It was a night of tears, fainting spells, tears, booty dancing, a human Ryan Seacrest, tears, and, of course, Dolly Parton (pictured). It was a night to remember, PopWatchers, even if the final result was as predictable as a non-committal comment from Randy. Unlike the last Idol results show I attended, this time I knew to show up early for the pre-taped segment, filing into Stage 36 at 4:50 p.m. with the rest of the audience, as Debbie the Stage Manager and Nigel Lythgoe frantically commanded us to please, please hurry to our seats, as they were supposed to start the pre-tape by 5 p.m. Once everyone got settled, I discovered two immediate surprises: One, the signage had significantly improved from Tuesday night, including "Hook’d on Cook" (but which one?!?) and this one, held by an 8-to-11-ish young girl: "Jason, will you marry me (in 15 years)?" And two, even though Dolly Parton was performing, the only two celebrities I counted in the audience were Chikezie and Robin McGraw, Dr. Phil’s wife. I’ve decided Nigel is intercepting the A-listers as they enter the theater and keeping them in a luxury-appointed holding pen until next week’s Idol Gives Back.
The pre-taped segment — which regular readers and eagle-eyed viewers should know by now is always the call-in Q&A and following musical performance — went off without a hitch. I correctly guessed that Syesha Mercado, David Cook and Michael "Haunts My Dreams" Johns were safe after they were called on to answer the viewer questions. All of the final nine dutifully head-bobbed to the Clark Brothers, who I thought did a decent job of climbing up from the Pit of Long Forgotten Reality Show Winners into the Pantheon of Respectable Performers Whose Albums You Probably Still Won’t Buy.
As we head beyond the jump, I’ll regale y’all with tales of Ryan’s words of comfort to the people of San Antonio, my two favorite Corey the WUC moments ever, and what caused Debbie the Stage Manager to call for paramedics.
The pre-tape over, Ryan stuck around to tape some segments for,well, I know it had to do with the NCAA Basketball Final Four andsomething called My Coke Fest at the Coke Zero Dome in San Antonio. Itseems Ry-Ry was supposed to host this event (music festival? corporatetailgate party? arts and crafts show?) in person, but couldn’t since Idol Gives Backwas now taping a large chunk of its show this Sunday at the KodakTheater. (Yes, I’ll be there.) So instead, Ryan had to stand stagecenter and read off copy about Three Doors Down and Coke karaoke rooms,and yet again, I had to gape at the man’s ability to do his job sowell. Someone had to. After finishing segment no. 1 in one take, Ryanstared down at the mosh pit, rolled his eyes and grumbled: "Brilliant!I can hear you say How does he do it?" By segment no. 3, though, he was flubbing his lines. "MikeCoke Fest? Who’s Mike Coke? Let’s do it again." Yep, Ryan’s human afterall. After he was finished, Debbie made him stick around even longerfor what she kept calling "The Monkey Song," a bit for Idol Gives Backwhere he was supposed to lip-synch and dance to the Monkees’ "DaydreamBeliever." Ryan lasted about three seconds, tossing his thumbs into theair Elaine Benes-style, before he begged off, apologized for not looking like a total fool for our enjoyment, and rushed off stage.
Then came time for Corey the WUC to finally — ahem — do his thang, and I braced myself for the obligatory "AwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWW YEEEEEAH!"and audience forced dancing antics. Instead, he calmly pulled fivepeople from the audience and engaged them in a rudimentary but stillsurprisingly entertaining rendition of Don’t Forget the Lyrics.Then the Idols came back out and lined up, the judges filed in — Randyfilling the night’s almost-didn’t-make-it slot — and we were into theshow.
Was it me, or was that "9 to 5" group performance actually prettyfun? I guess the look on David Cook’s face as he rubbed backs withMichael Johns — a combo of "What the hell am I doing?" and "Why am I having a blast?" — kinda made it for me. At the same time, I couldn’t help but steal some glances at Chikezie, who was due to sing "9 to 5"this week if he’d made it through, and the guy wasn’t so much clappingalong with the rest of us. (Yes, I know, I was clapping too, but it wasa group performance, and they came into the audience, so it doesn’tcount. Try to pierce that iron-clad logic.)
My notes for the middle part the show are pretty light. I had aright good chuckle coming back from an ad break when Simon grabbedPaula’s chair and kept her from turning it to face the stage. And Coreyhad a delightful time talking with three young brothers from Ohio —OH! IO! (omigod, I know I’m from Columbus, but I cannot believeI just did that). At one point, Corey asked the youngest how old hewas. Kid: "Six… no, eight!" Corey: "68, I see, I see. What year were youborn?" Kid: "Ummm… 2000!" At which point, I do believe my hairlinereceded a full inch.
But otherwise, things moved along at a fair clip, and much of mytime was spent in the dark watching all the video packages and thepre-taped segment from earlier. And then David Cook was safe — and letme say here that I’m truly sorry that his absence, which I noted in Tuesday’s write-up,was due to a medical issue, and that I’m truly thrilled it seems to havebeen no big deal — Ramiele and KLC were in the bottom three, and wewere into another ad break. And then, suddenly, Debbie was sternlycalling for a paramedic; my heart dropped, and I have to confess myeyes leapt to David Cook. But he was fine. It appears a fan in the moshpit had fainted (as my mom warns me to this day, don’t lock yourknees!), but she was fortunately caught by someone behind her, and theon-site paramedics were able to get her up and walking off the stagebefore we even got close to coming back on air.
Such drama! And it continued for the rest of the show. First, Brookewas bottom three’d and just could not stop crying, no matter howearnestly Carly, Syesha and KLC rubbed her back and fixed her hair.Even Nigel applied the usually fail safe paternalhand-on-the-small-of-the-back, to no avail. And all this was happeningwhile the crew erected all the equipment and placed all the musiciansfor Dolly Parton’s number in less than four minutes, which was quite ashow considering it took 20 minutes to set up Jordin Sparks and ChrisBrown’s pre-taped number the night before, and they didn’t have back upsingers or a gospel choir. Then Dolly floated in, and I meanthat quite literally; bless her, the dear woman looks like she weighsabout as much as my down comforter. She made one last adjustment —hiking up her white-sequined pants — and pretty much blew the roof offthe place. Yes, I was clapping, and I didn’t even mind that Nigel wasleading the way.
Once the show was at its final ad break, Dolly was zipped out ofthere, and all that equipment disappeared almost as quickly. Brooke wasstill teary, and Carly looked near her wit’s end with all thebackrubbing. (David Cook, meanwhile, complimented Jason Castro’sboots.) When we came back for the final results, all of the Idols backon the bench looked crazy tense; for a moment, David Cook even claspedhis hands together and grimly closed his eyes. After Ramiele learnedshe was going home, she was near bum-rushed by the rest of the women asthe guys watched her Idol journey package back at the benches.Carly pulled out the big guns and repeatedly wiped away Rami’s tearswith massive wads of tissue like a woman possessed. As the segmentwrapped to a close and the tiny ex-Idol began her swan song, the guyssauntered over to join the goodbye line — except for D’Archie, whoseemed trapped in a loop of "whoops, this spot’s taken, now this spot,now that spot," until KLC finally roped the kid in. Ramiele finishedher song; the rest of the Idols formed a group cocoon around her in anapparent attempt to absorb her body into theirs; the 19 Entertainmentend credit twinkle played over the speakers; and Ms. Malubay wasimmediately whisked off-stage. Annnnnnd scene! Phew!
And now, I leave you with this question: What would you ask Randy,Paula, Simon, Ryan, and the Idols if you were pre-selected for thecall-in Q&A?
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Well, I’d never get chosen for some of the questions I’d like to ask, but here’s one of the more polite ones: Randy and Paula, why do you seem to say nothing at all constructive when you’re “critiquing” the contestants? You both have years of experience in the music industry–do you honestly have *nothing* useful to offer the kids besides “It was pitchy dawg,” “It was just a-ight for me,” “First of all you look beautiful,” and “It’s all about song choice”? Not that Simon has been terribly constructive this year either.
OH-IO, Adam? Really? I mean, I’m a Buckeye fan, but I’m starting to wonder what it’s like to live in a world were that’s not something I have to experience every other day…
i would only ask Paula questions since she is the only judge/person on the show I care about. (like rest of america, i dont care about ryan, randy or simon’s lives outside of american idol) i would probably ask her something about her singing comeback
I would ask Paula when her next song will come.
Yes, my question is for Simon, how long are you going to keep quiet before you call this question and answer section of the show the stupidest thing ever done on Idol?
would ask paula something. she is the only one from the show who has been famous for more than 15 minutes. (isnt it funny how nobody had even heard of simon before american idol. even in england, he was an unknown)
I would ask Paula if her hot boyfriend was at the show.
I’ve asked you but you never tell. lol
I would ask Paula and Simon how they really feel about each other. they sometimes act like they hate each other but i know they dont. i think simon is obsessed with Paula. the way he is always playing with her, yeah, i think he’s obsessed with her.
I would ask Paula questions. I love her so much. in fact, i know that there are lots of people (mostly little girls) calling in with Paula questions. but forever reason, they ignore them. maybe they dont want “fan questions”, i dont know.
I would tell Paula she’s totally hot and ask her to do the cover of Maxim.
What is in that cup you drink out of??
I would ask PAULA questions ok, because she is my IDOL, i freakin love her. probably something about her singing or whats up with her boyfriend, are they still together or just friends now? anyway, so im listening to this interview Paula did on a radio show, and she clearly Hates kristy. haha (surprise?)
I was hoping you have an explanation for Carly and David Cook reaching for Kleenexs after the Idol Gives Back video. Also any news on why Simon had a tear running down his face before he told Brooke she would not be eliminated.
i would ask Paula questions. she’s the only one i care about
questions for paula, of course. i already asked several questions for her but they keep not picking them and thats really annoying, ok. they keep giving simon questions, and honestly, i dont think anyone cares about his answers because, well you know, just watch the fan videos on youtube. 95 % paula, 5 % simon, 0 % randy and ryan..
paula rox, i would ask questions about her singing comeback and when her next song and video will come
I would ask paula something
When Paula’s next song will come.
I would tell Paula i love her and i would ask questions to her.
would ask paula if shes still with her boyfriend, but i have a feeling she isnt
Spot on, Eli–the Q&A is pointless. I want to ask Ryan Seacrest why he thinks it’s original to pick a stick-it-to-Simon question every week. Grr.
And bless you, Adam B. Vary, for not trashing the Clark Brothers’ nervewracked performance. They’re so much better than it gave them credit for, and it’s nice to see someone cut them a little slack.
I would ask Paula why, after all these seasons of idol, hasn’t she fired her publicist – then I would ask simon to marry me
Adam,
I love you.
That’s all.
Red
Here’s the question I would ask all three judges: What’s the deal with the free pass you guys are giving David Archuletta? I mean, that short little guy is about as boring and vanilla as they come. Just like the screaming hordes who proclaimed their undying love for Blake last year, anyone who thinks this munchkin will have a lasting career once the season of Idol ends is clueless. Archuletta is the kind of dweeb that prepubescent girls adore for a couple of months before they move on to the next teenage flash in the pan. Yes, the kid can usually hit his notes, but so what? He is utterly bland and soulless. He kind of reminds me of an Osmond – not Donny or Marie, maybe Jimmy. And Archuletta certainly doesn’t have the appeal of any of the performers who have emerged from the Disney Channel, which is definitely his target demographic.
Wasn’t Peter Frampton sitting behind Simon??
You forgot to mention Holly Robinson Peete, but I wouldn’t call her an A-lister. Also, thanks for pointing out Robin McGraw. I knew I recognized her, but I couldn’t figure out who she was. For a second, I thought she looked like a politician’s wife.
I agree with the poster re the question about why Paula and Randy don’t really give constructive criticism. I would also ask why they waffle back and forth on their criticism (Simon does this at times too).
I loved the Clark Brothers but wish they had done their version of the Stone’s Gimme Shelter which was amazing. I was actually thinking about them the other day and wondering when an album was coming out. The song they sang was a bit too frantic — they must have been nervious — and I’ve seen them sing it before.
I’d ask them who is the dufus in charge of making the eliminated contestant sing the song that they apparently didn’t sing well in the first place. It’s torture for them and for us. If they must sing, then at least let them exit with the song of their choice.
I would ask whoever is closest to smack those damn arm-waving kids.
Adam – reading you and Michael Slezak is as much fun as watching idol. Love it! Anyway I’d ask when they’ll start a single vote per contestant system. In our house, we vote for everyone we want back (not just our faves). But, I think it should be limited to one vote per phone line per contestant.