Last night’s long-ass premiere of America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 12: Goddesses and Monsters wasn’t so much agonizing as soooooo very predictable. Miss J. wore a bonnet. Jay Manuel’s entire face had been spray painted on in the wrong shade. Meaty and delicious Spartan gladiators showed up all the way from the fifth century B.C. to flank Tyra on an optical-illusion "bridge." A historic brownstone was gutted, fumigated for any pesty crumbs of authenticity, and upholstered with terrifying billboards of Tyra. It was everything we’ve come to expect from Top Model, and went down like a cold lump of congealed mac-and-cheese after three days in the fridge.
Still. There was that out-of-nowhere enormous spread of food featuring about six turkeys that did catch me totally off-guard. Plus, even brick-like mac and cheese technically qualifies as comfort food! So somehow, inexplicably, all is well. Commenter "peaches" put it best, last night: "Slop Model has been in da crapper for a few years. Tyra is intolerable and the competition is a total sham. And yet I’m watching it again!" Bingo. (Speaking of which, look forward to a photo shoot involving Bingo and other retirement home games in cycle 71, when Tyra takes it upon herself to illuminate America to the prejudice against old ladies. "You’ve got to find the fierceness in those used dentures. Root around in there and get it, gurrrrl! Because that’s what a top model must. do.)
The Hit (Me) Parade of all of cycle 12’s wannabe mascara hawkers involved Top Model’stypical array of forced sob stories. Some were too good to be true,like eliminated mother Angelea, who’d been shacking up in the PortAuthority for a spell. Wonder if she’ll take a bus home? The level ofproducer-induced tales of woe exceeded anything we’ve seen so far inour decades of Top Model experience. You suffer from acuteanxiety? Perfect! Holy s—, a burn victim? MOTHER LODE. Hmmm, there’snothing interesting about you…what’s that, your parents are kind ofrich? Talk about that. Whatever.
I’m sorry that crazy gun enthusiast Monique didn’t get to stickaround. You kinda had to look at the edge of your TV instead ofdirectly at her when she was on-screen (and press mute), but I’m surethere’ll be someone (ahem…obnoxious Sandra) I want to see shot downor at least held at gunpoint in the house pretty soon. Highlights fromthe meet-and-greets included Kathryn’s cringe-inducing food-shaped pingifts (which I totally would have accepted), blood-crazy Allison(pictured, a dead ringer for Princess Thursday) professing jealousy ofTyra’s routine childhood nosebleeds, London’s performance piece"sermon" that God would undoubtedly reject with the force of a thousandheadbands, and Aminat totally giving away the ending of the season byinsisting, "I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t going to win." Could haveused a spoiler alert there, Lisa Leslie, but I’ll forgive you because Idig your height. I also loved Tyra’s approval of Teyona ("Her facelooks like it’s in a wind tunnel, in a good way") and the way her facelit up in delight after Tahlia uttered the words "burn victim." Sogross. So yummy. Mac-and-cheese, y’all.
Tyra’s ingenious idea for the first photo shoot burst forth from animportant issue near and dear to her fierce heart: Complete and uttercreepiness. Specifically, the loss of innocence among young girls,brought to life in an unfortunate pictorial series of grown womenhula-hooping, playing Ring Around the Rosie, and not physicallyinteracting whatsoever with a giant set of jacks. Oh, and there werethree "extras," a.k.a. "real, working models in America" (a rarity onthis show!) in the background of all of the shots, to represent "badgirls." Fo, the self-proclaimed "Blaxican" (next week…"Mexilack"?)labeled these three "ghetto girl, rebel, and a pregnant girl," but I’dlike to rename them Surly, Bored, and Fat. Definitely one of the worstshoots to date; the photos all turned out grainy and horrible. Maybenext time, don’t shoot a few feet down the path from a drainpipe inCentral Park…at night.
Allison/Thursday had the "best" shot. The red-splashed outfit was anice touch, and I won’t be surprised if the producers incorporate"accidental smears of blood" into her wardrobe selections for the restof the season just to get her all [fake] hot and bothered. In fact, Iinsist that they do that. Sandra the African Queen’s hide-and-seek shot(which provided a powerful tie-in to timeslot competitor Lost)and Isabella’s dodgeball disaster landed them in the bottom two. But"mahogany girl" (Tyra’s words) gets to stay, and Epilepsabellareturned home, where the only strobe lights she’ll have to suffer willbe the same ones from her experience on this show, attacking her from all angles in hourly nightmares. At least she won’t have to worry about Londonthe Street Preacher rooting through her prescription meds. (Grounds forelimination!)
Okay, that’s it from me. In the everlasting words of the Goddess ofFierce: "I’m a little hungry and I think I need some grapes fed to meright now…so I’m going to see YOU…later."
Leave your thoughts on the premiere, or impromptu comments-section sermons, below!
Comments (1-27) of 27 Add your comment
i’ve gotten more enjoyment out of reading your review than i did by actually watching “America’s Next ‘Slop’ Model” last nite. as Simon Cowell would say, “it’s so predictable.”
I’m still addicted to ANTM even if it’s not what it used to be. I really miss the panel challenges. I can’t stand Paulina, if they want a b*tchy they should just Janice Dickenson back, at least she was entertaining.
This show is such a train wreck but I can’t turn it off.(What is wrong with me?) During the first 20 minutes I hated everyone they introduced, but I came around. Liking Celia and Aminat. Absolutely hate Sandra and her rudeness. She’s trying to be this year’s Jade or Monique. And that Angelea girl, whose ghetto behavior got in the way of everything, really needs therapy. It’s clear she hasn’t dealt with the loss of her child in a healing way. I hope the producers got her some help.
I like the blonde – the one that’s a ringer for Kyra Sedgwick. Celia, is that right? She’s got a cool look that can swing editorial and whatnot.
Y’know, I’ll accept a PopWatch-format recap as long as Annie B.’s the resident recapper. I assume this my lame dream will not come to fruition, considering your sequins orgy will be premiering next week. But hey, a pathetic loser can dream. Right?
Celia = cutely frightening rat
Alison = frighteningly cute
Aminat = Danielle much?
Kortnie = I wish your head matched.
Nijah = the name’s your most interesting feature
Jessica = How twangily can one say Puerto Rico and Latina?
Sandra = (batting eyes) “I don’t get worked up over this”
Fo = A poo screen? Really?
That’s all, y’all!
ummm, doesn’t Mandi usually do these? she was brilliant.
Tyra needs to return to whatever smoldering remains of a devil dimension from which she arrived. I’d rather hang myself using my cat’s tail than watch another horrible episode.
Lousy re-cap. Ok, the show is fun to make fun of, but I want a recap from someone who REALLY enjoys the show being bad. Nothing about how evil sandra is – or what about long green fingernails who was eliminated and HER horrible story?? Come on! Have some fun with us! Stop being such a snob. And write a better recap next time.
I am still love watching ANTM. So far I like the burn victim. She is brave to even show her scars. She will be broken down though. Sandra this season’s Jade. They need her for drama or she would have been gone last night(everyone knows you walk to the end of the runway and not to the middle). Her photo was lame. I also agree they need to bring back the panel challenges. How many of the girls on this season know 5 working models and 3 designers???
Oh, I do have one more essential item to bring to everyone’s attention:
How was it simply commonplace for Mr. Jay to be believeably wearing a motion-capture suit for his regular bike around Central Park? I thought it was gonna be shoot involved. Nope, just Mr. Jay, bulgin’ up a storm.
Dont agree with the elimination… Sandra is the Tatiana Del Toro of ANTM…should have been eliminated. The sweet virginia girl that was given the boot did have a not so great picture but had more potential than a lot of the girls, would of been a good spokeswomen (which we know most ANTMs graduates end up becoming) and AT LEAST can walk all the way down a runway.
Technically, Alison isn’t a hemophiliac. That’s used to refer to someone who has hemophilia. She’s a… hemophiliamaniac. Hemophiliaiac?
I can’t believe they let Kortnie on this show! She’s a fame seeker. She was after racecar driver Jeff Gordon first then got her hooks into Junior. Lucky he figured it out pretty quickly. Plus she’s too old to be just starting out!
the best part about last night’s premiere? this recap!
oh Annie I loved this post, please keep them coming. I guess this is the next best thing to a full TV Watch. This is my guilty pleasure. Tyra is fabulously insane!!!!
Get rid of Sandra pronto!!! She’s playing a role, not doing a good job.
Rooting for Jessica!!!
This is an addicting show. I watch the first episode out of habit and then watch the rest because I have to know who goes home. I really do hope they get rid of Sandra. She is god-awful.
*sigh* I will, of course, watch again next week. Oh crappy TV, you get the best of me.
Two corrections to your recap: (1) I believe Kathryn had food shaped PENS, not pins. (2) Alison is not a hemophiliac (a.k.a. a bleeder). She was jealous that she never had a nosebleed in her life. She is a hematomaniac.
I’m with ReRe. The recapper tried to sound like she understands why we all watch this train wreck of a show, but then sounded like she didn’t enjoy one single second of it. Come on, take a page from Tyra and give in to the crazy! Oh, and please, Gerard Butler’s abs were all that and then some, but they still shouldn’t be allowed to wipe the whole of Roman civilization off our consciousness. Sparta was something very different. And Lemur Girl is a hemophile, not a hemophiliac.
I’m still waiting on the continuation of America’s Next Top Doll myself.
Best quote of the night from Allison when she was defending her eyes “No, I’m not pearing into your soul”
Annie – LOVE the recap. Thank. you.
I can’t believe Sandra stayed on, considering she had a terrible runway walk and a bad photo shoot. Then again, this is Top Model, and if they like you, you can be terrible for weeks if you have a good look.
http://tinyurl.com/ct8t6e (play by play)
Yes I’ve seen “cycle 71″ and think that really makes conscience on what the reality of some senior people… But bingo its a game that I enjoy a lot!
People, this ain’t all that much different than the earlier seasons. With ANTM you knopw precisely what you’re gonna get. So, u either love it and watch it or just don’t. I’ve been watching it for 12 cycles now(wow!) and i have a feeling that i’ll be watching several more. Welcome back Tyra! You are a complete koo-koo and i love you for it!
No recap for last night’s ep? =-(
hi its a diamond watches site visit and post your comments on my site
http://www.diamondwatches10.blogspot.com/
hi friends
its your new friend with diamond watches site kindly visit it daily
http://www.diamondwatches10.blogspot.com/