Anyone who’s endured the trailer for I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry knows that with its central premise — Adam Sandler and Kevin James playing a pair of boorish firefighters who pose as a gay couple to ensure the latter’s kids remain eligible to collect his pension — it’s not aiming to be the next Brokeback Mountain. (Oh those homosexuals — even their benefits packages are more fabulous!) But unless you gave up your hard earned cash to see the entire movie with your own eyes, then you probably don’t know the depths of infantilism and implausibility Chuck and Larry manages to reach.
For starters, Sandler’s character (Chuck) is presented as a world-class Lothario ("Mr. February" in the New York City Firefighters’ beefcake calendar) who proves utterly irresistible to women. At one point, Chuck’s query of "Who wants to massage my ass muscle?" is met by a quintet of scantily clad Asian waitresses piling into his vehicle screaming, "Me! Me! Me!" (He also manages to bed a sexy, blonde physician by insultingly calling her "Dr. Honey" and sexually harassing her in front of his coworkers.)
Worse still, the script (co-written by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor of Sideways and Electionfame!) comes off like it was cooked up by a pack of 14-year-old boysduring a particularly productive study-hall period. Exhibit A: Chuckand Larry’s rescue attempt in a burning building ends with a morbidlyobese man passing gas while sitting on Chuck’s face. If that’s notenough to send you into the emotional fetal position, here’s myby-the-numbers breakdown on the No. 1 movie in America last weekend.
Total running time: 110 minutes
Number of times I laughed during the film: 5.5*
Number of laughs per minute: .05
Number of soap-dropping incidents filmed in slo-mo: 2
Punch lines suggesting Larry’s effete pre-teen son should be exposed to hard-core porn/tossed into a trashcan/anally assaulted: 3
Classic songs ruined: 4 ("Groove Is in the Heart," "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," "Freedom 90," and "I’m Every Woman")
Best punch line: "I used to wrestle in high school. And I loved it." — Chuck, explaining his gay epiphany to a benefits investigator
Worst punch line:"So were my balls — and now I only have one of them." — Dan Akroyd,responding to Chuck and Larry’s argument that they’d been workingtogether forever, and shouldn’t have to take separate shifts
Worst punch line (first runner-up): "You’re the only sisters you got. Use your tongues." — Chuck, encouraging sexy twins (played by American Idol alums Becky and Jessica O’Donohue) to kiss and make up
Unforgivable cameos: 4 (Lance Bass, Dave Matthews, Richard Chamberlain, and Rob Corddry)
Criminally negligent cameo:1 (Rob Schneider, working overtime to fine-tune his offensive Asianstereotyping skills, as the minister who marries Chuck and Larry.)
Stereotypes perpetuated: 4 (Openly gay men — even when they look like Ving Rhames — as mincingqueens; Asian women as mindless sex objects; straight women as totallycomfortable getting undressed in front of/felt up by their gay malefriends; Rachel Dratch as grotesque, romantically toxic she-beast.
Take-home message: 1 (Use of the word ‘f—-t’ is "bad.")
* One laugh was an embarassed/horrified response to a closeup shot of the soiled sweatpants of Chuck and Larry’s homeless wedding witness.
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Oh Michael, I actually sat through this & I didn’t think it was too terrible, although I gotta admit, I laughed HARD at the Lance Bass cameo. That right there was almost worth the price of admission, at least for me! But yeah, one grudge I definitely had was the fact that Adam Sandler came off as this hunk, while most of the hopt musckle boys that populate the NYC scene were left on the cutting room floor. I mean really, out of all the gay guys you know, how many do you know that not only LOOK but ACT like Jessica Biel’s brother in the film?? No self-respecting gay man I know would be seen in that fairy costume unless they were on a diet & hitting the gym since the season before that party! Its a shame no one ever portrays homosexuals as just your average Joe next door, albiet funnier than the Joe down the street!
*hot and muscle! Sorry, must have had hot flashes while typing that line….
Mike what’s the * for in the number of times you laughed during the film?
My friends are going to see this tonight. I am not. Not because Slezak saw it already (thank you by the way), but because I never wanted to see this piece of crap in the first place. Let me guess what happens. Jessica Biel finds out they’re not gay, but ends up with Sandler’s character anyway. Plus, everything works out for Kevin James, his pension, and his kids. Did I guess right?
Thanks for taking one for the team, Slezak. I personally plan to see it when It comes on Comedy Central in late February, 2009. It’ll be a Thursday, I will be home for the third day with the flu, just sick enough that I will weakly watch it for 15-20 minutes before finding the strength to switch over and see what Oprah’s doing.
Yikes! That punchline about a young boy being annally assualted, I presume to “un-gayify” him, um, yeah, sounds real funny.
I think I’ll watch a re-run of Ugly Betty tonight. Seeing Justin will help me get over what you just described!
Oh why oh why did I have to endure this horrorfest on the most horrible blind (double) date?? The date was way into the film – I knew we would have a problem!!
Just a horrible film overall and a worst date!
to Petey: * One laugh was an embarassed/horrified response to a closeup shot of the soiled sweatpants of Chuck and Larry’s homeless wedding witness.
Thanks idigress. My computer couldn’t display the small type very clearly. Thanks Commodore Vic20.
Soooooooo, Chuck and Larry DON’T fall in love and live happily ever after?
Damn.
I knew from the trailer that I had no interest in this movie. I didn’t laugh once, which is a pretty bad sign for the trailer of a comedy, where usually the funniest moments of a film are highlighted. My shock at reading Mr. Slezak’s comments? Dave Matthews appeared in this regurgitation of stereotypes???? Say it isn’t so! Let’s hope he, and the rest of those who appeared, didn’t read the script before they said okay. Sorry you wasted two hours Mike – I feel your pain – I once saw Angel Eyes in the theater.
I can’t stand Jessica Biel. She’s always spouting crap like “I want to be taken seriously as an actress,” then stripping for magazines and making craplike this. Jess, do what you do best, and go bang Timberlake, ‘cuz your films suck.
I’m freaked out by this movie because my husband’s name is Chuck and my dad’s name is Larry. I have mental images of my dad and husband marrying! It’s a little disturbing, to say the least…
Sle, it sounds as if this movie was every bit the POS I assumed it would be.
Thanks for taking one for the team dude.
Slight correction about the Asian Woman stereotype: They are not just portrayed as mindless sex objects, but as oversexed dragon women who melt down to their submissive core in front of the white man. Given that the guy who wrote Sideways already portrayed Sandra Oh in such a manner, this isn’t so shocking.
As for the guy who wrote Election? The movie was good, but I wouldn’t exactly call that flick (which features a teacher who fantasizes about having sex with a high school student while making love to his wife) “pro woman”.
Being an insufferable movie snob, this is one of my favorite segments of the PopWatch blog. I love you Slezak!
EP Sato – interesting that you chose to discuss Alexander Payne writing for Sandra Oh in “Sideways”. They were married when that was filmed and they have recently filed for divorce!
Hmm… I have actually read reviews that made me think it was exactly the opposite of what Slezak says it is… but I guess those reviews were wrong. I even read two reviews by gay reviewers who said it was actually really good, didn’t play up stereotypes much and had the same kind of message as Brokeback did, but using comedy inseat of overdrawn melodrama. I guess they were wrong too. Not that I will see this in the theater anyway, but… I just find it interesting that what would appear to be a pretty simple movie has garnered so many different appraisals.
Ep Sato…
nice comment…Agreed
Can anyone explain to me exactly why Kevin James’s character has to get married so his kids can still collect his pension? I just don’t get it.
What I find even more offensive is the fact that Biels character starts getting all “girlfriend-y” with Sandler, just because he’s gay. Yeah, straight women ALWAYS let their gay male friends watch them undress, evaluate their shaved areas, feel their boobs!
Cam, Kevin James’s wife died a little over a year ago. She was the primary beneficiary of his will. He was given a year to change the beneficiary to his kids, but never got around to it. According to this movie, then, if he dies in the line of duty, his kids will get bupkiss, because they weren’t specified as his beneficiaries. Riiiiight. So very plausible.
I agree with the assessment; way too many gay stereotypes and not enough funny moments. I don’t know what planet the writer’s reside on, but apparently there all gay men are over-the-top effeminate and all the women find Adam Sandler sexually irresistible. I’m glad I don’t live there.
M-zak, thanks for watching it for us. After reading this, I’ll go with my original intention of watching it 4-5 years from now, edited to bits on Comedy Central, on a very lazy Saturday afternoon.
Scott M – What reviews are you reading? Rotten Tomatoes.com has this film with an overall 14% approval rating. Aside from a positive review on Joblo.co (WTF?) I haven’t seen anything positive about this turd.
This movie sounds pretty bad but it can’t be worse than “Click,” can it? That movie was straight up horrible.
>Oh those homosexuals — even their benefits packages are more fabulous!<
I know you're trying to make a joke here (heaven forbid EW doesn't try to make a joke), but it should be noted that the "partner benefits" as witnessed in this movie DO NOT EXIST IN REAL LIFE.
No matter how bad this movie is, it is telling a message to the general public that gays get "special benefits" not afforded to straights, which is entirely not true.
Thanks a lot, Sandler.
- kch, http://moviedearest.blogspot.com/
I can’t believe you sat through this Slezak. I am not one of those gays without a sense of humor about myself and my community, but I wouldn’t spend even half a cent on this “film”. I love Adam Sandler, but no thanks – I could tell from the first 3 seconds of the preview that I would hate this movie and I am glad to hear I was right.
Guess I disagree. I really enjoyed the film. People are mostly afraid to say something positive about this movie, but Sandler does bring a touchy issue to the masses and promotes (gay) marriage rights to an audience that otherwise wouldn’t give a crap. The Village Voice liked it (called it as eloquent as Brokeback Mountain and more radical), and so did the San Francisco Chronicle.
Thank you Slesak for taking that big hit for me, I didnt plan to watch the movie, I still haven’t seen a single Adam Sandler movie, and I plan to keep it that way. Thank you for helping me keep my dream of an Adam SandlerLESS life alive.
I was going to try and sneak into it at the multiplex after seeing Harry Potter last weekend, but the theater it was in was too close to the main entrance and I decided against it. I will NOT pay to see it but I was a bit curious as to how bad it was. GLAAD gave their approval — I guess that tells you how truly irrelevant GLAAD is.
Adam Sandlers career, to me, is nothing short of a miracle. No, i’m not a fan and his humor completely escapes me. The miracle is that he was, far and away, the least funny and least talented of the entire SNL alumni…and he becomes the most successful movie star of any of them. There seems to be a core audience out there that loves the guy. They can have him…and rewatch his DVD’s until the cows come home.
At least no gays were harmed in the making of this movie.