. However, the guys wouldn’t completely share their recipes with the ladies — I loved Jim’s shrug when Ariel asked him about “all those little specks” in his dish. So the red team was at a disadvantage from the start, and thanks to Tek’s inability to properly grill steaks, the blue team easily won again. In fact, the blue team managed to send all of their entrees out before the red team finished a single entree, prompting Ramsay to order the guys to assist the girls for the rest of the service. Oh, and Ramsay called the women “stupid cows,” obviously to distinguish them from those Einsteinian cows you’ve been hearing about.
Tennille annoyed me for most of the episode, but she did provide the best (unintentional) comedic timing of the night. While the women were discussing the two chefs that should be nominated for elimination, Tennille’s name came up. In response, Tennille passionately made her case while using five bleep-worthy words, and then she followed it all by… putting on ChapStick? Yes! Nothing puts the exclamation mark in a profanity rant like some good ol’ lip balm.
The red team nominated Tek and Tennille, but when Ramsay asked Tennille who she thought should be nominated instead, she selected Amanda (who almost sent out raw lobster during the service). Sir Ramsay agreed, bringing the judge’s decision to either Tek or Amanda. The latter chef started crying, prompting the only truly cold-hearted Ramsay line of the night: “I’m looking right through your eyes, and I think you’re done. I don’t see anything left.” Ouch. But Ramsay axed Tek instead, and at least she took it well, boasting, “I’m a crazy bada– girl!” You go, girl. The ads for next week’s show promised a return to classic Hell’s Kitchen shenanigans. In the clips, Tennille and Ramsay get into a yelling match, and Robert will have a medical problem that’ll send him to the hospital. There’ll be some cooking too. I think?
Until then, PopWatchers, answer me this: Do you believe the red team will get its act together anytime soon? Would you ever want to eat at one of the Hell’s Kitchen dinners knowing how many items are almost served raw or undercooked? And when was the last time you inhaled helium from a balloon? I’m nostalgically flipping through my childhood memories, and I honestly think I’ve never done it. So next week this recap will be written entirely under the influence of helium. Just kidding…or am I?
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Slight correction, the bouillabaisse was not on the menu last night, the girls salad was because that was what the soldier’s wife chose.
As far as the guys sabotaging the girls, Ramsay is pretty good at catching that sort of thing but it’s not like the girls even got a chance to fail at putting the entre’s together since Tek and Amanda couldn’t even complete the entre’s for one table.
And to answer your questions, I think the red team will eventually get it together, especially if Robert has to leave the show (that will be a huge hit to the guys team). The girls team still has a few people holding them back and once they get rid of them they should be able to start completing more services.
I would eat at Hell’s Kitchen but only after the merge, the early services are always horrible but after the merge they start to get in a decent groove.
I disagree. Ramsay was bloody angry! I didn’t like that he called the women cows though. I thought he crossed the line a bit. I was not surprised that he had the guys take over. I could not believe the women did so terribly. Next week does not look good for Tenille.
he calls them cows every week, why would you be surprised?
Most of them are stupid cows
My wife and I enjoy this show, even with the profanity laced dialogue. Tenille was deservedly upset since her suggestions/help had been rebuffed to disastrous results by the ladies.
Robert showed leadership and could WIN if he would only stay healthy.
Robert is a tool!
He thinks he is so cool, but he is down right trashy. I would never eat at a restaurant he is invoved with
Yeah Robert is kind of crazy…he started on a rampage last week. Scary!! Plus, he sounds like a misogynist.
Robert has been the most misogynistic reality show contestant for two seasons of this show. Is that grossly obese shlub really who you want fixing your five star cuisine? “Tool” is the perfect description for chubby.
It’s interesting that the two [that I've seen] misogynistic contestants on Hell’s Kitchen were both fat. Jason from Season 4 was a trashy obese woman hater too. Clearly under-accomplished slobs have a tendency to console themselves with chauvinism.
He doesn’t hate women since he is married but he can’t stand women who can’t cook properly.
When they announced the reward was flying in fighter planes, I immediately said “There is no way they are getting Robert’s sizeable badonkadonk into one of those.” Last year, rather than getting to ride in a helicopter, he basically spent an entire day on a ferryboat, riding back and forth. So no surprise we never actually SAW him in a plane. And what a shock that since he is even more huge this year, he’s once again in trouble medically. I’m starting to think GR just wants the guy dead!
I had the exact same thought, and the attempt by Fox to gloss over this by pretending he didn’t exist was pathetic. What the hell is the point of this reward, anyway? Do they deliberately come up with stuff that the poor fat guy can’t do? Maybe the challenges could be made more exciting if the kitchen is narrowed, and all the ingredients are put on shelves near the floor that require a lot of bending over…..
Your name is like music to my ears.
I agree! They must want him dead – they brought him back with the same heart problem? Anyway, its time for an all-star season anyway.
If indeed it is Robert’s heart problem that sends him to the hospital next week, then I have very little sympathy. I think Robert is hilarious, but the heart problem last year should have scared him straight. Bigguns doesn’t look like he’s lost an ounce in the interim! He needs to wake up and smell the bypass surgery!
I agree 100%. If Robert wants to be on a reality show it should be the Biggest Loser, not Hell’s Kitchen.
Amen. I would not wanting him to work in my restaurant in his condition. You would have thought he would have lost a few pds since the last show.
Ramsey would do him a big favor by getting him medical help rather than giving a chance at his dream of being a chef.. In his current condition he will never be able to do the job.
Looking at Robert now and him on last year’s show, I would say he has gained at least 50 pounds. Frankly, given the stringent requirements that reality shows have in terms of the physical and mental examinations that are performed, it’s amazing that he made it on last years show let alone this years. Adding to the weight condition is his bad temper which is an issue in itself.
Actually they should send Robert over to the Biggest Loser before bringing him back to Hell’s Kitchen.
Mark my words: this competition will come down to Ariel and Kevin.
I agree with you. They are the only two who seem to have their heads on straight and don’t get called out on every little thing. In fact, I don’t think I have heard Ariel’s name at all!
I totally called that last night also.
Forgot 2 things: Kevin looks like the one to beat, by a mile. Cool, composed and he can cook. And each week I hate Suzanne (and her wacked out eyebrows) more and more. She always has that constipation face on her mug, she doesn’t listen to anyone else, and the tongue ring makes her sound like she has a load of rocks in her mouth. I wish the other females would stand up to her for a change.
THANK YOU!!! Nobody this side of Susan Boyle has needed to make the acquaintance of a pair of tweezers more than Suzanne! She has serious control issues as well; had she simply shared the info she learned in the meeting, he team would have been better prepared for the challenge. Instead, she felt the need to dictate the entire menu.
Van is from Texas, not Georgia. And I see nothing wrong in doing a welcome home party for a service member. It may be “so 2003,” but soldiers are still fighting and dying out in Afghanistan. And I’m sure the families appreciated it.
I actually agree with Tenille that Amanda should have gone up instead of her. Amanda sent out raw seafood and even though Tenille had a rough start, she’s not that bad. The other women just won’t listen to her, most notably Suzanne.
I, too, noticed that we didn’t see Robert in any of the planes. When I heard about the reward I immediately felt bad for him, because he’s the reason the blue team won.
I know! Sort of mean for Ramsay to pick him as the leader for the challenge, knowing it was a reward he probably couldn’t participate in. Ah well, at least we didn’t have to hear more of his “Woe is me, I’m so fat I never get to do anything fun” again.
I was surprised that they had a flight suit in his size!
They didn’t have a flight suit his size; he was wearing a jacket only, unzipped and clearly too small for him.
Van is a low class ignorant pig. He should be pumping gas, not being a chef
If I were going to Hell’s Kitchen, I would eat before I went because there is no telling when I would receive food. Last time I inhaled helium was mmffgh years ago when I worked at TGI Fridays and we had to make those danged balloon arches. BTW I would have been ticked off too if they singled me out and I was on dessert station. They never GOT to desserts!
In fairness Ramsey should have mentioned that the blue team played dirty by not sharing the recipes. I was disappointed he never said anything. Sabrina, although she is always on that losing red team, seems to be very competent and Ramsay has noticed in the past….
They were making collards, grilled lobster, steak and cheeseburgers. There’s not much mystery there.
And it wasn’t recipe failure that sank the red team…it was simple inability to cook.
Just had to comment on your thought that celebrating a returning solider is “very 2003ish”. Your response is exactly the reason why I’m happy to see shows still honoring our troops. The fact is that, in 2009, there are still servicemembers making sacrifices on our behalf and I think it’s important to be reminded of that – sorry if it’s not your idea of contemporary or modern entertainment.
THANK YOU!! I thought the same thing. Since when does honoring our troops have to be trendy or the “in thing to do?!” That statement actually made me angry.
Yes, I also thought that saying a welcome home feast for servicemen or women is very “2003-ish” and “stale” is insulting. 2003–that was six years ago, John Young, and perhaps in TV-speak that’s shorter than the run of some series, but it also means this war has been going on SIX YEARS. No matter anybody’s feelings about the reasons behind war, I think we could all agree that’s 6 years too long, right? I have many issues with Fox, but at least they’re trying to make viewers remember that there’s still something horrible going on out there that we need to be reminded about. If this is a trickledown effect from Colbert’s week in Iraq, well, good job. What would you rather, that they had hosted a Michael Jackson memorial dinner?
John, bang your head into a wall a few times. You deserve it. Throwing a party for a returning vet is “so 2003-ish”? We still have two wars going on, you dope. People are still dying. I didn’t know honoring heroes was a “trend.” And as someone who gets paid to talk about reality TV, you should know these types of shows do this every year — they did it on the last two seasons of “The Next Food Network Star,” for example.
Anyway, as to this show: you’re totally wrong that Ramsey wasn’t really angry this episode; in fact, he seemed more generally embarrassed than normal. He felt like their failures reflected poorly upon him because the event was in his name.
The thing I don’t get is that all the women knew that the steak needed to be marked and then finished in the oven, and yet Tek kept trying to grill them through. I know they told her this, but why did they continue to allow her to do it?
I was surprised Amanda didn’t get sent home. As soon as he called her down, she was in tears — it was like she was having a breakdown. And honestly, what better example do you need that she’s in over her head than that she broke down just from being under Ramsey’s gaze?
It was 30 (THIRTY) months that he was in Iraq…hence the “gone for more than 2 years” comment during the episode. Whatever side your opinion fally on re the war, that sacrifice of him and his family is worth honouring.
Ramsay clearly said “13 months”
I think Tennille is WAY too full of herself, and the previews for next week look as though she blows a fuse. She is probably not any MORE incompetent than a couple of other members of the women’s team, but it looks as though she would be hard to work with, which may have had something to do with her being put up for dismissal twice before. Also, Van’s charm wore off for me about two minutes after he was introduced in the first episode. Looking forward to seeing him go.
john, thanks for taking on these recaps. they used to be quite funny and entertaining, but last year diminished into a lame and boring play-by-play. your second effort is already better than your first and i’ll once again be looking forward to these reads.