In case you missed it, ABC has announced the celebrity lineup for its reboot of the ’70s TV extravaganza The Superstars. And one thing is immediately clear from that announcement: The word "superstar" ain’t what it used to be.
Before we get to those names, here’s a quick refresher course for anyone too young to remember the glorious slab of network cheese that ABC drizzled on Americans back in the Carter era. Each week, a strange group of professional athletes would show up at some beach resort in snug nylon shorty shorts and tank tops (this was before Richard Simmons’ heyday, mind you) and compete in an even stranger assortment of sporting competitions: paddling a rubber float the length of an Olympic swimming pool, the 100-yard dash, weightlifting, and, the coup de grace, the obstacle course — a Rube Goldbergy gauntlet that looked as ornate as the Obama girls’ new White House swing set.
The actual events were pretty uneventful. No, what made the show catnip to any kid watching at home was the eclectic group of guests gathered at this televised cocktail party: Lou Ferrigno, Mark Gastineau, O.J. Simpson. It was like the Olympics if the Olympics were run by Larry Flynt. Soon, there was even a celebrity pseudo-spin-off called Battle of the Network Stars, which was hosted by Howard Cosell and always seemed to involve Gabe Kaplan to a weirdly obsessive degree. The premise of that show was to pit the stars of the big three networks’ biggest prime-time shows against each other. An awesome premise, which is almost impossible to imagine today. I mean, can you even picture McSteamy throwing a javelin against Ben Linus from Lost? Their agents would keel over!
Now, ABC has decided to relaunch The Superstars, and when Ifirst heard the idea, I have to admit, I was as giddy as the kid I wasback in the day of the original. The thought of seeing Yao Mingpaddling an inflatable kayak in a swimming pool lane between MannyRamirez and Roger Federer would have been priceless. But today, when ABC unveiled the names of its superstars, I got thesinking feeling that the show wouldn’t be all that I’d hoped for. Itturns out the big marquee attraction is Terrell Owens (pictured, left), the NFL widereceiver who doesn’t bother trying all that hard in real games,never mind the sort of exhibition ones that will be featured on theshow.
Actually, there will be eight professional athletes paired witheight luminaries of more questionable provenance and star wattage. Inaddition to Owens, the pros are hot-headed former baseball player JeffKent, ex-hoopster Robert Horry, crash-and-burn skiier Bode Miller,tennis star Jennifer Capriati, the WNBA’s Lisa Leslie, soccerexhibitionist Brandi Chastain, and freeskier (whatever that is) KristiLeskinen. Depressing, right? It’s like a D-list decathlon.
Well, hold on. Get a load of their non-famous teammates: former MissUSA Ali Landry, swimmer-turned-actress-turned-where-are-they-nowpersona Estella Warren, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition star Paige Hemmis (pictured, right), Baywatch himbo David Charvet, fellow himbo Dan Cortese (really?), sex-you-up crooner Julio Iglesias Jr., and Dancing With the Stars performer Maksim Chmerkovskiy.
Let’s face it, this is a pretty B-list affair. But if you still care, the show debuts on June 23 at 8 p.m. Will you be watching? And what stars would you like to see on the show?
At least I’ve heard of Brandi Chastain, Bode Miller, and Jennifer Capriati. And Maks!! But the show sounds kind of…crappy. Maks needs to get his smug butt back in the ballroom. And I’ve never heard of any of the others listed, except obviously TO. Don’t think I’ll be watching…
Was JOAN RIVERS not available? Oh, they wouldn’t take Melissa as part of the package. I get it.
Maybe this writer could have spent more time on how this show works than dissing it! I STILL have no idea whether these athletes (all of whom *I* have heard of) are competing as individuals or as teams!
Journalism 101 – give us the facts first! If we must know your feelings (not that we care) make them secondary! What a miss. EW, just make him rewrite it. Or have someone who is actually a sports fan write it? Brandi Chastain? You don’t know the girl who — oh nevermind.
Still not as bad as Celebrity Apprentice.
This looks worse than “Get Me Out of Here… I’m a Celebrity”
http://tvdonewright.com/2009/04/22/tv-tonight-wednesday-april-22nd-2009/
When you consider that they brought Knight Rider, 90210, Cupid and other shows back, really, an updated Battle of the Network Stars wouldn’t be that much of a reach.
House v. Greys, CSI v. Law and Order, Dennis Haysbert v. Keifer Sutherland. Put it on before the fall season gets under way, allow some new shows to get some promotion – it would work.
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Maks is on. Of course I will watch.
The word “superstar” lost all relivance to me when Entertainment Tonight in typical hyperbole, refered to Joe Millionare halfwit Evan Marriot as one.
Anyway can’t be bothered to watch – I go for trainwrecks when I sink to reality TV
Not to be super picky, but McSteamy would never be competing against Ben Linus, because “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Lost” are both on ABC. I know I sound like a pain, but it’s pretty basic knowledge for anyone who works at an entertainment mag.
Also, I’m personally looking forward to seeing Jennifer Capri-hottie on my TV again.
Let’s get one fact straight first. The Superstars did not have rubber raft paddling…That was Battle of the Network Stars. The Superstars rowed a boat over 100 yards. The athletes are a pretty accomplished group. Three Olympic champions…Miller is twice World Cup champ, Owens will go to the Hall of Fame & Kent might also. The celebs are absolute nothings, certainly C-list. I wish it were true Superstars…maybe next time. http://www.thesuperstars.org
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