Three cheers for Sheryl Crow, who just completed an admirable "Stop Global Warming College Tour," during which she blogged about ways to save the environment. That said, I have no choice but to pooh-pooh some of her more radical eco-conscious suggestions, such as putting a limit on "how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting," which yielded an awesome headline in The Register: "Wipe your arse less, suggests Sheryl Crow."
Seriously, though, Crow’s plan would not only require the formation of a National Toilet Police ("Please don’t come in! I’m in the stall!") but it’s just plain nasty. In protest, I’ve rewritten the lyrics to her 2002 hit, "Soak Up the Sun" as a pro-T.P. anthem. Click here if you need musical accompaniment while you belt it from your cubicle.
My friend, the ecologist
Says toilet paper’s harmin’
This lovely Earth of ours
But I really need my Charmin
I love the polar bears
But I can’t use just one square
Can’t we save the rain forest,
With sparkling derrieres?
I want a super clean bum
I’m gonna tell everyone
To lighten up
I’m gonna tell ‘em that
If there has to be blame
Why combine it with shame?
Are you folks nuts?
I want a super clean bum
I may be bound for hell
‘Cause I bulk-buy Cottonelle
Tend to use it with abandon
Please Sheryl don’t you yell
Every time I’m on the can
Can’t think about a global plan
Read Us and Star, yes it’s a sin
But they end up in recycle bins
And isn’t that a global win?
I want a super clean bum
I’m gonna tell everyone
To lighten up
I’m gonna tell ‘em that
Yes, I’m so down with Al Gore
But deep down in my core
I want a super clean bum
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O dear PTB – I was hysterical reading this. People in the next office had to come in and see what the commotion was about. Slezak, you kill me! Stop (don’t really) writing stuff like this because you’re going to clue in the boss people that I’m reading this site when I’m suppose to be working!
LMAO….”I want a super clean bum”….classic!
Hey Slezak – today was the day you should have watched The View to see Rosie and Babwa discuss Sheyl’s blog.
You think yourself funny yet you don’t recognize a joke.
Funny stuff, Slezak! You forgot to report on Karl Rove’s major diss of Sheryl last weekend!
Slezak, I bow down to your comic genius. Genius! Great spoof song. When I was 5 or 6 years old, my dad actually became the National Toilet Police in our house (1 square for #1, 4 for #2). However, it wasn’t for ecological reasons, it was because my sister and I tended to use half the roll and he “was tired of spending all my hard-earned money on TP.” Or something.
While I’m all for doing my part to save the environment, couldn’t she champion using less TP instead of allocating usage like she’s some TP Big Brother?
She may have been tongue “in cheek” with that comment. Bad pun totally intended.
Seriously though, I heard the average human leaves enough waste in a year for a small lake and island. That means we probably go through a small forest each year with TP, so the argument that a tp change needs to occur has some merit.
Now, this is a pretty old joke. In “Demolition Man”, the people of the future use 3 shells for wiping so as to use less paper. They never DID explain how those three shells work…
does sheryl crow even have relevance anymore? her music has been lacking for years and i personally dont think its any of her business how many squares i use… but if she wants- she can wipe my arse for me everytime.
p.s. ep sato: they wipe with the 3 seashells and wash it off… stallone confirmed it.
OMG Paige, for real? As Phillip J. Frye once said, the future is kind of gross.
I appreciate your comic genius, Slezak, but it’s always amazed me how much TP Americans use. I know I’m going to get major snark back in response, but the real way to a clean bum is to use water to wash yourself, as one does in many parts of the world. I mean, think about it: doesn’t TP just smear it all around? If your dog poo’d on the floor, would you just use a bunch of dry paper towels or would you use water and some paper towels to clean up the mess?
Where would you get the water in a public toilet? (Flushable baby wipes are the best!)I agree we could cut it down, but 1 square. Her butt must be waaaaay smaller than mine.
Did anyone hear Rosie’s take on Sheryl’s TP-phobia on this morning’s “View”? To paraphrase: “One square?! Has she SEEN my ass?!” And I’m no Al Gore, but isn’t TP, like most paper products, biodegradable anyway? Wouldn’t Sheryl be more helpful if she targeted Styrofoam cup usage?
“Can you spare a square?”
Richard, I can definitely spare a square…the ‘roids can’t handle it. enjoy!
Of course, it doesn’t matter how much you use if you remember to recycle.
Hasn’t she heard of the squirt water and blow hot air toilet that doesn’t even require toilet paper? Japan has been using these toilets forever. Sheesh, we think we are so sophisticated but we still use TP.
I guess all I have to say is, if someday I do meet Sheryl Crowe, I’ll not be shaking her hand.
I guess all I have to say is, if someday I do meet Sheryl Crowe, I’ll not be shaking her hand.
Slezak, you are too twisted for Color TV! (I can’t believe I sang that with so much vigor and vim.)
Apparently Sheryl gets enough high colonics that she doesn’t remember what it’s like to go #2. One square????
Yes, I can just see how the water squirting/air drying toilets are going to take the US by storm. Have you ever waited in line in the women’s restroom at a major sporting event or concert? Maybe those kind of commodes could be put into use in people’s homes but not in a commercial venue.
Of course, Crow wasn’t completely serious about this (just like her comment about she and that other gal showering together to conserve water). She was simply making a joke to emphasize the amount of waste we go through. However, I can’t believe she didn’t realize how many jokes would be created in return to such silly comments (even if they were partially in jest).
Well, we all know that Charmin won’t be sponsoring Sheryl’s next tour! What would Mr. Whipple say, rest his soul???????????
Hilarious! I guess it goes without saying why you are paid the “big bucks.” Good laugh for me this morning. Of course she could not have been serious. fridges, microwaves, our cars, etc. are serious offenders.
Best use of that crappy song ever! Very funny!! I have abhored that song since working at Blockbuster the summer it came out and having to hear it every hr. on a tape that looped in the store.
She can dream a 1 or 2 square world, but it just isn’t going to happen. Ever. Just b/c Sheryl Crow apparently thinks she poops sunshine and roses doesn’t mean the rest of us do.
Cheryl Crow is the spokewoman for hair dye — a toxic substance that gets washed down the drain — and drives around the country in a giant bus. Would celebrities please stop telling us how to live?
It’s official – Michael you’re my hero! I can always count on you for at least one chuckle a day!
Wow. You have way too much time on your hands! haha
(To I’ve got my mind set on you)
Let’s wipe and just use one square, let’s wipe and just use one square.
And if that does not work, use “the three sea shells” (Demolition Man)
Funny on all counts BUT if you think about it a bit (more), she got us talking/writing and thinking about an every day necessary event…no spare square perhaps but anyone with children knows they want to use a stack of tissue for both ends (noses). What was a thoughtless action in the past, now has to be considered. And as for the air drying bidet,how much power does it use? I’ll stick with paper.