You might think our new series of America’s Next Top Doll recaps — leading up to Wednesday’s premiere of America’s Next Top Model (click here for a behind-the-scenes look at EW’s new "Tyra Inc." cover shoot) — is all fun and games, but then you probably weren’t at the intersection of Broadway and 51st in Manhattan yesterday, where my colleague Annie Barrett was spotted lying on the germ-infested sidewalk to capture the edgy and glamorous photo at left. (Don’t believe me? Click here, here, and here for evidence of our insane field trip. Just don’t forward to the Time Inc. overlords who sign our paychecks.) Indeed, I called on Ms. Barrett for help with yesterday’s shoot, since I thought it might be somewhat alarming (and possibly even illegal) for a grown man to be photographing a naked, ink-smeared doll in public. But enough behind the scenes reporting, let’s cut to America’s Next Top Doll, where evaluations are about to begin…
Tyra: This week’s photo shoot tackled the important issue of "naked hobos in the city." There are so many hobos, living in cardboard boxes, who don’t have the proper attire that’s required to get through harsh New York winters. And we wanted to take that idea and translate it into an edgy, cutting-edge, editorial, edgy photo shoot. Let’s start our evaluations with Hawaiielle. And here’s your best shot!
Twiggy: Llloave the positioning of the legs. They look like they’re a million miles long.
Miss J: But your hand is like a giant oven mitt, and the whole thing leaves me feeling a little card bored. [Pauses.] Cardboard? Card bored. Get it?
[Crickets.]
Tyra: Hawaiielle, you’ve definitely captured the spirit ofthe hobo with your hunched, gruesome body positioning and dirt-streakedgams, but Mr. Jay said you were very uncomfortable with the idea ofbeing butt-booty naked in the middle of Times Square in sub-freezingtemperatures, and that at the end of the shoot you had to be rushed tothe emergency room for hypothermia.
Hawaiielle: Well, it’s just that I come from a strongreligious upbringing, and I was worried how my family would feel aboutmy posing in public covered in bits of newspaper.
Tyra: Hawaiielle, being a top model isn’t just about taking apretty picture, sometimes it’s about standing naked in front of themind’s mirror and deciding what’s really important to you. The judgeshear about your reluctance, and they wonder if you have the drive anddesire to make it in this industry, but on the other hand, they hearhow you pushed yourself to the brink of mental and physical collapse,and that sends us a mixed signal.
Nigel: I think this is a very arousing photograph, but when I look at the face, I don’t get anything.
Tyra: Let’s look at the closeup. See, Hawaiille, you’re giving us hobo, but you’re not giving us fashion. Watch how I do it: Hobo [raises eyebrows and droops her mouth] but make it fashion [seductively runs fingers through hair]. Hobo [raises eyebrows and droops her mouth] but make it fashion [seductively runs fingers through hair]. See?
Hawaiielle: [blankly] Uh-huh.
Tyra: Thank you, Hawaiielle.
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I am so addicted to this… hilarious!
The best part about these posts are the ridiculous names that you make up for the dolls that sound they could actually be names of contestants on Top Model.
Slezak, I know the hubby wouldn’t approve, but you are officially my soul mate. This is the funniest series of PW entries I have ever read. I can’t wait to find out what country’s culture gets exploited by Miss Banks when the dolls go abroad.
Slezak, you are hilarious. I could not love these posts more.
I LOVE THIS. Keep these coming, they’re amazing!
Hawaiielle, you seem to be missing a shoe. Is there a sad story from your past that you’d like to share with the judges? Bonus points if you cry.
Awesome photo, Hawaiielle…I particularly like the awkward bend of the legs inside the box. But Tyra’s right – you need some more fashion with that hobo look. (Annie and Slezak, I appreciate the lengths you went to in getting that shot…and squealed a little when I recognized my company’s NYC office behind you! Eeee!)
these posts are fantastic. i think you are dead on in capturing panel. these are the funniest things i’ve read on pw in a long time and i can’t wait for the rest of the posts.
These are so funny! I am surprised though that there is no comment about how dead her eyes look, followed by Tyra doing her “thinking eyes” demo
I LOVE these posts, I think they’re seriously the highlight of my day. (What does that say about my life, hm?) The only thing that could possibly make it any better is if one day you film an actual episode using only the dolls…
I am LOVING these posts! Thank you Michael for making my week!
ahhh…poor Tyra. makes the cover of EW this week…and yet being hilariously mocked on popwatch. i LOVE it. and i LOVE slezak.
well slap me silly! I always picture Annie being a red head! Blonde… who would have thought?!
These crack me up keep them coming!
I have a suggestion – A Jurasic Park Motiff with the Dolls and a bunch of large model Dinos.
Wow *sob* – these posts have had the unintentional effect of curing me of my ANTM addiction. My eyes are now open to the hypocrisy and contradictions that define every word that comes out of the judges’ mouths. I’m never going back. I knew I had a problem, but since there’s not yet a 12-step program for reality tv addiction, I didn’t know where to turn. Thank you, Mike, for giving me back my life! At least 1 hour a week, anyway. For those of you still fighting the battle, look for my upcoming book, “Escaping Reality TV, How Michael Slezak’s Sarcasm Helped Me Reclaim My Life” (working title), $29.95 in hardcover. Now if I can just manage to stop reading the PopWatches….
This is so Top Model. This is Hobo.. This is Fashion.. lol..
I suddenly feel like watching Top Model again this season. Until some real, scripted tv comes back on or until Top Chef and Deadliest Catch come back.
Sle, I am LOVING these send ups and how you and Annie B have become the Willie Colon and Hector Lavoe of EW (for reference, please check out some of their album covers like “Asalto Navideño” and “Lo Mato”. The mischievious energy you to bring to Popwatch is friggin’ Awesome to the Max!
Oh my goodness! I love how you hit the fact that Tyra always has to show everyone that she can do it better. Less we forget she was a model herself.
Love that you’re doing this!!
Sooo funny….and really impressive. Everyone laughs at Tyra’s “tyraisms”, but you can actually script them. So fab! Keep it up!
OMG LMFAO. PLEASE keep doing these. Collect them on a website. Publish a book. DO SOMETHING to preserve these for posterity. Or at least mail them to Tyra. These posts are absolutely priceless!! Slezak, you were my hero with the AI recaps for your snarky and dead on analysis, and now you are my god. I’ve only watched three or four episodes of ANTM, and I still find these over the top frickin hilarious! Thanks for picking up my week!
So we’re still in need of the season staples: awkward shoot with a male model (GI Joe action figure?) and another featuring a zoo animal or cool insect. The dinosaur idea is genius.
Is Monday enough time? Your public needs you, Slezak.
I don’t know why I love these posts so much, but I do – I lloave them! Thank you for keeping it going! Will there be a catwalk finale prior to the ANTM premiere? Love the idea of a shoot with animals, too. Maybe stuffed animals? Yes, this is all silly stuff, but Slezak proves that silly doesn’t have to be stupid. Great writing as always.
these are my absolute favorite columns in the history of EW
So what fabulous destination awaits the 5 finalists? Toyland? FAO Schwarz? Will they meet special guest judge, the legendary Malibu Barbie (I hear she’s had work done) or will ANTD just cop out and get random Bratz for the finale instead?
OMG! This is hilarious! You should make clips to put on YouTube or FunnyorDie.
Next week on ANTD–the dolls have to pose with male models (aka G.I. Joes). Things heat up when Snow Job and Dramatique cross the line and will Ingenue’s conservative boyfriend freak out when he learns she has to pose in provocative lingerie with Sgt. Slaughter?
Slezak–you rock!
I love how this perfectly captures how judges send mixed messages to the models.
These are fantastic! I can just hear Tyra saying this crap! Keep them coming please! And I totally agree that you should do some sort of youtube video. Amazing
I can only imagine the stares you got for lying on the sidewalk. Awesome post though!