I have buckets of skill. Really. My bowl of worthless talents runneth over. And with all the new reality shows snapping at me like wet towels, I thought I’d take this opportunity to share with you some of my many useless abilities. Surely there must be some network interested in exploiting me for monetary gain.
I can eat an entire Entenmann’s Crumb Cake (ultimate or original, you pick) in under three and a half minutes. According to the box, there are six servings per cake. I’ve always considered serving size less of a suggestion and more of a challenge. I imagine this skill would be useful for a show like Biggest Eater or Hunger: The Search for America’s Most Insatiable Appetite. In my opinion, there are too many shows about exercise and not nearly enough shows encouraging obesity. Now, hand me that deep-fried Oreo.
I can bounce on a pogo stick, hands-free, while simultaneouslydribbling two basketballs and whistling the score of any Disney movieof your choosing. I can also make lay-ups, three-pointers, and theoccasional slam dunk while pogo’ing, and virtually no one believes meuntil I say, ”Oh yeah? I’ll prove it,” like a snot-nosed nine-year-old. Shouldn’t this skill be celebrated in some short of nationally televised forum?
I am very good at inadvertently hurting myself. I can predict lottonumbers seconds before they are announced. I instinctively know when tohit the car brakes without ever watching the road. I am excellent atopening tightly sealed jars. I can catch things with my eyes closed. Idemonstrate commendable precision and accuracy when using scissors. Imake very attractive paper airplanes that cannot fly. How aboutyou….do you find yourself wishing for a reality series to takeadvantage of your unremarkable talents? Pitch your fantasy reality showhere!
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Um Gretchen, they already have stuff like that. Ever hear of Joey Chesnut? The Black Widow?
I can identify a celebrity voice in commercials, documentaries, animated shows, you name it, within seconds of hearing them speak. I can perfectly sound like a dolphin, and speak with flying insects (bees really do leave you alone if you ask nicely).
What a stupid article. I am close to speechless. I think your talent is writing worthless articles.
I can be an unnecessarily juvenile and rude a-hole when leaving anonymous comments on message boards. Wait – I guess “cg” already listed that talent.
Go Harold go!
To Harold. It wasn’t anonymous. This is.
When I’m tired enough, I can construct whole sentences without a single specific noun! (“Can you hand me the thingy from that hoo-do-hoo in the, you know, thing?”) I can count to ten and curse in 7 languages. I can also second disses to snot-nosed anonymous posters on entertainment blogs. Thanks, Harold!
No matter where I go, or how long I’m at a particular place, I can always find where my car is parked. Always.
Maybe there can be a show where an unsuspecting group of people go in for a routine checkup, but instead have to survive a brutal test of physical and mental endurance…and then remember where they parked their car. First to find it wins, $20,000
I can read materials that are upside down. I suppose I could also read while upside down – never tried that!
Sorry you are eliminated. In the context of your sentence, Thingy is a noun. So are some of your other made up words. Thanks for playing.
I can recite all 50 states in less than 30 seconds…I can go 28 years without a paper cut…I can weasel out of paying overcharges at Blockbuster…I can forget what my wife asked me to do before she’s even finished asking me to do it…
I can sleep through anything. I take longer showers than anyone I know. I can talk my way backstage at concerts. I can hold entire conversations using only movie quotes– and I can do it in song lyrics, too. I can make the “duckbilled platypus” face that Julia Roberts makes in “Runaway Bride.” And I am awesome at Scattergories.
I am do fabulous Mr. Peepers and Mango impressions (from SNL), I can get huge bruises without ever realizing that I hurt myself, I can read things that are backwards, I can sing the lyrics to pretty much any song that I have heard more than once, same with movies.
I can say the alphabet backwards in less than five seconds
To: “To Martha” Martha specified “specific nouns”. Consult your hs english textbook for further details. And, yes, you are elminated and we thank you for your participation.
I can turn the world on with a smile. I can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. I can and I know it. With each glance and every little movement I show it.
I can plan scooter rallies and invented the Buzz Scooter Stereo. A show about the DC Sicks Scooter club would follow our misadventures and club drama as we plan the next Scootergate, rebuild our vintage Vespas and go riding like we’re cool.
Another show could be “trivial knowledge”, where folks call on me to get answers to their pop culture/sci fi questions.
More tv friendly is that I’m a regular looking guy with nerdy traits who managed to marry a “hot wife”. My ideal reality tv show would be of me teaching really geeky guys social skills while maintaining their inner geek. Every week we’d find a new geek, and would teach him some tricks to help his loser azz get a date.
Then in the recap episode six months later, we’d find out what dudes ended up getting some. It’d be perfect for Spike or G4.
My boyfriend does the FUNNIEST Stuart impression that anyone has ever heard. But,Michael McDonald is still on Mad TV and does not do anything else but that show.
I can chug down a bottle of water in about 5 seconds, and a can of juice/soda in 4.
I can grow great sinsemilla in a small space. The show would be called “Extreme Closet Makeover” and every week we’d set up a new grow room.
To add variety, all methods known to growers would be discussed (Hydroponic, Sea of Green, Screen of green, etc)
The show could film in Oakland, Amsterdam, Canada, India, Switzerland, Great Britain and a few clandestine spots elsewhere in the US. For the reunion episode, we’d stop by every house and would try out their buds.
Of course, a show like this could never air but I’m sure MTV would love it!
I can recite extraordinarily long poems from memory, and list the capital of every single country in the world (I was a geography major)
zfdwexbyj ngxtbhs jxfnoch orsypg wuymbzx untsv fsvu
But are you any good at math or science!!!!!
I can play three instruments, sing like a crooner, make everyone laugh, write amazing stories, poems, and even paint pictures with oils. So why am I stuck in dead end jobs, always cursed to quit for a better paying job that lasts as long as we wear our underwear? Don’t believe me, go to youtube.com/user/kingdom216 to watch my music videos, or poetry.com search for Steven King. Steven J., and Steven J.A. King. All of those poems are mine.
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