Cannes: Sleep-inducing pie, giant bugs

Jerry_lAnd so it begins. The sleepless nights. The big stars. The soul-crushing hangovers and surreal hallucinations. (Did I really just seeJerry Seinfeld dressed up as a bee? Why yes, I did.) Survival requiresa strong liver, a healthy sense of humor, and a first rate wingman.Cannes, after all, is the only festival where I’ve ever had to politelyinform a colleague that he was on fire. So this year, Missy Schwartzhas been nice enough to tag along — you’ll be hearing from hershortly — and immediately proved her mettle by offering to be a humanshield between me and some nationally well known critics in case I fellasleep during the first big movie, Wong Kar-Wai’s My Blueberry Nights.

And yes. I did fall asleep. And no, I’m not apologizing for it.From what everyone said, I didn’t miss much anyway. (My memory is fuzzyand consists only of a lot of Norah Jones moping around, creepy eroticshots of blueberry pie in close-up, and Natalie Portman with ridiculousfake bazoombas.) Oh, well. The first flick is usually awful anyway — aFrench tradition right up there with strong coffee, short skirts, andgoing on strike at the drop of the hat — but everyone seemed prettybummed that it was last year’s jury chairman and longtime EW hero Wong who took the ceremonial dive into the deep end of an empty pool.

addCredit(“Jerry Seinfeld: John Shearer/WireImage.com”)

Things got a lot better this morning when Jerry Seinfeld andChris Rock showed up with some footage from Bee Movie, which looksfreakin’ hilarious. But then, poor saps, they had to sit and takequestions from dimwitted international journalists asking things like:

"To bee or not to bee, was that the question?"
"Will there be a C movie and a D movie?"

This is what Jerry Seinfeld came out of retirement for? REALLY? Hey,here’s a handy piece advice to anyone thinking about asking a questionanytime, ever, during the duration of their lives. DO NOT TRY ANDOUTFUNNY COMEDIANS.

Just don’t. It’s bad for me. It’s bad for you. The karma will followyou forever. And who knows, some snide, brutally hung-over colleaguemight just put it in his freakin’ blog. And wouldn’t that suck?

So, what do you guys want to know about Cannes?

Comments (14 total) Add your comment
  • j

    Do not try TO outfunny comedians.

  • Stephanie Travitsky

    So is Seinfeld doing a Davy Jones “Bugaloo” impersonation here?

  • whol

    I wish I could get paid to go to film festivals in France and NOT watch the movies. I’d really prefer if you didn’t comment on the quality of a movie you haven’t had any experience of seeing, thanks.

  • Scott Tobias

    Hey, no need to apologize for falling asleep during the Wong Kar-wai film. Really, he’s only one of the best filmmakers in the world and you have the privilege of seeing his new work premiere in the most ideal setting on the planet. Nothing nearly as stirring as promotional footage of Jerry Seinfeld as an animated bee, right?
    Seriously, I know first-hand that falling asleep during movies at film festivals is an occupational hazard and I can even understand a little jet-lag kicking in. But it’s pretty disrespectful to boast about snoozing during a Wong Kar-wai movie in a public forum, not to mention completely useless to readers who might want information about it. How about, as penance, you tell us how awesome that Romanian film is supposed to be?
    Or maybe I’m being too much of a **** about this. I’m jealous of anyone who gets to go to Cannes.

  • Nat X

    I think telling us that the movie made you pass out IS informational. Oh, please, like Wong Kar-wai is incapable of making a boring movie… Keep doing what you’re doing, Fierman.

  • Jen

    I want to know how Death Proof will be received. I couldn’t stand it

  • K

    I’m curious about Death Watch’s reception too–and is QT up to anything interesting at the festival? He’s usually good for something funny/weird.

  • whol

    BRAGGING about falling asleep is the problem…

  • dark_tyler

    God, every time I see a post on this site regarding the Cannes festival it’s more stupid than the last. Seriously, dude, if Wong Kar-Wai bores you, then go watch Super Bowl ads or whatever it was that got you SOOOO excited.
    “Oooh, I was paid to go to the Cannes, and I fell asleep during the first movie!” What was this, supposed to earn you coolness points? Grow up.

  • Victor

    My sentiments exactly, dark_tyler!!

  • Blurb

    I agree – even if a film is boring, as a professional magazine writer/film critic who gets PAID to go to Cannes and watch premieres (a long-time dream of mine as a wannabe film critic) you at least should be able to see a film from beginning to end before commenting on it. Your review was really quite pointless – I didn’t learn anything new about the plot. Sometimes films have a purposefully languid pace (“Gerry”, “Ghost Dog”, “Last Temptation of Christ”, etc) to make a point, and perhaps that was the case with Wong Kar-Wai, but I wouldn’t know, because all you revealed about this film was the fact that Portman has large bazoombas. You got all excited about Bee Movie – a zillionth entry in the digicartoon era.
    Here’s an idea: hire me as your EW Cannes commentator. I have been a film afficiado for 15 years, and majored in film production and criticism. I’m European, so Cannes would be close. I don’t see how I can disappoint you, EW, considering the quality of this little excerpt.

  • Blurb

    I agree – even if a film is boring, as a professional magazine writer/film critic who gets PAID to go to Cannes and watch premieres (a long-time dream of mine as a wannabe film critic) you at least should be able to see a film from beginning to end before commenting on it. Your review was really quite pointless – I didn’t learn anything new about the plot. Sometimes films have a purposefully languid pace (“Gerry”, “Ghost Dog”, “Last Temptation of Christ”, etc) to make a point, and perhaps that was the case with Wong Kar-Wai, but I wouldn’t know, because all you revealed about this film was the fact that Portman has large bazoombas. You got all excited about Bee Movie – a zillionth entry in the digicartoon era.

  • Blurb

    See- even your “post comment” section sucks! :)

  • Matthew Lingo

    Here’s what I want to know about Cannes: why aren’t I there?
    :(

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