'The Bachelor': Now with twice the 'love'!

Bachelor_lIs there anything more thuddingly dull than a Bachelor season finale? Thank heavens for DVR rewind, because I actually began to doze off about an hour into the interminable conclusion of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman. I guess when it comes to ABC’s seemingly indestructible dating franchise, I prefer the early weeks of sobbing, competitive bitchery to a 120-minute litany of earnest, moon-eyed, love declarations. In the final segment of the show alone — from the time Tessa (pictured, right) got out of the limo until the big proposal — Andy (center) unleashed a torrent of clichés, including: "wish come true," "sky’s the limit," "shoot for the stars," "rollercoaster ride," "beyond my wildest dreams," and a double dose of "anything is possible."

Which still wasn’t as big a turnoff as his decision to drop the "L-bomb" on his last dates with both Tessa and Bevin (left). Having (unfortunately) read a couple weeks ago about Tessa spoiling the finale beans, I was aghast to hear the "officer/gentleman" whisper, "I love you too, Bev," after their screaming helicopter date. And how creepy was it to hear him insist, "I want to hear you say it" (for the camera), when Bevin showed the slightest reluctance to declare her feelings to him one last time? I guess in Andy’s mind, an "I love you, too" doesn’t mean nearly as much as an "I freakin’ love you!" — which he broke out after receiving a hideous photo collage from Tessa.

addCredit(“The Bachelor: Mario Perez”)

Thankfully, we had the home visit to entertain. It’s just a shameAndy’s grandparents weren’t introduced sooner. The only thing betterthan Grandpa Baldwin’s succinct assessment that Andy was "turned on byBevin!" was hearing Grandma Baldwin declare that, after 60 years ofmarriage, "I still like him!" (And maybe the family’s silent "Ba-Who?"reaction to Bevin’s Baha’i religious upbringing.) That said, I feltlike Grandma was pulling for Bevin, in spite of (or perhaps because of)her research on the topic of libido in menopausal women. "I don’t knowhow much the Baldwins talk about sex or libido or sexual dysfunction,"Bevin wondered nervously during her confessional.

But at least Bevin knew when to keep her mouth shut — refusing tolet Andy off the hook after he gave her the old "this is not arejection at all" heave-ho (no pun intended). Indeed, the only thingthat would’ve made Bevin’s freeze-out even more satisfying would’vebeen seeing her push Andy away, demand that he get his two-timing handsoff her, and then march to the limo on her own. I mean, she let dudecop a feel while he was supposed to be flying their chopper!

I wonder how Tessa is feeling now that she knows her man toyed andsmooched with Bevin mere days before he popped the question. And Iwonder if Bevin’s tears had dried on Andy’s shoulder before he got downon bended knee before Tessa. Sort of puts a damper on ABC’s relentlesspromos promising "the most romantic proposal ever." Of course, as myfriend Joe points out, since that’s the way ABC hypes everyfinal rose ceremony, one has to wonder if somehow they think eachensuing incarnation is more romantic than infinity. Which kinda makesme flash back to Andy’s bizarre quote, "I just hope that I’ve made theright decision today for my future and for eternity." Funny enough, inthe context of the Bachelor season, I actually think he might’ve. Just as long as there are no televised nuptials.

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  • AA

    Slezak, thank you for suffering through this season for us. The laughter I get out of this show almost rivals The Office. My favourite bit was when Grandpa was taking notes on Bev’s libido research.

  • Hey Slezak!

    Silly Michael; Andy wasn’t piloting the chopper – He and “Bev” were both passengers – so he was well within the safety parameters when he copped that strange feel. See, he truly is an officer AND a gentleman…

  • Ally

    What a hoot and a half – we were screaming at the tv what a sleaze(no offense Slezak) bag that supposed “gentleman” was. If Tessa has a brain in her head, after seeing that episode, Andy should have LOTS of splain-in to do.

  • Tisa

    Andy totally picked the right girl. He probably felt love for both of them but as he explained to Bevin, he had a deeper feeling for Tessa. The show pushes people into those situations and anyone going on the show should know that before they sign up…

  • Tisa

    Andy totally picked the right girl. He probably felt love for both of them but as he explained to Bevin, he had a deeper feeling for Tessa. The show pushes people into those situations and anyone going on the show should know that before they sign up…

  • Tisa

    Andy totally picked the right girl. He probably felt love for both of them but as he explained to Bevin, he had a deeper feeling for Tessa. The show pushes people into those situations and anyone going on the show should know that before they sign up…

  • MM

    It was a little creepy watching Andy declare his love for (and make out with) both women with a proposal days away…but that’s always the case with this show (though I think past bachelors have held off saying the L word to anyone until the final rose). Write-ups were hilarious–thanks Slezak!!

  • Ms Daisy

    Any girl who shows up for this nonsense ought to know by now that the dude is going to romancing as many of them as he can get his hands on and that he’s going to be making each of the final 2 believe that they are “truly the one for me”. To actually get engaged at that point in time is incredibly stupid for both parties…they should commit to spending time together and getting to know each other in the real world. I’d have to be sure that the dude wasn’t harboring feelings for the other chick before I could agree to marry him and somehow, I think that takes a bit longer than 20 minutes.

  • sgs

    He picked the right girl! Tessa was just perfect for him, I thought! I hope they stay happy! Congrats for both!

  • Jean

    What I find hilarious is how Andy was all reluctant about Bevin because she was married before and he wants to find someone who takes marriage as seriously as he does. That’s why you are proposing on national TV to a woman you barely know after proclaiming your love for the other as well? Stay classy, Mr. Baldwin.

  • kimster

    i didn’t think they were allowed to say the “L” word before the finale. i missed him saying it to Bevin and my thought when he said it to Tessa was now if he goes and proposes to Bevin he is the biggest heel in history. it will be interesting to see how Tessa is acting on tonights show.

  • luv sleazak

    Love your write ups; hey can you take over for the next cycle of America’s Next Top Model?

  • shana

    What pisses me off is that the message us girls have to take from this is that men enjoy the chase and playing hard to get is more successful than being forthright with your feelings. that sucks. I hate all those games. Andy chose Tessa because she didn’t chase him. Are we in third grade or what? And I’m sorry, but the collage was so middle school, what 26 year old does that?

  • andy is slime

    was it just me or did the rest of you find andy running shirtless with boobs bouncing down the beach utterly gross? and what’s with that awful running form of sticking his chest out? yes he’s fit, and has no hair likely due to waxing his entire body. the fact that he said i love you to two women shows how lightly he takes these words. it’s clear that he couldn’t be with a woman who is honest with her feelings, but had to chase a girl who played the game oh too well with her freak out i want to leave this show BS. i’m glad Bevin said nothing when he wanted a response to his rejection. good for her. he didn’t desreve one after the way he lead her on.
    i found andy’s mouth gross every time he spoke, and i couldn’t get over it. plus the look he gave to teresa after her delivery of the collage gave me the creeps. he was more creepy then anything. i think if he could he would have propsed to both of them. maybe he should move somewhere where he can have 2 wives.

  • Lene

    Favourite moment of the night: grandpa’s face when Bevin said she wanted to specialize in sexual dysfunction. As usual, the finale was… urgh. Can’t believe I was rooting for Tessa to “get the guy” (who, by the way, seemed way more like a person instead of an automaton once you got him with his family) – I should have been screaming at her to run. Very compelling and relaxing season. And funny. Very funny. Thanks for the write-ups, Slezak.

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