'Twilight': A hater's guide

Twilightno_lLet’s assume you’re an adult male who has somehow avoided reading EW’s 1,783 recent Twilight cover stories. You may be thinking, "Hey, this thing made a ton of money; maybe I should see it." You shouldn’t. Twilight has no more to offer you than a sale at Sephora (FYI: Apparently, that’s a lipstick emporium of some sort). Oh, sure, the premise of this horror movie sounds enticing: A hot teenage girl (Kristen Stewart) moves to a new school in the rugged Pacific Northwest, where she discovers that the man of her dreams (Robert Pattinson) is actually…a vampire! It’s Near Dark-meets-Deliverance, right? Incorrectamundo! This adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling novel (for girls!) is actually the lamest episode of 90210 ever made combining forces with the second-lamest episode of 90210 ever made.

In fact — and this is the crucial point — Twilight is not a horror movie at all, just an excuse to feature the two leads making cow eyes at each other. Pattinson and his band of fellow goth-nerds only feast on the blood of, uh, cute animals, which might irk the folks at PETA, but does not a terrifying movie make. This interminable kissyfest is as frightening as an average edition of The View (FYI: Apparently, that’s a daytime chat show of some sort). Yes, if you take a ladyfriend, she will repeatedly clutch your knee — which, after all, is the principal raison d’être of the horror genre. However, she will do this not from fear but to alert you to some aspect of Pattinson’s total dreaminess. That’s no way to spend an evening when there is beer to be drunk, sports teams to be supported, or, indeed, paint to watch dry.

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  • J-PO

    STFU! I loved it.

    • Scrubbie

      HHAHAAH you need to include that Stewart & Pattinson were not (REPEAT) NOT informed that this was a comedy..

  • Penelope

    I’m a huge fan of Twilight and i loved the movie but this article is soooooooo true. LOL!

  • Catherine

    I get that this is a chick flick…but let’s not put every girl and women you know!!!
    I’ll admit that I love Sephora (even better if it’s sale time!), but would never ever feel for a cheesy movie like this (did not like the Notebook either) eventhough I can appreciate a good romance (and so could you if you were not so full of your masculine self!).
    That’s all I had to say.

  • lucy

    I watched without having read the books and thought it was quite well done. It’s definitely a teen movie, but it has a great sensibility. I thought it had a great sense of humor, as well as angst.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you so kindly for this. I’ve not read Twilight so I’m still pretty clueless as to what the big deal is. I’m just glad the blasted movie is finally out so you can move onto something else at EW.
    Maybe you could do popwatch posts about retro Christmas specials? That would be fun and nostalgic for all!

    • jessica

      “Move onto something else”…hehehe.

      • abby

        your so right twilight sucks i hate it its a stupid love story have you ever heard of the vampire diaries now theres something to wach with damon,elena,stefen,and katherine its on every thursday cannle 5 at 8 oclock

      • abby

        on the vampire diaries there bad as heak there evil some are good but damon is a blood skin tearing machine it should have comedy scaryromance a scary scenes that will make you love this show like blood dripping and skin teary thriller but no its all just blahh!!! exept for the vampire diaries wach it a chanle 5 ant 8 oclock at thursdays remember stay blood thirst frome your fave im sighning off abby!!!

  • big giant head

    OMG, I totally hated Twilight too! What’s up with casting all these dreamy leads? I think vampires should be UGLY MONSTERS OF DOOM because this sends a bad message to the youth of America. Now neck-biting incidents will increase thousandfold. MARK MY WORDS.
    –read my fun blog at

    http://www.associatedworld.blogspot.com

  • Alex

    Mr. Collis, you are officially my hero. I agree with everything you said….and I’m a girl!!

  • Em

    Hey, I’m a 23-year-old woman, and I’m EXTREMELY anti-Twilight despite the fact that most of my friends and my own mother have read all of Meyer’s inexplicably popular fan fiction and seen the movie. I’m glad to finally find an anti-Twilight article, but I wish you hadn’t assumed that only guys have somehow avoided being sucked into the hellhole that is the Twilight universe. Yes, hellhole…I hate it that much.

    • Max

      I’m a 15 year old girl who DOESN’T like twilight. I’m kinda offended that you think only guys dislike twilight. And I’m sure there are some guys who DO like twilight too. Way to be sexist…

  • anthony

    i happen to be a 22 year old, dallas cowboys, atlanta braves, miami hurricanes loving sports fan. i also enjoy belching, farting, and laying around scratching my testes. i enjoy shouting at the tv to my favorite sports teams. Drinking budweiser, and eating unhealthy hamburgers. And when not doing these things i enjoy hanky panky with my female companion
    most importantly i’ve seen twilight twice, and loved it both times. so guys go see it… it’s good, clark collis… get over urself

    • Chris

      liar.

    • Wow

      Troll
      Your actually le gasp! A WOMAN
      cause only a woman whould write such sterotpyical things ;)

      • abby

        twilight EWW

  • nykolus

    i heart you clark!!! you da man!!!

  • Sabster

    It’s so nice to have an anti-Twilight article to balance out the excessive number of “OMG TWILIGHT” cries I’ve heard in the past few months… especially from this magazine.

  • LVD

    I can not wait for this “Twilight” fever (bad fanfic that got lucky) to go away. And heads up, EW, one more cover about this ridiculous movie, fandom and “author” and I will cancel my 10 year subscription to your new “Tiger Beat”.

  • Adam

    You know what would be even better than this rant? A cessation of all article on this movie. I mean, does the author have incriminating photos of Entertainment Weekly’s editor? Enough is enough already. I’m almost ready to cancel my subscription and I’ve been a subscriber since 1991!

  • Matt

    Wow. EW is so obsessed with this movie that they can’t even NOT write about it. Even the staff that hates it has to comment on it. Yeesh.

  • chud bandangler

    Dear EW,
    I subscribed to you for years and only recently let my sub lapse without renewing. As an adult male, I feel that EW and it’s editors would rather pander to teenage girls, lonely, bitter middle aged women who LOVE to shop, and gay dudes. (not that there’s anything wrong with that) Because of all the unnecessary and ubiquitous Jonas Brothers-Hannah Montana-Twilight-Sex and the City-type coverage rather than anything that I would have any interest in whatsoever. For instance, one popwatch or TV Watch blurb about It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia while it’s season was still on would have been a nice start… I’m just sayin’. But that seems to be too much to ask.
    Oh well. Sorry EW, I just don’t relate to you anymore.

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