So Gwyneth Paltrow’s revelation in Spanish Vogue that her son and daughter, Moses and Apple, have regular playdates with the children of Stella McCartney and Madonna got us thinking: What would the conversation at one of these get-togethers sound like? Since we have yet to receive a proper invite, we decided to do the next best thing and make something up:
Madonna: Here, Apple, would you like a digestive biscuit?
Gwyneth: Wait, are they macrobiotic?
Madonna: Of course.
Stella: And vegetarian?
Madonna: They’re even kosher. Pareve. Dairy free.
Gwyneth: I know what "Pareve" means. I’m Jewish.
Madonna: Well, your dad was Jewish but not your mum, so technically, you’re not Jewish.
Gwyneth: For your information, my mother was in Brighton Beach Memoirs.
Stella: Hard to say, Gwynnie, but wait a minute, Madge, weren’t you born Catholic?
Madonna: Yes, but now Guy and I and the kids are Kabbalists. We…
Gwyneth: Apple! Don’t touch the Fabergé egg! How many times does Mommy have to tell you?
Madonna: [Raises eyebrow.] Ahem.
Gwyneth: What? It’s not a toy. It’s expensive.
Madonna: It’s not that.
Stella: You said, "Mommy."
Gwyneth: I did? Are you most certain?
Stella: Gwyneth, you silly slag, for the second time today, it’s "Mummy!"
Madonna: Do we have to drag you into the loo and wash out your mouth with the new soap I just bought at Marks & Spencer? I stood in the queue forever to pay for it, then I had to bring it to the car and put it in the boot.
Stella: [Rolls eyes.] Madge, don’t push it.
Gwyneth: I, I, I…
Stella: And last week, when you sent that evite to Moses’ birthday party, you spelled colour without the "u."
Madonna: [Gasps.] God save the Queen!
Gwyneth: Oh, Madge, come off it! You’re just envious because Ican rock a flawless British accent, while your speaking voice stillreeks of the Detroit suburbs!
Madonna: Oh please, you think I’m jealous of Sliding Doors? That was rubbish!
Gwyneth: I have an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love!
Madonna: I have a Golden Globe for Evita, you dirty old scrubber!
Stella: Okay, I’m not doing this anymore. I’m out of here.
Madonna: Wait, Stella, hang on! Kettle! Knickers! Mind the gap!
Gwyneth: Sir An-toe-nee Hopkins! Stella, how was that?
Stella: [Grabs her kids by the arms. Heads for door.] Kids, we’re leaving!
Madonna: Wait, you forgot Miller’s sweater, I mean, his jumper!
[Door slams shut. A few seconds of awkward silence.]
Gwyneth: I guess it’s just us, then?
Madonna: You have any scones? Or crumpets?
Gwyneth: Is SuperNanny British?
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Thank you for this! So funny….I needed a good laugh.
lol you’re out of control slezak
Ha! You said “An-toe-nee”! Nice.
I love that I could read half of this blog, chuckle, shake my head in amusement and murmur, “Slezak…” without having to look at the name of the author. Love ya, Michael!
Loved it…those faux British accents really get on my nerves!
I was also amused by the “An-toe-nee” reference. Nice.
It makes me wonder why anyone would name their child Apple. It is so stupid!
That was hilarious because I can imagine this conversation actually happening
When Apple becomes old enough, she can spend a few hundred dollars to change that idiotic name her mama gave her.
Slezak, you’re so funny.
Funny. I would love to go to one of these get togethers! I live near them(and their gym!) in London, so it wouldn’t be too random, would it! But I would never repeat what goes on there, of course.
Funny stuff. EW is my new go to place for a morning laugh. thanks.
you’re the best, slezak. you’re the only reason i read this blog.
You should submit this to Saturday Night Live…..it would make a great skit.
I love imaginary conversations…This is one of the best.
I would like to know what goes on in this guys head. No, wait, we already do. It rocks.
slezak, i can’t decide who i love more; you or wolk.
i think you just made my day. thanks!
Yet another notch in the Slezak for President campaign. A mind like that should never be wasted. Needless to say, this was HILARIOUS!
This was priceless
It is true Slezak, I am from the Detroit suburbs and whenever Madonna gets slightly frustrated the Pontiac, MI rises again. She probably watches cricket and polo now while eating crisps, but in my heart she will always be from Hockeytown drinking a Labatt Blue.
Ha ha! Nice. “Sliding Doors” was good, though…Madonna IS just jealous!
I love you, Slezak.
If only I had playdates to worry about…….What would I do???
Does she give out T shirts after the playdates? She could have some made up that say:”I spent an afternoon at Mediocre’s.”
The coolest playdate EVER!
What? No cream cheese for my bagel? I wont be coming back to fraud’s house. Oh well, at least she gave me a T shirt.
Awesome. By far the best laugh I’ve had all day. Thanks, Slezak!
Looking forward to what really goes on in the house when the tell-all book is published. The real reason is going to come out as to why Madonkey really adopted David. And we already know her children are rotten little brats.
How dare you say all of us know Madonna’s children are little brats? You are a sick person! Obviously you hate Madonna and yet you are excited to read about the tell-all from that nanny. Get a life!
Idioteque:
Well, said, i couldnt have put it better myself.
I wouldn`t get too upset though.. i think it`s funny that these people hate Madge, yet lap up every piece of scandal & even willing to go spend their cash on trash.. just to get a kick with their little buddies on this site. It`s a kinda private club which makes me laugh & glad i aint a member of.. seems to me a qualification in rudeness is an essential requirement.
Newsflash: There is no book.. legally it would never happen. Madonna is too smart & covers her arse b4 hiring anyone, espesh a staff member in her own household & whose baby-sitting her kids!
Juju:
i hope you dont have kids & inflict your sick wit on them… but if you DO have kids, then i hope they all look like retarded monkey`s!!!
Idiot and Ali: Go suck eggs! Ali your mother is calling you. You must look like Godzilla, and yes her little monsters are brats so there!!