Don’t ever let anyone say I don’t care about you, PopWatch readers. Last night, I threw myself in front of a cinematic bullet for the sole purpose of making sure you’ll be fully informed as you stand around the water cooler and laugh with your friends about Lindsay Lohan’s deeply unpleasant new movie, I Know Who Killed Me. Sure, you’ve seen the trailer, and the spoofs of the trailer, but trust me, they can’t even begin to prepare you for this movie’s astronomical levels of jankitude.
Be warned: I am about to spoiler the bejeezus out of this dog, because you should not under any circumstance — not even in an ironic, ha-ha kind of way — see this revolting, amateurish movie. Not in theaters. Not on DVD. Not even on a 15-hour flight when you’ve finished a trifecta of InTouch, Us, and Star, and you don’t have anything better to do than close your eyes and feel enraged by that hyperactive toddler who keeps kicking the back of your seat. Seriously. I Know Who Killed Me is 105 minutes of your life you will never get back. It has five long scenes of featuring Lohan bound, gagged, and squealing in pain/terror, and three extended scenes of Lohan performing a lethargic striptease. Plus, I swear, 90 percent of the film’s props are a shade of blue: the roses Lindsay gets from her boyfriend, the gag the killer uses to suppress her screams, her shower scrunchie, her hospital sheets, her bedroom walls, her sweatpants, her MP3 player, the wrapper for the condom she uses with her boyfriend — all freakin’ blue.
Anyhow, if you want the low (and I do mean low) down on the entire craptacular, take the I Know Who Killed Me quiz — after the jump!
1. Lohan’s strip-club scenes are made all the more disturbing when:
(A) she lies on her back and forms a giant "V" with her legs
(B) she takes a skeezy patron’s cigarette, runs it along her thigh, thenreturns it to him so he can lazily run the length of it under his nose
(C) blood begins to drip down the pole she is in the process of "working"
(D) all of the above
2. During the film’s climactic moments, all of the following events occur except:
(A) A kindly owl guides Lohan’s character through the woods
(B) A jaunty possum distracts the killer from discovering Lohan’s character
(C) Lohan’s character makes a frantic 911 call
(D) Lohan’s character shatters a glass coffin with her prosthetic fist
3. A wave of nausea swept over me when:
(A) I finished a box of Cookie Dough Bites all by my lonesome
(B) Lohan’s "Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)" began to play during a particularly dramatic scene
(C) the killer removed a block of ice from Lohan’s character’sblue-black hand, peeling off layers of skin, then began sawing off saiddigits with a blue-glass blade
(D) all of the above
4. Lohan’s character’s beloved pet is a:
(A) tutu-wearing pug
(B) pot-bellied pig
(C) hairless cat
(D) boa constrictor
5. At one point, Lohan’s character visits Ask.com and searches the term:
(A) "box-office poison"
(B) "Yale admissions forms"
(C) "bleeding wounds unexplained"
(D) "how to make an American quilt"
6. All of the following stars make surprising appearances in I Know Who Killed Me except:
(A) YouTube sensation Lonelygirl 15
(B) Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz
(C) My Name Is Earl’s Darnell (Eddie Steeples)
(D) 24’s President Charles Logan (Gregory Itzin)
7. Lohan’s character utters all of the following lines except:
(A) "I know who killed me!"
(B) "I always felt like half a person with half a soul."
(C) "Daniel, I’m not Aubrey, I’m her twin!"
(D) "I can’t believe it’s not butter!"
8. The film’s deranged killer bears an eerie resemblance to a member of:
(A) Blue Man Group
(B) Lost’s notorious band of "Others"
(C) Menudo
(D) The View’s "Hot Topics" panel
9. While washing her hair, Lohan’s character is shocked to discover that:
(A) the killer is standing next to the linen cabinet
(B) her finger has turned gangrenous and bloody
(C) she is not a natural brunette.
(D) Suave really does work as well as those expensive salon brands.
10. The film’s shocking twist is that:
(A) Lohan’s kidnapped character Aubrey has never actually escapedcaptivity, but has imagined a rich fantasy world of a character namedDakota to help her endure weeks of heinous torture.
(B) After escaping her captor, Lohan’s character Aubrey creates a secondpersona named Dakota to help relay to FBI investigators the details ofher weeks of heinous torture.
(C) Lohan’s kidnapped character Aubrey has a secret twin named Dakotawho experiences "psychic stigmata" — a phenomenon where Dakota’s ownappendages inexplicably fall off whenever the killer cuts off Aubrey’scorresponding limbs — and Dakota comes to this realization just intime to save the day.
(D) Lohan’s deranged character Aubrey creates a rich fantasy life whereshe envisions herself as a murder victim, when in actuality, she isreally the killer!
Answers: 1-D; 2-C; 3-C; 4-C; 5-C; 6-B; 7-D; 8-A; 9-B; 10-C
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Can we PLEASE make Slezak the head movie critic of ew? I love these send ups of crappy movies!
I almost feel sorry for Lindsay. Rehab. Drug problems. More rehab. Then a coke fueled car jacking and frantic 911 call from the victim. Salt in the wound is that her comeback dramatic role turns out to be more of a craptacular torture fest than Elisha Cuthbert’s, which I heard was also pretty f’in bad. Could we please straighten this chica out, give her back red hair and maybe take her over to Drew Barrymore’s house for some schooling on how to correct a life gone bad? Please? Lindsay showed so much potential in “Mean Girls”, but she’s been a trainwreck since then.
As always Sle, thanks for taking one in the gut for the rest of us.
I like how Slezak’s kinda peeking out of the corner of the poster. Also, I’m 100% with Ep. Though I realize it may be more fun and easier to completely slam a movie. Slezak’s reviews of these (awful) movies I won’t venture to see myself are 11,000 times more entertaining than the sometimes phoned-in actual movie reviews in the magazine that are like one paragraph long.
This movie sounds unbelievably horrible. But I love the “I Saw It, So You Don’t Have To” feature, so please keep it up!
How much do they pay you to watch these movies? Michael, you deserve a raise (and the number for a good therapist)! My apologies!
For a second there, I thought your face was part of the poster.
Thank you Slezak I needed that. Can we nominate crappy looking movies for you to go see and tell us all about? I now officially nominate Alvin & The Chipmunks. Jason Lee whyyyyyy?????
Poor Slezak. Put your feet up and have someone make you a warm cup of tea. You deserve a break after having to suffer through something so awful.
I had no interest in this movie whatsoever, but now I must be sure to warn my fiance’s mother against seeing it (she thought it looked interesting, but… well… she’s older and uninformed when it comes to movies pop culture).
I smell a Razzie award for Miss Lohan. Closest she’ll come to that Oscar she keeps pining for!
Darn it, Slezak, I know this blog was supposed to deter me from watching this movie, but it has only succeeded in intriguing me even more! I’m very oddly fasinated by this movie, but I’ll wait until it’s on HBO or Cinemax to watch it (which will probably be in a month or so).
I couldn’t find an official review for this movie. Do Owen & Lisa refuse to see such an obvious piese of crap and the job falls to you?
Lindsey needs a court appointed sane person to make movie and life decisions for a long while.
Can we nominate Slezak for the Must List?
Thank you SO much for saving me that 105 minutes. Ugh.
but here’s my question: if she’s saved by her secret twin, who gets killed?
By the way, this movie sounds completely terrible, and my favorite part is how, for question 10, each of the answers you made up sound a lot bettter than the correct answer. I mean, how do ones appendages just fall off?! I’m sure there is some basis for this somewhere in the real world, but still…huh?!
My fave fake answer for 10 is D, it’s reminiscent of the fake movie the fake Donald Kauffman was writing in “Adaptation” called “The 3″, where the victim, the killer and the cop on the case.
I am sorry to say that my friends dragged me to see this movie. It was actually a very good movie if you watch it like its a comedy. Everyone in my theater (all 10 of us) laughed so hard at the cheesy dialogue, bad acting and completely far-fetched and “plot-hole” filled storyline. I almost started to cry with laughter when the doctor told her that she had to plug in her new prosthetic foot every night so that is wouldn’t run out of battery. If you took out all of the stripping scenes (which i’m not saying you should—it was the best part of the movie) the movie would be thirty minutes long. But overall…… FANTASTIC movie!
Thanks for the warning…wouldn’t have seen it anyway, but now I can avoid it on cable. Did anyone notice that choices A, B, and D in question number ten would have made a much more interesting movie?
“A jaunty possum distracts the killer from discovering Lohan’s character”
i’m speechless… how on earth did this ever get made? slezak, you should work on an inside hollywood kind of book that details how a movie like this makes it to the big screen…
Although I never saw it, I see some similarities to the Boxing Helena debacle a while back. At least Kim Basinger had the sense to pull out of that (albeit deal with subsequent legal issues) that LL couldn’t quite figure out here. I am curious how Lonelygirl made an appearance (well, maybe not). Keep these posts going.
The greatest title for a review of this movie I have ever seen.
“I Know I Want my Money Back!”
I could not stop laughing for fifteen minutes straight.
Slezak, you’re on top of your game, truly…love this premise, and thank you for taking the bullet for us…I had no intention of seeing this movie, but sure, I was curious how ‘bad’ it could be…you’ve given me all the info I need, and I’ll never put this thing in my Netflix queue, I promise…
I dunno…it sounds ever so horrible yet I still can’t decide if it’s “So bad it’s good” (think Glitter and Basic Instinct 2) or just plain bad (Howard the Duck)!!! Fellow popwatchers help me, I think I’m going crazy because I still kinda wanna see it. I guess I’ll wait till it comes on dvd (like 2 weeks from now) and my mom buys it. lol
…”where the victim, killer, and cop on the case”…are the same person (is what I meant to finish saying when talking about The 3)
10, D sounds exactly like the plot to the French thriller, High Tension. Now that was a good movie!
I concur. Slezak for the Must List!!!
slezak, save the date for Major Movie Star with Jessica Simpson. I’m pretty sure it will suck too!!
how do people become millionaires by making crappy movies???
Man, I had high hopes for this movie to be so bad that it’s good. (I’ll admit, I’m a sucker for “House Of Wax” remake).
This movie, with the whole ‘unknown twin’ premise, looks like a horrible, horrible spoof on her sweet and spunky perfomance in “The Parent Trap!”! This girl is a train wreck on roller skates on ice.
But how much do we LOVE the tradition of Slezak pe-e-e-eeking his face into movie posters when he goes to see these terrible flicks? Made my day.
my friends and I saw “I know who killed me” last night (only showing at 11) and oh wow. within 15 minutes my cousin had figured out the plot. since we were 5 of oh, 10 people in the theatre, we shouted out literary techniques such as “SYMBOLISM!” and “FORESHADOWING!” to point out the craptacular “beauty” to our fellow movie patrons. god this was movie was bad– I’m fairly certain lindsay lohan doesn’t deserve to make movies anymore. jeez
I’m sorry you had to suffer through the movie Slezak, but this column is funnier when the movie’s bad. So thanks! You rock.
Way to take a bullet for us, Michael.
“feel enraged by that hyperactive toddler who keeps kicking the back of your seat”
Oh, but should I watch it when I feel enraged by the self-centered, baby-hating adult on the plane who hasn’t seen “Children of Men” and who wouldn’t dare yell at an adult bumping him thinks it’s OK to yell at a 2 yr old? Real life means real people of all ages, not just some 25-49 yr old world sanitized for your stereotypes.