Britney Spears has posted a letter to fans on her official website, but we couldn’t make much sense of the vague platitudes spouting forth from her keyboard. To help y’all truly understand what’s going on in the life and mind of America’s fastest-plummeting star, we put each sentence through the PopTarts-to-English translator, and here’s what came out.
Dear Fans,
Dear bored office workers,
It has been a while since I’ve addressed you personally here on my official website.
I was in the middle of gettin’ ready for an awesome night out at the clubs, but my mom said I had to stay home and write this.
The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being.
The last couple of years, all I’ve wanted to say is, "Leave me alone — I’m country, y’all!"
Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction.
I heart ponies!
I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don’t pay much attention to it.
OMG, y’all, writing letters is so boring!
The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and nowthat I’ve had the time to be "me," I’ve been able to sit down and thinkabout where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutelyno strings attached.
Anyway, have you guys caught the Dr. Keith Ablow show? Seriously, i watch it every day.
I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free."
Guess what? I’m not wearing panties.
I’ve been working so hard on this new album and I can’t wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again!
There’s some really deep s*** in my diary; I can’t wait for Pharrell to put it over some hot beatz.
I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard torelease the new album sometime later this year, but the date is ofcourse not certain yet.
Exclusively, there’s no way my lawyer is letting Jive drop me from their roster.
I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever,and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level.
You’ve seen my hoo-hoo, what’ve I got left to hide, right?
I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting downsoon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasonsthat went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing.
Sean Preston, give the extension cord back to Little BooBoo!!!
If I were you I’d be unhappy too if I had to read what I’ve been reading every day.
Honestly? I haven’t read in over four years.
But trust me, I get it.
Mom? Can I be excused from the table?
I know I’ve been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of funexaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love myfans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, soThank you, Thank you, Thank you!
I did not write that last sentence, it was totally my manager.
Love,
Britney
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Slezak, too funny!
I’m off to enjoy some Mojitos, have a good weekend!
Hey POP Watch im so glad you guys are posting this on the site. Its good to see you guys stepping up to the plate and yanking the gossip crown away from wack folks like PEREZHILTON and doing it in a funny yet tasteful way haha. Poor Britney, I always say never count out a loser. But maybe.. Its way over for her lol.
Spacy as it is, it’s nice Britney’s decided to focus on the music instead of on hanging out with Paris Hilton. BTW, I got to see that “nana” photo the other day and am now wondering why everyone was hatin’. After two kids, her nether regions look much better than Lindsay’s (out the car with no undies) or Paris’s (the now infamous “toe” photo).
She left herself some Fedex so it’s time for old girl to come back!
MAN!!! Dissorama!!! does that make me a bad person if I laugh at this?
So I’ve gotta be honest, this post really pissed me off Slezak. Don’t get me wrong, you’re one of my favorite EW writers and your popwatch blogs are usually one of the best reasons to visit the site daily, but I ‘m finding a hard time at seeing the point in this. Britney Spears has made mistakes – plenty of them – but how can someone try to straighten themselves out when everything they say gets dissected? And the fact of the matter is that the papparazi doesn’t let up on the poor girl, and everything she does that is magnified tenfold. I’m sure if any of us were followed by a camera 24-7, there would be things we’d be ashamed of.
Britney was and still is a young woman that is a great entertainer, and in response to her letter I say good for you for trying to get back on track, and I look forward to your next album! Try giving her a chance Michael.
People stop making excuses for this wack whore. All she ever did was dance good to choreography. And had a good amount of stage presense. And reasonably good looks. Wait does that make her a good dancer? And nothing more. Haha lame vocals over a hot beat during the early 00’s when pop was on the rise again. Got her and america way to confused. And now that they know why she sucks they nor she can understand why she isnt succeeding. Go back to Louisiana!!!!!
You KILL me! LOL, literally LOL! Happy Friday!
You say she hasn’t read in four years …
… what could she possibly have been reading back in 2003?
Dear Michael the poster – I just have to say I disagree (which btw is so not me, I never spend my time arguing w people on boards, BUT see above “dear bored office worker,”), it was all done in fun and plus, there are plenty of other mega pop stars out there who aren’t always in the paparazzi because they don’t give the tabs stuff to report. When is the last time you saw Kelly Clarkson out in the clubs flashing things she shouldn’t be flashin! Or even X-tina for that matter really, she even keeps it pretty classy. If they were acting like Brit I’m sure they’d be in the tabs! Oh and Brit, in the words of SNL Weekend Update’s Amy “oh and also, you have a 1 month old baby at home.”
LOL!
Michael, you made my weekend! I had such a rough time at work this week what with coming back from holiday and all and this was the best way to end it.
Dudes taking this snark seriously… Seriously, don’t you see the humor behind it? She didn’t write that letter, that was her manager doing some serious damage control, I gotta give it to him.. he’s a master at PR.
Anyhow, have a great weekend… y’all!
I totally agree Kris! You can be a celebrity and not live your private life in the spotlight. Maybe, I dunno, move away from L.A. and invest in some Hanes? It’s her own fault for living her life the way she has been. When is the last time you saw a headline that said ‘Naomi Watts has meltdown in a library!’?
First off…LOL @ “I heart ponies!”…I almost choked on my salad, reading that.
Seconde: “The media exaggerating my every move…” mmmmmmkay. What exaggeration was there with a clear photograph that was in no way manipulated showing her nono-special place? The irony lies in the fact that with Brit, no exaggeration is necessary. She’s country, y’all! Enough said.
Where does she want ‘go’ as an entertainer with ‘no strings attached’? Since when are 2 little kids considered not considered ’strings’. Brit, you’re not a little girl any more, sorry.
Justin Timberlake: “Life?” Me: “Wow, this movie looks like crap.”
I love you, Slezak! XD
Slezak, I’m totally hearing Amy Poehler read all the “Britney” lines! LOL
Seventeen comments- are we all bored with Britney’s ongoing drama already? Get to work Brit. We are losing interest in you…quickly!
I want to find additional info about BS.
Because I colect all about she.
Did you see this info about Britney? What is your opinion?
britney spears flash
Whats with all the degrading comments? Britney has had a lot of success-more power to her! I missed the memo that gives us all liscense to forget that we aren’t any different than britney, except that we are dirt poor compared to her? Give it up, its pathetic to take someone’s words and life and twist it up until it is nothing but junk. Most people rip famous ones apart, and for what?? Celebrities are just like you, (well,they have talent). We’d be better off spending our time worrying about whats wrong with ourselves.
Take note to the fact that what I just said will piss a lot of people off, because I said something slightly rude-you will be tempted to fire back witty comments that you hope will make me regret what I wrote. Keep in mind that my comments resulted from you doing the same thing to Britney, but I guess that ok because she’s a celebrity?? Wonder how pretty it would be if the tabloids were interested enough to analyze our lives and the things we’ve said/done? THINK.
Also wanted to say to those who think Britney shouldn’t be giving things for the media to write about – I bet we all (including myself) have plenty that the media could just kill us with, but we get away with it because the tabloids don’t give a crap about us, we just aren’t interesting. So because a celebrity has talent they have to watch their every move because we like to blow it all out of proportion? I would hate that…having to be so careful about things EvErY DaY! It would get old fast and eventually I would just do what I felt like doing, which is what Britney does. Let her live for a day or two without bringing down the hammer on her! I’ve seen worse parenting and day to day character in my neighbors!! She is just fine, let her deal with her own stuff and we will deal with ours! How did we get so presumptious? I hope everyone making nasty comments is NOTHING less than a perfect parent and person!
Just can’t get it all in I guess! I was just thinking that I don’t hear anything bad about the stars who see their kids an average of 1-2 times per week? Just because they aren’t in the clubs drinking they are good parents? I admire that Britney is with her kids most of the time and doesn’t rely on nannies so she can be gone 24/7. All parents take nights off to get away, Britney gets away to the club, thats Britney’s business. Does anyone have anything to say about the stars that have no idea when their kids birthday is because they don’t ever come home?
Brittney if you ever come across this through the millions of postings that you receive I want you to remember just how fortunate you and your party friends really are. It’s not really about exploiting you, or harsh criticism, it’s just that outside of your celebrity bubble millions of people fall victim to the same lifestyle that you, Paris and Lindsay live.Doctors lose everything due to their crack addictions,strippers turn prostitutes,and coke is the same as crack.Don’t believe me take a trip to Miami,Fl. not at a resort but Biscayne Blvd, 79 st.And you’ll see. It’s not fun or cute,a mother of two ridin’ around with no panies,so caught up in weed smoke that you can’t even deliver good entertainment to your fans. You may have it all now but if you don’t check yourself you can wreck yourself people don’t have to buy you’re music,and in the next ten years you can end up just like the rest of the has beens.You really need a reality check.
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I just wanted to let you know that I beleive you are a good person everybody goes through hard times in some part of thier life don’t let paparatzii bring you down they just like posting what they think is the bad brittany. Right now I think you need to be there for you kids more then anything you need to worry about yourself and your kids not what anyone thinks of you. I have always been your fan and still will I hope everything works out for you
I just wanted to let you know that I beleive you are a good person everybody goes through hard times in some part of thier life don’t let paparatzii bring you down they just like posting what they think is the bad brittany. Right now I think you need to be there for you kids more then anything you need to worry about yourself and your kids not what anyone thinks of you. I have always been your fan and still will I hope everything works out for you
You have came too far to let the media mess you up. I have to be honost I have never been a big fan, but I do know what its like to be a mom. I think the media sucks for doing what they have done to you. Any one in your situation would go nuts. You haven’t had a chance to recover from having two children. You probably had post-partrum depression. If you weren’t the incrediable person you are no one would give a rats butt. Stay strong, you should really consider contacting your double and having her stay in L.A. and you should sneak away and take a long break from everything. Good Luck to you. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed after having two kids. I don’t know how you have managed to deal with all of the crazyness.
Take a break you need it.
Britney I don’t know if u will ever read these comments that people write to u which is too bad most of these comments are worth reading. I’m also a mother of two and my kids mean more than anything to me, their my world I can’t be one day with out them nevermind going out partyin with my friends. When u have kids u’r life ends and theirs begin its supposed to be a new life with those kids, u still have time to save that if u trully want to, forget all about the media, what they say or do doesn’t count all they want is money they don’t care about u or u’r family, but they do care about trashin u’r image and so on. I don’t understand u’r a personjust like me, money isn’t everything it doesn’t last foreva but the love of u’r kids do if it’s attention u’r lookin for then u’r lookin for it in all the wrong places instead of the right ones. Well I wish u all the luck I trully feel sorry for u cuz I’m not rich with money or famous but I am with love and that I would change for anything in the world. See one day money will run out and u’r fame will stop, but I will always be rich and famous with my kids love. Good luck!!!!!