"CELEBRITIES" Everyone knows that the celebrity versions of reality shows use a generous definition of the word “star.” But this one reaches new depths. These people aren’t in the “Who’s Who in Entertainment,” they’re in the “Who the Hell Is That in Entertainment.” Heidi Pratt’s sister? Patti Blagojevich? And what about the since-eliminated Frangela? That team of two comedians didn’t add up to one-fifth of a celebrity. The same game show rules of veracity born out of the 1950s' Twenty One scandals should legally force NBC to always put the word “celebrity” in quotes. I especially loved the moment when the group sat around talking about the perks of fame. At least Stephen Baldwin was honest when he said it was his brother Alec’s name that gets him a good table at restaurants. I think dropping “Stephen Baldwin” might, at best, get you a window seat on a Greyhound bus. I also deeply enjoyed Lou Diamond Phillips’ soliloquy of the time he got some advice from Dame Helen Mirren at the La Bamba premiere. That comically earnest and long-past-its-expiration-date show-biz tale sounded like he was quoting from one of Martin Short's Jackie Rogers, Jr. skits.
REALITY RIP-OFF The recipe for this show seems to be to mash Survivor into Big Brother, then dribble some slime from the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards onto it as an adhesive. It’s like the producers aren't even trying to make it their own: They have “luxury trials” and “food trials,” as opposed to Big Brother’s luxury and food challenges. And the jungle element and close-up nature photography is all Survivor, even if the “celebrities” constantly get food airlifted in and have a giant tarp to sleep under. (Ever notice that the camp never gets wet?) Back in 2003, when ABC was about to debut the first season of I’m a Celebrity…, CBS filed for an injunction to stop it from airing, claiming the show was a copyright infringement on Survivor. But a judge denied the claim, saying, basically, that most TV borrows from its predecessors. If that couldn’t pass the infringement test, thenI don’t think anyone can be held liable for ripping off a show. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start preparing my pitch to NBC for a new forensics procedural, CSII.
THE LAND WHERE STRATEGY GOES TO DIE I have watched every episode so far, and I’m still not sure what anyone is supposed to be doing, other than touching snakes. Every week viewers vote someone off, but purely on the basis of who they like. So what is the point of all the challenges? Janice Dickinson barely participates, but people are so entertained by her absolute wackjobbishness that they keep her around. Yet the producers keep tossing in staples from other reality shows that make no sense in a strategy-free contest. For example, on Tuesday night, host Damien Fahey gravely told John Salley that they had a proposal for him: He could grant one other player immunity…OR he could take it for himself! I could sense the producers watching with bated breath. “This kind of conundrum is always great drama on Survivor! By giving up immunity, he can win the other players’ respect and loyalty, but if he takes it, he could alienate them and…wait, what’s that? He took the immunity two minutes ago? No agonizing? What happened to our agonizing?” What possible reason could Salley have for giving away immunity? Alliances don’t matter. All that matters are the dwindling people at home who, in between burping up take-out Papa Johns, randomly pound in their text votes based on nothing but who is either purty or a really entertaining jerk. The camp was abuzz on Wednesday night about how after tonight's double elimination it woudl be "game on!" In other words, now they have to sit around all day on their asses trying to be really endearing.
AND OF COURSE, JANICE DICKINSON Boy, I hate to reward behavior like hers, but she is so uniquely awful that I’m hooked. Much like Joan Rivers, she can get as much plastic surgery as she wants, but everything under the neck gives away her age. She stomps around the camp wearing a potato sack, hunched over and glaring like she’s in the middle of a game of charades and her clue is “Disney witch.” She is so unrepentantly awful that, much like Elvis Costello, I used to be disgusted, but now I’m just amused. How else can you be when faced with someone who is determined to act like it’s still the early '80s, an era in which she could legitimately refer to herself as a supermodel, and dating Sylvester Stallone still had cachet? And even though she's a complete noncompetitor, I admire her tenacity in always trying to keep a full face of makeup on even in 100 percent humidity.
Okay, now be honest. Are you mad at me for picking this show? Or did you find the joy in garbage done this garbagically? Come on, admit it, it grew on you! I will accept no other answer! All right, maybe I will. It will just be a personal insult.
I will be on vacation next week (so long, suckers!), so let’s meet back here on July 2nd. And what better way to celebrate the beginning of summer than with the Bill Murray classic Meatballs. Get your Netflix requests in now! The 1979 comedy was a beloved staple of everyone’s youth (especially someone as obsessed with summer camp as I), but will it hold up? Now that we’ve gotten used to the minimalist Bill Murray of his Lost in Translation/Wes Anderson era, will ye olde goofy Murray seem a bit much? Let’s find out, and meet back in two weeks.
I was just worried that on Monday when they said that the challenge would be to find stars in the “tunnel of terror” that Sanjaya was going to have to enter Janice Dickinson’s lady parts. I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed to see that it was something significantly less terrifying.
Josh, you are dead on. Its craposity is unmatched on TV today — I keep thinking Janice is going to fall apart at any moment. No, not her mind — but PHYSICALLY fall apart. Wouldn’t be surprised if one of her ears popped off any night now.
On a more serious note, I didn’t see any of the Heidi and Spencer shenanigans since I only watched this week’s episodes. So by just judging the post-Pratt era, I didn’t think it was nearly as awful as most of the VH1-type shows. These people actually appear to have souls, and Janice Dickinson on her good days seems borderline human. I honestly didn’t think it was as much of a trainwreck as I had anticipated. That being said, I still have no desire to watch another episode.
I hate my myself for being hooked to this.
http://tvdonewright.com/2009/06/17/tv-tonight-thursday-june-18th-2009/
Worst show ever! And this is coming from someone who absolutely loves crap reality tv and all it’s cheesy rip off glory! Paradise Hotel…LOVED! Big Brother…can do no wrong! TLC, VH1, MTV…best stations on the remote. I’m a Celebrity….I won’t even set my PVR for it and fast forward through it. It’s not worth my time or data storage space!
Ditto on I hate myself for watching this trainwreck. Janice is the most vile, disgusting, elistist pig I have ever seen on television. I really do mute the sound when she’s on.. I can’t stand to even hear her voice.
My only disagreement in this article is with Lou Diamond Phillips. He is the only true “actor” worth his salt that is on this show. He is a stand-up guy and deserves a lot better.
It’s summer-time tv. I’m bored and easily amused, so of course I’m watching it and enjoying it. Anything for a laugh and I get plenty of laughs from this show. I miss Daniel Baldwin. I love his upfront, in-your-face truthfulness. He has a very keen eye for the obvious and doesn’t mind pointing it out. I love that quality in a person!
Yeah, Nancy, Daniel Baldwin was “truthful,” and yet every time I watched him, I couldn’t get the memories out of my head of when he showed up to “Celebrity Rehab” ostensibly as someone sober who could help everybody else, and when he left it turned out he was sending dirty texts to porn star Mary Carey while in the house and was generally creepy.
That said, while I usually find Stephen “Stevie B.” Baldwin incredibly annoying on these things, I’m actually finding him semi-endearing, in a bonehead kind of way. And yet watching the two together, I kept picturing Alec Baldwin watching in the fetal position, going, “Why why why why why?”
I never watched Celebrity Rehab and wasn’t aware of DB’s behavior. Glad that you pointed that out. I just find it so refreshing when someone says something out loud that pretty much everyone else is thinking but is afraid to say. Too bad he’s so creepy otherwise.
Wojo, you missed out on some classic stuff by not seeing any of the Speidi era.
From their predictable brattiness to their laughable religous conversion, they really pushed this show to another level of unique awfulness it hasn’t reached since they left. (And that’s saying something, since the show featured an extended segment about Janice Dickinson being constipated this week. I’m not mad at Speidi. I don’t take them seriously at all, and I look at them the way they (especially Spencer) wants us to look at them…they’re like professional bad guys. If this were wrestling, they’d be the heels (and Spencer knows it).
Other than that, I agree that the show is totally nonsensical in its challenges, since alliances and such don’t matter and America just keeps who they want to see around.
Personally, I like LDP (he’s so darn earnest) and Torrie Wilson (I think both me and my girlfriend got a little turned on watching her turn that crank in that plank challenge) (TMI?)
Josh-
You’re totally right about Daniel Baldwin. At first, I was grateful that someone was calling out Janice’s laziness, but then I remembered what a holier-than-thou skeaze he was in Celebrity Rehab. If there had been a way for him to secretly send dirty text messages to Torrie Wilson in the jungle, I guarantee he would’ve done it too.
No personal insult, Josh, but Mel is right: the standard by which “unable-to-turn-away” realtity shows are to be measured by remains “Paradise Hotel”. I don’t know how many people remember this ridiculous one-shot series, but wow! The contestants were vapid and self-absorbed even by early twenties reality TV star standards, and it felt like producers made up the rules as they went along, based on who they decided they wanted to go home that week. It was shallow, ludicrous and laughable, and I didn’t miss a single episode. This week I measured “Celebrity” based on that criteria, and I’m afraid it failed. I didn’t find anyone interesting or mockable enough. Watching it always felt like homework, and like Wojo, I won’t be watching another episode now that the assigment is over. That’s a major failure on it’s part, given how compelled I usually feel to find out how any reality show finishes.
I am embarrassed to say that I have watched every episode of this garbage because my husband likes it and I love him. But I have found it moderately entertaining and can’t stop watching. Janice is the most disgusting person I have ever watched and I can’t believe the stuff that she does and the things that she says. The show is much better without Speidi and there “religious” garbage. Those two need some serious mental therapy. I think even God is embarrassed and ashamed when they speak His name. I will continue to watch and be ashamed to admit that I do.
Very funny take on this show, Josh! And how you got by without mentioning that entire episode that focused mostly on Janice throwing up, then reappearing the next morning full of some ‘miracle juice’ dispensed at the ‘infirmary’ which made her even happier than had she been at a shoe sale at Filene’s. Boy, if only I could locate that miracle cure for when my husband is barfing!
That said, I loved the parts where Sanjaya was grubbing for stars in some tunnel where they tossed teeny crocodiles at him – it’s TV magic as far as I’m concerned! (They never announced that no crocodiles or any other reptiles were harmed durning the filming of this show. I am afraid for the wildlife of Costa Rica as long as they continue filming there.
And Meatballs – hurray! My family gets to hear me chanting ” It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.” at every opportunity now. We all win!