9:00 p.m.: Live from my couch, it’s America’s Got Talent! We’ve finally made it to Sin City, where the slot machines chime in a glorious symphony to welcome our contestants for a two-hour special. And I’m staying glued to my set — no matter how bad things get — to make sure that what happens in Vegas ends up on the Internet. Like Shequida (embedded below, and discussed a little later in this column.)
9:06 Host Jerry Springer says this is the toughest test of the contestants’ lives, and the biggest prize in entertainment history. Leave it to AGT to reach ridiculous new heights (or lows?) of hyperbole and faux-suspense — with slo-mo shots, heartbeat sound effects, and even a smoke machine running as the judges take their seats.
9:09 The judges sit in a luxury suite and decide to cut half of the performers before the semifinals even begin. I’m sure it was a difficult process. One in which Sharon cried over every cut, and The Hoff continuously lobbied on behalf of girls in short skirts.
9:12 The contestants are divided into four groups, two of which will be eliminated. Cue thirty seconds of loud, pounding music as the Hoff clenches his jaw and looks defiantly into the sky before telling the first group they’re staying. Group B is out, and we bid farewell to such memorable acts as those girls with feathers in their hair, and that group with the satin shirts.
9:14 Group D gets to stay as well. Which means we’ll be seeing more of the Ozzy impersonator. Yay?
9:17 Who doesn’t dream of lying on a bed of nails andhave flaming cinderblocks balanced on their chests?
9:22 Dan Meyer attempts to swallow curved sword. My stomach hits the buzzer.
9:23 Meyer proves that the sword can cut a cucumber. Yes, the sword is real, and oh my god, it’s on fire.
9:28 The impersonators take the stage, and Tina, Britney and Ozzyare all here. They’re also all very shiny. This is Vegas, baby!
9:30 Why is the Britney impersonator doing a version of the pop tart’sfamously terrible VMA performance? I mean he’s better than Brit was,but still, this does not bode well.
9:39 Onto a big group of magicians and their tricks. I’msorry, not tricks, illusions. The first performer, David Martin, messesup and tries to play it off as part of the act. Even if he pulled it off, it doesn’t make amends for all the purple snakes that diedto make his trenchcoat.
9:47 Let us not speak of the children’s variety acts!
9:49 Jerry has been surprisingly absent from thisepisode, only showing up to hug the contestants and tell them thatthey’re great people. He hasn’t really been missed by this viewer.
9:55 "There’s just so many of them," says Sharon, alarmed at the number of contestants. Why yes, did you not notice you held six weeks of auditions?
9:59 The cuts are all happening so quickly, I can barely keep track of who’s going home, and who still has a chance at the biggest prize in entertainment history.
10:00 America’s Got Talent makes children cry.
10:04 Music acts are up. My ears begin to revolt. The rest of my body joins the protest when I look at the clock and realize there’s almost a whole hour remaining!
10:09 Shequida blends leopard print and neon green in one dress,and sings both male and female parts of an opera piece. Impressive or alarming? Yes!
10:17 It’s time for the younger music performers, and I foreseethis turning into a bad episode of “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” Or another sob-fest. Either way, I’m nervous. Especially when the first twogirls to sing are flat.
10:20 I’m suffering from an overdose of cuteness as 4-year-old Kaitlyn Maher (performance embedded below) kisses 10-year-old David Militello onthe cheek. All I need are a few lolcats to put me into completediabetic shock.
10:29 My patience is waning. According to Jerry,Daniel Jens faces one of the biggest challenges of his life.Because apparently, a tour in Iraq doesn’t compare to a Piers Morgan critique.
10:32 Jens forgets the words to his song, andthe show gets interesting again. He apologizes to the judges, but it’sthe first unpredictable moment in about an hour. I get my second wind.
10:40 We move onto the female singers, and for some reason every reaction shot is of the Hoff. Hmmm…
10:45 Holly Hardin straddles the line between country singing and melodic mumbling.
10:47 I can’t be snarky about Queen Emily. I just love her too much. So much that I will excuse her aggressive use of sequins.
10:55 As much as I love the little kids, the fact that Maher andMilitello are kept at the expense of far more talented (but older) kids makes me wonder if the show should change its title toAmerica’s Cutest Talent. Hey NBC, your producers are showing!
10:58 David Jens makes it through after forgetting the lyrics. A fitting way to end the night, I feel. I’m countingthe hours until Thursday, when the final forty (I think, there was noway to keep track of how many acts were actually there) are put to whatI’m sure will be the most difficult test of their lives.
What did you think of last night’s show? Any acts that stood out, good or bad? And can you believe this show won’t actually wrap till October?
Comments (1-30) of 207 Add your comment
I was stunned when the 15-year-old singer/pianist was cut in favor of David Militello. I mean, David is cute, and his story is tremendous, but this girl has some serious talent, and the potential to make a good living along the lines of Norah Jones and Alicia Keyes.
Bad call, judges.
I was surprised at that too, gina. She was good, while the kids were merely adorable.
Jaya, I don’t recall anyone saying they were going to cut half the acts, just that they were going to cut some. When the third group stayed, I figured the fourth would as well.
What irritated me the most was the constant “I’m so terribly sorry to tell you that… you’ll be staying to the next round.” They were practically rending their clothing while delivering good news. Yeah, producers? That’s not suspenseful, just stupid.
I was extremely disappointed when the female blues singer was cut, like somehow the show couldn’t have two mature African American women with big voices. Love Queen Emily, but both deserved to go through — especially when you consider how many similar male singers made the cut. I also was disappointed the little contortionist didn’t make it. I have to think the network/producers had a lot to say about who got through, even though they pretend it’s the judges. And yes, thank you for mentioning the ridiculous pronouncements about “biggest challenge of their lives,” etc. Given all the sob stories they’ve highlighted, we know that’s not true!
I’m totally baffled by how some people are eliminated because the judges don’t think they could sustain an act for an hour and a half, while others who clearly couldn’t either are kept. In mean, Kaitlyn’s cute, but is she 90 minutes worth of cute? Obviously not.
Man, this show last night was sooooo annoying. I wound up turning it off and going to bed..every thing was repeated before and after commercial breaks..not enough of the performances and way too much back story. This show is even more bloated than the Idol resuls show! Can’t believe they sent home the chinese contortionist girl-when the judges were discussing you see Sharon saying somthing about them being so young, then kept the two youngest singers. bogus!
Bad Judge,Bad Judge….What were they thinking? Oh yeah, they weren’t. They didn’t even show the Sinatra Singer, but they sure did show the kids and the opera “singers”. This looked more like the gong show instead of a serious talent show. Last night was awful and the producers should win by being contortionists by having their heads up their…well you know where they are. Kat Williams excused, BAD CHOICE, Producers…change your programming and let’s get back to the talent phase and please take us out and away from the “cutest darned ole’ talent you’ve ever seen” The hardest thing about last night, remaining calm at the stupid acts that were allowed to remain. Please review the judges decisions….PLEASE
I’m sure that, contractually, the show was well within its right to cut 19 contestants without even giving them chance to perform. But as a viewer, I felt completely ripped off. Why send folks to Vegas and then not let them perform? I mean, they let Sparky Crotch girl compete? That is a 90-minute act? The show’s producers and directors seem determined to showcase the gaudiest faux emotion they can. Geez.
I wouldn’t pay to see the real Brittany Spears, why then would I want to see a so-so impersonator, let alone 2 of them in one sitting; yippee!!! I can hardly wait to see who actually goes to the finals. Let’s see how the ratings are after last night. Thanks judges for a horrible evening of smellevision.Do we , as Americans really have to put up with another crappy episode, I hope they get it right Thursday night. Maybe the cameras could just stay focused on the empty seats, it was more fun to watch.
The youngest kids are cute, but their talent lies in the eyes of their parents and relatives. Nobody else should be subjected to it, and other worthy contestants were booted in order to keep the “cuties”. The guy with the sword is nothing I wanted to watch at ALL, let alone imagining him coming up with an hour-long performance. Ditto the sparking crotch woman, and the female impersonators. Some of the acts look like something you’d see in a PTA fund-raising performance, not on national television. I was happy they kept the singing soldier, but many of the other choices were impossible to understand. I agree with the stupidity of the fake suspense and wish they would stop rerunning the footage that was shown before the commercial break. The producers must think people can’t remember something that happened two minutes ago, even if it was WORTH remembering, which most of it isn’t. I like this show, but I think there are some improvements needed.
They didn’t show the Jeff Dunham ventriloquist imitator but I thought he was good. Was he in group B? I didn’t get to see the audition performance by the contortionist but from what I saw last night she borrowed some of her moves from Cirque du Soleil’s 1985 Cirque Re-Invente sequence. Her final twist is what took her to a new level. They are in Vegas, so is Cirque du Soleil. Mom should submit a tape and daughter should have a job within weeks if not days.
I really think they should have a lower age limit of 14 or so, the ones younger than that don’t have a clue what’s going on and aren’t ready to take the rejection. I’m absolutely sure they only kept the two little kid singers so they wouldn’t be known as the mean people that made a 4 year old cry on tv. Oh, and no matter how cute she might be, no 4 year old can sing…heck, she can’t even talk very well.
I was surprised that they kept the younsters and the singing soldier. I would have cut all three. The kids because they are too young and don’t understand what “fame” all entails. And the soldier becuase, come on, he forgot the lyrics!! And this was ONE song! How would he handle 90 minutes of singng?
And seriously, enough with the back stories! That doesn’t have anything to do with talent, that’s character. One has nothing to do with the other.
This show is so annoying… they waste so much time when they could be showing us the actual “talents.” We already know half the sob stories of these people so we don’t need to see it every time! I can’t believe that 4 year old made it when that girl that was beside her (in the red dress) didn’t. I honestly don’t think I can watch this show anymore… its a freaking joke. The damn four year couldn’t have a show on the strip because she would have to be in bed by 8:00… She is cute, don’t get me wrong, but this is outrageous!
the 4year old and the 9 year old are cute kids but who goes to vegas to wathc liitle kids. the whole family must be delusional.the impersantors don’t have to go non this tlent show becuase vegas is full of performers. they could have just went straight to a vegas act and audition. i don’t know if a 72 year old man should have an act. how long can it last another 5 years if he’s lucky.
i am also confused about why they cut half of the people. why send them to vegas? who pays for everhtying? can someone get their money back?
15-year-old singer/pianist was a standout. I can not remember her name, but can remember her performance, she was great. Cut the 2-kids and bring the 15 year old back.
Please help me with her name.
The only child singer that should even have been move on was the girl in the red at the piano. The little kids were at least cute which far makes up for the torture the other kids put everyone thru. Just plain bad.
Oh, and someone’s math is off. 19 out of a little over 100 is not cutting half of the acts.
The fakeouts really got me (NOT-fakeout). Please get rid of them. This show is awful. And the Hoff is the most delusional person this side of Randy Jackson. Only could stand 1/2 the show. Why was the little contortionist cut and the girl who kicks her dad in the groin kept. Yeah, I could watch dad take one to the pecans for an hour. Yay, SYTYCD tonite!
Bring the 15 year old girl back and nix the 4 year old. Honestly, can you see a 4 year old in a Las Vegas show? No. Sharon is right, she’s too young.
The opera diva was so amazing! He sounds better as a Soprano.
Bruce the magician? Is that the same guy who had the talking bunny last year?
America’s Got Talent used to be my guilty pleasure. I could balance between wondering why some thought they had talent and others whose talent was worth exposing. Now, it is not about the acts. It is about Hoff, Piers, Sharon and the “agonizing” they do to reach decisions. Who cares? Let me see the acts!!! Some of the acts have made it past this Vegas nonsense and we still haven’t them perform. If I want a lot of ridiculous backstory when I would rather just see the performances, I can watch the upcoming Olympics.
Hoff was getting really excited watching the sword swallower. Especially when he did the curved sword. It reminded Hoff of the “sword” he regularly swallows, which also curves to the left.
Oh the drama. When they said this was the toughest fight of their lives. I thought that was the severed vocal cords. Or limiting fatty to only 50 cheeseburgers.
I really liked that little chinese thing. Where can I git me one? I would use it as an end table for my beer and remote control. I could use the big teeth as a can opener.
Horrible show last night,judges need to be replaced, Pierce is the only one with sence, not letting all those stupit acts pass, why paying for all those people to go to las Vegas only to tell them the very next morning to get out, what a waste of money, Too many went to Vegas to start off with, if the Producers or the TV have too nuch excess money, give some to poor people. it was a total boring night.All the repeats after Commercials and why is Jerry Springer there doesent he have enough with his own stupit show
Bone,
ewww. lol!
You are about the smartest person who watches the show and you still don’t know grammar or how to spell. Hilarious. And Bone, hahaha.
Have you noticed how David makes a point at leering at just about every woman with a pulse and shudders equally as boldly when someone of questionable gender is on stage? Me thinks he doth protest too much.
Last night’s show seemed to go on for an eternity. Personally I would like to see more of the acts and less of the judges. I don’t care if Piers is bored, Sharon is misty or David is horny. I don’t care how weepy the contestants get… when is this going to turn into a talent show?
Last night’s show scored one big YAWN from this viewer.
They sent the 15 year old home so that she could audition for american idol in a few years. she would prolly make to the finals. She’s that good. I have no clue why kaitlyn made it! She’s cute, but not a good singer yet!
Reading these comments, it’s surprisingly obvious that many of you believe that a show with judges including David Hasselhoff and Sharon Ozbourne, and hosted by Jerry Springer, is, in fact, a real TV show interested in talent. Equally surprising is the fact that you think there would be correlation between talent and the way the show operates. Two words, people: DAVID HASSELHOFF.
I was blown away by Shequida. It’s amazing that a man could undergo a gender-change operation and sing that high. The real talent there was of the plastic surgeons.