There are some trailers that look so soul-crushingly awful, I instinctively start making fun of the movie without even seeing it. But is that really fair? I mean, maybe The Lake House had the potential to make me weep like Brokeback Mountain. Maybe Eddie Murphy’s performance in Norbit was as award-worthy as his turn in Dreamgirls. And maybe I was just too wrapped up in my feelings of superiority to go see ‘em. Well, no más, PopWatchers. I’ve decided that from now on, I’m going to tackle one movie every month whose trailer makes recoil in disgust — to find out if it’s as bad as advertised, or perhaps unexpectedly good. We begin the journey with the Tim Allen-John Travolta road-trip vehicle Wild Hogs, which got a C- in EW, and which your unfortunate correspondent (pictured, at the theater) found as uninspired and flavorless as the chocolate-peanut butter cupcake I snuck into the auditorium to accompany a small concession-stand Diet Coke that, much to my chagrin, cost me $4.01. (Don’t answer this, but what does it say about me that it was the one cent, and not the whopping four bucks, that really got under my skin?) Anyhow, here’s my by-the-numbers assessment:
- Total running time: 99 minutes
- Number of times I laughed during the film: 4*
- Number of laughs per minute: 0.04
- Most humiliating moment for each of the film’s stars: Tim Allen chugs gravy, eats stick of butter; John Travolta’s penis compared to crawfish; Martin Lawrence maniacally sprays rivals with ketchup and mustard; William H. Macy’s character repeatedly presented as butt of joke for eco-friendly decision to carry excrement in a plastic bag.
- Number of scenes featuring icky "We’re not gay! Really, we’re not!" jokes/scenarios: 9
- Number of times I suppressed a groan of pity for Oscar winner Marisa Tomei: 3
- Number of times Travolta, Allen, Lawrence, and Macy shown lined up from behind while urinating: 2**
* Actually, five, but I didn’t count one guffaw caused by Ray Liotta’s off-the-charts overacting as a violent, angry biker dude.
** Once with visible streams of urine!
Anyhow, that’s my take. If you joined me in contributing to Wild Hogs‘ $38 million opening weekend, then by all means, share your thoughts in the comments section below.
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Thanks for taking hte bullet for me on this one. I will now mercilessly make fun of this movie, without the usual guilt I feel for not having seen the movie.
Good work, might I suggest either “Are We Done Yet?” or “Perfect Stranger” for next month?
That three times as many people saw this than Zodiac is a national embarassment.
I think this feature is a great idea, and you’re a braver man than I for seeing these craptastic movies. I also wonder whether movies like this are as bad as they look, but I’m too poor to go and find out for myself.
Also, that one cent would’ve totally made me flip out too! What IS that?!
is there an actor (or actress) with a filmography worse than John Travolta in the last ten years? his last good film was Get Shorty, which i believe was 1995. embarassing…
Totally great idea.
i dont like this experiment at all! youre just contributing to the paychecks of everyone involved. this a movie you illegally download. now since, this piece of crap made money- expect a sequel… and im sure you’ll be contributing to that also.
Next time, talk to the other movie goers and ask if the bad reviews and unfunny trailer mattered to them at all.
Wild Hogs made 38 million. WHY?
Man, Slezack! You’re even sexier than I imagined! Whoa! Forget the movie, next time just put up another picture of yourself. It’ll save you some $.
BTW, I’m planning to go see this movie next weekend with a bunch of friends. I’m sure it will be just as stupid as I thought. It should make my hubby laugh though. He’s the only reason I’m going. We went and saw Ghost Rider this weekend b/c I wanted to, next weekend it’s his pick. Ugh. Be thinking about me!
Slezak, nothing that you’ve done, including the fact that you wish to come between me and Katherine Heigl, has indicated that you deserved to sit through this waste of celluloid. I couldn’t imagine which bills it was William H. Macy’s turn to pay in his and Felicity’s household that he needed the paycheck from this (I’m also bemoaning John C. McGinley’s appearance in this). And no, I didn’t contribute to the $38 million; the trailer kept me away.
Hey Michael,
Your idea for a review was good; so good in fact that a friend and I started such a site 2 YEARS AGO.
At http://www.blownpotential.com, we strived to take the Hollywood studios entire marketing concept into consideration and base our reviews as to if the movie met our expectations or not.
Sadly, blownpotential.com is currently inactive (we could not get press cred. to see previews and advertising revenue was not covering all costs). But, I’m happy to see EW is off and running with our concept.
Two of my co-workers just spent the last 15 minutes talking about how funny this movie was. I think I’m going to resign this afternoon.
I suspect it’s getting big numbers because middle aged men feel this is something they can really relate to. And men make fun of us for “chick flicks” !!!
P.S. Since this is your job, Michael, I don’t think you should have to pay for your soda – can you put it on an expense report?
My brother and his group of middleaged Parrotheads saw it this weekend and said it was the best movie they’ve seen in a long time. They thought it was hilarious. Armed with that info and now this review, I will wait for HBO to see it. Could John Travolta be more full of himself?
I saw it. But to balance the furies, I went and saw “Zodiac” as well. Obviously the latter was far superior, but WH was good for what it was: a one-time frivolously comical film that I will never watch again because the comic value expires after the first viewing.
Jamie, I am with you…more pics of Slezak! Michael, there should be a pic of you in every Pop Watch and TV Watch that you do.
Michael: your bravery is to be commended. The idea of paying $11.00 to see this film actually makes me feel queasy. I saw “Starter for Ten” this weekend and was rewarded with almost two hours of James McAvoy — now thats worth $11.00!
My dear Slezak, thank you for that report, even tho i pretty much knew that Wild Hogs was going to be the waste of time and space i figured it would be..
and yeah, i agree with Jamie.. Mor pics of you in the future!!!! xo
Jaimie…wow, you and your hubby really enjoy quality entertainment.
I’m so happy you found each other – sounds like a match made in b-movie hell.
maybe it’s me, but now i seriously have to question oprah’s taste and genuine opinion towards films, because she had an ENTIRE episode about this film and it’s cast. come to think of it, she also gushed about ‘dreamgirls’ and its cast and i found that film to be mediocre at best. hmmm…
I caught this over the weekend and I disagree with most of the reviews I’ve seen. Personally I enjoyed the slapstick and toilet humor albeit a pretty forumlaic flick. I don’t think it was quite or par with boring pieces of excrement in a bag like Babel or The Queen, but it’s a mildly entertaining 90 minutes with several laughs. I need more culture perhaps. Nah, screw it. *begins searching for Big Mama’s House DVD*
Michael, any preview that has the Valerie Cherish factor in it definitly will not be on my list of must sees. Some of these previews make me feel so embarrest that I actually get up and act like I’m going to the bathroom. I wouldn’t go see this movie only because the comedy hits too close to reality; a bunch of middle aged midlife crisis men buying motorcycles. Isn’t that why The Comeback got the boot?
The whole movie reminds me of that scene where Valerie brings in that poster of her with her jeans unbuttoned. She does this in order to compete with Juna. That feeling of embarresment for her when she unravals it in front of Paulie G – YIKES! Val is the only person I would experience that feeling for, not John Travolta and his ever changing hair pieces.
I like the feature, which could also be called “I’ll help you decide if this is worth watching on HBO or not”, because my impression is that most of us didn’t plan to see this in theaters…
Though the $38 mil. opening leads me to suggest some of us went to see it anyway.
Hilarious. And I love that we got a glimpse of The Slezak. Hot stuff.
Sounds like a good idea for a monthly feature. I didn’t see the Lake House at the movies because people said it was too confusing, but I watched it on movies on demand and it was really sweet and touching. I enjoyed it and I didn’t have any problem understanding it. Can’t wait to read your “maybe it’s not as bad as it looks” entry.
Also, Michael, you are much more handsome than any of the guys on the poster. WOW!
I knew this movie was going to suck when I stayed home sick from work on Fri and Oprah had the whole cast on. They spent possibly ten minutes of the whole show talking about the movie and the rest of the time discussing Travolta’s plane and Martin’s coma experience. Even The Oprah could not b.s. through this giant pile of excrement and that is her speciality. Thank you for torturing yourself for our benefit Slezak!!!
Slezak, your lips are as sweet as candy.
Yeah, yeah.
http://moviemartin.blogspot.com
I saw the movie and thought it was pretty funny. If you went to see a serious “Biker” movie, no doubt you were disappointed. If you ride, you can relate to the riding scene with the bugs in your face. Overall, I liked it. It won’t win one award, but it was entertaining.
This review, as well as the NYTimes review, confirms what I suspected about this movie: half (or to hear A.O. Scott tell it, much more than half) of its humor derives from tired old gay panic shtick. I’m so over this as a source of humor. C’mon, people, being gay is not the end of the world. Why is there so much humor based on straight guys jumping through hoops to defend their heterosexuality? Gays are the mammies of modern film. In 20 years–I hope earlier–we’ll be wincing at the treatment of gays and gay themes by Hollywood. I judge anyone who saw this movie in the theaters. Except Slezak, who had journalistic intentions.
I rented the Lake House and it was surprisingly very good despite Keanue Reeves being in it. I am not a big fan of his but I do love Sandra Bullock
Moira, if you’re going to insult someone, at the very least act like an intelligent human being and spell the person you’re insulting’s name correctly. Glad to know I made someone’s day with my choice of movies. Hehehe…(Rolls eyes) I also enjoy Harry Potter, Con-Air and Coyote Ugly. Any other comments?