The good folks at MGA Entertainment were kind enough to send me a "Sienna" doll (from the America’s Next Top Model collection) last Friday — accompanied by a note in which she declared herself "fierce" and a threat to win the competition. (Now that I’ve renamed her "Hellaciouse," maybe she’s got a chance). Anyway, while I’m still secretly hoping for a Tascha doll to arrive before Wednesday’s Top Model season premiere, I went ahead and spent part of my President’s Day vacation trying to get my kitchen sink to look like the swimming pool at the Top Doll house. How could I have anticipated the bitchery that would follow? Let’s pick up the episode already in progress…
Hawaiielle: Oh, oh, omigod! What is she doing?
Hellaciouse: Looks like that dumb tramp is ripping off her clothes. Again.
Audrexinia: WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Hawaiielle: Audrexinia, as a deeply religious, small-town girl, I do not approve of your inebriated display of nakedness.
Audrexinia: I’m not ashamed. Don’t forget, Jesus made THESE!!! Well, Jesus and Dr. Steinberg.
Hellaciouse: Yeah, flash ‘em, girl!
Hawaiielle: Don’t encourage her.
Hellaciouse: Oh, Hawaiielle, everyone knows that bald-headed lush is going home tomorrow. Let her have her fun while she can.
Audrexinia: Hey, I was not even trying to put my head in a tiger’s mouth!
Hellaciouse: Let me tell you something: A Top Model is always ready for her closeup. A Top Model doesn’t leave the house without full hair and makeup. A Top Model doesn’t take off her high heels — not even at poolside. And a Top Model doesn’t hesitate to taunt a hungry, enraged carnivore if that’s what the photo shoot requires.
Audrexinia: And does a Top Model have a two-pack-a-day habit, you smoke-infested hag?
Hellaciouse: Well at least my sweat hasn’t turned the swimming pool into a gin and tonic.
Audrexinia: Well at least my weave doesn’t look like a busted ball of yarn.
Hellaciouse: Well at least I have a weave. If that’s a Mia Farrowbob you’re rockin’, Baldie, then maybe Hawaiielle really is a size four.
Hawaiielle: Hey! What’d I ever do to you?
Hellaciouse: You and your plus-sized rainbow muumuu are blocking my sun, that’s what. Now take a hike!
[Hawaiielle dashes back into the Top Doll house in tears. Hellaciouse and Audrexinia giggle.]
Audrexinia: What a lightweight.
Hellaciouse: Lightweight? In her dreams!
[Hellaciouse and Audrexinia burst into fits of laughter.]
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At first I thought this was about Top Model, but it’s finally hit me. Slezak likes to play with dolls. It’s okay though, because so does Seth Green. And even though Robot Chicken is a straight up ripoff of my once planned “Action figure theater” (who’s the real NAPSTER, MR. Green?), it is a hit show…
Sle, you should pen an ep of Robot Chicken based on these doll tales. The sequel could be the Next Pussycat Dolls Doll show.
Audrexinia: I’m not ashamed. Don’t forget, Jesus made THESE!!! Well, Jesus and Dr. Steinberg
TOO FUNNY! These are way better the the top model reviews
Did you go to Junior High with my classmates? That was spot on mortifying.
This is hilarious! I especially like the nods to the Mia Farrow bob. Please, please, please can we have an episode where the dolls freak out over thier makeovers and Mr. Jay lectures them about how “lucky” they are to have some ugly weave sewn onto their head by a “master”?
Whoops! I’m behind a few episodes. Loved the make-over show! We need to see the dolls pose with “male models” (either GI Joe or He-Man) and then cheat on their boyfriends with said male models. Also, what emerging fashion capital are the finalists going to? How about Hoboken, NJ?
The best part of that picture is how you have tyra’s pics from last weeks ew on the wall just was super-narcissist tyra has pics of herself ALL OVER the real house. Cant wait for wednesday
Hilarious Sle! The best. Thanks 4 brightening my mornings and providing some silly amusement to my days, even tho I adore Top Model. Who will be the winner of Top Doll? Or do we not care?
Ha! Dr. Steinberg! And this line:
Audrexinia: And does a Top Model have a two-pack-a-day habit, you smoke-infested hag?
reminds me of Corinne from cycle 5, asking Lisa “And what are you doing, alcoholic b—-!”
Love that: (a) you took the dolls home, did their hair and changed their clothes (where did that muumuu come from, anyway?) – your dedication to the cause is inspiring; (b) the names of the dolls all have excess vowels. One cannot be a serious Top Doll contender without at least 6 vowels in one’s name. Spontaneiouse, anyone? Can’t wait to see what the judges have to say to Hellaciouse!
Slezak. You’ve got a couple dozen screaming, ditzy fans so now you’re officially hooked. Pathetic, the lot of you.
Awesome stuff. My only regret is that we don’t get to see Audrexinia’s fugly haircut in the picture as she disrobes. And Duh, what’s more pathetic, enjoying Slezak’s ANTD posts or taking the time to slam everyone who enjoys them? If you don’t like them, go play in some other pool.
I love that, even though they are dolls, you blured the boobs like on TV. Keep it coming.
That picture seriously made me burst out laughing.
I just hope they have a Miss J doll!
I have not really been followng ANTM Dolls, but I just noticed that you have a character named Hellaciouse. I legit spit out my yogurt!
Awesome. Sadly, the actual dialogue in the show will never be half as witty or entertaining.
Why aren’t the top mod-dolls casually stationed around the phones and office during the “I-DOLL-atry” sessions?
Hellaciouse! Love it! Slezak you really should do a robot chicken episode! Will you do a final lineup on wednesday so we can see all the dolls in their glory? Love the Tyra posters in the back!!
Only found one problem with this scenario. Do you honestly think an ANTM contestant would know who Mia Farrow is?
This just gets better and better. I think the the Dolls need to have a shoot in a kitty litter box (an alegory for all the cat-fighting and poo-storms that happen) Whaddya think?
Again, far more entertaining than the real thing! I have to say I’d rather read/see what happens to the Dolls next, than follow the “real” ANTM girls (um, sorry, models).
And to Ames: Wouldn’t Hellaciouse, with all that regurgitated Tyraspeak at poolside, pick up on any Mia Farrow reference during the judges makeover critique?!! Just saying. Can’t you just hear Twiggy mentioning how Mia the haircut was before going on about her own short cut.
God help me, I am taking this way too seriously.
Ames, you make a rock solid point. The Next Top Models are about as likely to know who is Mia Farrow as they are to know Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
And “Duh”, why be a jerk? If you dislike what Sle (or any of the other Popwatch staff) writes, send the brother an email with some constructive criticism at popwatch@ew.com
If you have anything good to say (or a really smart dis) they’ll reply. And if you have anything to actually offer (a news item, a great new website, some oddball popculture coincidence), they might even post it for you on Popwatch.
But if you’ve got nothing to add to the discussion other than calling everyone “pathetic”, then don’t waste your time.
Where’s the Lesbian model, (or at least bi-sexual), every cycle has one, who makes out with another model and you know…
Plus, you need some weird artsy clothing modeling, you know paper bags, styrofoam cups, tubesocks…
I’m getting a little tired of the same content on this program. They need to come up with something more original. Check this out:
https://paydotcom.com/r/9895/4square/4023370/
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