Overheard on the CSI: Miami set (in my mind): A conversation between star David Caruso (pictured), who has not scored a single Emmy nomination during the show’s five-season run (although he got one for NYPD Blue back in 1994), and executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer.
Bruckheimer: David, how are you doing? Have you recovered from your Emmy snub?
Caruso: I’m doing okay, Jerry. Thanks for asking.
Bruckheimer: Don’t mention it.
Caruso: Now that you bring it up, though, Jerry, I’ve been doing some soul-searching. Trying to figure out how Emmy voters manage to overlook me year after year after year.
Bruckheimer: I know! It doesn’t make sense.
Caruso: [Putting on shades.] Or… does it?
Bruckheimer: David?
Caruso: Here’s the thing, boss. I think we need to do… a very special episode
Bruckheimer: Nice! Like a crossover with The Unit?
Caruso: Not exactly, Jerry. Not exactly.
Bruckheimer: So what are you thinking?
Caruso: Picture this: The episode opens, and I’m crouched low, looking meaningfully into the eyes of a little girl, maybe five, six years old. Her stripper mother lies dead in a pool of blood in the background. I put my hand on her shoulder and say, "Young lady, we’re going to find the monsters who did this to your mommy." And she says, "Monsters? You mean like the boogie man in the basement?" And then I say, "Yes, sweetheart, but this time… [Taking off shades.] … he’s got nowhere to hide."
Bruckheimer: Okay, but what makes that different from the seven-other kid-centric episodes we did last season?
Caruso: Ah, but wait, Jerry. Here’s where it gets interesting.
Bruckheimer: Okay, I’m listening.
Caruso: This time, instead of passing off the child to the nice peopleat social services, I decide the only way to protect her is to keep herby my side at all times. So she shadows me through the whole episode.Almost like "take your daughter to work day."
Bruckheimer: Or "take the traumatized child to work day," if you will.
Caruso: YES! First, I can take her to her mother’s autopsy. But itwon’t scar her for life, because as Khandi Alexander cuts into thecorpse, she’ll refer to it as "sweetheart," "baby," and other variousterms of endearment.
Bruckheimer: Then what?
Caruso: Then, we’ll drop by the ballistics lab, where we’ll outfit thelittle girl with a pair of pint-sized, protective headphones, whileEmily Procter fires a few rounds into a wall, to test the bulletstriations. Maybe we’ll let the kid fire a couple shots, lighten themood a little.
Bruckheimer: Okay, go on…
Caruso: Finally, we’ll find some excuse for Adam Rodriguez to take offhis shirt and dive into a local lagoon, to retrieve some evidence, or something.
Bruckheimer: Of course.
Caruso: And then at the very end, the killer will somehow get his handson the little girl, use her as a human shield in a showdown with theentire force. And that’s where I’ll get to give a big, impassionedmonologue about a child’s innocence and the fleeting nature of life.
Bruckheimer: Before blowing the perp’s head off?
Caruso: Either that, or I’ll follow the perp to Rio!
Bruckheimer: Viewers love it when you go to Brazil.
Caruso: I KNOW!
Bruckheimer: There’s just one thing I’m not getting.
Caruso: What’s that?
Bruckheimer: Well, if it’s a very special episode, shouldn’t there be some pyrotechnics? At least one big explosion?
Caruso: Oh, there’ll be an explosion all right… [Putting on shades.] … an explosion of emotions.
Bruckheimer: Oh, David, I smell a ratings bonanza.
Caruso: And I… I smell an Emmy.
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*hurk*
The sad thing is….it wouldn’t shock me if this episode actually happened, now that you’re giving them ideas, Slezak. He needs no encouragement!
It will rather snow in Miami before Caruso will even come NEAR an Emmy nomination, left alone get awarded with one. i’m loving it. Great Post.
And of course, as the show ends Caruso looks at the little girl and says “sweetie, your future’s so bright you gotta wear shades.”
Ugh, bravo Slezak – I could see this episode perfectly. This show has moved so very far beyond bad and must be stopped.
Please NO EMMY for Caruso ever….my sick canary has more talent in his feathers than Caruso!
The thing is I could hear that monotone/Adam West’s Batman David Caruso delivery in my head while reading this convo.
Well done, sir!
Damnit Slezak, now Caruso will see this and soon it will be on my TV.
Slezak my man, you’ve done it again.
This blog entry deserves an Emmy. It captures why I can’t watch CSI: Miami!
hahahahahahahahah
I <3 you for the phrase "an explosion of emotions" and this whole blog.
David Caruso is a legend in his own mind.
OMG – ha! ha! ha! Slezak you are BRILLIANT!
That was hilarious! It also perfectly captures why I don’t watch that show.
As bad as he is, I don’t think David C. is the worst part of the show. That belongs to Emily Proctor.
Caruso is a walking and talking joke. the ONLY person taking Caruso seriously is Caruso HIMSEL. No wonder every decent woman divorced him.
This needs to be bookmarked. Well done, Slezak.
Bwaaaaaah! You almost owe me a new keyboard. (Never drink while reading one of Sleak’s zingers) Caruso is the new Shatner. Ham with etra cheese.
Who is hammier? Caruso or Shattner? I don’t think anybody needs much time to decide. Caruso all the way. Now,if even EW makes fun of him times must bde really tough for Caruso. One of the best posts I read in a long time.
I made the mistake of reading the comments prior to the piece; then expected some level of humor. None here; exhaustingly sophomoric.
Then you obviously have no humor. This piece describes Caruso perfectly. No envy please….
PSSST……I think there is the ONE REMAINING Crauso fan amongst us…
…but the thing is, this post is so spot on, but most people cite that fact as to why they don’t watch CSI: Miami.
To me, Caruso’s utter nuttiness is THE reason to watch. At least it’s always interesting, unlike the bore-you-to-tears fest that is CSI:NY. I mean, if those actors walk around looking like they don’t give a damn, why should I?
See, I’m a CSI franchise fan (though I stopped watching the original, but that’s not the point). I posted links to this to every CSIverse fan I know because plenty of them don’t watch Miami for that exact reason, or they’ve embraced Horatio and would find this just as funny as I do. And so far? Most of them have loved this.
You know what would get him an emmy a guest star on Dr.Phil house the two biggest big shot on CBS i could see it now Dr.Phil “it looks like somebody” Caruso puting on sunglass “need to see the doctor and the doctor is in” Yeeaahh!
You are right. Caruso and Dr. Phil would make a fine pair. Funny enough, I just happen to watch an episode where Dr. Phil grilled a pour unruly soul. Just imagine Dr. Phil grilling Caruso. “So, David tell us – do you REALLY THINK your acting is really that great or do you think you could do better? What is your answer, David????
It would get the highest ratings for a show on TV ever.
Hysterical!
more scenes of a shirtless Adam Rodriguez please!!!! bwahahaha! And of course Emily Proctor… somehow she seems like a trannie in disguise. I hope somebody impersonates her next mardi gras or gay pride or something. hehehe.
CSI: Miami is a joke and so are all the talentless actors on it. David Caruso is such a jerk and he thinks he is so great. Adam Rodriguez is just a plastic ken doll, no talent and has bad taste in real life of women. His father knew somebody (a producer)and got him the part and Emily Proctor is about the only one who can kinda act. So the question has been answered-that’s why no emmy nod’s for them-they are all bad.