Joaquin Phoenix wants to be a singer? We've got the perfect lead single for him!

Joaquinphoenix_lSo by now, you’ve probably read the news that two-time Oscar nominee Joaquin Phoenix (Gladiator, Walk the Line) told Extra that he plans to quit the acting game and focus solely on his music career. But what you may not know is that sources residing solely in my head confirm to me exclusively that Phoenix’s first single will be an updated version of the Shocking Blue/Bananarama hit "Venus." Check out the lyrics below (we’ve embedded Banarama’s cover after the jump if you want to sing along) and then let us know what you think of Phoenix’s career change.

Oscar nod for Walk the Line
Just like Jamie Foxx in Ray
That dude duets with Kanye West
But I’ve got a silent ‘J’

I’m singing!
Yeah, baby, not acting!
I’m your Phoenix, double threat
That’s what you get
I’m your Phoenix, double threat
Career roulette

That Simpson chick she acts and sings
Jessica’s her name I think
She isn’t very good at either
In fact she kind of stinks
Wah!

I’m singing!
Yeah, baby, not acting!
I’m your Phoenix, double threat
Je regrette
I’m your Phoenix, double threat
Gonna make you sweat

You might call my plan insane
But I’m writing tracks with Timbaland
And it beats another "shocking ending"
From M. Night Shyamalan

I’m singing!
Yeah, baby, not acting!
I’m your Phoenix, double threat
My hair’s brunette
I’m your Phoenix, double threat
Well, not quite yet

addCredit(“Stephen Shugerman/Getty Images”)

Comments (17 total) Add your comment
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  • BklynGirl

    Are we being punked? Joaquin is one of my favorite actors, and I can’t imagine a singing career being worthy of throwing his acting career away. Can’t he just have a band on the side like so many other actors (Russell Crowe, Kevin Costner, Kevin Bacon, Juliette Lewis, etc)? He sings okay, but to retire from acting sounds kind of insane. Please let this be a very early April Fools’ joke.

  • jolacla

    What the hell????!!!! This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

  • B Ro

    I’ve got 2 words for Joaquin–Leonard Nemoy.
    (or Steven Seagal, Scarlett Johansen, Russell Crowe, the list is endless, sadly).
    Stick with what you know, you are a great actor. Besides, who else gets to “retire” at age 34? Puhleeze.

  • Anonymous

    Yes, he’s a brilliant actor, but he’s one of those method actors, and he has discussed in the past how much each role takes a tole on him. I’d rather him do something he’s happy with than become another burned-out, depressed, recovering whatever actor (which he came close to doing after Walk the Line.)

  • dawn

    I love Joaquin, he’s one of my faves. And this little ditty you wrote had me cracking up. If he stops doing movies, I will really miss him. But I’m not holding my breath.

  • Anonymous

    I can’t take any actor seriously when they cross-over to singing. It is just too damned cheesy (I’m talking about you, Kevin Spacey and Minnie Driver). Anyways, hilarious song, Slezak!

  • fosho

    Slezak, Je t’aime!

  • Helen

    I don’t care what any of you say. Joaquin Phoenix can do no wrong and I would follow him into the pits of hell — the pits of Hell!

  • Michelle

    Did you all HEAR Joaquin sing in Walk the Line? He’s actually an awesome singer. I’m really excited about this. If singing makes him happy, then I say go for it. Of course if he ever wants to return to acting, I’ll watch him.

  • Meredith

    I’d say it’s worth it for him to quit acting, just so I could read this song. At every new rhyme for “threat,” I literally snorted with laughter. Good times.

  • Raven_Moon

    What a shame. Why can’t he do both? Why can’t Jessica Simpson retire instead?

  • Pinky

    This is a shame. Joaquin is one of my favorite actors. I would hate for him to “retire” without having an Oscar to his name. I know he has the singing chops but I wish he wouldn’t leave acting to sing. Now who will I obsess over?

  • Rhonda

    Timbaland doesn’t rhyme with Shyamalan, Slezak.

  • Anonymous

    Joaquin, don’t worry about what they say. You don’t have to please anyone but yourself. I love ya.

  • Anonymous

    Dear Joaquin,
    If you wanted to sing …just for the heck of it, to sell a record or not, not to get anyone’s approval, if you just wanted to sing just because you felt like it, who cares about the critic’s comments. To all Joaquin’s naysayers: Who made you in charge, anyways? What if Joaquin felt like he wanted to do all of this for the hell of it? What if he has you in his hands, and he predicted you would do exactly this? I saw Joaquin on the video and noticed that he didn’t back down. Everyone can be your friend when you’re famous and great. But what about when it really counts? What I love about Joaquin is that he is not typical. Joaquin, even if your singing needed a little work, who cares, next time will be better, at least you tried. Lots of people never stand up and try, so that in itself is a success. Best wishes. -Denise

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