It’s that time of year again. Like a greedy bastard at an all-you-can-eat buffet, I’ve spent the last six weeks loading up my DVR with more fall TV than I could ever possibly consume. Yesterday, things reached a breaking point when I attempted to set a recording for Animal Planet’s Living With the Wolfman (more on that later) and my DVR swayed its shoulders, put a hand up in my face, and hissed, "Slezak, please! Either you delete some of this junk, or I’m doing it for you!" And because I never, ever want my DVR to be angry with me, I promptly scanned my series-recording list, then grabbed my pad and pen and fired off a couple of "Dear John" letters…
Dear Fringe,
On paper, we were a match made in TV heaven. Your creators were responsible for Alias, Lost, and Felicity…and I love Alias, Lost, and Felicity. You had a cool, X-Files-esque premise, and really nifty title cards. Your supposed-to-be-a-breakout star (Anna Torv) had shiny, pretty hair. But then her acting turned out to be a little leaden. And John Noble’s sing-songy, hyper-quirky delivery started working my last nerve. By the time we got to that episode where Joshua Jackson was strapped to a table with brain-monitor-sensors shoved up his nose, and I realized I didn’t actually care what happened to him, I knew our affair had all the staying power of What About Brian. If you’re game for it, though, I’m open to the idea of occasional hookups. Any show with a sinister Blair Brown can’t be all bad.
Ambivalently,
Slezak
Dear True Blood,
It’s not you, it’s the writing.
Slezak
PS: Please kill off Ryan Kwanten’s character; his abs deserve a better show.
More on ‘Fringe,’ ‘True Blood’:
‘Fringe’: Loving the title cards (if not the characters)
HBO’s ‘True Blood’: What did you think?
‘True Blood’: What was that weird vampire music on Bill’s radio?
‘Fringe’ vs. ‘Terminator’: Who has the hotter sci-fi office?
I think I’m breaking up with Heroes. I just can’t take it anymore – too many characters, too many different stories with no emotional depth. I’ve stopped caring about these characters that I used to love. Last season killed the show for me; the wonder twins, the New Orleans contingent, that weirdo Irish girl that Peter took up with and then left adrift somewhere in time and Hiro in Japan just crushed the whole thing.
I’m still waiting for Fringe to get better. . .
Dear Heroes,
I don’t get you anymore. You used to make sense. Now you’re just all over the place. I used to think you were fun and mysterious, now I think you’re silly and confusing.
- Anna
ps. you should kill off at least half of those characters. Seriously.
Grey’s Anatomy. I didn’t even watch last week.
Dear “Heroes”:
We tried to make it work after last season crash and burned during the writer’s strike. But we’ll never get back the old magic. Now I can’t keep up with your bloated cast of characters and laughable plot twists. Remember back when Sylar was a cool villain and Hiro had more than one facial expression? Aw…those were good times.
I broke up with Private Practice. I realized I didn’t care enough last season to continue this season. After the season premiere sat on my DVR, unwatched, for almost a week… I knew it was time.
I’ve already broken up with “True Blood.” Slow and boring.
Next will probably be “Pushing Daisies.” I’ve watched since the first show, loved the premise, but again, nothing’s happening.
“Heroes” Hiro is close to making me drop that one, but I keep hoping it’ll suddenly turn around.
I wish I could drop the playoffs and World Series so I could get “Bones” back!
I love Kate Walsh but her show is painful to watch, sorry Kate I’m not watching.
And I stopped How I met Your Mother. It’s at the same time as Gossip Girl and I love Blair too much.
I’m giving up on House. I tried to get into it but it’s the same formula every episode and I miss Cameron and Chase. It just isn’t clicking any more even though it used to be “must watch” every week.
I love Kate Walsh but her show is painful to watch, sorry Kate I’m not watching.
And I stopped How I met Your Mother. It’s at the same time as Gossip Girl and I love Blair too much.
I’ve broken up with Private Practice and Grey’s Anatomy. Shonda used to head good tv shows, now…not so much…I just can’t care anymore.
Dear “Heroes”,
I know we’ve been together a long time. We’ve had ups and downs, good times and bad times, and I’ve stuck by your side through it all. You promised it would be different this time. You swore that you had changed. Now I see the truth, “Heroes”–you’ll never change. You never planned to. And you know what? I’m over it. I’m over you. Get yourself clean, break your addiction to repetitive plots and dead-end sidestories–and maybe I’ll see you around. No promises. It’s been a fun ride, “Heroes”.
Affectionately,
Cara
I’m about to break up with “Heroes”. I have no idea what is going on with that show anymore…. the plot lines are all messed up and there are TOO MANY CHARACTERS! I guess Tim Kring really didn’t listen to what people were complaining about last season.
I love “True Blood”, it’s the only new show that I’m watching.
I kicked “Heroes” to the curb, it’s embarassingly bad.
Gave “Fringe” three strikes, and I still want those 3 hours of my life back.
90210-
I watched the two-hour premiere and an episode after that then decided it wasn’t worth my time once I finally saw through all the 90′s nostalgia and realizedI was watching a mediocre teen show.
I’m not a person that abandons shows easily. I’m actually pretty damn stubborn about it. That’s why I decided to cut the chord on 90210 before I got in any deeper (and it’s also why I’m still hanging in there with “Heroes”).
Dear Ugly Betty,
I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t Hate Me.
Robyn