Heat-packing velociraptors and other signs of fourquel suckage

Dern_lIf Star Wars IV: A New Hope does not count, then what’s the greatest fourquel — that is, third sequel — in movie history? That’s easy: Indiana Jones IV. Although Spielberg is still shooting it, and the movie doesn’t come out till next May, I already know it’s gonna be the best fourquel anybody’s ever seen. I’m a believer.

After all, the only competition I can think of off the top of my head is Thunderball, or maybe Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. That’s because fourquels are tough. Even when they’re decent — a word that perfectly describes both Lethal Weapon IV (hey, I liked it!) and Live Free or Die Hard — they’re still not quite as good as the three movies that preceded them. Most fourquels, actually, are horrible — see Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Jaws: The Revenge, The Next Karate Kid, etc.

Jurassic Park IV, to judge from what Bloody-Disgusting.com says it has uncovered about the upcoming production, looks like it will proudly carry on the hallowed tradition of fourquel suckage. The website reports that Sam Neill — who turned up for Jurassic Park III — is sitting this one out, but Laura Dern’s paleobotanist Ellie Sattler (pictured) will be back. What’s noteworthy is the claim that the movie is about how the government "has trained dinosaurs to carry weapons and use them for battle purposes." So velociraptors will be strapped, gangsta-style? No way. This can’t be true, can it? But if it is, T-Rex needs to travel exclusively via jet-pack.

addCredit(“Jurassic Park: Everett Collection”)

Comments (36 total) Add your comment
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  • Raven_Moon

    Wow, I hope the rumors about Jurrassic Park aren’t true. That’s sounds absolutely dreadful.
    As for good “foruquels,” I rather liked “Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire.” Although, “Prisoner of Azkaban” remains my favorite of the series.

  • Jarett

    Is it just me? I always thought that dinosaurs’ god-given razor sharp teeth, switch-blade claws and gargantuan proportions were more intimidating than a gun! Plus, how do they get their non-opposable thumbs to hold the gun and pull the trigger????

  • conor

    Come on, Rocky IV?! It has Bridgette Nielson and an actor playing Gorbachev. It is so bad that it is amazing.

  • Ben

    I’d argue that Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is the best movie in the series and best fourqual of all….

  • jill

    I’m with you Conor. That was the first one I thought of. Plus where else can you hear very bad Russian accents?
    “If he dies, he dies.”

  • jordan

    Isn’t “Batman & Robin” considered a fourquel? I actually thought it was better than “Batman Forever” with the non-expressive Val Kilmer and the double- whammy crazy guys Two-Face and Riddler.

  • Paul Ketz

    How about Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire? I liked that movie and it was as good as the previous films.

  • Scotto

    “Live Free Or Die Hard” easily trounced the third film in that series, which sucked so badly that I have blocked its title and most everything about it from my memory.

  • daisyj

    I am, at this moment, down on my knees (figuratively, anyway) praying to whatever god is available that this is true, because c’mon, dinosaurs with guns? So. Freakin’. Awesome.

  • Kaoru

    Come on…Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home was *awesome*. Great plot (save the humpback wales + time travel!), great comedy (Scotty talking into a computer mouse), and lots of great sci-fi (let’s sling-shot around the sun to travel back in time!). Anyway, it’s my favourite Star Trek movie and I’m insulted that the franchise was totally ignored.

  • graeme

    Yeah that just seems too weird to be true.
    Who cares? Laura Dern is finally back in the series. I’ll be there.
    Here’s hoping they get a better director than Joe Johnston this time around.

  • David

    That’s actually been a rumour for…well, right after JP3 was released. I remember a supposed “script review” surfacing on Ain’t It Cool News years ago, talking about genetically hybrid dinos with guns. The cool thing was that allegedly opened with pteranadons (the flying ones) appearing at a Little League game!

  • sarah

    I remember reading an article a looong time ago that suggested Kiera Knightley was attached to Jurassic Park 4…I guess (and kind of hope) that fell through.
    Anyways, You know it’s only a matter of time until Disney comes out with Cinderella 4, and it will add to the “fourquel suckage” too.
    But, as for a fourquel that isn’t terrible, I have to agree that Lethal Weapon 4 is completely elevated by Chris Rock. I mean when he talks about losing his cell phone, it’s pretty hilarious.

  • sarah

    Oh, yeah, and Laura Dern must be pretty hard up for work these days. I guess she spends too much time in trees…

  • Brandie

    I agree. Rocky IV KICKS ASS! The Russian is a hottie and Brigette Nelson is ice cold. WAAAY better than Rocky III.

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