I have buckets of skill. Really. My bowl of worthless talents runneth over. And with all the new reality shows snapping at me like wet towels, I thought I’d take this opportunity to share with you some of my many useless abilities. Surely there must be some network interested in exploiting me for monetary gain.
I can eat an entire Entenmann’s Crumb Cake (ultimate or original, you pick) in under three and a half minutes. According to the box, there are six servings per cake. I’ve always considered serving size less of a suggestion and more of a challenge. I imagine this skill would be useful for a show like Biggest Eater or Hunger: The Search for America’s Most Insatiable Appetite. In my opinion, there are too many shows about exercise and not nearly enough shows encouraging obesity. Now, hand me that deep-fried Oreo.
I can bounce on a pogo stick, hands-free, while simultaneouslydribbling two basketballs and whistling the score of any Disney movieof your choosing. I can also make lay-ups, three-pointers, and theoccasional slam dunk while pogo’ing, and virtually no one believes meuntil I say, ”Oh yeah? I’ll prove it,” like a snot-nosed nine-year-old. Shouldn’t this skill be celebrated in some short of nationally televised forum?
I am very good at inadvertently hurting myself. I can predict lottonumbers seconds before they are announced. I instinctively know when tohit the car brakes without ever watching the road. I am excellent atopening tightly sealed jars. I can catch things with my eyes closed. Idemonstrate commendable precision and accuracy when using scissors. Imake very attractive paper airplanes that cannot fly. How aboutyou….do you find yourself wishing for a reality series to takeadvantage of your unremarkable talents? Pitch your fantasy reality showhere!
Um Gretchen, they already have stuff like that. Ever hear of Joey Chesnut? The Black Widow?
I can identify a celebrity voice in commercials, documentaries, animated shows, you name it, within seconds of hearing them speak. I can perfectly sound like a dolphin, and speak with flying insects (bees really do leave you alone if you ask nicely).
What a stupid article. I am close to speechless. I think your talent is writing worthless articles.
I can be an unnecessarily juvenile and rude a-hole when leaving anonymous comments on message boards. Wait – I guess “cg” already listed that talent.
Go Harold go!
To Harold. It wasn’t anonymous. This is.
When I’m tired enough, I can construct whole sentences without a single specific noun! (“Can you hand me the thingy from that hoo-do-hoo in the, you know, thing?”) I can count to ten and curse in 7 languages. I can also second disses to snot-nosed anonymous posters on entertainment blogs. Thanks, Harold!
No matter where I go, or how long I’m at a particular place, I can always find where my car is parked. Always.
Maybe there can be a show where an unsuspecting group of people go in for a routine checkup, but instead have to survive a brutal test of physical and mental endurance…and then remember where they parked their car. First to find it wins, $20,000
I can read materials that are upside down. I suppose I could also read while upside down – never tried that!
Sorry you are eliminated. In the context of your sentence, Thingy is a noun. So are some of your other made up words. Thanks for playing.
I can recite all 50 states in less than 30 seconds…I can go 28 years without a paper cut…I can weasel out of paying overcharges at Blockbuster…I can forget what my wife asked me to do before she’s even finished asking me to do it…
I can sleep through anything. I take longer showers than anyone I know. I can talk my way backstage at concerts. I can hold entire conversations using only movie quotes– and I can do it in song lyrics, too. I can make the “duckbilled platypus” face that Julia Roberts makes in “Runaway Bride.” And I am awesome at Scattergories.
I am do fabulous Mr. Peepers and Mango impressions (from SNL), I can get huge bruises without ever realizing that I hurt myself, I can read things that are backwards, I can sing the lyrics to pretty much any song that I have heard more than once, same with movies.
I can say the alphabet backwards in less than five seconds
To: “To Martha” Martha specified “specific nouns”. Consult your hs english textbook for further details. And, yes, you are elminated and we thank you for your participation.