Juno, Juno, Juno. Everywhere I turn these days, someone’s raving about Juno. It’s the movie of the season! It’s going to be this year’s Little Miss Sunshine! Ellen Page is destined for great things! Diablo Cody!
Well, you know what, people? I’m afraid to see Juno. And I’m scared to death of Ellen Page. I’d go so far as to admit that I harbor something of an irrational hatred toward her (though I’m sure she’s a lovely human being). Because roughly eight months ago, I made the mistake of putting Hard Candy in my Netflix queue.
Here’s the premise: A 14-year-old (Page, pictured) begins an online flirtation with a 32-year-old man (Patrick Wilson) that ultimately results in a face-to-face date and an eventual trip to his home, where she decides to expose him for the potential pedophile that he is. Great. Fine. Sounds promising. Only it isn’t. Because–spoiler alert!–the scary-smart teenager is so hellbent on punishing her would-be suitor that she eventually ties him up and begins a sick, twisted game of psychological and physical torture—wait, she can’t really be cutting his balls off, can she?!??!—that wants to be perversely entertaining but is instead morally repulsive, ideologically empty, and utterly disgusting. Page gives a bravura performance, no doubt, but Candy is so void of any ultimate meaning—and its so-called "protagonist" such an unlikable sadist—that I actually found myself rooting for the poor bum that she tied up and tortured! Thanks, Hollywood. First I cheered on Miss Mona when I was four years old, and now I’m sympathizing with pedophiles. Once again, you’ve screwed up my moral compass.
I finished Hard Candy–maybe I’m a sadist, too? or a masochist?–but I couldn’t throw it back soon enough. In fact, I think I may have run three blocks to the nearest mailbox just to get it out of my house that very afternoon. And I know what you’re thinking: You’re the idiot who rented it, Nicholas. Live with the fact and get over it. But I can’t. Because I want to love Ellen Page. And more than that, I really want to see Juno. Like, bad. And I can’t stop worrying that the minute Ellen Page pops up onscreen lookin’ all cute, I’m going to be unable to refrain myself from jumping out of my seat in a fit of fear, screaming "AAAAHHH IT’S THAT HATEFUL GIRL FROM HARD CANDY!!!" all the way to the theater exit.
Your turn to confess: Which movie do you regret putting in your Netflix queue, and how did it screw you up?
You couldn’t be more wrong about Hard Candy. Thanks, by the way, for ruining the most shocking scene for those who haven’t seen it. Ellen Page was phenomenal and it was a refreshing change from your run of the mill psychological thriller. Many will admit that while watching Dateline NBC they’ve rooted for such action to take place with these predators. If you haven’t seen the film, don’t let one wrongheaded review dissuade you.
The Holiday. 138 minutes of overblown art design and ridiculously contrived and un-comedic performances by not a single person who acts, reacts or speaks like anything resembling an earthling. Kate Winslet burns a lot of good will and Nancy Meyers should stay on strike.
i have hard candy in my queue right now. and i already knew about that scene.
Nicholas, you idiot. If having a clear moral compass were the only guide of a good movie, you would also HATE Chinatown, Casablanca, or the Godfather (Oh no! I’m sympathizing with the MAFIA?! Boo hoo!) Further, you clearly did not watch the whole thing, as it does have meaning and ideology, as well as fantastic performance by Page. A stupid article, made worse by an unneccessary spoiler. Nicholas, you idiot.
You’re not the only one who hated Hard Candy. I can’t believe I watched the whole thing. As for the worst movie I ever queued, I would say Babel takes the cake. What the heck was the point of this movie. Cate Blanchett’s down in about 2 minutes, some girl and Japan keeps flashing people, and chickens are running around without heads. That’s all I took from this international Crash wannabe. It was so depressing and overrated. Also, in terms of sheer boredom, I’ll go with the English Patient. I’ll agree with Elaine’s assessment: “Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already!”
Wow, Ryan, you clearly have sh** taste in movies.
I thought “Hard Candy” was shocking and raw — in the best sense. And Ellen Page was fantastic.
Let me add my voice to the chorus of those chastizing you for serving up the spoiler about a key scene. It’s fine to talk about “The Crying Game” now because that came out in 1992 and anyone who cares already knows about that one. But “Hard Candy” just came out last year — in VERY limited release — and its buzz is still floating around enough to get some people who know nothing about it to rent it.
You are totally right about Hard Candy, it’s hard to feel sorry for someone that is as evil as the bad guy. Also, The Abandoned was disappointing, as was Wrong turn 2- dead end. I miss hooror movies that were just scary, not all this -rip your guts out and feed them too you- crap. All these movies with torture scenes in them are turning me away from thrillers and moving towards more comedies and dramas. It seems like horror movies are becoming more and more like bad porn movies, it’s all just about the shock or money shot bits and no plot is even necessary anymore. Well, I would like to see a movie that has a storyline and can also be scary or leaves you on the edge of your seat wondering what’s going to happen. I’m sick of putting my hands over my eyes so I don’t get nauseous for over half of a movie.
Hard Candy is good.
In addition to having terrible taste in movies, Nick, you’re a jerk. “Hard Candy” was terrific. But if you didn’t like it, turn it off, take it out of the DVD player, and pop it in the mail. It won’t increase your Netflix bill for the month by even a penny.
Happiness. Holy crap, Todd Solondz is a sick puppy. I know it’s cool to be edgy and all that, but that movie was just crap.
Nicholas, I haven’t seen “Hard Candy”, but since I’m a human being, I’m willing to allow you to have an opinion about it.
As for the worst Netflix decision of my life, that would be “Daredevil”, hands down. My thought process: “It’s a superhero movie! I like superhero movies! Except “The Hulk”! And “Catwoman”! And Fantastic Four! But this one can’t be as bad as that, can it?”
Oh yes. Oh yes it can. I sold two hours of my life for the opportunity to watch Ben Affleck walk around in a red spandex/leather jumpsuit and spout lines so bad they should have burned his mouth on the way out. The results: a near-irreversible loss of respect for Ben Affleck, and an inability to ever watch “Alias” again without remembering Jen Garner frantically trying to keep her boobs from falling out of that ridiculous costume.
I regret putting “Elizabethtown” on my Netflix list. Now I no longer have a crush on Orlando Bloom!
I’m totally off topic, but thanks for an excuse to watch the Miss Mona video at work today. Now, I’ll be singing all day long.
Can’t remember the name of the movie, but it has Ethan Suplee from “Earl” in it and there’s a clown played by Dante from “Clerks”. They tie him down and rape him…
I still have nightmares.