Okay, here’s what I’m getting from the reviews of 300, director Zach Snyder’s (2004’s Dawn of the Dead) epic battle film: a headache from all the plot summaries. If you want a simple one that still has plenty of color, go with The New York Times‘ A.O. Scott:
"300 is about as violent as Apocalypto and twice as stupid. Adapted from a graphic novel by Frank Miller and Lynn Varley, it offers up a bombastic spectacle of honor and betrayal, rendered in images that might have been airbrushed onto a customized van sometime in the late 1970s…. It’s all about the ancient Battle of Thermopylae, which unfolded at a narrow pass on the coast of Greece…. Devotees of the pectoral, deltoid and other fine muscle groups will find much to savor as King Leonidas (Gerard Butler [pictured]) leads 300 prime Spartan porterhouses into battle against Persian forces commanded by Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro), a decadent self-proclaimed deity who wants, as all good movie villains do, to rule the world. The Persians, pioneers in the art of facial piercing, have vastly greater numbers… but the Spartans clearly have superior health clubs and electrolysis facilities. They also hew to a warrior ethic of valor and freedom that makes them, despite their gleeful appetite for killing, the good guys in this tale."
With that out of the way, let’s focus on what everyone’s talking about. The look of the film? No. The hot men? Yes! Rolling Stone’s Peter Travers says, "Spears, swords and other handy phallic symbols pierce skin with startling regularity, causing great gushes of cartoon blood that make it really sticky for guys to walk in sandals. And what guys! Decked out like gladiators in a gay fashion layout, the soldiers from the Greek city-state of Sparta look gym-ready for battle in crotch-squeezing ensembles that expose as much flesh as an R rating will allow." The Chicago Tribune’s Michael Phillips puts it simply: "The movie should’ve been called Ode to a Grecian Ab."
Meanwhile, Newsday’sGene Seymour takes some time to explain why the fim’s (questionable)fashion sense should render any debates about whether the film is acomment on George W. Bush and Iraq moot: "If 300 carried anyintellectual heft (if, in other words, it was scrupulous with historicdetails), one could see the point of thrashing these provocativenotions to their metaphoric nubs. But this movie in no way pretends tobe a replication of historical events. It is, instead, a willedhallucination of ancient history goosed with mutant warriors, rhinosoutfitted like Sherman tanks and a King Xerxes who’s dolled up withenough glittering threads and glossy makeup to make every David Bowiewanna-be from the mid-1970s chew his knuckles in fuming envy."
EW’sown Lisa Schwarzbaum muses eloquently about costar Dominic West’s "leathergirdle," but she also makes the point that many critics do: "Look, butdon’t be touched: There is much to see but little to remember in thistelling of a battle we are meant never to forget." One person who won’tbe forgetting this film anytime soon appears to be Arizona Star’s Phil Villarreal, who offers this analysis, unironically: "The movie 300 is rated R for "RAAAAAR!" and is about as inspirational as Field of Dreams multiplied by Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,plus infinity. High school football coaches who show this to theirplayers before games are guaranteed to win 55-0. Should opposingcoaches show the DVD to each of their teams before the matchup, arupture in the space-time continuum will occur and the game will bedeclared a tie."
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Michael Phillips is just showing off with that Keats reference.
Since when did every movie have to be Citizen Kane. I have seen plenty of positive reviews on this website for crap written by crappy writers and directed by crappy directors. God forbid a movie be great in the visuals. I am sure this plot is no thinner than same of the crap give A+’s by the so called ‘experts’ working for EW.
A.O. Scott should relax, seriously. I love Phil Villareal’s review. I’m an action-packed film fan female who is looking forward to seeing this movie. RAAAAR!
Though I would very much like to see this film, I’m not going to give my money to such a blatantly inaccurate depiction of the Battle of Thermopylae. Everyone knows that it was the Spartans’ trained tyrannosaurs that enabled them to defeat the Persians. I’m holding out for a film about Thermopylae that includes man-eating dinosaurs and/or Racquel Welch in a fur bikini.
I want to confront every critic who gave “300″ a bad review and slash their satchels with a dagger. My guess is that in every instance, telltale Persian gold coins would spill out. They’ll use the traitorous payoff funds to dine at a “300″-hating banquet in hell (TGI Fridays).
I’m glad this movie is finally out, now I don’t have to see the damn trailer anymore. I’m curious though, is EVERY single line in this movie gonna be as overdramatic as the previews suggest? If they go into a McDonalds do they say “TONIGHT, I’LL HAVE A McCHICKEN SANDWICH!!!!
Yes, but that’s just the way people talked back then.
Oh, my mistake.
Phil, are all your reviews that funny? If so, from now on, I will read you, despite not living in Arizona, or having ever known that there was a newwspaper called the Arizona Star.
Houstonian Jen, we must be sistahs! I, too, am an action-loving female looking forward to the beauty of Gerard Butler in next to nothing, and lots and lots of blood and gore. Also, Phil Villarreal, will you marry me??? Your review ROCKS!! I am so in line for this movie NOW!
Kati, I’m disappointed that you found something funny in my review – you obviously do not live in my homeland Arizona, realm of wise, grim 85-year-olds who chastise those who dare to give a higher rating to “300″ than “The Lives of Others.” Please don’t read my stuff or tell others to do the same, otherwise I won’t be taken seriously.
Trust me, Blossom Girl. You don’t want to marry me and have to deal with the jealous threats of Scarlett Johansson and Zooey Deschanel. Better to hook up with someone less awesome and at least be able to continue living a simple, peaceful life.
I can’t wait to see this movie, it looks awesome. But I do have to say, I doubt dental care was as advanced in the Spartan’s time as this picture would suggest.
Chris,
Lisa Schwarzbaum not an expert?? Come on. Doesn’t a Degree in Music (Flute) from Sarah Lawrence make you an expert on reveiwing movies?
Oh, Phil.
“The film has a stylized look that matches what would happen if “The Matrix” had hot, dirty sex with “Clash of the Titans.”
Now, I have to bookmark your paper for future reviews. Like I don’t waste enough time on the internet???
Just another example of why critics and their opinions shouldn’t shape your own.
i saw an early screening of this a few days ago and LOVED it. the reviewers who trash it are being movie snobs. it is a fantastic movie experience. if you don’t think you’d like it from the previews, then you won’t. if the previews grabbed you then you will not be disappointed. i can’t wait to see it again. and again. and again!
Phil,
Your review was amusing and funny, but the film is nothing like a Matrix – clash of the Titans Hybrid.
First of all, the film moves far faster than either of those plodding movies. It has little to do with Self discovery or ham handed biblical references, and has no real gods involved in it at all ( so Clash of he Titans is clearly thrown out at this point).
Visually, It’s far more like a cross between band of brothers and Sin City, with its sytlized desaturation and glowing, green screened backgrounds. It has none of the greenwashed, special effects laden look of the Matrix. None whatsoever. It has basically 2 effects and thats it (the blood and the background).
So while I appreciate your levity, this comparison was just you reaching a little to far for humor and crashing hard.
Pete, your statement would be correct had I said the two films engaged in “clean, clinical sex.” The actual term I used, however, was “hot, dirty sex,” which includes a number of variables you failed to consider. We’re talking “Sin City” hot oils, “Fight Club” marriage enhancers, “The Wizard of Oz” handcuffs and all sorts of other kinky things you don’t even want to know about. And if you think I crashed hard, you really should have seen the look on “Clash of the Titans’ ” face when “The Matrix” pulled out a little trick it learned from “Deep Throat.” Nasty.
As action-film loving female who just skipped work to see it, the movie does NOT disappoint. When has Gerard Butler died so well after looking so dang good. Hail to the King, baby!
To all those that are questioning 300’s historical value, I say this:
ITS BASED ON A DAMN COMIC BOOK. There was not supposed to be any historical value.
My god, can’t a move be fun anymore?
Why does everything have to be historically acurate, contain racial commentary, bemoan the “evils” of President Bush or try to adavnce gay rights?
ENJOY THE DAMN MOVIE FOR WHAT IT IS:
A testosterone enriched gore-fest that leaves you feeling good.
Oh and by the way, X-Men three was completely inaccurate because there is no way evolution would advance to the point where one can control weather or shoot beams out of ones eyes.
GET A GRIP.
It’s an hour and change of bad ass-ness. Enjoy it for what it is.
I just saw it today and afterwards my friends just kept yelling “Spartaaaaaa!” every so often.
Wow Chris. That’s a bit harsh towards EW, don’t you think? I actually agree with Lisa S. for once. The visuals and battles are cool, but the story – the way 300 presents it anyway – isn’t too memorable. It’s a fun film to watch and I have nothing against that, but in terms of story and characters, Sin City easily wins on that category.
And to ceej, of course critics shouldn’t shape how you view movies. That’s just stupid. Their views is their opinion and whether you agree with them or not is up to you. Don’t ostracize them because you never side with them. Sheesh…
Although I will say anyone dissing this film on historical inaccuracies is nitpicking too hard.
And I just checked out rottentomatoes.com. Good lord, I’ve never heard so much whining…from the readers of course. They can’t take any opposing views from critics without crying up a storm. I can understand the historical inaccuracies complaints, but man, they’re so anal against critics toward the movies they love.
I loved it. It was perfectly violent, beautifully stylized and featured some of the hottest guys I’ve ever seen. (Seriously. Gerard Butler? His naked butt? In the moonlight?!)
I left the theater wanting a cigarette and I don’t even smoke.
when a moive in these times can keep a whole group ass chined to there seats for almost two hours then it did its job,this was and should remain one of the best action movies
sry that would be (ass-chained)