I’ve never been a big believer in giving the deceased a free pass when it comes to evaluating work released after that person has died; artistic merit doesn’t gain or decrease with someone’s passing.
Illegal Aliens, the final feature film co-starring Anna Nicole Smith, goes straight to video on May 1st. It’s awful, a sci-fi spoof that’s badly written, made clumsily and on the cheap. Smith plays one of three aliens who can shape-shift and who take human form as sexy babes (the other two are little-known actresses who probably don’t want whatever publicity this stinker will bring them, and one of the villains is played by Joanie Laurer, a.k.a. the former wrestler Chyna).
The three heroines are depicted as a kind of Charlie’s Angels for the Star Trek set, their mission being to protect Earth from evil forces. I don’t think I need to say more about the imagination behind the plot and action of Illegal Aliens than to point out that near the end, Nicole Smith, to help save the day, takes the form of a helicopter (actually just shots of a helicopter with Nicole Smith’s voice talking on the soundtrack).
It’s a tawdry, pathetic production that only makes you feel sorry forNicole Smith. In human form, her character, Lucy, speaks in a squealingbaby-talk voice and says lines that are supposed to be amusinglysuggestive such as, "I wanna enjoy this body as much as possible!"True, she doesn’t look as out-of-it as she did in her E! channelreality show, but in her lifelong pursuit to be a Marilyn Monroe for anew generation, Nicole Smith merely comes across as an easilymanipulated woman trying desperately to be a funny sexpot. Co-star andexecutive producer John James, a semi-familiar face from Dynasty and All My Children, says in an Illegal Alienspress release that "with the passing of it’s [sic] star, you’ll find itreplete with metaphors for her life… This movie may just be the Abbey Road of films for Anne Nicole Smith fans."
Um, no. And if you’ve read this far and are still wondering: no, she doesn’t appear nude.
Rest in the peace that show business apparently never brought you, Anna Nicole Smith.
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I’m sorry you had to endure that. You deserve a raise.
This sounds terrible. I agree, you deserve a raise.
But I have to ask, why do you call her “Nicole Smith” throughout the article? “Nicole” isn’t part of her last name. I think just using “Smith” would suffice.
Great review Mr. Tucker,
The previous “ISISYDHT” profiled “Wild Hogs”, a movie that there’s, at least, a chance I’ll see some day…when it premiers on FX or something.
That being said, there was no way i was EVER going to sit down and watch “Illegan Aliens.” You’re a better man than I.
You’re also apparently a mind-reader, because I was wondering if she appeared nude (sorry) just as you mentioned it near the end of your review.
She was never a good actress anyway. The movie was just another paycheck.
God help me, I’ll probably see this movie. She was such a tragic figure, and I’m oddly drawn to her. Yes, I’ll probabl hate myself (and the movie) once the credits roll, but what the hell
sad.
She turns in to a Chopper? I’m sold. That sounds outstanding.
You do realize that by saying this that you will in fact cause more people to go see this film… is that what you really wanted?
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