F*@#, you s*&#^$ c*@&%$@&#&, and welcome to the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen, our annual chance to watch British celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay scream the crap out of his lungs while all around him, contestants struggle to complete the same repetitive cooking tasks. Last night, our third season began, and yes, they’re still trying to make lobster spaghetti and beef Wellington and that sodding risotto, but for whatever reason, I can never get enough of watching them suck at it.
So bigtime bonus for me: If the fine folks in the HK editing suite are to be believed, this season’s butchered risotto is to be More. Extreme. Than. Ever! Ordinarily, this being a Fox show, I’d take that boast with a grain of salt (When Overzealous Promotional Departments Attack!!), but as exec producer Arthur Smith’s promise of "man tears" overflowedeth in the first episode, I can’t help but wonder if, after all these years, the former fourth network might not be ready for a little honesty in our relationship. I sure hope so, as the scenes from what’s coming made it look like someone is actually going to spontaneously combust during a service. That would rule.
After the jump, won’t you join me for a quick look at the start of HK3, where tempers flared, claws were bared, and we learned just how many years of culinary school you actually do need before you learn how to fry an egg?
Did you guess the correct answer? That’s right, 5th graders: You need exactly zero (0) years of culinary school to know how to fry an egg, and apparently anything from one (1) up to infinity (∞) to learn how to screw that simple process up! We learned this lesson from Julia (pictured), a Waffle House chef (okay, short-order cook) who showed up all the "real" chefs in the Red kitchen by finally getting the quail egg appetizers out, even though those classist snobs originally didn’t want to let her touch a thing. Oh yes, the women of HK3 are truly outstanding, my friends. In fact, after last night’s dreadful first service — SHUT-TIT DOWN!! — Chef Ramsay called the Red Team "Hell’s Bitches," and he was right on the money.
For example: "It doesn’t matter who I’ve got to f— over to make myself look better," said Joanna, just one of the many classy chicks who remain after the (okay, fine) shocking first round booting of the cocky Tiffany. But here’s two faces to watch as things move forward: Melissa, a hot line cook who can fix a mean steak, and Julia, the Waffle House lady. The latter was the logical choice to go home tonight as the rest of the ladies were agitating for her demise, but she was retained, wisely, by the former. Now I can’t help but wonder if Julia is the person about whom Arthur Smith said this: "There’s one person in this year’s cast whose improvement is so dramatic that Gordon probably showed more affection to this person than he’s ever shown before. It’s obviously not at the beginning, but there’s a real lovable episode where it’s a good cry-fest. And Gordon does something very special for h— for this person." Hmmm…
Over in the boys’ Blue kitchen, life is less testy but more boring, with only Vinnie, a diva with boy band hair, providing much excitement. Trouble is, aside from one clever remark about GR looking like a Shar-Pei when he’s mad, it was mostly excitement of the annoying variety. Like alleging that Ramsay is being critical because he’s "intimidated" by Vinnie’s mad skillz (skillz that render him incapable of making a single edible appetizer in an hour). Or saying the following after service: "I didn’t know what you wanted, you didn’t want to show me… what did you want me to do?" It doesn’t sound all that douchey typed out, but you gotta trust me, PopWatchers, the dude’s a tool. He’d do well on the Red Team, where we’d probably learn that it’s all an act for the cameras, and deep down, he just wants to cry and bite his pillow.
Speaking of crying, big props to Aaron, the retirement home chef whom Sir Hollers-a-Lot referred to as both an "Asian cowboy" and a "chunky monkey" within seconds of meeting him. Aaron, who is 48, turned in a spectacular performance as a whimpering, squawling toddler last night, losing his meatballs (not literally; we do not have a meatball dish in HK) no less than twice, his massive head erupting into almost cartoonish representations of "sadness." I hope he does not have a family or any particularly close friends, as I’d imagine that Aaron’s meltdown was very hard for them to watch. Speaking of hard to watch: Eddie, the 5′2" grill cook whose small stature and thick Southern accent make him come across as a sort of Dewberry mini-me, and who is likely to be dispatched very soon in an incredibly vulgar manner. (Unless, of course, he’s the person about whom Arthur Smith said this: "There’s one person in this year’s cast whose improvement is so dramatic that Gordon probably showed more affection to this person than he’s ever shown before. It’s obviously not at the beginning, but there’s a real lovable episode where it’s a good cry-fest. And Gordon does something very special for h— for this person." Hmmmmm!)
To sum up my feelings after last night’s kickoff: Hell’s Kitchen fascinates me. I think it is a combination of Ramsay’s charisma, the incredibly bad acting of the dining room patrons, the melodramatic announcer’s breathy little voiceovers ("…others will wish they had never been born!"), and, as I said before, the chance to see people go insane because of their inability to duplicate a process more than once. I don’t know much about food, I cannot cook, and I’m not sure I’ve ever eaten risotto… but it doesn’t look that hard. Looks a bit like Rice-a-Roni to me, frankly. And I’m pretty sure I could make Rice-a-Roni right two days in a row. But then again, maybe I couldn’t, and that’s why I’m here blogging whilst gnawing on an unfrozen TV dinner.
Anyway, did you watch? Did you like? Who is your vote for Exploding Kitchen Person? And does anyone else think "chicken fried chicken penne" sounds like a dream come true?
Comments (1-30) of 73 Add your comment
I mean, I don’t even watch this show, but if you’re going to be blogging about it on a regular basis (which it sounds like you might be) and the posting’s gonna be a little on the long side (which I would never cut down because Whitney and her rants are brilliant), why not just make a TV Watch?
It’s not like it’s spring or fall and you’re overloaded with all these other shows to do TV Watches on. I mean, your website’s doing a TV Watch on something called “Pirate Master” for cripes sake.
anything fried in itself is a winner for me! i think rock is going to win. he was quiet, seemed fairly competent and not a moron. that usually is a winning combination on HK. That and the ability to put up with the inevitable whiner who makes it really far by being ridiculously good at the challenges
Defintely a good idea to make a TV Watch for this show…it’s great summer tv! Spot On!
Yea, Whitney is writing! I will watch anything that Whitney writes about. Missed you so much after you left ANTM! So glad I found you again!
This show is nothing short of brillant! Whitney, I am just as fascinated by this show as you are and I thought I was going to bust something when no one could cook an egg. I can hold my own in a kitchen and it kills me that no one can cook spaghetti, I mean you’re just boiling water! Your Rice-A-Roni comment had me in tears at work! Can’t wait for next week.
LOVE LOVE LOVE Hell’s Kitchen!!! Thanx for blogging, Whitney! And let’s all lift a raspberry Bellini to the forthcoming HK TV Watch.
Why no mention of Melissa’s hotness, or chef Ramsay flirting with her? Oh, and risotto is nothing like Rice-a-Roni! It’s a pain in the butt to make, but trust me when I say it’s worth ordering at a restaurant. You should go try some!
PLEASE make this a TV Watch! I got hooked on this show last year and forgot to watch the premier last night, so you blog was a welcome treat. Keep it up, Whitney!
Being a woman, Whitney probably did not feel compelled to comment on Melissa’s “hotness”.
Love Love HK! It’s a perfect summer show. I thought it was hilarious how many people cried last night- as Ramsay would say DONKEY! EW don’t pull a Brothers & Sisters and just give us a TV Watch already!
I love this show….Gordan Ramsey does not mix words.
I never knew untill last night just how prehudiced everyone is against short order cooks…it was disturbing to watch…and Tiffany in all prejudical nature deserved to go home.
Don’t discount the little guy, although he has obvious physical limitations he is spot on with his palette and intellect.
However you can tell that Melissa the 29 year old hottie is a front runner already. I have started calling her Melissa Doolittle cause her talent is so obvious.
TV WATCH!!! TV WATCH!!! I agree!
I don’t know why this show is so addictive, but it’s TV reality at its best. And it deserves a summer TV Watch slot!
make this a TV watch. Please.
So what if she’s a woman? I think we ALL can’t help but notice an attractive woman, regardless if you’re male or female…And Chef Ramsay definitely noticed!
I second the TV Watch idea for “Hell’s Kitchen.” Whitney’s commentary is a no-brainer for a weekly column. And I’m glad Two-Faced Tiff went home. She was so condescending to Julia – but who cooked the eggs, donkey?
this is definitely my summer tv guilty pleasure. i think its great that the artificial bimbos and airheaded abercrappie models are relegated to the dining room and regular looking folks are the ones competing. this season looks to be filled with crybabies on all sides. agree with the earlier poster that Rock seems to have a level head and if he can do ok on the challenges, then i can see him going far. most of these contestants folded like a wet napkin when the pressure was on. no mention of the blatant backstabbing involved with the elimination.
“you arent going anywhere” pshhhhhhhhh
the prospects of the remainder of the season have me giddy.
this is definitely my summer tv guilty pleasure. i think its great that the artificial bimbos and airheaded abercrappie models are relegated to the dining room and regular looking folks are the ones competing. this season looks to be filled with crybabies on all sides. agree with the earlier poster that Rock seems to have a level head and if he can do ok on the challenges, then i can see him going far. most of these contestants folded like a wet napkin when the pressure was on. no mention of the blatant backstabbing involved with the elimination.
“you arent going anywhere” pshhhhhhhhh
the prospects of the remainder of the season have me giddy.
It’s mince, not mix, & that’s palate, not palette. Geez! Get your words right!
Well, he was close with his words anyway…let’s not degenerate into name-calling and degradation so early in the season. Let’s leave that to Chef.
When did I call him names? It’s ridiculous that some people like to use words that they don’t even know the meaning of…if no one will correct him, who will?
I’m still trying to figure out how you could be out of your main ingredients when you haven’t served any food yet… someone having a little snack in the back room?
My comment regarding name-calling and degradation was made “tongue in cheek”. And yes, I do know what those words mean.
I’m talking about Mark, not you. Sheesh!
Yes, please do a HK TV watch!
Yes!!!! PULLLLEEEAAASSSSEEEE make this a TV Watch! I was looking for it this morning and couldn’t believe there wasn’t one – then was so happy to see this! HK is the best!!!
Thanks for the grammer lesson. No worries, me names….lets get back t discussing the show.
Since I was confused about how you could possibly hard-boil rice, and parboiling had been shot down as a possibility, I decided to do some research. As per Wiki, “When risotto is cooked, the rice is first cooked briefly in butter or olive oil until evenly coated and the rice starts to turn translucent, before the broth is added, one ladle at a time.” So, to me this would be very similar to parboiling the rice.
Whoops…If anyone is confused about what I’m referring to, it’s understandable. I integrated a HK discussion with a coworker into the discussion being held here and commented in the wrong forum.
how come this isn’t in TV Watch …
….but Whitney DID mention Melissa’s hotness:
“Melissa, a hot line cook who can fix a mean steak…”