We sure do get a lot of laughable press materials around here, but perhaps none so utterly useless as the new "home confinement survival kit" for the Shia LaBeouf movie Disturbia (pictured). Included: black Easter-basket grass that takes up 90 percent of the box, crappy binoculars that say "Disturbia" on them, reflective armband, Red Bull, Twinkie. Also: "Ten Ways to Survive Home Confinement," some of which are "Check locks throughout the house" and "Make friends with a gnome." A gnome? Well, yes, because No. 7 recommends "marking your boundaries with string and your gnome to avoid another run-in with the cops." Ugh. I am so over gnomes being their own punchlines.
Other suggestions are things I already do every night anyway, such as No. 5: Chill with friends, No. 4: Watch YouTube videos until your eyes bleed, and No. 1: Discover your neighbor’s evil secrets. That’s easy — alcoholism and lots of screaming. I get an A in home confinement!
On second thought, maybe the photo should have been of me eating the Twinkie.
UPDATE: Slezak just took the Twinkie. If you’ll excuse me we must go reenact the Lindsay/Lucille Bluth at Kilmpy’s scene from Arrested Development:
"Oh, Annie. There goes your dessert."
"Why don’t you eat it, Michael? Why don’t you take this Twinkie and shove it up your– Hey! Who called the cops?"
OH MY GOD I should have used string and my gnome.
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Back when Members of Congress could still get gifts, I worked as the mailroom guy for a US Senator. While dealing with the interns stunk, it gave me a chance to snag the best SWAG before it even registered on the radar. Thus, I RIAA hooked me up with the Stevie Wonder 4 disc set, all the Hustler’s Larry Flint sent my boss (he comps all Members of Congress and the Senate a free subscription) and best of all, press kits! The one from Discovery Channel had those SAME EXACT cheapo binoculars, but in yellow. On the real, you can squint and see better than you can with those binocs.
I won’t be seeing the movie, but it does have a cool title.
“I’ll have the Ike and Tina tuna.”
“Plate or platter?”
“I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.”
Annie you are my new favorite. Shhh don’t tell the others!
yeah this post is pretty awesome.
“welcome to klimpy’s, anywhere you like!”
“this does not bode well….”
funny funny stuff…