Rumor of the week: Britney Spears will be the opening act at this year’s VMAs. Good news for folks who like to take long, leisurely drives past traffic accidents, but not so much for Britney loyalists (a few still exist, I presume) who’d like to see the "Toxic" singer return to the top of the Billboard charts. I mean, at this point in her career trajectory, Britney’s place in the pop-culture hierarchy is somewhere between "national punchline" and "crazy lady in hotel lobby." I was chatting with a couple of friends over dinner last night, and we concluded that not even a Linda Perry-penned, Timbaland-produced track with a guest rap by Kanye West and backing vocals by Christina Aguilera (as if!) could restore Britney’s musical credibility. So why take the VMA stage when they’re all gonna laugh at her?
Then again, one might ask: How’s a single mother of two supposed to make a living? If I were Britney’s manager, I’d start with a tranquilizer dart plan to restore some mystery to the one-time sex symbol’s public persona. Step one: Disappear to rural Montana, or the hills of Vermont, or a farm in Arkansas, and lead a life so mundane, so quiet, that even the few paparazzi who follow her will wind up bored — and more importantly, deprived of a viable source of income. Stay out of the public eye for a good six to nine months, while eating well, working out regularly, and spending some quality time with the kids. (Hey, it could happen.) Take secret meetings with an up-and-coming producer (think someone like Rich Harrison, circa Beyoncé’s "Crazy in Love"), but sign the person to a confidentiality agreement so he or she can’t publicly discuss the project. And just when everyone’s thisclose to forgetting you even exist, unveil your new look (new wig please!), your new bod, and your new music as the opening act at the VMAs…in 2008, naturally. Hey, crazier things have happened. (Remember when "Mambo No. 5" was a hit?)
Then again, maybe Britney’s past her musical expiration date, and ought to consider signing up for the best season of The Surreal Life ever. You make the career call in the comments section below.
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I used to think Britney was trying to be trashy, so her comeback would be even better. Now I just think she’s trashy and obviously has no chance at a comeback.
The best (and only) thing she could do right now to save is go away for a couple years, not show her face (or underwear) in public and then make a comeback when maybe people will have forgotten how trashy she is.
If I ran Britney’s career, I would STAB her, since I’m soooo tired of seeing and hearing about her acting a fool around Hollywood.
She needs some help. We all wish that she would disappear and get it together, but I think that’s not going to happen until she completely runs her career into the ground and realizes that she’s not all that and a bag of chips after all.
go away…far far away, for a long time.
Brittney has never had a normal life, from being a kidon disney to a young adult showing her hoo-ha allover the internet.
she should pull a madonna, move to another country, take care of her kids, then…maybe the public might be interested in her again.
Any exposure rght now is bad exposure. Just go away
Definitly needs to go away. whether it is forever or a year or so. Maybe all her trips to crazytown are because she knows her career was based on a fake. she can’t sing without it being augmented, can’t dance, can’t act. she’s acting out so noone will notice these things. You need to have talent to have a comeback.
I’d say to Britney what I said to Ben Affleck. How can we miss you if you won’t go away? Britney, for the love of all that is good and holy…pack up your wigs, put away your lady bits, and take the kids some place clean and quiet where there isn’t a club, barber shop, puppy pound, or Paris Hilton in sight. I hear the Canadian wilderness is lovely this time of year and they seem to have space available.
How about a lobotomy?
I fervently hope her career is over, but if I were her manager I’d advise her to take at least two years off, move away from NY or LA to a non-star-studded locale, grow her hair back, learn to dress decently, TAKE VOICE LESSONS, get therapy, and generally get her act together. Then she should get some good producers/songwriters and make an album with more substance than anything she’s done so far. After all, Madonna wouldn’t have made it as far as she did if she just made “Lucky Star” over and over again.
Then she should do a tour of small clubs where she wears nice clothes and ACTUALLY SINGS LIVE.
Of course, none of this will ever happen. Britney has clearly lost whatever work ethic she ever had to being with. She seems to think coasting on fumes is enough.
the only reason the VMAs hired britney is b/c it was cheaper than hiring a clown, & much more entertaining. if i was in charge of her career, i would force her to give the kids to k-fed (probably still not a suitable parent, but anything is better than the hell theyve been living through now) & i then i would take britney outside & shoot her. animals w/ rabies are a danger to society
the only reason the VMAs hired britney is b/c it was cheaper than hiring a clown, & much more entertaining. if i was in charge of her career, i would force her to give the kids to k-fed (probably still not a suitable parent, but anything is better than the hell theyve been living through now) & i then i would take britney outside & shoot her. animals w/ rabies are a danger to society
Just go away. I don’t think anything can save her career now. It’s not a good sign when you can actually think K-Fed would make a better parent to those two little boys. I can’t help but think how Justin Timberlake must thank God everyday he got away from that train wreck.
You notice something the manger see has now make sure she does something stupid every time the Insider doesn’t talk about her like when Anna Smith died Britney goes and shaves her head that weekend so what i would do is make her do something so crazy that no one would be able to take away her spotlight and she would eventually get sick of it and do things like Clay Aiken!
don’t you all know she’s not a girl and not yet a woman?!?!!?
seriously tho, 5 years ago i would never have thought i would utter these words, but less britney would be a wonderful thing. public meltdown after public meltdown is simply disturbing. she needs to relocate to where noone can find or hear from her for at LEAST a year, if not more. settle the divorce and get outta dodge.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’m rooting for Britney. I know she can’t sing, but neither can most of the ’singers’ of the MTV generations(hello Madonna?). I still like her music.
My advice would be for her to get out of LA and get her life back in order. Take the better part of a year. Then make a comeback CD, to be released at the end of next year or the beginning of ‘09. I know it’s a longshot, but I think it’s only her shot. Good luck, Brit. Oh, one more thing: STAY SINGLE!!!!!!!
If I was Britney’s PR person I’d make her relocate to a secluded place, get well, and take care of her kids. She doesn’t need a music career…we’re so over America Pop Princesses. Who cares? She’s a mother now, that should be her main priority. And who handles her press? They suck at it. Take care of your kids, Britney.
Sarah, you are so right!! J.T. must be thanking his lucky stars.
Joe C., on top of staying single, I would add MAKE SURE THE BABY FACTORY IS CLOSED FOR BUSINESS!!!
I agree with the going away bit. But for the comback…How about a reality show along the lines of “Scott Baio is 45….” I am LOVING Scott Baio, which I have not done since I was about 9. Britany! We love you…but please, go away and get some help. Also, please consult a stylist (Tim GUNN – help her!).
Poor crazy Britney. She and Lindsey Lohan should go to the MOntanna countryside together. They can combine their emotional therapy and drug rehab. Get some nice clean country living and fresh air… Then they can return- Or not. But watching their headlong leaps into self destruction is actually quite depressing.
I know this much: us in Louisiana do NOT want her back. She’s only trying so hard to keep the spotlight on herself and be included because Justin is in such high-demand. She feels the need to be out there if he is…..clear and simple. She needs to stop. Take a holiday. Go wow the crowds in Japan or the Netherlands, somewhere where they would like her music yet haven’t seen and/or heard of her exploits every day for the past
billion years….
That pic with her idiotic look-at-me smile says it all, she’s not playing with a full deck. Needs to go away and never come back, she’s done like dinner. Her kiddy fanbase is all grown up and nobody cares about her anymore and her “talent” was always well below average. Britney knows this only too well and she’s petrified, knows her star is tarnished. Even my tweenie nieces think Britney (and Lindsay Lohan) are spoilt and losers and can’t stand them! Now that these gals have lost the tweens/teens fanbase, they’re finito.
I still think her best bet is to retreat out of the limelight for a couple years and then come back in the country/christian market, with a “I done wrong, but now Jesus is alright with me” album. I really think it’s about the only chance for her.
rosie o’donnell has invited the girl into her house.
can you imagine, brit living with such a happy and functional family?
chilled out
learned how to raise babies
and laughed A LOT
then come out and make fun of herself
Even though Britney is pretty much a sorry excuse for a person these days, I will defend her by saying she has NEVER known how to dress…and it didn’t really slow her down. So, she doesn’t really need a stylist as much as people think.
1. I’d get Jo Frost to have a serious chat with her.
2. I’d make Britney go to a college or a junior college. This way she has a second career to fall back on and stable income for her two children. Apparently she still thinks that they are Cabbage Patch Dolls. I am sure that Kevin seems to be the more resposible one in this situation (logically both of them are not the brighest stars in the sky but still)but his dance career is long over and he is going to support his children by working in a garage?! I don’t think so.
Britney should have enough money that she never needs to work again. She should probably focus on raising her kids for the next 20 years. (Yes, some people can work and do a fine job of raising their children, but I think it’ll take all of her concentration.) She’s pretty much a cross between Courtney Love and Michael Jackson, so I don’t see much hope for her making a comeback.
Wear clothes that cover the belly.
Let her real hair grow out and stop wearing ugly wigs and weaves.
Stop going out to party so often.
Take the kids to the park or playground and not the fancy restaurants late at night.
Stay home and relax. She’s had a very busy couple of years and should just chill out; set her priorities.
Find good therapists that her kids can see when they’re old enough.
I can’t give comeback advise since I have no idea what made her a star in the first place. 1999 was a very weird year.
First off, spay her.
Secondly, send her to the moon on the next Endeavor shuttle mission (with the rest of the pack). With a little luck, NASA will run out of money or the space program will fold before we have a chance to bring her back.
She should just get it over with and do the Playboy pictorial that she’ll end up doing 10 years from now anyways.
Ames: Very funny!
#1-Girlfriend likes the drama, she likes the papps, she won’t disappear
#2-she needs major psychotherapy
#3-she needs a good f*** and then she’ll be OK