Anyone who routinely watches CBS’ Two and a Half Men should know by now that creator Chuck Lorre (pictured) likes to vent via his production company’s title card that appears right after the show’s end credits. The text-heavy cards, which have taken angry potshots at critics, American Idol, the FCC –- heck, even CBS –- are often just as funny (and crude) as the sitcom itself. It’s almost impossible to read them in real time –- they go by in a flash -– but that doesn’t mean CBS gives Lorre carte blanche to write whatever he wants. In fact, Lorre wanted to run a vanity card after tonight’s episode (Feb. 5) that makes a point about critics who regularly watch his show just to make note of its vulgarity –- but, Lorre claims, CBS wouldn’t let him. Instead, he says, you’ll just see the word CENSORED in the vanity card. (CBS declined to comment.)
EW obtained the final draft exclusively for you, dear readers, so you can judge the joke for yourselves. What do you think? Was CBS right to tell Lorre no? Are you amazed at the words –- and behavior -– that pop up in Two and a Half Men and some of your favorite shows in general? Or do you wish the FCC would freakin’ take a chill pill, man, and let the networks air the F-word, already?
Follow the jump to read the vanity card Lorre says he wanted to run…
”Two and a Half Men is aware that our humor has offended some viewers with, shall we say, more delicate sensibilities. We have read your blogs, articles and postings which detail your outrage. If you are one of these viewers, and you have just watched and been appalled by tonight’s episode, I’d like to tell you the old joke about the hunter who goes into the woods to hunt for a bear.
”A hunter goes into the woods hunting for a bear. When he is deep in the woods he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see an enormous grizzly towering above him. Before he can fire, the beast rips the rifle out of his hands and proceeds to sodomize him. Mortified, the hunter retreats to his cabin, arms himself with a double-barreled shotgun, and races back into the woods to find and kill his furry assailant. But once again, the bear sneaks up behind the hunter, pulls the weapon from his hands and has his lusty way with him. Undeterred, the hunter equips himself with a machine gun and treks back into the woods where he is again ambushed, disarmed and defiled by the bear. Now, apoplectic with moral outrage, the hunter flies to a third world country where he buys a heat-seeking, shoulder-launched, nuclear-tipped rocket from an international arms dealer. Convinced he finally has the upper hand, he returns to the woods, tracks the bear to his lair and patiently waits to vaporize him. And yes, again, the bear surprises, disarms and sexually assaults him. But this time, before the hunter can run off to acquire more lethal armaments, the bear enfolds him in his massive arms and says, ‘You don’t really come out here to hunt, do ya?”’
Well, that’s the joke. Take from it what you will, with one caveat: The moral is not beware of gay bears.
Comments (1-30) of 41 Add your comment
That was so offensive, I re-read it five times, forwarded to all my friends, started a blog to decry it, and printed it on a t-shirt that I will never remove. Snooze. I’m offended by how many people regularly watch Two and a Half Men.
that’s actually my fav dirty joke of all time, since i first heard it sophomore year of high school. i’m surprised they censored it since only die-hard chuck lorre fans tend to freeze-frame or read the cards on his website anyway.
Wait, lemme see if I can figure this out – is Lorre the bear, and are the critics the hunter, and is he trying to say that no matter what, if they come near him and his show, they’ll get savaged? But it’s their fault because they like being hurt?
Forget his crapfest of a show and the braindead nation that puts up with it. The real money is in guessing when this guy is going to go off on someone. Guys in prison will simply love his bear story.
What’s a CBS?
Wow, I’ve only ever seen one half of one episode of Two and a Half Men (so what is that — One and a Quarter Men?), but I have a newfound respect for Chuck Lorre, calling out all the viewers who continue to watch the show but do nothing but complain about it because it’s just so uncool to watch it. But Lorre’s right, they keep returning to it for another reason–they either really like it or they just get an odd high out of feeling morally/artisitcally superior to something. Either way, he’s right to use the bear analogy.
Too bad that lame (unfunny) sitcom can’t be as witty as the vanity card. However, Lorre is right, why bother watching if it offends you? I’ve seen it once, wan’t offended, just bored
I have watched Two and Half Men about one time, but my question is how is the show vulgar and crude?
Maybe it’s a taste thing, but the vanity card isn’t funny. Shrugsville.
Here’s how I critiqued Mr. Lorre: I watched his dumb show once, and never watched it again. Does that make me the bear, the hunter or the gun?
I used to watch this show back in the day…not religiously, but if Monday Night Football was boring. I don’t know, but it’s pretty funny. It’s good for a few laughs. It doesn’t pretend to reinvent the wheel, and I don’t see why people have such venom for it. I mean, I might even watch it if it weren’t on at the same time as “24″ and “Heroes”…people need to stop guzzling down the haterade.
hmm… if only it was relevant or funny. Here’s a tip, rape (whether it’s so conveniently disguised in bestiality) is of course not something that should be made fun of, and while I hate the FCC, I think here CBS was smart enough to see the ripple effects of a disgusting joke. My opinion, it’s a PR STUNT. Lorre had to know CBS wouln’t sign off on that, and sending it around to the critics was merely a way of him making YOU his lepers. Congrats, on being duped by a sick man.
Maybe I’m more offended that the critics CHOSE to make this a top story. Maybe even MORE offended that Two and a Half Men is a top rated program. Maybe even MORE offended by the amount of money they give Charlie Sheen to “act”.
Chuck Lorre is an incredibly big baby who thinks that people who don’t watch his unfunny show are just jealous of its success. I watched the show once, didn’t laugh, and have never laughed at any one of the myriad previews shown whenever I watch CBS (which is actually pretty rarely, thanksfully). It’s a show appealing to the lowest common denominator. The script is written in an effort to put in as many “jokes” as possible, which means that characters are often saying things that are unnatural and make no sense, just so another character can respond with something “funny”. Stop watching this show, America. It’s ridiculously bad. In fact, they might not have invented the word that truly describes the horror that is “Two and a Half Men”. Oh, and Chuck Lorre? Shut up.
*edited to correct a typo*
Chuck Lorre is an incredibly big baby who thinks that people who don’t watch his unfunny show are just jealous of its success. I watched the show once, didn’t laugh, and have never laughed at any one of the myriad previews shown whenever I watch CBS (which is actually pretty rarely, thankfully). It’s a show appealing to the lowest common denominator. The script is written in an effort to put in as many “jokes” as possible, which means that characters are often saying things that are unnatural and make no sense, just so another character can respond with something “funny”. Stop watching this show, America. It’s ridiculously bad. In fact, they might not have invented the word that truly describes the horror that is “Two and a Half Men”. Oh, and Chuck Lorre? Shut up.
I, too, have only watched the show one time. Also bored. But these comments and that joke made laugh more than I’m sure that show ever could.
That joke is a running joke on Homicide: Life on the Streets. Better show and they make the punchline better too: “This isn’t about hunting anymore is it.”
I think the funniest/saddest thing is that he spend so much time grousing, crying, moaning, whining, kvetching, and kvelling about – whoa – having a show on TV, being paid a great deal, being put up with by assorted minions, but not having critics like his work.
Boo hoo, mthafker. Boo f’in hoo.
… and that is supposed to be funny? Cuz if it has some sort of moral or point to it, then it’s not worth it.
ROTFLMAO, he he he
I don’t know anything about Chuck Lorre or Two and a Half Man (I’ve never heard of either), but one thing I do know is UGLY BETTY RULES!!
Chuck, get over yourself and know that your show doesn’t even COMPARE to The Office or even Ugly Betty.
I don’t understand why people don’t like Two and a Half Men. I think the show is very clever, and very funny. Offended by the vulgarity of the show? Please…take a Sunday night and watch Desperate Housewives and then complain about vulgarity.
I absolutely love Two and a half men! Great show. It is refereshing from the fall over slapstick that some comedies have. The one liners crack me up. I do however get sick of all the sexual inneundo on the show. It does get old, but nevertheless I love the show. Did you ever see the epi that the brothers were going to Vegas and Allen was anal in the way he was packing…I have seen it twice and was ROFLMAO both times.
Wow, so what you’re saying is that the only part of Two and a Half Men worth watching is the title cards at the end.
I never knew who the writer of the the show was until today. Kudos on the analogy Chuck Lorre.
I’ve got nothing against Two and a Half Men. I don’t watch it because I don’t find it worth watching for the most part, but its an Ok show. The only thing that bugs me is that there are about 6 or 7 other comedies that should be higher rated than this one. I can see watching this in addition to the other shows, but it bothers me that people would watch this and not The Office, Earl, Scrubs, 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, Everybody Hates Chris and Ugly Betty. I just don’t get how this gets higher ratings.
I don’t care how vulgar “Two and a Half men is”. In fact I think it’s pretty tame.
But the few episodes I’ve seen were not innovative or particularly funny…
Two and a Half Men is the funniest sitcom on television. I laugh more before the first commercial than I do during the entirety of other half-hour sitcoms I watch. The actors comedic timing is unbelievable (particulartly the kid, Angus, and the great Conchatta Farrell). The writing is scintillatingly funny. There is a reason this show out-rates Heroes as well as my personal favorite show of all-time, 24. It is no accident that this is the #1 comedy on television.
Two and a Half Men is the funniest sitcom on television. I laugh more before the first commercial than I do during the entirety of other half-hour sitcoms I watch. The actors comedic timing is unbelievable (particulartly the kid, Angus, and the great Conchatta Farrell). The writing is scintillatingly funny. There is a reason this show out-rates Heroes as well as my personal favorite show of all-time, 24. It is no accident that this is the #1 comedy on television.
I watch every episode and rerun of “Two and a Half Men” for one reason. It makes me giggle.