'The Bachelorette' preview: Bring on the alpha males!

Good news, reality TV masochists! You won’t have to endure that empty feeling in the pit of your soul much longer, because the premiere of The Bachelorette: I’m from Canada, Eh? is coming in just 12 short days. (It’s nice to have a reason to live again, isn’t it?) While I have some doubts that Jillian, who was booted unceremoniously after nearly fornicating with Bachelor/professional moron Jason Mesnick in a hot tub last season, will be able to bring an appropriate level of crazy to the hallowed dating franchise, I do have higher hopes for the 30 men who will be emasculating themselves on television in her honor. According to today’s press release, the pool of studs includes a "hunky all-American pilot," a "handsome southern charmer with a foot obsession," a "confident Alpha male," and a "calculating actor who is just using Jillian to get TV exposure." Oh wait, I misread that last one — it actually said a "charming country boy." Even better, there are some seriously ridiculous names in this bunch, including "Mathue" (really, Mathue’s mom? You couldn’t have just gone with "Matthew"?) and "Kiptyn" (because we all know "Kip" would be a better name if it ended with three random consonants). And if you’re still not convinced, the two hour season premiere on May 18 features a "heated dance-off." (Attentive viewers will remember that last season of The Bachelor began with a "hot slow jazz dance," and look how well that turned out.) After the jump, ABC’s press release — with key parts highlighted for your edification.

JILLIAN BEGINS HER SEARCH FOR THAT ONE SPECIAL MAN WHEN
“THE BACHELORETTE” PREMIERES, MONDAY, MAY 18, ON ABC

For the First Time Ever, 30 Bachelors Look to Capture the Bachelorette’s Heart

Jillian’s Suitors Are Revealed

          What do a handsome southern charmer with a foot obsession, a sophisticated Latin lover who doesn’t mind rubbing other men the wrong way, a soulful country singer with bad boy appeal, a hunky all-American pilot, a confident Alpha male who isn’t afraid to stir up trouble and a charming country boy with a heart of gold all have in common? They’re all on the hunt for the new Bachelorette, Jillian Harris, when the fifth edition of the female version of ABC’s popular romance reality series, “The Bachelorette,” premieres MONDAY, MAY 18 (9:02-11:00 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network.

            Editors note: The program’s regular time is 8:00-10:00 p.m., ET, beginning Monday, May 25.

            Jillian, 29, a restaurant designer from Vancouver, Canada, meets 30 potential soul mates as she begins her own search for true love. In the premiere, “Episode 501,” 30 eligible men come from all over the country to try and win her heart. First out of the limo, Kiptyn, a California business developer, wows Jillian with his amazing good looks and quiet charm, but this hottie might just break her heart, and Bryan, a hunky high school coach from Oklahoma, literally scoops her up in his arms to start the evening.

            Once inside, Jillian lives every woman’s dream– surrounded by 25 handsome men – all there just for her. As the biggest night of her life begins, so does the competition between the men. Juan, a general contractor, tries to woo her with his Latin style, country crooner Wes charms Jillian with a song. But will break dance instructor Michael destroy Greg, the entrepreneur, as the two face off in heated dance-off?

            Then, when five striking handsome late arrivals crash the party, Jillian becomes the first Bachelorette to have 30 suitors battle over her. Tanner P, an engaging Texan financial analyst, reveals to Jillian that he is secretly obsessed with her feet. What has the Bachelorette gotten herself into? And Ed, a wealthy technology consultant from Chicago, makes an impact with his understated confidence.

            Tensions mount and sparks fly as the bachelors vie for the first impression rose. Finally, Jillian must eliminate ten of the 30 men, leaving 20 to compete for her affections and, in the end, her heart.

Jillian’s 30 suitors are:

Adam, 27, Olympic cyclist from Long Beach, CA.
Brad, 27, financial advisor from Chicago, IL.

Brian, 32, IT consultant from Atlanta, GA.

Bryan, 28, high school coach from Lawton, OK.

Bryce, 31, furniture dealer from Ft. Lauderdale, FL.

Caleb, 27, photographer, Nashville, TN.

David, 27, trucking contractor from Dayton, OH.

Ed, 29, technology consultant from Chicago, IL.

Greg, 31, entrepreneur from Scottdale, AZ.

Jake, 31, commercial pilot from Dallas, TX.

Jesse, 27, wine maker from Carmel Valley, CA.

John H., 27, branding consultant from Boise, ID.

John P., 29, marketing specialist from South Norwalk, CT.

Josh, 25, lifeguard from Newport Beach, CA.

Juan, 35, general contractor from Santa Monica, CA.

Julien, 34, restauranteur from San Diego, CA.

Kiptyn, 31, business developer from Encinitas, CA.

Kyle, 26, graphic designer from Brooklyn, NY.

Mark, 26, pizza entrepreneur from Denver, CO.

Mathue, 26, personal trainer from Wichita, KS.

Michael, 25, break dance instructor from Astoria, NY.

Mike, 28, baseball camp owner from New York, NY.

Reid, 30, realtor from Philadelphia, PA.

Robby, 25, bartender from Spring, TX.

Sasha, 27, oil and gas consultant from Tiki Island, TX.

Simon, 26, soccer coach from Bradford, England

Stephen, 30, lawyer from New York, NY.

Tanner F., 28, sales representative from Derby, KS.

Tanner P., 30, financial analyst from Dallas, TX.

Wes, 32, musician from Austin, TX.

So, how excited are you? And how many of these guys are going to make mustard jokes when they walk out of the limo? I’m guessing 29 out of 30.