Britney Spears has posted a letter to fans on her official website, but we couldn’t make much sense of the vague platitudes spouting forth from her keyboard. To help y’all truly understand what’s going on in the life and mind of America’s fastest-plummeting star, we put each sentence through the PopTarts-to-English translator, and here’s what came out.
Dear Fans,
Dear bored office workers,
It has been a while since I’ve addressed you personally here on my official website.
I was in the middle of gettin’ ready for an awesome night out at the clubs, but my mom said I had to stay home and write this.
The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being.
The last couple of years, all I’ve wanted to say is, "Leave me alone — I’m country, y’all!"
Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction.
I heart ponies!
I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don’t pay much attention to it.
OMG, y’all, writing letters is so boring!
The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and nowthat I’ve had the time to be "me," I’ve been able to sit down and thinkabout where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutelyno strings attached.
Anyway, have you guys caught the Dr. Keith Ablow show? Seriously, i watch it every day.
I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free."
Guess what? I’m not wearing panties.
I’ve been working so hard on this new album and I can’t wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again!
There’s some really deep s*** in my diary; I can’t wait for Pharrell to put it over some hot beatz.
I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard torelease the new album sometime later this year, but the date is ofcourse not certain yet.
Exclusively, there’s no way my lawyer is letting Jive drop me from their roster.
I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever,and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level.
You’ve seen my hoo-hoo, what’ve I got left to hide, right?
I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting downsoon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasonsthat went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing.
Sean Preston, give the extension cord back to Little BooBoo!!!
If I were you I’d be unhappy too if I had to read what I’ve been reading every day.
Honestly? I haven’t read in over four years.
But trust me, I get it.
Mom? Can I be excused from the table?
I know I’ve been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of funexaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love myfans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, soThank you, Thank you, Thank you!
I did not write that last sentence, it was totally my manager.
Love,
Britney
Slezak, too funny!
I’m off to enjoy some Mojitos, have a good weekend!
Hey POP Watch im so glad you guys are posting this on the site. Its good to see you guys stepping up to the plate and yanking the gossip crown away from wack folks like PEREZHILTON and doing it in a funny yet tasteful way haha. Poor Britney, I always say never count out a loser. But maybe.. Its way over for her lol.
Spacy as it is, it’s nice Britney’s decided to focus on the music instead of on hanging out with Paris Hilton. BTW, I got to see that “nana” photo the other day and am now wondering why everyone was hatin’. After two kids, her nether regions look much better than Lindsay’s (out the car with no undies) or Paris’s (the now infamous “toe” photo).
She left herself some Fedex so it’s time for old girl to come back!
MAN!!! Dissorama!!! does that make me a bad person if I laugh at this?
So I’ve gotta be honest, this post really pissed me off Slezak. Don’t get me wrong, you’re one of my favorite EW writers and your popwatch blogs are usually one of the best reasons to visit the site daily, but I ‘m finding a hard time at seeing the point in this. Britney Spears has made mistakes – plenty of them – but how can someone try to straighten themselves out when everything they say gets dissected? And the fact of the matter is that the papparazi doesn’t let up on the poor girl, and everything she does that is magnified tenfold. I’m sure if any of us were followed by a camera 24-7, there would be things we’d be ashamed of.
Britney was and still is a young woman that is a great entertainer, and in response to her letter I say good for you for trying to get back on track, and I look forward to your next album! Try giving her a chance Michael.
People stop making excuses for this wack whore. All she ever did was dance good to choreography. And had a good amount of stage presense. And reasonably good looks. Wait does that make her a good dancer? And nothing more. Haha lame vocals over a hot beat during the early 00′s when pop was on the rise again. Got her and america way to confused. And now that they know why she sucks they nor she can understand why she isnt succeeding. Go back to Louisiana!!!!!
You KILL me! LOL, literally LOL! Happy Friday!
You say she hasn’t read in four years …
… what could she possibly have been reading back in 2003?
Dear Michael the poster – I just have to say I disagree (which btw is so not me, I never spend my time arguing w people on boards, BUT see above “dear bored office worker,”), it was all done in fun and plus, there are plenty of other mega pop stars out there who aren’t always in the paparazzi because they don’t give the tabs stuff to report. When is the last time you saw Kelly Clarkson out in the clubs flashing things she shouldn’t be flashin! Or even X-tina for that matter really, she even keeps it pretty classy. If they were acting like Brit I’m sure they’d be in the tabs! Oh and Brit, in the words of SNL Weekend Update’s Amy “oh and also, you have a 1 month old baby at home.”
LOL!
Michael, you made my weekend! I had such a rough time at work this week what with coming back from holiday and all and this was the best way to end it.
Dudes taking this snark seriously… Seriously, don’t you see the humor behind it? She didn’t write that letter, that was her manager doing some serious damage control, I gotta give it to him.. he’s a master at PR.
Anyhow, have a great weekend… y’all!
I totally agree Kris! You can be a celebrity and not live your private life in the spotlight. Maybe, I dunno, move away from L.A. and invest in some Hanes? It’s her own fault for living her life the way she has been. When is the last time you saw a headline that said ‘Naomi Watts has meltdown in a library!’?
First off…LOL @ “I heart ponies!”…I almost choked on my salad, reading that.
Seconde: “The media exaggerating my every move…” mmmmmmkay. What exaggeration was there with a clear photograph that was in no way manipulated showing her nono-special place? The irony lies in the fact that with Brit, no exaggeration is necessary. She’s country, y’all! Enough said.
Where does she want ‘go’ as an entertainer with ‘no strings attached’? Since when are 2 little kids considered not considered ‘strings’. Brit, you’re not a little girl any more, sorry.
Justin Timberlake: “Life?” Me: “Wow, this movie looks like crap.”
I love you, Slezak! XD