The news of Professor Albus Dumbledore’s newly revealed homosexuality got me thinking.
MARC: Hey, brain.
BRAIN: Yo quiero Cherry Coke Zero.
MARC: Yeah, I know. But you were telling me before about which other fictional characters you want to be gay.
BRAIN: Ah, that. Yes, I had five ideas. Four, really, and one that we all already know is gay but just haven’t really admitted to ourselves.
MARC: Please, continue while I walk us to the fridge for that refreshing beverage you asked for.
BRAIN: Obi-Wan Kenobi. Totally gay. It’s all there in the text: palled around for years with a young apprentice, broke up when said apprentice got evil, never made a move on the apprentice’s hot secret wife/beard, was eventually forced to take him down. Just like Dumbledore…sort of.
MARC: Who else?
BRAIN: Wonder Woman. Comes from an island populated entirely by women. The Greeks had an island like that. They called it, ahem, Lesbos. (History has no place in this conversation. Just go with me.)Super-tough, thinks that bondage leads to truth.
MARC: Doesn’t it?
BRAIN: Rosco P. Coltrane.
MARC: Who?
BRAIN: Dukes of Hazzard. Crazy sherrif dude. Always chasing after them Duke boys. Always.
MARC: Now you’re just reaching.
BRAIN: Silent Bob. From Clerks uno y dos. Spends all day, every day, with his "hetero life-partner" Jay. Recently on the cover of A Bear’s Life magazine. Which is not about wildlife.
MARC: But that was Kevin Smith, promoting a gay-themed documentary, not the character saying he was gay.
BRAIN: Quicker with that soda, Lion-O. And, finally, the one we already knew was gay, Ernie.
MARC: From Sesame Street?
BRAIN: From Sesame Street.
MARC: Yeah, I’ll give you that one.
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Xena. ‘Nuff said.
Obi-Wan also had what looked like an extremely tender and loving relationship with Qui-Gon Jinn, before and even after his death. Yeah, I’m thinking Obi-Wan was gay.
Nice one Marc!
But Ernie is not trapped, Ernie is out. Bert is the closet case! DId you not see Avenue Q?
TRAPPED IN THE HOGWARTS CLOSET
Dean and Seamus
Draco
Prof. Trelawney
Prof. Flitwick
ALSO TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET
Sylar
Mohinder and Parkman (“my 2 dads”)
Dr. Mc Steamy
House
Nick Stokes
The Winchester Boys
Teal’c
Col. Jack O’Neill
Timon and Pumbaa
Lex Luthor
Frodo
Legolas is out.
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III from Magnum PI. The way he would look at Magnum’s butt when Magnum would walk away.
The Professor on “Gilligan’s Island.” He had two hot chicks chasing after him and still said no?
B. A. Baracus, Mr.T’s character in the A-Team. He never really had a woman and his “close” friend with Murdock was questionable.
Dave Coulier “Joey” on Full House.
The Family Guy Star Wars episode may have pushed your brain towards the Obi Wan Kenobi outing.
In high school I had an hour long discussion with a friend on why Bert and Ernie weren’t lovers because it hurt the little kid in me to think of them as anything but completely assexual.
And as for Dumbledore, I just wish that if she wanted to have someone come out, she would have let Remus and Sirius be the couple they were instead of making Tonks a pointless beard and going so far as to give them a child and have her orphan story come full circle.
We must not forget two of my childhood characters that graced my television….. Dr. Smith from Lost in Space who continuely complained ‘The Pain…The Pain”…and the boy in HR Punfinstuff who had a talking flute and was being chased by the clumsy witch…
How about Statler and Waldorf, the two old guys from the Muppets?!
Oh Anna you are so right, Lupin and Sirius are a lovely couple! And Tonks should have ended up with a hot Veela. And let’s not forget Dobby!
ALSO TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET
Chewbacca (unrequited Solo-love)
Mickey Mouse
E.T.
Lt. Dan in Forrest Gump
Twiki and Dr. Theopolis
Milhouse
Sideshow Bob
Lt. Felix Gaeta in Battlestar Galactica
President Laura Roslin in Battlestar Galactica
Feyd Harkonnen
SpongeBob and Patrick
Cheetah
Odo in Star Trek, Clayton Runnymede Endicott III in Benson, Chef Louis in The Little Mermaid, and every other character ever played by Rene Auberjonois.
Mr. Rogers? The sweaters, the loafers, the gentle singing…
Carlton Banks! Who else wears argyle?
C-3PO/R2-D2
Remus/Sirius
Felix Gaeta (BSG)
I haven’t read all the posts, so forgive me if these have already been posted. First off, there’s all the men on Gilligan’s Island, hello? Nobody ever hooks up? Mr. Howell was married, but he was the prissiest of the all!
Next up is a slew of household help. Didn’t anyone ever wonder why they didn’t have families of their own?
Alice from Brady Bunch, Mr. French from Family Affair, Mr. Belvedere, uncle Charley from My Three Sons, the list goes on and on…
How about any character played by Rene Auberjonois?
Ken. 40 years with Barbie and no marriage? Suspicious..
Sideshow Bob’s brother (because David Hyde Pierce is gay).
Brain-Pinky and the Brain
Space Ghost
Brak
Huckleberry Hound
Snagglepuss
Squiddly Diddly
Peter Potomus
Ranger Smith
Vanity Smurf
Gargamel
Grover
The Koolaide Man
Timer (Time for a Timer
OG Readmore
Wishbone
Barney
Any character played by Brent Spinner
Mark-Lynn Baker
Uncle Arthur- Bewitched
Scooter from The Muppets
Cousin Oliver
Scar from The Lion King
You can’t say Alice because she eventually hooked up with Sam the Butcher.
Natalie and Jo
Stewie Griffin (Family Guy) (but that’s not a surprise!)
John-
Odo wasn’t gay! HE LOVED KIRA HELLO.
I think Ando from Heroes is definitely bi-curious. But you could say that about any side-kick, really. Who has that kind of devotion if they’re not harboring some deep, shameful feelings?
Hey Strepsi, the funny thing about “Avenue Q” was that “Nicky” was straight and “Rod” was closeted (“My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada”) with a secret thing for Nicky.
I’m kind of more interested in the platonic man love that’s showing up on TV these days, i.e. JD and Turk, House and Wilson, Ted and Barney, Michael and Dwight, etc. Fun stuff.
Jenny: You’re right about sidekicks -and you had me until “shameful”. Homosexual love and homo-social love (House etc.) ain’t shameful! That actually was the entire homophobic tipping point of 3:10 to Yuma, where the sidekick’s love became obvious so he had to be SHOT. Apparently they really are TRAPPED in the closet or they’ll be killed! Evil villains are redeemable, but homo sidekicks are not? Ugh.
Bert and Ernie. End of story!
And those two old guys from the muppets that always made fun of everyone. Totally gay!
Janice from the Muppets was a lesbo. “For sure, dude!”
A.C. Slater, Saved by the Bell.
Easy…Bugs Bunny.
He was a frequent cross-dresser and ran around kissing dudes on the mouth whenever he got a chance. I don’t think anyone bought his “relationship” in recent years with Lola Bunny.
Sorry, there’s no way Wonder Woman is “in the closet”. Wonder Woman’s creator William Moulton Marston (aka Charles Moulton) modeled her after the two women in his life-his wife Elizabeth and lover Olive Byrne, who lived with William and his wife in a psydo-polygamist household.
Gaston from Beauty and the Beast (Disney version). He passed up the three hot blondes who were all over him, in favor of VERY publicly going after Belle, the only girl in town who wouldn’t take him. He then tries to kill her beast, thus ensuring that she will never really want to be with him. Then there is the way he sings “I use antlers in all of my decorating” with pointed toes.