The indispensable TV Tattle has a link to a story in Adweek about changes in Kellogg’s advertising policies that may lead to the disappearance of — or, at least a cutback in airtime for — some of its beloved advertising icons, including Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and Snap, Crackle & Pop. According to the article, "by the end of 2008 the company will no longer advertise cereals that don’t meet a new set of self-imposed health standards to children under 12." Considering I’m more of a Honey Bunches of Oats man myself, I’m not that shaken by the news. But it got me wondering how the jungle cat and tropical bird in question might be coping.
Let’s set the scene in the kitchen of a small, two-bedroom apartment in West Hollywood. The sink is filled with dirty dishes that spill onto an unkempt counter that’s littered with old take-out boxes, beer cans, and restaurant menus. At the grimy kitchen table, which is covered with piles of unopened bills, catalogs, and a smattering of movie scripts, we find Tony the Tiger, dressed in a smart suit, tie flipped back over his shoulder, about to dig in to a bowl of cereal. At the same time, Toucan Sam, disheveled in a pair of old boxer shorts, stumbles sleepily from out of his bedroom.
Toucan Sam: All-Bran? You’re having freakin’ All-Bran for breakfast? That’s just straight-up foul.
Tony the Tiger: Well good morning to you, too, Sam.
Toucan Sam: Dude, why not just dig up a bowl of mulch from the flower bed and pour some milk over it?
Tony the Tiger: Because I have an audition next week with Ron Howard, remember? The Siegfried & Roy biopic? I’ve got to go in there looking grrrrreat, er, I mean, looking like a fighting machine.
Toucan Sam: Not to be a downer, but isn’t that a little out of your range?
Tony the Tiger: Look, just because I’ve spent decades being a puppet for The Man…
Toucan Sam: [Testily interrupting.] The Man? Oh that’s rich. Show some respect! Where would either one of us be if it weren’t for Kellogg’s?
Tony the Tiger: I don’t know, Sam, maybe you’d be followingyour nose all the way to an Emmy, or the Oscars even! Remember all thedreams we had when we first got to this town? And now just because ofthis so-called childhood obesity epidemic, Kellogg’s is treating uslike leftover milk in a cereal bowl. There’ll be no tears from them aswe’re spilled down the drain, I can assure you of that!
Toucan Sam: Oh lord, how long have you been practicing that monologue?
Tony the Tiger: You’ve got to admit, it’s good.
Toucan Sam: And you’ve got to admit we’ve had a sweetrun. No ad campaign lasts forever, especially when it comes tomarketing to kids. I don’t see why you’re so bitter.
Tony the Tiger: [Picking up his cereal bowl and hurling it against the wall with a loud crash.] Because I’m not the one who coated those damnable flakes with sugar!
Toucan Sam: [Gently patting Tony's fur with his beak.] Dude, it’s gonna be okay.
Tony the Tiger: [Wiping away a single tear.]Look at this dump. We’re two of the biggest stars in the ad game, andwe’re living in squalor! What stopped us from putting some of it awayin the bank?
Toucan Sam: A little thing called the ’90s. But no worries,dude. Thing will turn around. I wasn’t gonna tell you this till it wasa done deal, but I’m up for the next edition of The Surreal Life.
Tony the Tiger: What? Seriously?
Toucan Sam: Yeah, it’s gonna be me, Spuds MacKenzie, the Mucinex phlegm dude, The WB frog, and Mayor McCheese.
Tony the Tiger: I don’t know whether to give you a high-five or put my head in the oven.
Toucan Sam: Oh, and they’re gonna add either the Snugglemascot, or that Charmin bear that wipes her ass on a tree. It’s gonnacome down to money, but they definitely want a bear.
Tony the Tiger: I’m flabbergasted. Why didn’t my agent try to hook me up?
Toucan Sam: Because, Tony, I’m an entertainer. You are a thespian. And you’re gonna totally nail that Siegfried part.
Tony the Tiger: I don’t know, Sam…I mean, I don’t even have the right color fur!
Toucan Sam: So what? Technically, I’ve got a beak. Nobody at Froot Loops ever seemed to think I couldn’t sing about following my nose.
Tony the Tiger: Wow. I never even thought of that.
Toucan Sam: Come on, let’s go run lines. If you lose the part to that Hobbes hack, I might have to bite somebody’s head off myself.
Comments (1-28) of 28 Add your comment
oh no! Just one more thing from my childhood disappearing.
michael slezak: you officially win points! hands down, the most entertaining part of my whole workday.
LOL, that Charmin ass-wiping bear is one of the worst commercials ever.
Laugh out loud funny. Thank you, Mr. Slezak.
all you need is a double-entendre regarding the Honey Smacks frog, and you’ve got an HBO series right there.
Right on Slezak, definitely brightened my afternoon.
I would totally watch that version of The Surreal Life. It has to be better than the real celebrity one. Oh and I really want some Frosted Flakes or Fruit Loops now. mmmmmmm.
I hate to be annoying, but Snap Crackle & Pop’s Rice Crispies REALLY aren’t that unhealthy.
Ahh, I can so see it.
Great work!! This got me laughing big time. Mayor McCheese?? CLASSIC!!
They blame everyone for childhood obesity except the kids themselves and the parents who raise them. I always got Happy Meals when I was younger and I’m fine. shoot.
I love you, Slezak.
That would be the best Surreal Life! Mayor McCheese! lol. How about Krispy Kritters, Sonny, Apple, and Jack, Cookie Crook with Cop and Booberry?
Seriously, it is true that most of the cereals are sugar coated but the trick is that you are supposed to follow the exact serving size which is located on the side panel of the box. The size equals a small plastic dixie cup, folks. When the commercials say “part of a good breakfast” or in my day it was “part of this complete breakfast, they mean a cup of cereal, a piece of fruit, toast (wheat toast) and a glass of juice. Still it is up to the parents to make the right decisions. Personally if I had a child, I’d give the cereal as a small snack in their lunch bag and not as breakfast.
Not my beloved Frosted Flakes. Sheesh. Are parents letting their kids eat 6 bowls every day or something? Who is getting fat from these cereals? Here is some advice: Don’t buy these cereals if you don’t want them. The rest of us don’t need our fun spoiled too.
Media watchdog groups and “concerned” parents are always complaining about cartoon advertising spokes characters because they say children do not have the willpower to avoid sugary cereals promoted by cartoons. You know what else children don’t have? Money to buy cereal! Kids can see a million cereal commercials for Super Duper Sugar Cereal but in the end, its their parents who are the ones who buy the cereal. Let’s stop scapegoating Tony the Tiger and Tucan Sam and let’s look at the real problem.
i learn more about writing by reading your columns than i ever will from a college classroom. also, seeing you in those american idol videos is like seeing the wizard step out from behind his fancy puppet rig.
I’m impressed that the cereal companies are taking this sort of initiative on their own. Maybe they are feeling partially responsible for all the fat kids we see walking around thanks to cereals created to make breakfast “fun”. “Fun” meaning of course, loaded with sugar, carbs, lots of calories and the fortification with 8 vitamins and minerals (because on their own they offer no nutitritional value).
That said, I’ll break someone’s arm on the curbside (Paulie Wallnuts style) if they stop selling Cookie Crisp (different company, but I still wants it!).
Slezak, may I have your babies? I would ya know.
Slezak, may I have your babies? I would ya know.
This is a piece of art! Somebody needs to seriously recognize your talent and just shower you with awards.
I’m really going to miss the cartoon cereal icons. And Tony the Tiger had been trying so hard in his recent commercials to get kids to exercise, too. Poor guy was doing all he could to save his job.
It’s really the end of an era when the cereal mascots fade away.
I love the line about Tony the tiger throwing the bowl of cereal. HAHA!! Love it, pure genius. Thanks for the morning laugh. I sure could use it this morning.
OMGosh, ROTFLMBO at “Oh, and they’re gonna add either the Snuggle mascot, or that Charmin bear that wipes her ass on a tree. “
Whatever happened to Mayor McCheese?
Slezak, you are on a roll, I swear!
*LOL*
FINALLY someone acknowledges those Charmin bears are flat out gross!
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The food police strick again!!
As an adult and a parent i’d like to point out that I don’t need big brother looking over my shoulder. I can supervise my childern’s actions. It is a parents responsability to care for their children. I would like to point out that if the company was really concerned they would change the product to make it healthier not just change their advertising.
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Im a Toucan bite my A$S