It’s that time of year again. Like a greedy bastard at an all-you-can-eat buffet, I’ve spent the last six weeks loading up my DVR with more fall TV than I could ever possibly consume. Yesterday, things reached a breaking point when I attempted to set a recording for Animal Planet’s Living With the Wolfman (more on that later) and my DVR swayed its shoulders, put a hand up in my face, and hissed, "Slezak, please! Either you delete some of this junk, or I’m doing it for you!" And because I never, ever want my DVR to be angry with me, I promptly scanned my series-recording list, then grabbed my pad and pen and fired off a couple of "Dear John" letters…
Dear Fringe,
On paper, we were a match made in TV heaven. Your creators were responsible for Alias, Lost, and Felicity…and I love Alias, Lost, and Felicity. You had a cool, X-Files-esque premise, and really nifty title cards. Your supposed-to-be-a-breakout star (Anna Torv) had shiny, pretty hair. But then her acting turned out to be a little leaden. And John Noble’s sing-songy, hyper-quirky delivery started working my last nerve. By the time we got to that episode where Joshua Jackson was strapped to a table with brain-monitor-sensors shoved up his nose, and I realized I didn’t actually care what happened to him, I knew our affair had all the staying power of What About Brian. If you’re game for it, though, I’m open to the idea of occasional hookups. Any show with a sinister Blair Brown can’t be all bad.
Ambivalently,
Slezak
Dear True Blood,
It’s not you, it’s the writing.
Slezak
PS: Please kill off Ryan Kwanten’s character; his abs deserve a better show.
More on ‘Fringe,’ ‘True Blood’:
‘Fringe’: Loving the title cards (if not the characters)
HBO’s ‘True Blood’: What did you think?
‘True Blood’: What was that weird vampire music on Bill’s radio?
‘Fringe’ vs. ‘Terminator’: Who has the hotter sci-fi office?
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I think I’m breaking up with Heroes. I just can’t take it anymore – too many characters, too many different stories with no emotional depth. I’ve stopped caring about these characters that I used to love. Last season killed the show for me; the wonder twins, the New Orleans contingent, that weirdo Irish girl that Peter took up with and then left adrift somewhere in time and Hiro in Japan just crushed the whole thing.
I’m still waiting for Fringe to get better. . .
Dear Heroes,
I don’t get you anymore. You used to make sense. Now you’re just all over the place. I used to think you were fun and mysterious, now I think you’re silly and confusing.
- Anna
ps. you should kill off at least half of those characters. Seriously.
Grey’s Anatomy. I didn’t even watch last week.
Dear “Heroes”:
We tried to make it work after last season crash and burned during the writer’s strike. But we’ll never get back the old magic. Now I can’t keep up with your bloated cast of characters and laughable plot twists. Remember back when Sylar was a cool villain and Hiro had more than one facial expression? Aw…those were good times.
I broke up with Private Practice. I realized I didn’t care enough last season to continue this season. After the season premiere sat on my DVR, unwatched, for almost a week… I knew it was time.
I’ve already broken up with “True Blood.” Slow and boring.
Next will probably be “Pushing Daisies.” I’ve watched since the first show, loved the premise, but again, nothing’s happening.
“Heroes” Hiro is close to making me drop that one, but I keep hoping it’ll suddenly turn around.
I wish I could drop the playoffs and World Series so I could get “Bones” back!
I love Kate Walsh but her show is painful to watch, sorry Kate I’m not watching.
And I stopped How I met Your Mother. It’s at the same time as Gossip Girl and I love Blair too much.
I’m giving up on House. I tried to get into it but it’s the same formula every episode and I miss Cameron and Chase. It just isn’t clicking any more even though it used to be “must watch” every week.
I love Kate Walsh but her show is painful to watch, sorry Kate I’m not watching.
And I stopped How I met Your Mother. It’s at the same time as Gossip Girl and I love Blair too much.
I’ve broken up with Private Practice and Grey’s Anatomy. Shonda used to head good tv shows, now…not so much…I just can’t care anymore.
Dear “Heroes”,
I know we’ve been together a long time. We’ve had ups and downs, good times and bad times, and I’ve stuck by your side through it all. You promised it would be different this time. You swore that you had changed. Now I see the truth, “Heroes”–you’ll never change. You never planned to. And you know what? I’m over it. I’m over you. Get yourself clean, break your addiction to repetitive plots and dead-end sidestories–and maybe I’ll see you around. No promises. It’s been a fun ride, “Heroes”.
Affectionately,
Cara
I’m about to break up with “Heroes”. I have no idea what is going on with that show anymore…. the plot lines are all messed up and there are TOO MANY CHARACTERS! I guess Tim Kring really didn’t listen to what people were complaining about last season.
I love “True Blood”, it’s the only new show that I’m watching.
I kicked “Heroes” to the curb, it’s embarassingly bad.
Gave “Fringe” three strikes, and I still want those 3 hours of my life back.
90210-
I watched the two-hour premiere and an episode after that then decided it wasn’t worth my time once I finally saw through all the 90’s nostalgia and realizedI was watching a mediocre teen show.
I’m not a person that abandons shows easily. I’m actually pretty damn stubborn about it. That’s why I decided to cut the chord on 90210 before I got in any deeper (and it’s also why I’m still hanging in there with “Heroes”).
Dear Ugly Betty,
I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t Hate Me.
Robyn
I’ve broken up with Fringe, too, and I’ve never committed to True Blood (I had planned to watch it, but never did. Heroes and I are estranged (I’m two weeks behind). I never give up on shows that I’ve watched for at least a season, which shows just how far Heroes has fallen in quality. The only other show I’ve ever given up on after watching it at least one full season was Boston Public. I also dumped the CW’s Valentine after week 1 (despite my intense love for Autumn Reeser, one of it’s stars). I think that will be the end of my break-ups, at least for this season.
Dear Heroes-
Look, we need to talk. Our relationship is just not working. In the beginning it was all new and wonderful and now…well, it just seems like all the effort is on my side. I’m taking the time to see you each week but it seems like you’re just calling it in. We’re stuck in a rut. Every week all I hear is “Baby, c’mon… so-and-so saw the creepy post-apocalyptic future and now we have to save the world!” I need variety! Plot development! Characters with more depth than Parkman’s turtle! So let’s just say I’m putting you on notice. Either step up to the plate and start acting like a real show that wants to be in a committed relationship with its fans or go back to your mother’s basement and reread those comic books you’re so enamored with. Maybe then you’ll find some inspiration and put the spice back into our lives.
Love,
joopiter
PS. Killing off Adam? While Mohinder still draws breath? Not cool, man. Not cool at all.
Dear True Blood, accept it for what it was – a one night stand… and Heroes, what have you done for me lately?
oh, and smallville… I can’t do this anymore, you’ve changed.
Rgds,
Shawn
Also, I forgot that I dumped Dirty Sexy Money after they dumped Samaire Armstrong. She was the only reason I watched it to begin with, and now they bumped her to recurring. So, I decided that Dirty Sexy Money had changed to much for me, so I bumped it off of my DVR.
Dear Heroes,
You’re on notice. It’s important that we discuss your abundance of characters. I think it’s time you off a few (and that cheap Adam Monroe stunt doesn’t count). I have a solution. Get rid of all the characters who’s names begin with M. Mohinder, Maya, Meredith, Matt, Molly, Monica, Micah. Look at that. Cleaning house already. Once you’ve addressed this problem, we’ll reassess your situation.
Sincerely,
Vicky
Like many of my fellow TV Watchers, I’ve had to pull the plug on Heroes as well as Prison Break. On the bright side I’ve already filled the void and picked up two marvelous shows in The Unit and Life.
Heroes is getting the boot. I wanted to give it another shot this year, but after the 3rd episode I realized I really could not care less about any of the characters anymore. It’s too tedious to watch.
Also, Sarah Connor because I have no time for it. I’ve never watched the Terminator movies so it makes no difference to me anyway.
And I’m on the fence about Easy Money.
Grey’s anatomy and I hate to say but pushing daisies is next. I really liked that show too…..
I’m still in a relationship with Heroe’s, but it’s nearing the end. Not sure how to break up with them…
Dear Heroes,
I couldn’t make it thru the first episode of the season. Thank God it’s just a few months before Lost is back.
goodbye dirty sexy money, hello lipstick jungle!
It pains me, but I am giving up on The Lehrer News Hour, Meet the Press, Masterpice Theater…and Hole in the Wall. All four are now completely unrealistic depictions of life in America.
I think I’ve pretty much dumped Dirty Sexy Money, although that really probably happened during the strike. I tried to rekindle this season, but I think we’re going to have to settle for friends with occasional benefits.
Dear True Blood, Fringe, & Worst Week,
I hardly knew ye, I put you in my tivo but alas there was no time for you so I don’t know if we would have worked out or not.
Dear 90210,
I thought we were going to be so good together, but I’m just not sure it’s going to work out.
Dear Ex-List,
You surprised me, i didn’t expect that we would work out. I didn’t really love you as Karev’s crazy lova but oh how i love you in this silly show! Please don’t leave me.
Regards