Let’s assume you’re an adult male who has somehow avoided reading EW’s 1,783 recent Twilight cover stories. You may be thinking, "Hey, this thing made a ton of money; maybe I should see it." You shouldn’t. Twilight has no more to offer you than a sale at Sephora (FYI: Apparently, that’s a lipstick emporium of some sort). Oh, sure, the premise of this horror movie sounds enticing: A hot teenage girl (Kristen Stewart) moves to a new school in the rugged Pacific Northwest, where she discovers that the man of her dreams (Robert Pattinson) is actually…a vampire! It’s Near Dark-meets-Deliverance, right? Incorrectamundo! This adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling novel (for girls!) is actually the lamest episode of 90210 ever made combining forces with the second-lamest episode of 90210 ever made.
In fact — and this is the crucial point — Twilight is not a horror movie at all, just an excuse to feature the two leads making cow eyes at each other. Pattinson and his band of fellow goth-nerds only feast on the blood of, uh, cute animals, which might irk the folks at PETA, but does not a terrifying movie make. This interminable kissyfest is as frightening as an average edition of The View (FYI: Apparently, that’s a daytime chat show of some sort). Yes, if you take a ladyfriend, she will repeatedly clutch your knee — which, after all, is the principal raison d’être of the horror genre. However, she will do this not from fear but to alert you to some aspect of Pattinson’s total dreaminess. That’s no way to spend an evening when there is beer to be drunk, sports teams to be supported, or, indeed, paint to watch dry.
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STFU! I loved it.
I’m a huge fan of Twilight and i loved the movie but this article is soooooooo true. LOL!
I get that this is a chick flick…but let’s not put every girl and women you know!!!
I’ll admit that I love Sephora (even better if it’s sale time!), but would never ever feel for a cheesy movie like this (did not like the Notebook either) eventhough I can appreciate a good romance (and so could you if you were not so full of your masculine self!).
That’s all I had to say.
I watched without having read the books and thought it was quite well done. It’s definitely a teen movie, but it has a great sensibility. I thought it had a great sense of humor, as well as angst.
Thank you so kindly for this. I’ve not read Twilight so I’m still pretty clueless as to what the big deal is. I’m just glad the blasted movie is finally out so you can move onto something else at EW.
Maybe you could do popwatch posts about retro Christmas specials? That would be fun and nostalgic for all!
OMG, I totally hated Twilight too! What’s up with casting all these dreamy leads? I think vampires should be UGLY MONSTERS OF DOOM because this sends a bad message to the youth of America. Now neck-biting incidents will increase thousandfold. MARK MY WORDS.
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Mr. Collis, you are officially my hero. I agree with everything you said….and I’m a girl!!
Hey, I’m a 23-year-old woman, and I’m EXTREMELY anti-Twilight despite the fact that most of my friends and my own mother have read all of Meyer’s inexplicably popular fan fiction and seen the movie. I’m glad to finally find an anti-Twilight article, but I wish you hadn’t assumed that only guys have somehow avoided being sucked into the hellhole that is the Twilight universe. Yes, hellhole…I hate it that much.
i happen to be a 22 year old, dallas cowboys, atlanta braves, miami hurricanes loving sports fan. i also enjoy belching, farting, and laying around scratching my testes. i enjoy shouting at the tv to my favorite sports teams. Drinking budweiser, and eating unhealthy hamburgers. And when not doing these things i enjoy hanky panky with my female companion
most importantly i’ve seen twilight twice, and loved it both times. so guys go see it… it’s good, clark collis… get over urself
liar.
i heart you clark!!! you da man!!!
It’s so nice to have an anti-Twilight article to balance out the excessive number of “OMG TWILIGHT” cries I’ve heard in the past few months… especially from this magazine.
I can not wait for this “Twilight” fever (bad fanfic that got lucky) to go away. And heads up, EW, one more cover about this ridiculous movie, fandom and “author” and I will cancel my 10 year subscription to your new “Tiger Beat”.
You know what would be even better than this rant? A cessation of all article on this movie. I mean, does the author have incriminating photos of Entertainment Weekly’s editor? Enough is enough already. I’m almost ready to cancel my subscription and I’ve been a subscriber since 1991!
Wow. EW is so obsessed with this movie that they can’t even NOT write about it. Even the staff that hates it has to comment on it. Yeesh.
Dear EW,
I subscribed to you for years and only recently let my sub lapse without renewing. As an adult male, I feel that EW and it’s editors would rather pander to teenage girls, lonely, bitter middle aged women who LOVE to shop, and gay dudes. (not that there’s anything wrong with that) Because of all the unnecessary and ubiquitous Jonas Brothers-Hannah Montana-Twilight-Sex and the City-type coverage rather than anything that I would have any interest in whatsoever. For instance, one popwatch or TV Watch blurb about It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia while it’s season was still on would have been a nice start… I’m just sayin’. But that seems to be too much to ask.
Oh well. Sorry EW, I just don’t relate to you anymore.
Does anyone else realize that EW is consistantly putting Twilight related topics on their covers because Tween girls have the most disposable income?
The economy sucks, 18 – 34 year olds are cutting back and not buying EW every week.
Ugh. I actually like Twilight and can’t handle EW’s love affair with it.
Start writing about something else, PLEASE!
GOSH! is there anything else in life other than twilight.EW should charge a hefty amount from the studio for the amazing promotional campaign.
Oh, I don’t know, Clark…I find ‘The View’ pretty terrifying.
Oh, I don’t know, Clark…I find ‘The View’ pretty terrifying.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for posting this! not everyone is obsessed with twilight. i am so sick of EW covering it so much and everyone obsessing over it. i’ll admit that the books are okay (yes, i’ve read them), but the movie and the actors in it aren’t great at all.
Anthony…..I love you.
Oh you poor sorry lonely man! LOL No one ever said this was great literature, or a great movie (at least no one over 14). But just take it as it is. Let the girls swoon — no harm done. Compared to most of the other teen fare out there, which basically makes all the girls look like prostitots and the boys pretty mindless and shallow, Twilight ain’t that bad. And its clearly reached a demographic all the major studios ignored. So tell me, if you’re a dad, would you rather have Hannah Montana or Bella Swan as your daughter?
Given those options, I would’ve had it “taken care of “.
It’s not only men that hate Twilight. Many of us ladies can’t stand that crap either. So, with this in mind, how about EW stop with all the articles about this inexplicably popular movie/book and write about something worthwhile?
ok so Clark is it
well guess what u suck
it seems like you have no kind of romanticism in your life so thats why u have no better thing to do than to put down this move
i myself have seen it 2 times and i love it
so before u go hate on somehting
u should go see it
Was this a poem or something? Lyrics to a song you are working on?
oh, stfu tasha. stop obsessing over twilight, its not that great. give us haters some time to express our opinions about stupid twilight. you’ve had enough time.
I am a big Twilight fan, but I agree it has become over-exposed recently, and this article does nothing to help that! Please find something new to write about right now, save it for the next three movies.
and i have seen twilight, tasha. and i hated it a lot.
Yes, can we please stop assuming that simply by being a woman we must embrace Twilight. Hated the book. Couldn’t even get through the first one.
I’m still waiting for someone to explain exactly why these books are so popular. Are the characters really that great? Bella doesn’t do anything. She can’t even buckle up her own seat belt!
I despair that Bella (whose life is only complete if she has a man to take care of her) has become a role model for so many young women. Where are the independent, strong, intelligent female characters? What century are we living in?
So Darn Funny, I could have guessed a man wrote the piece. Figures! Dude, it is a chick flick, I think we should get over it.
If someone doesn’t get these books, as a woman, she has no soul. The first book was so good, I couldn’t put it down, I’m almost done with the second, and next week the move, Clark!Want to go with, I’ll explain it to you!