I am an absurdly big Melrose Place fan. I have seen every episode in the neighborhood of 10 times each. It’s a show close enough to my heart that it’s practically involved in my circulatory system, so I’m pretty emotionally invested in the remake. But I have some concerns.
1. Gasp-inducing, OMG scenes don’t, can’t, and shouldn’t exist anymore
Melrose Place arrived with the episode "The Bitch is Back." If you don’t remember having your mind explode when Kimberly ripped that wig off, well, maybe you were busy on April 27, 1994. I have watched tens of thousands of hours of television since then, but that will always be one of my biggest eyeball-popping moments of viewing. And there were a lot of those on Melrose, from the building blowing up, to Bruce hanging himself in Amanda’s office, to Richard’s hand coming out of the dirt, to zombie Brooke in the pool — and I don’t think those kinds of jaw-droppers really exist anymore on TV. That’s not a bad thing, considering how, you know, stupid and self-defeating it can become. Lost (which, of course, is radically superior in terms of objective quality) sometimes surprises me, but that’s sort of the show’s M.O. Gossip Girl‘s increasingly feeble attempts to create such duhn-duhn-duuuuuuhn moments have made the show less and less fun — I’m still waiting for someone to give a fart about Lily and Rufus’ love child. These almost campy, and sometimes straight-up campy, stories just seem stupid now. Spoilers are in, stunners are out: Like the Y-drop necklace it popularized, MP‘s calling card just isn’t in style anymore.
2. And minus those histrionics, Melrose is a little boring
Lots of low-level, amateur fans probably think of Melrose as a homogeneous unit of soapy ridiculousness. False! Early Melrose is extremely, almost comically earnest. It came out around the same time as The Real World, and there was an intense early-’90s vibe of social responsibility. Matt is a social worker! Stalker Keith is an environmentalist! Jo photographs homeless people! The characters go bungee jumping — as evidence of how cool and x-treme their lives are. On a Very Special Episode, Jo and Jake get tested for HIV. Hey, you guys, ectopic pregnancies are really dangerous. It wasn’t until most of the way through the second season that things got fantastically crazypants, which is the Melrose most people remember; the heyday. But then seasons 6 and 7 went back to being pretty blah, thanks to weird new characters no one cared about. (Cooper? Eve?)
3. They already remade Melrose Place, and it’s called The Hills, and I am kind of tired of it, and so is everyone else
Let’s see, we’ll spin off this high-school show and make something about twentysomethings. Say, a naive, relatively wholesome girl who tries to make her way in Los Angeles but finds herself repeatedly foiled by a two-faced bleach-blond vixen. She dates a string of doofuses; her brunette friend is the "edgy" one. Everyone seems to have a lot of money and be getting promoted all the time, except no one appears to do much work. There’s an aggressively present, on-trend pop soundtrack, lots of glamorous establishing shots of L.A. hotspots, and the acting is sometimes really, really bad. People break up and make up with abandon, and tenuously connected new characters appear, oh, all the time.
So, PopWatchers: Reason for concern, or is this just too close to my heart and I’m being paranoid? What other things should we be worried about? What can the producers do to avoid these and any other pitfalls?
Oh Margaret…. I agree with everything you said- And I still can’t wait for the remake or movie or whatever the heck they’re going to give us. I remember when 90210 had Kelly working at the hospice clinic. HIV was sooo the edgiest thing out there. Not that it wasn’t serious. I don’t mean that. But we were very into our social awareness beginnings back in the day.
I’m sorry to say, but no one else cares about any of this.
Okay Maragaret, first of all we should totally hang out, because I too LOVE MP with a fiery passion. Second, I’m frightened that you’ve even seen every season 1 episode 10 times, because it is more boring than an endless Oscars telecast. Third, I think completely ridiculous soaps with over-the-top twists and shocking OMFG moments NEED to return! I’m tired of everything being grounded in reality. I want split personalities, temporary amnesia, temporary blindness, temporary stroke-induced paralysis, people returning from the dead, etc. You can’t get that on The Hills last time I checked.
Ah, the wig scene and that gigantic scar – it still gives me chills almost 15 years later. I was sitting alone in my darkened aparatment watching that show, and Marcia Cross scared the holy hell out of me when she pulled off the wig. What was so great was that the moment was so unexpected – these days I’m sure Fox would be announcing “stick around for the killer ending” and ruin the surprise.
How retarded to take the time to say no one else cares about this.
“MP’s calling card just isn’t in style anymore.” >> well maybe it should come BACK in style. i’m tired of the spoiler-obsessed tv culture. why don’t people want to just watch the show and be shocked?
and comparing Melrose Place to The Hills, which is a reality show?! that’s just…disappointing.
To padraig:
I don’t watch MP, but that’s exactly the problem. It’s not just the spoiler hungry internet users that deludes genuine surprises, but bombastic promos. A lot of TV deaths would have been much more unexpected, had I stepped in without having any knowledge of the event happening.
However, I don’t get the complaint about ‘shocker’ TV. 24 and BSG (along with Lost and Heroes season 1) separates itself from derivative action junk by delivering ‘holy crap!’ moments few procedurals can even muster. With so much reality TV, that’s needed more than ever.
How retarded to take the time to say it’s retarded.
just don’t get why people think it’s so cool to use the word retarded. ugh.
well in like four consecutive episodes of the o.c. someone gets raped, flipped over in an SUV, almost-murdered-but-died-anyway, sent to rehab, and shot into a coma… it worked well for that fairly recent show
the reason it doesn’t work for GG is that the characters aren’t likable, relatable, grounded, or entertaining unlike those of the o.c., who had crazy stuff happening all the time, but stayed organic and down-to-earth
OH MY GOD! YOU JUST MADE ME REMEMBER A TURNING POINT IN MY LIFE, YES, when she ripped of the wig and was bald under it, OMG i totally forgot about that until you reminded me now, I can’t wait to watch it!
yes, the wig. yes, the scar. but what y’all failed to mention is Michael kissing the scar. That was pure television gold.
You are so right.
The original 90210 inspired Melrose and the OC which inspired Laguna Beach which inspired the Hills and the remake of 90210 and now…it’s all just an incestuous mess, and somewhere along the lines the point went missing.
As someone in my 20′s though. I would LOVE a SCRIPTED take on our lives. I won’t dumb myself down for The Hills, but maybe I’ll drop a notch for at least the first few eps of MP v. 2.