'Gossip Girl' Finale: Blair Witch Project

Gg_lThe end has come, but fear not readers — there are many ways to get your Gossip Girl fix post-January 9th. Here are some ways to dampen your GG withdrawal:

a) Watch reruns and play Guzzle Girl, a GG-themed drinking game for New Yorkers. Sling back a shot for every location mentioned that you’ve been to/drank at/fornicated in. Double-time if it’s in your ‘hood (Example: Dan: "The Sunshine Theater"; Me: Bam! Bam!).

b) Listen to Ed Westwick’s indie rock band, appropriately named The Filthy Youth. Egads! Send in a picture of yourself with the self-damning phrase "I’m a Filthy Youth"; admire your picture once it’s posted online with the string of other teenagers, strangely all female.

c) Go to the Palace Hotel’s Gilt Restaurant and order yourself a grilled cheese with truffle oil, inspired by the show, for only $50. Get escorted out after barging into the back kitchen mumbling something about a gooey, attempted rape scene.

None of these options are as good as the real thing, natch, as proved by yesterday’s episode — the last of the season and, with no word on a resolution to the writers’ strike, likely the year. Already known for its hyper-dramatization of teenage life, GG delivered interventions, helicopters, brawls, and emergency escape routines worthy of a David Blaine special. B.’s world came crumbling down, and she tried to pull a Serena van der Woodsen by running away to her father’s French chateau, chartering a helicopter to JFK airport. (Cue misty-eyed parting between B. and S. at the heliport.) This plot point might have legs if I were watching Survivor: Manhattan — The Live Finale, but is the only way a Waldorf can be dragged out of the island by air? More likely, it was a thinly veiled excuse to have Serena’s golden tresses flutter in the wind one last time. Yes! Thank you for that.

We began with the news of S.’s pregnancy scare spreading through the Upper East Side faster than an STD in the movie Kids; also, there were more extras on the show than I have ever seen in the entirety of the season. Who were thesepeople? Are those homeless people I see in Central Park smoking adoobie actually students at Constance Billard? Anyway, clad in awide-lapel cardigan, Rufus channeled his inner Masterpiece Theaterwhen he lectured from an armchair, "Since the time you could talk, yourmother and I knew you were very special." "I love her!" Dan thenprofessed, which ostensibly grossed Humphrey the elder out since heabruptly stood up and walked away. What great parenting: Ignoring thematter, then letting out a "Yes… yes… yes… YES!" upon learning ofthe false alarm that enables you to continue with your ferocious datinglife. Priorities.

This being the last episode, they had to cram Everyone Who Mattersinto the show, like the oft-neglected Eric, Jenny, Minority Twins, anda rare glimpse of two of Rufus’ ladies. But how lame was his "I onlyhung out with groupies who chose me," routine with Girl No. 2 atBedford Gallery, basically admitting to a bevy of one-night stands?Even more vexing was when Girl No. 2 administered the instructions, "Intwo days you’re going to call me and thank me for your dating faux pas;you’ll ask me out to dinner, someplace elegant but intimate, and we’llhave a fabulous time. Got all that?" But wait, Rufus had to kill anymagic by calling her immediately with a s***-eating grin, in aMeSoCleverLOL kind of way. Yuck. Jenny had it right when she asked Dan,"Why are you taking his advice? He’s old and alone.’"

I was shocked to find myself rooting for B. (pictured) when sheplanked from her inner circle, since the new crop of queen bees looked,well, sad. Like poor knockoff Louis Vuitton bags in Chinatown next tothe real, glistening thing. They possessed neither the charm, thebeauty, nor the wealth (in Jenny’s case) that would excuse B.’sacrimonious behavior (and her Prada mini turbans). Call me vicious, butI wanted to wipe that self-satisfied smirk off of lil’ Jenny’s face theentire time. But I suppose that’s the point — in order to recognize thecruel cycle of hypocrisy, we must be taken out of context.

Predictably, news of B.’s infidelity and subsequent possiblepregnancy resulted in the breakdown of a brotherhood — and chipped awayat poor B.’s mental health. (Cue lots of slow-motion reels and tenderpiano ballads here). She lashed out at everyone possible: "Have funplaying with yourself," she screamed at Chuck; "Low-rent boyfriend" and"social-climbing sister who wears my hand-me-downs," she saidabout the Humphreys — but saved the best for her gal pal: "I can’tbelieve you don’t get it. The rules are different for the Serena vander Woodsens of the world. People expect you to party, and be wild,sleep with whomever you want, run away, come back… You shot yourreputation a long time ago. It doesn’t matter what you do, but I’m aWALDORF!" Has B. been taking lessons from CeCe "I don’t like my icecubes to get lonely" van der Woodsen? Her tongue was quick as a whip.The only thing that could silence her? The increasingly reptilianChuck, of course, who probably waited years to pull out thisbone-rattling speech: "You held a certain fascination when you werebeautiful, delicate and untouched. But now you’re like one of theArabians my father used to own — rode hard and put away wet."

What a fabulous run it’s been. I’ll finally finish with adeclaration of love: Like Dan’s confession to Serena and herless-than-enthusiastic reply, just when my love for the show swelled toan all-time high, GG takes a pre-emptive bow at the finish line, but I’ll be there waiting for it when it comes back. Who else is with me?

Comments (51 total) Add your comment
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  • Elizabeth

    I love this show and can’t wait for it to come back. One thing that really bothered me about last night’s episode, though, was the way everyone turned on Blair so viciously for doing almost the same thing Nate did (i.e., when he slept with Serena). It felt like a double standard.

  • BLM

    “Rode hard and put away wet” is probably one of the nastiest insults I’ve ever heard on any TV show ever! I still hope Chuck and Blair end up together. Yes, Jenny was annoyingly smug. Dan and Serena are adorable together, but if I were Dan, I’d get sick of my girlfriend always running away to be with her best friend. I look forward to the end of the writer’s strike and a new season of GG this summer or fall.

  • ellen

    i’m ready for more – and ready for you to get a lengthier update in tvwatch!

  • Bazjill84

    Anyone else sick of B’s turbandanas?

  • Rita

    yeah but nate doesn’t think he’s all that ad pretends to be perfect and the boss of everyone.

  • sarah

    of course there is a double standard… even more so in high society i suppose. i loved Chuck last night! he made the episode for me. also the really awkward moments ie, Dan sittig across from Rufus after learning about the pregnancy, Serena waiting for the elevator after the big blowup with Blair… these really grounded the episode for me. it annoys me that an elevator is always waiting and dialogue happens so effortlessly, so it was refreshing to see this last night.
    Hopefully Jenny finds her way out of the circle. i see it getting bad before it gets better. maybe she will be the new queen bee, only to have Eric knocked back to her senses.

  • Katie

    Logan made a comment like that on Veronica Mars once. When introducing his step-sister to his scheming girlfriend: “Rode hard, meet put away wet.” Always an amusing line.

  • aymzer

    did I miss something in the Eric/Serena discussion? He sort of implied that he had told Jenny about Blair and Chuck, but Serena didn’t get mad at him at all.

  • BeachBoy

    This episode is a prime example of why this show is one of my favorites.

  • dala

    this show is CRAZZZZZY which is why i love it

  • Fumi

    On another board another person mentioned that Logan from VM made the “Rode hard, put away wet” comment about his sister and girlfriend. What makes Chuck’s comment different from Logan’s is the delivery. Ed Westwick delivered the line so scathingly dark that it hurt hear him say it, while Jason’s Dooring’version was said in a much lighter tone.

  • Gabby

    Watching Taylor Momsen attempt to play ringleader of the brats was hilarious. Jenny’s smirk in her final scene was less Queen Bee, more psycopath. Sorry, Taylor Momsen, but you don’t hold a candle to Leighton Meester’s snarky goodness. Well, at least we know we’ll be treated to some delicious scenes of Blair clawing and scheming her way back to the top. Plus, GG producers/writers, you really need to develop this Serena+Chuck as siblings dynamic – it has golden potential.

  • newshound23

    You are so right about the elder Humphrey, Rufus! He is such a tool, and every time I he comes on screen I cringe. Spot on.

  • To amyzer

    Eric told Serena that he suspected that Jenny had overheard their conversation and told Nate. Not that Eric told Jenny.

  • mimi

    I do not believe that Chuck really is over Blair. I can’t wait for this show to come back on so I can see Dan again!

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