'CSI Miami' season premiere: Realism not included!

CsiopenerLast night’s seventh season premiere of CSI: Miami reminded me of when I was eight years old, playing with my Fisher-Price figures, and making up little stories that would typically end with everyone getting trampled by a dinosaur or some such nonsense. The story arcs playing out on my bedroom floor made sense to no one but me, and any sense of logic and/or continuity was subject to my whim, and that was okay. I was eight. My tricked-out Fisher-Price barn door was not mooing for 16 million people.

The problem with David Caruso’s sun-drenched CSI spinoff, of course, is that actually is viewed by such a massive audience, and therefore should not play out as if it were written by a committee of third-graders shouting: "And then Horatio could get shot!" "But then it turns out he’s not dead!" "Yeah, because he staged the shooting so the gang members out to kill him would let down their guard!" "And Horatio needs to stop them because they’ve just gotten shipments of ‘fused alloy’ bullets!" "And his ex-wife’s husband could be dealing the bullets!" "And in the end the boat could blow up with a huge explosion!" "But then they can’t find the body!" "So Horatio takes off his shades!"

Seriously, I know CSI: Miami is supposed to be pure escapism, but I remember a time (back in the early seasons) when its plots made sense, and didn’t leave me howling with laughter. (The night’s funniest sight gag: Adam Rodriguez and Emily Procter trying to trace a gangster’s phone number using a hologram-esque computer program that looked like it came off the set of Minority Report.)

Not that it matters, but here are a few of my burning questions from last night’s ep:Why, after accidentally allowing violent felon/gang leader (José Zúñiga) to escape, did Eric take a quick meeting with Horatio in a parking garage, then interview an unrelated suspect, before returning to the scene and using a trail of blood to try to track down said baddie? (Like, wouldn’t you rather the escaped con only had a five-minute head start instead of a five-hour one?) Why, if Horatio wanted to create the illusion that he was dead (even among his co-workers) did he show up at the police station and chat with Eric after he’d interrogated a suspect? And on a similar note, why did Horatio think that taking all his meetings in an open stretch of swampland left him immune to detection? Finally, where can I buy that hellaciously stylin’ red-and-white patterned shirt Rodriguez wore throughout the entire episode? (Seriously, I want to know!)

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  • Snarf

    I stopped watching after season 4.
    The charecters are so unlikeable, the plots so contrived, and Caruso’s “acting” so Shatnerish that I……”I, just couldn’t take any more Frank.” Snarf dramatically takes off sunglasses and stares off into distance.

  • jcarla

    And people are complaining about ‘Heroes’ last night. Me thinks that a story about people with powers made more sense than CSI:Miami.

  • Jimmy

    This show became pathetic a long time ago. All this scifi-esque gadetry is just laughably stupid — even for this show. And you could drive an 18-wheeler through the wholes in the plot. Moreover, what is up with Eric? Does he have man-crush on Horatio, or what? No one can deny this show is a success — it’s one of the highest rated shows on television — but that begs the question, “Why?” I tuned in tonight to see how the whole “death” worked out, but I may be done with this show.

  • Mells

    I stopped watching a few season back as well – just couldn’t take Caruso’s acting range that includes sunglasses on / sunglasses off. It’s truly SO annoying! Also, Burn Notice is actually filmed in Miami and the town looks a lot better there.

  • kristie

    yeah, last night’s ep was a bit ridiculus. I mean, come on, the boat EXPLODED and Caruso was not knocked on his arse???!! Please! Is CSI Miami the “fantasy” CSI of the bunch? I don’t watch New York, but it doesn’t seem as laughable as this one. This show has definitely gone downhill. At least we have reruns of the good seasons on A&E

  • BP

    It’s too bad I cant swear or that you cant hear me shouting. I FING HATE THIS SHOW YET I CANT STOP WATCHING IT. Seriously, why is it so bad? CSI isnt bad, is it? Is it because i love Nick and Warrick too much to notice how bad it is? Why do these characters need so much instruction from their supervisors? Every piece of evidence they collect, someone is there to tell them what to do with it. WE ARENT STUPID, PRODUCERS! Ok, /rant.

  • bjtexas

    I was seriously disappointed in the premier of CSI Miami. The story line was so weak…I expected so much more than what was delivered. I seriously hope that there will a lot of improvement in the coming episodes.

  • CB

    Yeah, last nights show was pretty laughable. My question is what’s up with the wardrobe people? Every episode recently has a color theme to it..last nights was purple. I don’t get it.

  • Melly C

    i quite liked it though..the storyline was blank but rather upbeat i was surpised Ryan was in all the planning Caines “Death” but what caught me off gaurd was the end they lose the body and Haratio walked away saying “yep just me and you” im a HUGE Fan of CSI Mainly the Orginal. The LV One has better Cliffhanger Episodes but other than that i hope the Premier of CSI NY is gonna be good Tommorrow night!

  • samantha

    It’s too bad people want realism in a fictional tv series, but will settle for nothing even remotely close to realism in shows that are promoted as “reality” shows. Go figure?

  • shannon

    Michael, I’m concerned that you were still playing with your Fisher Price farm at age 8, most kids done with that at 5 or younger!

  • Bob

    There is better acting in the third grade than last night. When is Caruso going to learn to act instead of look away and scowl. If it wasn’t for the good looking women I would never even bother. Some season permier!!

  • annie

    One of the most ridiculous things about this show is they have no concept of time. The most glaring hole in last nights episode is a case in point. Horatio was supposed to meet the ex at the airport at 5pm when, of course, he staged his own “death”. Are the days longer in Miami than they are everywhere else? How could so many far fetched things happen and it still be the same day?

  • MaeMae

    OMG that was horrible! I don’t even think I can name all of the laughable things in this episode, but I’ll try to name a few: Could Ryan have been any more smug as he was “working” H’s murder scene? If everyone was supposed to think H was dead, why did Callie and Eric stop investigating when they found out H was still alive? The rest of the episode I barely cared about enough to pay attention!

  • t3hdow

    Thanks for the laugh, Slezak. I didn’t think the show could be any cheesier since viewing the Caruso one liners on youtube, but that plot synopsis seems to take the crown just fine. Eeesh…
    I also echo jcarla’s remark. For all the criticisms I have with Heroes’s plot improbabilities, at least it’s allowed some liberties from dead reality, since it’s sci-fi. This…not so much.
    CSI: Miami is proof that being ultra accessible and being a crime drama on CBS means you don’t need to make coherent plots. 15+ million people will still tune in.

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