Okay, folks, let’s just cut to the chase here and get to the main event in last night’s Hills episode: the nuptials of two of the most loathed "celebrities" in America. It should be a given that I was going to vote these shenanigans as the Down Hill Moment of the evening, but just in case you weren’t clear on my opinion of Speidi after all these months (or is it years? God knows it feels like a lifetime to me) writing about them, then there you have it.
So we began our journey down the aisle with Spencer taking Heidi on a totally planned because there was a camera crew involved surprise trip to Mexico. "I have a feeling, my dear, this will be the most memorable vacation of your life," he said when they arrived. Focus on that word "memorable" for a second and then fast forward to the couple’s candlelit beach dinner later on. Actually, I probably shouldn’t even call it a dinner — it was more like a liquid picnic. Heidi was on a tequila high (or at least faking one) when Spencer said, "What if we were to just go get married and don’t tell anybody, and then it’s just us?" She couldn’t actually answer him in clear English or Spanish, so he said it again, "For real, let’s just go get married." Her response this time? Something about being loco (we’re so happy you can finally see what we see, Heidi) and then, "For real, Jose." With that, this pair topped their first fake proposal — you know, last fall, on the beach, with token mall-bought ring — tenfold. I mean, how much more romantic can it get than your girlfriend calling you Jose in between downing shots of Patron? Oh right, you can also admit how creepily obsessed you are with her. "I pretty much keep you from the whole world," Spencer said. Um, is that supposed to make a girl swoon? Because it sounds like something I heard the serial killer say in Silence of the Lambs.
Heidi vowed to show Spencer "what a wife does," (yeah, I’m not even going to go there,people. I’d imagine most of you are eating breakfast while readingthis, and I would hate for your food to come back up, if you know whatI mean), and then the next time we saw Speidi was in the morning intheir hotel room. The title under Spencer’s name had already changed to"Heidi’s Husband" (I would’ve loved to see the look on the face of theMTV editor who had to type those words in) and the two exchanged Mr.Pratt and Mrs. Pratt salutations. Spencer confessed that it was hisevil plan all along to travel to Mexico to brainwash Heidi getmarried. Then the two shared an intimate moment together watching thefootage for their top secret wedding. "I just can’t believe it!" Heidisquealed. I can’t either, because now I have so many unansweredquestions about this godforsaken union. Like: Why did it look lightoutside when they got married? If we’re supposed to believe that theydid it the same night they got sloshed, then how in the world would thesun be out unless the ceremony took place at 5 a.m. Also, where exactlydid Heidi get that white (reportedly Balenciaga) dress at the lastminute? And why the heck didn’t Spencer shave that animal off of hisface for the special occasion? Furthermore, how did Us Weekly just happen to have a photographer there to document the "wedding photos"? Finally, are these really the rings they plan to wear until they inevitably get divorced the rest of their lives?
In between the scenes of Heidi and Spencer covertly eloping came our Up Hill Moment (14:00)of the evening, in which Mr. and Mrs. Port threw Whitney a going awayparty. Yes, Whitney landed the big city job with Diane Von Furstenberg(duh), so it was time for her to part ways with the West Coast. Ienjoyed the cameo by Whit’s ‘rents because they were so sweet and downto earth. When Whitney’s mom started crying, I was taken back to thetime when I left for New York City over four years ago. Not to get allcheesy here, but I remember how hard it was for my mom to say goodbye(and vice versa) and how I, too, had so many silly questions about cityliving (okay, so Whitney’s wonderment about how you get groceries homedid seem a little, well, asinine but still). I survived the move to astrange place, and we all know Whitney will, too. The question is: WillLauren? She got awfully emotional (real tears, no?) when she said byeto her long-time work pal.
So Pop Watchers, tell me below, were you moved at all by Whitney’smom’s or Lauren’s tears? What about by Speidi’s Mexican wedding? Do youbelieve that it was spontaneous? Do you think Heidi’s mom has a rightto express her concern (as we saw in the previews for next week’sseason finale) about it? Finally did you, too, laugh out loud at JustinBobby’s solution to locating the missing Spencer and Heidi: "You shouldput up some signs"?
More on ‘The Hills’:
Charlize Theron has never heard of ‘The Hills’
Tom Cruise and ‘The Hills’: A match made in [you fill in the blank]
EW’s cover story on season 4 of ‘The Hills’
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Quote of the Day: Knit Goods Edition
My question is now that Spencer has accomplished his goal (marrying Heidi “in the face of adversity”), what’s next for Capt. Fleshy Beard? Getting her pregnant?
GAG, GAG, GAG! I would need about five thousand tequillas to even look at Spencer. She only needed three? How disgusting!
That was JB’s funniest line ever, though I would not be surprised if no one even missed Heidi and Spencer and all those scenes about “Where are H and S” were filmed after the fact.
anyone notice the cut back to Whitney’s goodbye when Audrina talked about Speidi being gone? You never actually see her mouth move, and they had to have found a canned Lauren/Whitney “reaction face” to the news. So kudos to the editors for finding a way to make those two storylines connect-even if thru TV magic.
Yeah, was that really necessary in the middle of Whitney’s going away party for Audrina to let Lauren and Lo know that Spencer and Heidi were missing? Like they even care? It was SO random. And Spencer is gross…the things he was saying to Heidi are exactly what an abusiver husband/spouse say!
OMG, there is so much to comment on this episode. First, I like Whit’s parents. They are cute and yes I thought it was really random for Audrina to mention the missing Pratts (yuck). JB’s comment was hilarious!!! That’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened on this show.
I totally think that Spencer and Heidi had this planned all along. At first I thought they eloped, but I seriously think they new what they were doing because the camera crew and what not, yea, that’s too much. Spencer is still a jerk and now she’s stuck with him. Although she could ge it annulled seeing as how she was drunk…hmmm…
“I pretty much keep you from the whole world,” Spencer
Heidi — seriously, you are SMARTER than this — you probably should not be w/ this “obsessed” man/child with a really disgusting beard!
Seriously, white heels with a bikini?!?!?! I was waiting for the music to start…bowchickabowwow…
Does this mean there’ll be little Speidis crawling around? Ewwwwwww. Get the Raid. Quick.
The US Weekly photos are indeed very puzzling for a “reality” show. They are definitely during the day and Heidi has a professionally arranged bouquet. Plus, you can’t just waltz into a church in the middle of the night, drunk, and get a priest to marry you. It was 100% staged. Or at least staged after the fact for US. Yuck.
Whitney has been in NYC for at least a few months. If her parents threw her a party it would have been months ago, but they were commenting on Speidi’s “disappearence” when they were there. Another sign that the Hills is completely fake since the wedding took place only two weeks ago. And yes, the JB comment was the hilight of the episode!
anon, she’s just doing “what a wife does”
someone stab me in the eyes!
Let’s see – your boyfriend doesn’t get along with your sister, your mother, your best friend – they all have reservations about him if not outright dislike him. He has a hissy anytime ANYONE dares intrude on your private time – which to him, is 24/7. He doesn’t like you working. When you go home to ‘think’, he follows you there. When you go out of town for work, he follows you there. His whole goal seems to be to possess and isolate you so that you have NO interaction with anyone – for fear that someone might finally knock some sense into you and you see what a scuzzy insecure stalker he really is – and you marry him. Wow. I guess the need for fame and publicity does overpower common sense. That whole night proposal to a drunken Heidi just defined what a loser, fearful, little boy Spencer is – let’s isolate Heidi once again, get her drunk, get her married and continue making sure no one but him has any influence over her.
And if this is all an act – which is entirely possible on both of their parts – why set yourself up (as spencer) to look like a manipulative, scheming, insecure crazy, jobless stalker – and (as Heidi) to seem like a ditzy, clueless lush victim willing to push everyone away for her psycho boyfriend? Why paint yourselves as THOSE people? The Hills won’t last forever and you’ll both be branded as media-craving loser (too late?). Or maybe Heidi is smarter than we give her credit for – she has set it up so that Spencer will take most of the heat wehn the show is over and they split up and he comes off as unhinged and she was his innocent, confused victim.
And if this is all an act – which is entirely possible on both of their parts – why set yourself up (as spencer) to look like a manipulative, scheming, insecure crazy, jobless stalker – and (as Heidi) to seem like a ditzy, clueless lush victim willing to push everyone away for her psycho boyfriend? Why paint yourselves as THOSE people? The Hills won’t last forever and you’ll both be branded as media-craving loser (too late?). Or maybe Heidi is smarter than we give her credit for – she has set it up so that Spencer will take most of the heat wehn the show is over and they split up and he comes off as unhinged and she was his innocent, confused victim.