TV Squad has compiled a list of five of the TV theme songs with the worst lyrics (complete with cringeworthy credit clips). All worthy selections, but let’s dig deeper, shall we? The worst TV theme song lyrics of all time belong, of course, to Star Trek — what, you didn’t know the Trek theme (from the original 1966-69 series) had lyrics? It did, written by series creator Gene Roddenberry himself (and apparently over the objections of composer Alexander Courage), but they were never used; Roddenberry apparently wrote them only so he could grab half the publishing royalties. Anyway, thank your lucky starships that you’ve never heard anyone sing Roddenberry’s Trek lyrics because they’re horrible enough to be used as a weapon against the Romulans.
But I suppose we can’t count lyrics that didn’t actually burrow into your eardrums while you were watching the credits. I’d also nominate the lyrics for That Girl (sorry, Earle Hagen), but thankfully, the show dropped them early on for the bouncier, jazzier instrumental arrangement of the theme. The Patty Duke Show theme is also filled with howlers ("A hot dog makes her lose control"), but at least it fits the sitcom’s premise ("They’re cousins, identical cousins…"). So I’ll go with the "Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs" closer from Frasier (pictured), a show I otherwise like, but whose ending theme* grates on my ears every time I hear it. I mean, what does this non-sequitur lyric have to do with the show, anyway? (That teeth-gnashing "eggs/pegged/eggs" rhyme doesn’t help.) Plus, the melody lurches every which way like a seasick drunk on a cruise ship in a squall. It’s a perfect excuse to mute your TV, especially since Frasier’s final gag is always performed in pantomime anyway.
Let’s hear your worst TV theme lyric suggestions below. (Clip URLs are appreciated.)
*Speaking of crazy ending themes, has anyone ever deciphered the lyrics to the closing theme of WKRP in CIncinnati? I like this song, but who the hell can make out the words?
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I used to LOVE singing along with it (who am I kidding, I still do), but once I actually stopped and listened to the words I was singing, I realized the lyrics in “The Family Matters” theme song are a red hot mess.
A sampling:
“Well then there must be some magic clue/inside these tearful walls/’Cause all I see, is a tower of dreams/Real love bursting out of every seam!”
(What the hell?!)
I nominate the “Smallville” theme song – I can’t take that “Somebody SAAAAAVVVVEEEE MEEEE!” anymore. I also had to mute the “Dawson’s Creek” credits too back in the day – and I still can’t bear to hear that song if it comes on the radio. Also does anyone remember the late 80s/early 90s’ ABC Friday night line-up? “Full House,” “Family Matters,” “Step by Step,” “Perfect Strangers” – each one was progressively worse than the one before, and it seemed they were sung by the same guy. As corny as could be!
Also, I agree that the “Frasier” theme song didn’t have anything to do with anything and probably was only there because Kelsey Grammer wanted to sing. Of course, that means I kinda enjoy the badness of it.
i am a sucker for theme songs, i pretty much love ‘em all. but if i had to choose bad ones–, i might consider the following:
Baretta
Car 54
Grizzly Adams
Uh…The Nanny? It honestly must take the cake!
On the flip side, the got-canceled-WAY-too-soon “Knights of Prosperity” on ABC had one of my favorite recent theme songs (“Stealing from the rich to give to themselves!”. The whole sequence was just cool.
(Ok, I’m done for now)
I don’t watch this show, but every time I accidentally catch it, the theme drives me CRAZY — “Two and a half men” All they do is repeat the word “men” over and over and over?! That’s not a song!!
Couldn’t disagree with you more Gary. The Frasier theme song is perfect percisely b/c it’s so awful. Which is probably why they never played it in the opening credits. Besides, what kind of song could they have created for a show about an effete, radio shrink snob. The show begs for a nonsensical theme. Good night Seattle, we love you!
I always wondered a bit about the lyrics to Charles in Charge. I mean, what exactly did the girl mean? “Charles in charge of our days and our nights, Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights, and I sing, I want, I want Charles in charge of me.”
El, I just like that Two and a Half Men is called “My Cooler Uncle Charlie” in Germany. I always laugh at the names foreign countries come up with for American shows/films that don’t quite translate into their languages.
The Star Trek opening monologue contains one of my biggest pet peeves, so I’m glad you brought it up. It says “To boldly go where no man has gone before” but it should be “To go boldly where no man has gone before.” You never split your infinitives, dammit!
I know we’re discussing “worst” but I think one of the best – definitely one of the coolest – is the Sopranos’ “Woke Up This Morning”.
I agree with El… that Men song is awful, as is the show.
I nominate the song from Mr. Belvedere, mostly because I can’t make out what the heck the guy is warbling: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XdJgSkHogw
Another bad Star Trek is Enterprise
“It’s Been a Long Road
Gettin’ from there to here
It’s been a long time
But my time is finally here
I can see my dream come alive at last
I can touch the sky
But they’re not gonna hold me down – no, no
No they’re not gonna change my mind”…
Did Diane Warren actually write this, or use the AmericanIdol-tron 3000 (TM) to generate these cliches? Stop her before she strikes again!
GOOD TIMES:
“Temporary lay-offs, good times.
Easy credit rip-off, good times.
Scratching and surviving, good times”
What the f*ck is so good about all that???
eric friedman, dude its called sarcasm, you new or what?
and the two and a half men theme, goes with the show.. its suppose to be the three main characters singing it as well, its funny. not annoying. Gilmore girls as well, it fits the t.v show, the whole shows touchy feely, why wouldnt the theme song be as well?
and sons of anarchy has a good theme song. show overall kicks ass.
I suppose the original lyrics to the opening theme for M.A.S.H. (the film) might night have gone over very well on network television in the ’70s:
“‘Cause suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please”
I like to make a grating squealing sound during the Lost intro. Even more fun is singing along to the Alien Nation theme song. Skip to about a minute into it.
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Alien_Nation.html
Molly, are you sure that it was not “and I say that I want Charles in Charge of me”?
I vote for the original lyrics to The Facts of Life only because somehow the lyrical pattern did not seem to fit:
“There’s a place you’ve got to go for learning all you want to know about the facts of life
the facts of life.
When books are what you’re there about and looks are what you care about the time is right,
to learn the facts of life.
When the world never seems
to be living up to your dreams
it’s time you started finding out
what everything is all about
When the boys you used to hate you date, I guess you best investigate
the facts of life you gotta get’em right!”
Gilmore Girls…it’s a fine show, but the theme song is a little too touchy feely for me
Alex,
I didn’t even notice that, and now that you pointed it up I keep cracking up about it.
I could not abide the “All in the Family” song. Disliked the way it was sung and the words “Have yourself a dandy day that cost you under a fin???” were just another ick example. Oh, and Petticoat Junction–actual adults watched that show in prime time? But we loved the Patty Duke reruns. Loved the song-couldn’t tell you most of the words, but the tune and the gist of it was cool. Also we sang the word Bewitched over and over to the Bewitched theme song. It works and amused us to no end. We didn’t have iPods or home video games then.
I agree with Silv. Dawson’s Creek and Smallville both make me want to die. Somebody SAAAAAAVVVVVEEE MEEEEEEEE! from that awful opening theme. I think we should just stop watching CW shows.
(Oh, and I know it’s a cartoon, but the new, Spectacular Spiderman theme is wretched)
wh, we used to sing the word “bewitched” to the “Bewitched” theme song, too. We didn’t know that it actually had lyrics–as does the theme song from The Dick Van Dyke Show–and didn’t have the Internet to find them, either. LOL
As for bad lyrics, I think that “Flipper” qualifies.
Everyone loves the king of the sea,
Ever so kind and gentle is he.
Tricks he will do when children appear,
And how they laugh when he’s near.
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No one you see, is smarter than he.
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there under, under the sea.
Ugh. And yet, I find myself singing along.
According to Wikipedia:
The closing theme, “WKRP In Cincinnati End Credits”, was a hard rock number composed and performed by Jim Ellis, an Atlanta musician who recorded some of the incidental music for the show. According to people who attended the recording sessions, Ellis didn’t yet have lyrics for the closing theme, so he sang nonsense words to give an idea of how it would sound. Wilson decided it would be funny to use lyrics that were deliberately gibberish, as a satire on the incomprehensibility of many rock songs.[7] Also, since CBS always had an announcer talking over the closing credits, Wilson knew that no one would actually hear the closing theme lyrics anyway. In one pop-cultural nod to the closing theme, a character performs the song in the film Ready to Rumble. The closing theme is also played at the end of the syndicated morning radio show The Big Show with John Boy and Billy.
I also love The Sopranos and always liked The Patty Duke theme. Hate Frasier, the worst ever.
Okay people let’s not lose our heads. The themes to Perfect Strangers and Mr. Belvedere are the best songs for shows ever, especially if the latter is sung by Stewie Griffin. Scrambled eggs all over your faces.
I always liked Gary Shandling’s theme song.
“This is the theme to Garry’s Show,
The theme to Garry’s show.
Garry called me up and asked if I would right his theme song.
I’m almost halfway finished,
How do you like it so far,
How do you like the theme to Garry’s Show?”
However, I did not like the show itself very much.
cartoon theme songs tend to make me blush
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kuKZNmY3YDU
Golden Girls…for some reason I hate the word “confidant” and to hear it in a song for a show about old women…blech.
I think I disliked the theme song for “Three’s Company” when it was on, that it made me not want to watch the show! Where was Tivo back then so I could skip over “Come and knock on our door; we’ve been waiting for you. Where the kisses are hers and hers and his, three’s company too.”
Ugh. . . . makes me cringe just recalling it all.