There are moments, however brief, when I stop viewing The Bachelor as a tragicomic social experiment staged solely for my amusement, and get the sudden, sinking feeling that I’m watching real people with real psychological issues, experiencing very real pain on my TV screen. Like, for example, the end of last night’s episode, when Hillary, freshly jilted by Brad, had a sobbing, gasping, makeup-smearing meltdown (watch an abbreviated version of it, after the jump). Sad but true, Hillary’s cries of ”Why are you sending me home?" and "I just want to go away" stared to make me feel a little queasy. And her final, parting shot — "I wanted my dad to be proud of me!" — made me sincerely hope that the show’s producers set her up with some kind of post-show counseling.
Of course, if I’m being honest, my feelings of concern and sympathy lasted all of 8 seconds. And then I laughed and laughed and laughed. I mean, seriously. Hillary wanted her dad to be proud? The same Hillary who, in the midst of a pool-party with Brad, confessed to the cameras, "I would let him ravish me any time," and then followed it up with a tirade that was ostensibly so blue, ABC’s censors not only bleeped out the sound, but also blurred Hillary’s mouth like it was some kind of errant Nike logo. What could Hillary have said that was so skeezy, ABC didn’t want to risk innocent toddlers lip-reading it?
Oh, and speaking of things ABC should’ve bleeped, how about dim Sheena’s ear-curdling poem to Brad? If you have any love for the English language, or you’re about to eat lunch, you might want to skip to the next paragraph. Otherwise, I give you Sheena’s opening four lines:
I love your laugh, your smile, your touch
And the moles that run up your arm
The patch of blonde hair on your ears
Your goals, and most of all your charm
Okay, first of all, while props must be given for the mid-verse rhymescheme of moles and goals, dudes do not like beingcalled out on their ear hair. Secondly, why is Sheena obsessed with it?Third, how come she finds it romantic that Brad picked her up for adate, then tried to dress her up like she was Malibu Barbie? Does shelet him choose her undergarments, too? Not that I should expectenlightenment from a woman who can’t tell her ass from her face.Literally. That scene of Sheena coming down the stairs and dropping toher butt was hilarious, but no more so than her declaration, "I fell onmy face!" No. No you did not.
Anyhow, as we head into the hometown dates, I’m guessing Bettina is onher way out. Brad keeps robo-spouting words like "sincere" and"comfortable" when he’s with her, but aside from that moment she toldhim she wanted his hands on her (nasty!), the bachelor looks downrightdrowsy whenever they’re together.
I’m guessing it’ll come down to DeAnna, the sharpest, funniest womanleft in the competition, and Jenni, whose chipmunk wave to Sheenabefore the latter’s one-on-one date was the most annoying moment of theseason. And no, I cannot explain what I mean by chipmunk wave, I justknow it when I see it. There’s something creepy and conniving aboutJenni. Who did she think she was acting all haughty when Bettina made athrowaway remark about having a sucky date with Brad? I can’t wait todance a jig when she’s rejected at the final rose ceremony.
How ’bout you? Who are you hoping will "win" this season of TheBachelor? Was it just my TV, or do the producers need to make sure Bradslathers on the SPF before his outdoor dates? And how long before oneof the "lay-dees" breaks the stem off a champagne glass, wields it likea weapon, and takes her spot by force at a rose ceremony?
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ooooooh, scary hillary. hope she gets the help she needs.
Is this show trying to compete with I Love New York? Tacky outdoing tacky.
FIRSTIES!
I’ve been rooting for Sheena for the past couple of weeks and bad poetry aside, I’m still rooting for her. She’s actually likable unlike the other she-beasts on the show. Yay for guilty pleasures that cater to my cynical side.
I’m sure Hillary’s proud that he raised such a W*hore!
I’m sure Hillary’s daddy is proud that he raised such a W*hore!
What I love about this show is that the producers (wink wink) are in on the joke. That’s why they show so much embarassing footage, from Sheena’s slip on the stairs, to all the psycho moments. They don’t want to cast a bunch of normal girls – besides how many “normal” girls would do a dating reality show where they swap spit with a guy who is swapping spit with all the roomies?
dear lord – with escalating warning signs of global catastrophe, why can’t we have more confirmation that the human race is worth saving.
The Hillary meltdown was some what not as good as I had anticipated, after all the build up. Note to Hill – get some waterproof mascara if you’re going to boo hoo on national TV.
The Sheena slip on the stairs on the other hand was so much funnier in context than out. I gave myself a headache laughing over that one !
I hope all those heiffers get a clue and stop pining for a man who’s not going to marry any of those girls anyway. The whole show makes me embarrassed to be a woman.
I think Sheena is going to win it. Jenni is too obvious, DeAnna is the “villian” this season. They haven’t shown much of Sheena until the later episodes, which is classic Bachelor editing. Bettina is out next week.
Slezak, you rule. I haven’t had a chance to watch this episode, but your comments were HI-larious. Keep up the good work. And I’m rooting for Sheena. She seems funny (although she looks way older than the 23 she claims to be).
DeAnna has it in the bag to get to the final 2. I hope Bettina’s out next week…she’s a snore. But, I think they are showing that Brad seems to be in on the joke of the show this season. And thank goodness they showed Sheena falling…it was hilarious and completely human! We all make a$$es of ourselves at some point!
Note to Christy – if you want to be assured not to get a rose, just exclude yourself ENTIRELY from all interaction while on a date. Lame. Perhaps she has some sort of hydrophobia.
Too bad Hillary’s so crazy, because she does have a cute face and a hot body. Ah well.
What a hoot it was to watch the wheels come off the particular brand of crazy that Hilary is. The one thing that is even more scary? I believe she’s a nurse. Could you imagine having her come in your hospital room to treat you? Run…run!
I don’t even watch this show but I love reading Slezak’s recaps. They are so hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!
Moles?? Seriously? Bettina is out next week. Jenny’s never-ending giggling is starting to wear on me, but I still kinda like her. Sheena and Jenni are my pick for the final two.
I’m rooting for Deanna. I sort of like Bettina, but she’s so wimpy and boring.
Hillary is a nut case who apparently has some daddy issues, hope she’s getting some therapy. But can we talk about sleazy at the pool party…how about Brad wanting to kiss DeAnna but wouldn’t because they could be seen by the others and then he takes Jenni to the beach for a make-out session instead. I think it’s kinda tacky to kiss any of the women when you are on a group date anyway.
Good times, good times!
Silly girl. Doesn’t she know that haiku is the way to a man’s heart?
Love is everything
Body hair, moles, random twin
How much do you make?
WOW, this is certainly the most pathetic group of women ever. They are so desperate to land this guy as their meal ticket, it is amazing. As for the “winner”, I think this guy chose Jenni on day 2 and she knows it. No other “Bachelor” has given as clear body language signs as this one.
i cannot believe people are still watching this drivel!
I’m with you Slezak-that Daddy comment was creepy.
Love the haiku DaisyJ
I could not believe how dense Hilary was being every time Brad tried to talk with her about his “just friends” vibe. Talk about going way over your head…no wonder she was so surprised not to get a rose. “I can’t breathe”…how embarrassing for her.
But I LIKE drivel!!!!
Whenever DeAnna talks, I can’t help but feel like I’m hearing the voice of Hilary Swank’s character Brandon Teena in the movie, “Boys Don’t Cry”.
Southern, yet harsh and manly!
She is so beautiful and cute. Unlike the pics she posted on the celeb and millionaire singles club millionairecupid.com. Those pics make her hotter and attractive. I saw many fans have chatted with her to enhance the communication with her weekly.
Love the Haiku!!! Says it all….
Sheena is dull. Whenever she doesn’t have anything interesting to say (which is most of the time) she asks Brad for a hug. Brad is relying too much on his brother’s opinion of her.
Brad is starting to look better. The entire season he looked unkempt, and none of his shirts fit him aroungd the neck.