Things That Make Me Die Inside (Vol. 14)

Idolcamp_lThere’s this thing called Idol Camp, and everything about it screams "Cult!" I seriously thought this was a spoof, you know, on someone’s snarky pop culture blog, before I saw the Fox logo at the very bottom. I love how they promise "performing artists*" and the * says "Confirmation to participate pending." Tuition is $2900. That’s disgusting. $2900 for 10 days and the assurance that "Attending Idol Camp will not result in placement on American Idol, nor will it provide any advantage in the American Idol audition process." Sigh. I wish this was a joke. But no, they advertise "ten magic-filled days." Huh? I wonder what a typical day is like…

8-9 Breakfast — Coca-Cola
9-10 Swimming — Bikini/cutoffs required. Learn Randy’s special stroke: dawg-paddling
10-11 Melisma
11-noon Lanyard-making — Simon offers withering critiques via "satellite video," but it’s actually just a loop of the same seven putdowns
Noon-1 Lunch — Paula’s Magic Juice. Getcha goin’!
1-3 Seminar — Determining that you’re not actually a good singer: The time is now!
3-5 Sing, if you have to
5-6 Dinner — Coca-Cola
7-10 Seminar — Becoming a mass-market commodity: You as you are = boring; You as a character = opportunity!
8:30 Snack — Coca-Cola
10 Lights out — there are only 12 bunks, but 14 of you campers. Who wants it more? Go!

Comments (11 total) Add your comment
  • Jen

    Hahaha. This will be the new up and coming documentary. Instead of parents who want their daughters/sons to win pageants, it will be overbearing parents who have dreams and aspirations of their children making to the “dawg” pound.

  • Caitlin

    this makes me sad.
    and why would they let that kid wear that hat? i mean, you would think they would tell him that is was ugly- it being AI camp and all. I’m sure Simon would be all over that.

  • Brian J. Bouton

    Wouldn’t all the counselors be contestants from the the show that didn’t make it over the past 5 years or so? How awesome would it be to have Kelly Pickler as your vocal coach!

  • Jason in MI

    Does anyone REALLY want to send their kids to a place where they might theoretically learn Randy’s “special stroke?”
    I think not.
    but, uh, sign me up for a Coca-Cola breakfast. Will I get to sleep in a Ford?

  • Tiki

    I went to prep school there!

  • tia

    You forgot the driving lessons that Simon gives, yelling in your ear to get “Ford Tough!”

  • t3hdow

    The whole concept behind it is really cheesy and surprisingly expensive, but that ‘dawg-peddling’ line made me laugh.

  • Anonymous

    Is that the real advertisement for the camp? It looks like the poster from the movie “Jesus Camp.” Shudder.

  • Dara

    You get that Ellen was kidding right? Sarcasm? Anyone?

  • Christopher

    “Paula’s Magic Juice”?
    Why has it not occured to most of the population that Paula Abdul is likely on presecribed anti-depressants, or some kind of hormone therapy? Because that’s not as funny as her being an alcoholic– that’s why.
    Whatever’s effecting her, she’s not driving a bus full of children anywhere– she’s judging a talent show. Why is she constantly the butt of everyone’s substance abuse joke?
    Can we stop taking cheap shots at her while speculating her problems are drinking?

  • Marsha Sumal

    I’ve always loved the show, but too many untalented folks (sory) have been included int the first picks, which is doenright painful to see & hear. Paula, as beaufiful as she is, seems to lack the ability to contribute any unique & personal observations of her own, as contestants and their peformanaces are unique, and it’s downright tiresome to hear her be a puppet to Randy or Simon.Please repleace her with someone more expressive & communicative, and I do NOT mean Courtney Love.Maybe, every week, rotate in a different successful talent, from different types of music. And Simon, it’s ok to not like country, but Bluegrass has a place you know, just like Il Divos contemporary sound.Saw them at Radio City & it was a most memorable event, despite rude idiots with cellphones/cameras!

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