Apr 2 2007 06:42 PM ET

Snap judgment: News songs from Rihanna and Beyoncé

Categories: Beyoncé, Music

Br_l

I would never pit tracks featuring popular divas against each other in an effort to incite a PopWatch comments war. Okay, who am I kidding? I totally would. And I totally am…right this instant! So check out Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s "Welcome to Hollywood" and Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z)’s "Umbrella" (both streaming at AOL Music) and declare a winner. Just don’t let it devolve into a Mariah-vs.-Madonna death-match, the way these things tend to go after comment No. 137. Thank you.

Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z), "Umbrella":
Okay, so I’m digging the wave of sinister synths that percolate just beneath the chorus, and I kinda like Rihanna’s phrasing on the chorus, "You can stand under my um-buh-rella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay." (Click here to hear it.) But the problem — and it’s not a small one — is the Barbadian diva’s voice. It reminds me of a pig-in-a-blanket, if one were to substitute a whine for the hotdog, and a bleat for the dough. (Yes, I need a snack.) In other words, it’s unpleasant. Plus, isn’t it weird that Jay-Z is trying to dub her "Little Miss Sunshine"? As my colleague Dawnie Walton says, "Oh Rihanna. She makes me miss Ashanti!"

Beyoncé, "Welcome to Hollywood": I’m resisting the urge to make this item a rant about the fact that genius tracks from original-flavor B’day like "Suga Mama and "Freakum Dress" haven’t been released as official singles, and listening to "Welcome to Hollywood" with an open mind. (Click here to hear it yourself.) Okay, so seriously? Another cautionary tale about the trappings of fame? "You’re blinded by the lights"? A "Janis Joplin, River Phoenix, Jimi Hendrix" litany? Oh, but the beat is kinda hot. And does anyone twist a phrase quite like Beyoncé? Also, I keep pressing repeat. Beyoncé why do you insist on hypnotizing me? I am trying to get some work done and you’re not having any of it. You just keep howling and making me dance and making me think of Madonna getting prodded with Botox needles. It is useless to resist you.

Your turn, PopWatchers!

Comments (1-30) of 53 Add your comment

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  • Stephanie

    This song is actually from Jay-Z’s album, and I miss him in her version. But I’ll still buy it because I love her so gosh danged much.

  • Ed

    Michael, I can’t listen to the stream at work but ANOTHER Bouncy and Jay-z match? That really doesn’t excite me.
    What would excite me is a Bouncy and Madonna duet. Since Mooriah insisted on dissing Madge awhile ago, I don’t think Moo is even worth the recording tape – take that!

  • Not Again

    They both suck. Who cares?

  • Greg

    I agree with you that the Rihanna song is nice but I hate her voice.
    Beyonce’s version of Hollywood sounds bad without Jay-Z and I’m not even a Jay’Z fan. But what that song lacks she makes up for with Flaws and All.

  • Karla

    Why can I see the xhtml code?
    I would make that . Wah!

  • Phil

    Rihanna is trying to capitalize on having another “hot” summer record with “Umbrella” and dropping yet ANOTHER new cd on June 5th. The first time I heard the “Umbrella” track, I was like okay, the synths are pretty cool (courtesy of Ne-Yo), but her vocals seem to be described as choppy at best. The opening salvo from DefJam President Jay-Z is always welcome, but I have to try & let this one grow on me some…Not quite feeling it yet.
    As far as the Byeonce and all her new tracks from the “BDAY” re-release out tomorrow, “Flaws & All” is a poignant mid-tempo song with a strong message. The opening line, “I’m a train wreck in the morning, a bi%@h in the afternoon…” is pure genius! I realy truly hope this is a single and gets the remixed treatment. “Welcome to Hollywood” sounded fine when it was on Jay-Z’s “KINGDOM COME” last fall. The HOTTEST song & video out there right now is the new Maroon 5 “Makes Me Wonder”!! Michael where was your Snap Judgement!!?? SHAME ON YOU!

  • fredric

    I’d much rather hear some of the other Beyonce B-sides that didn’t make this reissue as singles – Lost Yo Mind is a perfect follow up to her string of sista-done-wrong songs.

  • confidential

    Beyonce is annoying with mediocre songs and videos that get way too much attention. None of the songs on this album are even as good as any of the single from her 1st solo album. And Rihanna just can’t sing. I saw her perform live at a festival in Jamaica last summer and she was AWFUL!! She did the worst version of Bob Marley’s Redemption Song I ever heard. Bob would roll over….

  • Kevin

    i like rihannas

  • Ellipsian

    Oh, Dawnie–please be careful whilst bagging on Rhianna. I mean, bag on her–deservedly–all you want, just please, please don’t inadvertently summon Ashanti during the bagging. It took most of my powers to make her go away the first time and the world cannot handle another wave of horrible. Please.

  • Myma

    I am going to vote “none of the above”.
    What happened to the aerobics video song, I thought that was B’s next single?

  • Jai

    I’m sure you will love this (and have already seen it),Slezak!
    http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1krnm_beyonce-freakum-dress (Freakum Dress video)
    http://4.upload.dailymotion.com/video/x1kupk_suga-mama
    (Suga Mama video)

  • Fatima

    Yeah that Beyonce song isn’t really new and it is definately NOT a new single. Its like the only track on all of B’Day that doesn’t have a video. Now Flaws and All? that song is the stuff.
    But seriously, I mean to dislike Rihanna, but I can’t. SOS was a guilty pleasure and now Umbrella is going to get even bigger. I listened to it non-stop this weekend. But the Jay-Z verse is weak. I’ll take semi-creative Rihanna tracks over tired INC shoutouts from Ashanti anyday. Please.

  • Fatima

    Oh and I really don’t get why so many posters have no respect for R&B. I’m tired of this musical superiority. Beyonce and Rihanna have their places, and believe it or not, they can actually be really creative and excellent. It’s not like this is the only genre I listen to, but when I do, I can at least recognize a quality track. I honestly dare someone to dislike Suga Mama.

  • BrandonP

    The Rihanna track is absolutely spellbinding. It won’t stop twisting and slithering through my mind and it has not stopped all weekend. This should be one of her bigger hits. I’m definitely not mad at B’s track either, but I think she picked the best tracks for “B’Day” which was that rare album with zero filler.

  • johnathan

    Mariah rules!! (slezak, I’m soooo sorry)

  • Annu

    Why compare Beyonce with little Rihanna?? If you think about the singing, Christina Milian OWWNNNS Rihanna!

  • Divine Diva

    Dear Sleaz(ey)ak
    Mariah rules! Go Mimi! Go Grammy payback! Go new album!

  • not a b’ or rihanna fan

    hmmm…undecided. i agree with the other poster on Maroon 5’s hot new track. Come on Sleazak, we need a snap judgement

  • Alexei

    OK, the Rihanna track is pretty hot, though no “SOS.” And her vocals are nowhere near as bad as you proclaim. In fact, that bleeting and whining can be found on Beyonce’s terrible new single that you so strangely love, Slezak. Why you blinded by the booty?

  • ArmandoG

    Michael, you can be my suga dada ANYDAY! i think SUga Mama and Freakum Dress will be released as singles. ive seen a smally clip of both music videos….. HAPPY TUESDAY!!!

  • beb

    Slezak – I’m not feeling the love for the Beyonce track. I do believe my man-booty was bouncing a bit on the train this morning, though, to “Umbrella-ella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay.” Phil, thanks for the tip on Maroon 5 – that song is hot and definitely deserves its own snap judgement!

  • Joe C

    As a Mariah fan, I can be objective here. Both Beyonce and Rhianna were heavily influenced by her. I prefer the Rhianna song. No, she doesn’t have a great voice, but she still makes good music.
    As for the original Miss Jay-Z; sorry, Michael, I’m just not a big fan. Beyonce is okay, but there are better singers(Christina, Alicia, and of course Mariah!) and these lyrics are lame. Boring stuff. Maybe Jay-z IS concentrating more on Rhianna, lol.

  • Ron Mexico

    RE: OK, the Rihanna track is pretty hot, though no “SOS.”
    Okay, so why does anyone think that “SOS” is a good song? Does anyone realize that it is not actually her song? Sure, she came up with new lyrics and sang them over the song, but the song was someone else’s.
    It’s not a cover song. It’s not even like she sampled part of the song, she TOOK THE WHOLE SONG!!!
    Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, Janet Jackson, Beyonce/Destiny’s Child, Rhianna – they have ALL done this. It’s just freaking wrong.
    Why can’t these “artists” come up with their own music? Bigger question, why do all of you give them one dime of your money? God help us.

  • wtfnyc

    I’m with Slezak. I stopped Miss Fivehead’s track after about 30 seconds in order to attend to the sudden profuse bleeding from my ears. Once I recovered, I listened to Deena Jones’ cut all the way through, and while others on the CD are certainly better, I was definitely doing a little chair-boogy.

  • GeeMoney

    Both songs suck. Rihanna and Beyonce should like, do some naked wrestling and the winner gets ugly Jay-Z. Yay!

  • Scott

    Forget this tedious tripe. If you’re looking for a hot song in the vain of SOS, then go to http://www.jamelia.com/ and give a listen to UK artist Jamelia’s “Beware of the Dog” (which samples Personal Jesus). If it weren’t for Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater”, it would have been my favorite song from last year.

  • Joe C

    Ron Mexico, the reason why I have given Mariah a lot more than a dime of my money is because she makes great music(and is the best singer in the world). As for sampling, when she or any other artist does it right, it is very clever. I have been buying records for over 30 years, and a good sampled song is a great thing! C’mon man, it’s a tradition of music. Back in the day, Led Zeppelin sampled/borrowed old blues songs and called them their own. So did the Stones. Borrowing has always been a part of music and always will be.

  • Ron Mexico

    JoeC, “Fantasy” or “Fantasy Baby” or whatever it was called didn’t sample. It took the WHOLE song and simply put new lyrics over it. That’s not clever, and that’s not talent…

  • Fatima

    Ron Mexico needs to get off his high horse.

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