The good folks at MGA Entertainment were kind enough to send me a "Sienna" doll (from the America’s Next Top Model collection) last Friday — accompanied by a note in which she declared herself "fierce" and a threat to win the competition. (Now that I’ve renamed her "Hellaciouse," maybe she’s got a chance). Anyway, while I’m still secretly hoping for a Tascha doll to arrive before Wednesday’s Top Model season premiere, I went ahead and spent part of my President’s Day vacation trying to get my kitchen sink to look like the swimming pool at the Top Doll house. How could I have anticipated the bitchery that would follow? Let’s pick up the episode already in progress…
Hawaiielle: Oh, oh, omigod! What is she doing?
Hellaciouse: Looks like that dumb tramp is ripping off her clothes. Again.
Audrexinia: WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Hawaiielle: Audrexinia, as a deeply religious, small-town girl, I do not approve of your inebriated display of nakedness.
Audrexinia: I’m not ashamed. Don’t forget, Jesus made THESE!!! Well, Jesus and Dr. Steinberg.
Hellaciouse: Yeah, flash ‘em, girl!
Hawaiielle: Don’t encourage her.
Hellaciouse: Oh, Hawaiielle, everyone knows that bald-headed lush is going home tomorrow. Let her have her fun while she can.
Audrexinia: Hey, I was not even trying to put my head in a tiger’s mouth!
Hellaciouse: Let me tell you something: A Top Model is always ready for her closeup. A Top Model doesn’t leave the house without full hair and makeup. A Top Model doesn’t take off her high heels — not even at poolside. And a Top Model doesn’t hesitate to taunt a hungry, enraged carnivore if that’s what the photo shoot requires.
Audrexinia: And does a Top Model have a two-pack-a-day habit, you smoke-infested hag?
Hellaciouse: Well at least my sweat hasn’t turned the swimming pool into a gin and tonic.
Audrexinia: Well at least my weave doesn’t look like a busted ball of yarn.
Hellaciouse: Well at least I have a weave. If that’s a Mia Farrowbob you’re rockin’, Baldie, then maybe Hawaiielle really is a size four.
Hawaiielle: Hey! What’d I ever do to you?
Hellaciouse: You and your plus-sized rainbow muumuu are blocking my sun, that’s what. Now take a hike!
[Hawaiielle dashes back into the Top Doll house in tears. Hellaciouse and Audrexinia giggle.]
Audrexinia: What a lightweight.
Hellaciouse: Lightweight? In her dreams!
[Hellaciouse and Audrexinia burst into fits of laughter.]
At first I thought this was about Top Model, but it’s finally hit me. Slezak likes to play with dolls. It’s okay though, because so does Seth Green. And even though Robot Chicken is a straight up ripoff of my once planned “Action figure theater” (who’s the real NAPSTER, MR. Green?), it is a hit show…
Sle, you should pen an ep of Robot Chicken based on these doll tales. The sequel could be the Next Pussycat Dolls Doll show.
Audrexinia: I’m not ashamed. Don’t forget, Jesus made THESE!!! Well, Jesus and Dr. Steinberg
TOO FUNNY! These are way better the the top model reviews
Did you go to Junior High with my classmates? That was spot on mortifying.
This is hilarious! I especially like the nods to the Mia Farrow bob. Please, please, please can we have an episode where the dolls freak out over thier makeovers and Mr. Jay lectures them about how “lucky” they are to have some ugly weave sewn onto their head by a “master”?
Whoops! I’m behind a few episodes. Loved the make-over show! We need to see the dolls pose with “male models” (either GI Joe or He-Man) and then cheat on their boyfriends with said male models. Also, what emerging fashion capital are the finalists going to? How about Hoboken, NJ?
The best part of that picture is how you have tyra’s pics from last weeks ew on the wall just was super-narcissist tyra has pics of herself ALL OVER the real house. Cant wait for wednesday
Hilarious Sle! The best. Thanks 4 brightening my mornings and providing some silly amusement to my days, even tho I adore Top Model. Who will be the winner of Top Doll? Or do we not care?
Ha! Dr. Steinberg! And this line:
Audrexinia: And does a Top Model have a two-pack-a-day habit, you smoke-infested hag?
reminds me of Corinne from cycle 5, asking Lisa “And what are you doing, alcoholic b—-!”
Love that: (a) you took the dolls home, did their hair and changed their clothes (where did that muumuu come from, anyway?) – your dedication to the cause is inspiring; (b) the names of the dolls all have excess vowels. One cannot be a serious Top Doll contender without at least 6 vowels in one’s name. Spontaneiouse, anyone? Can’t wait to see what the judges have to say to Hellaciouse!
Slezak. You’ve got a couple dozen screaming, ditzy fans so now you’re officially hooked. Pathetic, the lot of you.
Awesome stuff. My only regret is that we don’t get to see Audrexinia’s fugly haircut in the picture as she disrobes. And Duh, what’s more pathetic, enjoying Slezak’s ANTD posts or taking the time to slam everyone who enjoys them? If you don’t like them, go play in some other pool.
I love that, even though they are dolls, you blured the boobs like on TV. Keep it coming.
That picture seriously made me burst out laughing.
I just hope they have a Miss J doll!
I have not really been followng ANTM Dolls, but I just noticed that you have a character named Hellaciouse. I legit spit out my yogurt!
Awesome. Sadly, the actual dialogue in the show will never be half as witty or entertaining.