'Sports Illustrated' Swimsuit Issue: Still not about the swimsuits

Sportsillustrated_lBar Refaeli, better known as Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend, graces the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (out now). My thoughts as I flipped through the pages:

• Does Bar’s bikini top on the cover technically fit her? Or does it not fit her, in a purposely tantalizing way? I just want to make sure I have it straight when I never buy a bikini.

• Danica Patrick, p. 6, is like Gabrielle Reece — always trotted out to remind us that female athletes can be sexy. Did she walk in those silver stilettos, or did they slip them on her once she took her position lying on top of a car?

• Though I am not a fan of the name Anne V (seriously?), I do think she does one of the best "Oops, I’ve lost my top" poses on page 13. I prefer playful to sultry.

• Clue No. 1 that an SI swimsuit model’s life is different from mine: Hilary Rhoda, p. 33, is asked if real guys have a chance with her. She responds, "Of course! I especially like real guys." Wouldn’t it be nice to have to clarify that?

• Clue No. 2 that an SI swimsuit model’s life is different from mine: Kim Clouter, p. 42’s ode to Cheryl Tiegs, is asked for her "no goes" when dating. After mentioning the universal burping and farting ban, she says, "…I also wouldn’t want a guy to say that he wanted to marry me on our first date." It would never occur to me that I would have that problem.

• Should anyone be wondering whether Bar would’ve gotten the cover had she not been DiCaprio’s girlfriend, look at p. 52. And p. 68.

• Seriously, these bikini tops that are just wide enough to cover the nipples have got to be stopped. The one Brooklyn Decker, Andy Roddick’s fiancée, is wearing on p. 57 also looks too small to me. (Go ahead. Look closer. I’ve given you a legitimate reason to examine that page!) Also, FYI, turns out Brooklyn fancies herself a bit of an actress, too: She will appear on an episode of Chuck March 2.

• I love the "I went to the market and bought my flowers and fresh produce while wearing a bikini and heels" shot on p. 81.

• If I were into women, I’d be all about Daniella Sarahyba, spreads on pages 82 and 88. I like her smile.

• I find this year’s bodypainting, pages 112 to 119, underwhelming.

• At first, I thought Jessica Gomes was a little too Top Model in her poses (see: "the hunch" on p. 126, the arm on the head on p. 128), but the spread on p. 130 is top notch. Definitely the best water shot, in my opinion. She’s laying on her back, bottom raised, on stones in the shallows off the island Tenerife. Totally different than anything else in the issue.

• Okay, Melissa Haro is working a similar pose on p. 140, but she’s just in a bed. Boring.

• Ohmygod, a one piece! Page 148.

• And another one! Page 152. They really are a let down after all that earlier skin, I must admit.

• On the eve of the NBA All-Star weekend, members of the NBA’s dance squads model swimsuits inspired by their team colors. Cheers for the bikini tops covering the full breast; boos to the swimsuits looking so cheap (even the $1,050 one).

• I really need to start watching tennis again, because I have no idea who these "three smashing tennis stars"/models are: Maria Kirilenko, Daniela Hantuchova, and Tatiana Golovin.

• I wonder how many people have walked by my office and seen me staring at this issue?

Your turn!

Comments (47 total) Add your comment
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  • T-Rex

    I’ll second you on the underwhelming-ness of the body painting. How hard can it be to think of interesting ways to paint a model?

  • jen

    i fully think that the swimsuit issue is just an excuse for Sport Illustrated to be like Maxim for a month, but this article was HILARIOUS. and here’s a hint about the bikini top question: if there’s boob coming out of the SIDE, it’s NOT the correct size.

  • Anonymous

    Ha, loved clue number two. I’ve never had that problem either.

  • PeterBilt The Nature Boy

    I will be buying this as I do every year for some reason. I havent seen it yet, but Uncle PeterBilt LOVES the cover. Sweet. Fancy. Moses.

  • KR

    Why does Leo DiCaprio refuse to date a woman who doesn’t have super model attached to her name? And then can’t even fully commit to her and continue to be on and off with her. What kind of ridiculous standards does this man have? He seems like a totally conscientious person politically/environmentally but a total pig jerk when it comes to dating. Sorry to be off topic, it just makes me mad.

  • Ceballos

    Was it EVER about the swimsuits? (No, and it never will be…and we’re all ok with that, right?)

  • Elizabeth

    NBA’s dance squads – doesn’t every team do a dance team calendar? God knows the Cavs do and we have to see the photo shoot all throughout the season.
    Everyone over Danica Patrick, raise your hand…

  • Winona

    Finally I’ve found someone else that goes through the SI swimsuit issue the same way I do – except I often throw in a few “They want $300 for THAT?!?! Who the heck are they kidding?!?!?!” And three cheers for some token one-pieces! Side note: I do love the body painting – it’s very artistic and neat – and what better way to make trompe l’oeil sexy?

  • orville

    So glad I’m a librarian and I can flip through our copy at my leisure. As a chick, never particularly interested in it, but I’ll have to look at it with new eyes because of this hilarious column. We have 2 subscriptions–one to put out and get stolen (despite security tagging) and one to keep for binding (which will get torn out of the bound copy within a month). We’ve always had to keep the spare away from the boss though. If he gets his hands on it, we’ll never see the spare again either. His office is like a black hole–things go in there to disappear forever.

  • anonymous

    Love the category tag “apropos of nothing”! And now I have to print out this post and trek down to my library to compare, ha.

  • anne

    those three tennis starts, aren’t really stars at all. they’re decent, maybe in the category of up and coming but mostly fawned upon b/c of their looks a la anna kournikova.

  • Christina

    The rankings on the tennis players are 36, 39, and 782 so there blink and you might miss them players. Ana Ivanovic must have been busy because she is the tennis glamor girl who actually wins tournaments

  • I Like Real Women

    Danica – ugh. I really can’t imagine who finds her attractive. I’ve got one word of advice for her long, stringy mop of hair: LAYERING.

  • Patty

    I am glad to report my 11 year old son wants nothing to do with this yet. I handed it to him and he was embarrassed: growing up, but not too fast. His comment was – Am I still getting my regular issue or is it wasted this week with bathing suits?

  • Valerie

    Mandi, you rock ! I had the same reaction… Tops too small or supposed to be that way ? Let’s just say you can’t swim very well in those !

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