You may have already heard that the TV Guide Channel booted trashy, unpredictable Joan and Melissa Rivers (pictured) as its red-carpet hosts and replaced them with the fabulously earnest Lisa Rinna. Which is kind of a pity, really. What you may not have heard (since it only happened in a dark, highly caffeinated corner of my brain) is what went down when the elder Rivers and Rinna bumped into each other in a Walgreens parking lot in West Hollywood.
Joan: Well if it isn’t Josie Bissett!
Lisa: For the last time, Joan, I’m Lisa Rinna.
Joan: Does it matter?
Lisa: I guess not, since no legitimate network would put you on live TV again anyway.
Joan: Oh, please! I’ve been a household name since your husband was wearing a loincloth in Conan the Barbarian. You think this little setback with the TV Guide Channel is going to stop me?
Lisa: It was Clash of the Titans, Joan. And you’ve got to admit the time was right for you to hang up your mic. I mean, you don’t even recognize half the celebrities you’re interviewing on the red carpet…
Joan: And who needs to? Whether it’s Gwyneth Paltrow or Julia Roberts, you’re gonna shove a mic under some snooty cow’s nose and ask, "Who are you wearing?"
Lisa: Juicy Couture tracksuit, Jimmy Choo shoes…
Joan: [Howls.] Oh, Christ!
Lisa: Laugh all you want, Joan. Red-carpet coverage is seriousbusiness. Audiences won’t settle for some pterodactyl in a knockoffgown, squawking non sequiturs.
Joan: That’s rich, coming from a woman who fought for the Dancing With the Stars trophy like it was a freakin’ Oscar!
Lisa: There’s no shame in being all you can be.
Joan: But there is shame in finishing fourth behind some wrestling chick and a washed-up member of 98 Degrees!
Lisa: You want to talk shame? How about that made-for-TV biopic where you and your daughter played yourselves?
Joan: I don’t remember that.
Lisa: Tears and Laughter: The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story?
Joan: Nope, not ringing a bell.
Lisa: Are you serious?
Joan: Honey, I’m not that good an actress.
Lisa: You’re telling me!
Joan:But you people are gonna miss me when I’m gone. I single-handedlybrought more fun and spontaneity to the red carpet a whole army ofsmarmy Ryan Goslings.
Lisa: I think you mean Seacrest.
Joan: Does it matter?
Lisa:No, Joan, actually, in this case, it doesn’t. And yeah, don’t tellanyone, but I’ll miss your ridiculous interview style, just a little.
Joan: So you’re saying you might try to keep my irreverent red-carpet spirit alive, after all?
Lisa: Not a chance.
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Lets hope no other channel puts her on tv. They both need to just go away
Good bye Joan dont come Back
Joan is past her prime, out of touch with reality. It’s way past time for her to be let go.
works for me. i don’t have the tv guide channel so i was always going to friends for awards shows to see joan and melissa. now i can stay home.
I happen to LOVE Joan and Melissa…and Lisa Rinna, really? She looks like a leather couch with a bad lip job…Tv Guide channel just made a mistake!
So truly sorry to see them go.
Love Joan…
Can we team Lisa up with Isaac? His cringe worthy red carpet detail a few years back was ironically, one of the most watchable.
Between feeling up the starlets and questions like “So um, what kind of shave you got down there? Mohawk, bikini?”, he easily became my favorite obnoxious person on tv. Please bring back Isaac!
poor Joan and Melissa! They just can’t seem to catch a break! I think they’re hysterical. They should team up with Kathy Griffin and do a Bravo red carpet guide. It’d be perfect!
Now is your chance, E! GET THEM BACK!
Is it just me or does Joan look more like a Jack now. She has so much plastic surgery that she looks masculine.
So…Joan and Melissa are pretty much done, right?
I mean, they got booted from the TV Guide Channel! Can they go possibly go any lower than the channel I switch to find out the title of the ridiculously crap-tastic movie I may checking out on Sci-Fi at the time? (I always JUST miss the channel I’m looking for, and have to wait for the crawl to make its way back again)
The only possible place I can think of is maybe the Versus network. I don’t watch it, don’t know what it is, but rumor has it they’re the ones that picked up NHL…why not take a chance on these two crazy kids?
Ceballos, I love your point. It’s hard to get more “d list” than the Tv Guide Channel.
And the movie was probably Control Factor, starring B movie king and Sci Fi Channel regular Adam Baldwin
Heh. This is great. I only wish it were real.
Good looking out, Ep.
I love Joan. I admire her for saying exactly what’s on her mind and not kissing Hollywood’s ass.
Joanie gives these events all the research and knowledge they deserve. This little pretend chat should get her thinking in new directions. We’ll see her on the next season of Dancing With the Stars. Her credentials are better than Springer’s. I’ll bet she even has a fake leg too!
Joan and Melissa are doing commentary for hockey*? Loves it!
Joan: Hello and welcome to the soccer awards-
Melissa: It’s hockey, mom, and it’s not an awards show.
Joan: Well that explains those outifts. I mean, honestly, shoulder pads? Who do they think they are, Sigourney Weaver circa 1987?
Melissa: I think we’re supposed to be talking about the game now.
Joan: And what’s that thing they’re slapping around? Michael Jackson’s old nose?
Melissa: That’s the puck, ma.
Joan: Yeah? Well what the puck! Ha!
Melissa: I hate my life.
*I know that wasn’t what you said; I just like the idea.
DaisyJ, LOL!
When is Joan Rivers going to stop butchering her face? She is starting to look like she will be in the same club as Michael Jackson.
daisyj, i tip my proverbial hat to you for brilliantly running with something i just threw out there. If the broadcast sounded anything like that, both the Rivers AND the NHL might be huge in this country again.
LOL!!!
i am soooo gonna miss joan. pointless entertainment shows will be even more pointless without her. she really put the “care” in “who cares?”.
We don’t have a Walgreens in West Hollywood, Slezak. Whatever happened to journalistic integrity?
Fake celebrity conversations? Yeah, that was Entertaining
Wow, TV Guide bribes Joan away from E! and then they can her? I mean, I can understand firing Melissa, she’s useless — but Joan is at least interesting, if only for the trainwreck factor. I will never forgive Lisa Rina for ushering in the demise of Melrose Place with her wooden acting (it shouldn’t have been Hunter Tylo in that role – but stupid Spelling was a misogynist), and I don’t look forward to seeing her kiss the asses of people who are way more famous than she will ever be. At least Joan was at onetime a household name. Lisa Rina’s the woman who got canceled by SoapNet. I’ll miss your antics Joan! Melissa, stay away.
joan rivers is a shriveled up old hag and lisa rinna is an awesome woman
she is probably the most beautiful woman there is and thats why tv guide
picked her joan can we talk
saw lisa rinna on ET what is happening with her face. ugggggg
saw lisa rinna on ET what is happening with her face. ugggggg
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